8.30pm
R has encouraged me to blog again. I think there are a number of reasons why I've been avoiding it...
1) It makes it hit home how badly I'm coping.
2) I've had 3 jobs and working 6-7 days a week (60-70 hrs a week) to run away from my mental health but ruined my physical health in the process so dropped one of my jobs which was 15-20 hrs a week.
3) It makes me think about the issues I'm trying to run away from or bottle up.
I'm currently going through a group DBT therapy which lasts 14 weeks and is 2 hours per week. It is helping a little but there are certain aspects which I feel that I'm able to deal well with already such as interpersonal skills. That part of therapy is more geared at the angry and aggressive and I'm not like that at all. And I feel as though I already have a good way of communicating with people if I'm not happy with something. I'm just not good at communicating what I emotionally need unless it's my fiance. And on the whole, he's great but sometimes he feels unable to help me and pushes me aside. Completely understandable so DBT therapy need to understand that people can't be there for you 24/7. My other friends have their own issues or are very busy and I don't want to be burdening them. They encourage you to call the CRISIS team or the Samaritans but who wants to bare their soul and deepest darkest feelings with a stranger???
9.20pm
This will have to be continued another time. R is drunk and entering a deep conversation so will be off for now.
Saturday, 20 May 2017
Sunday, 5 March 2017
9 months in the future
So it's been 9 months since I last posted. I've had a lot going on in that time. I had surgery for my endometriosis scheduled in mid-July but it was cancelled due to my Gynae surgeon being off sick. It was rescheduled for mid-October but that was cancelled due to my colorectal surgeon being off sick. By this point I had hit a low point and so had B. He went on a weeks bender as he wasn't able to cope with it. We've had some very rocky times and I think a lot of it has stemmed from my surgeries being cancelled. He thought after my surgery, everything would be fine and we could start leading a normal life. I, however, was not getting my hopes up as knowing my luck, the surgery wouldn't do anything.
Surgery got rescheduled after I wrote an official letter of complaint to the hospital Chief Executive for 25th January. It went without a hitch, they removed 3cm of endometriosis from both of my uterosacral ligaments. I was up and about nearly as normal the day after, I was just tired for a couple of weeks after and had to nap every day. Mum was supportive and wanted to be there so she was there on the day of my surgery along with B. I spent one night in hospital then was sent home with a little Oramorph. Recovery has been plain sailing apart from occasional acute endo pain.
The endo hasn't gone away completely but it is better than it was. But that may be due to me resting a lot. I have taken nearly 6 weeks off work and I feel well rested. I have one more week before I go back to my main job on a phased return and my 2 other part time jobs as normal.
I started working for Lidl on 8th November so I can pay for Skye to have walks while mum's at work. It comes to between £112 - £163 per month and I had vet bills of £90 for her too so the extra income is much needed. I work 60-70hrs a week over 6-7 days which is tough but it keeps my mind active and stops the negative thoughts coming in. It's also good to be out socialising rather than being a hermit in the flat because of the anxiety which stops me from doing so much in life.
On a positive note, I have booked a holiday to Prague with R, A and B in July. I'm also going to the Isle of Mull in Scotland in August. I really want to travel while I have the chance and I think it is well deserved with all the hours I work.
With my medications, a lot has changed. The Pregabalin has made me put on so much weight, I now weigh 134lbs! I gave it up a couple weeks ago but it's made me ill. Definitely never going on it again. A week ago, I came down on my Sertraline from 200mg to 150mg and I'm feeling less zombie like now, I think it's having a positive impact. I'm also down to only 90mg a day of Codeine now but the doctor has added a low dose of slow release Tramadol to help with the pain. I can't take NSAIDS because of the Pregabalin withdrawal making my stomach poorly. May have to give a stool sample and blood test. Off to the doctors tomorrow so will find out more then. Been having a lot of nausea where I was living off mashed potato for a week too so the doctor has given me Cyclizine. I'm trying out new herbal supplements like Evening Primrose Oil, Cramp Bark, Spirulina Chlorophyll and Magnesium Citrate. Not sure if they're helping but I doubt it'll do much harm to keep trying them.
After being celibate for over a year, B and I decided that we would try intimacy to see if I would get pain. So far I am in pain but not as bad as I would have been pre-surgery. This is good news. I had the Mirena coil replaced during surgery to stop my periods. The surgeon said that when I have the coil removed, I'll be fertile again within a month if I wanted to try for children.
I need to try and start blogging again as I'm starting to feel a bit mentally bogged down with things all building up inside my head.
Surgery got rescheduled after I wrote an official letter of complaint to the hospital Chief Executive for 25th January. It went without a hitch, they removed 3cm of endometriosis from both of my uterosacral ligaments. I was up and about nearly as normal the day after, I was just tired for a couple of weeks after and had to nap every day. Mum was supportive and wanted to be there so she was there on the day of my surgery along with B. I spent one night in hospital then was sent home with a little Oramorph. Recovery has been plain sailing apart from occasional acute endo pain.
The endo hasn't gone away completely but it is better than it was. But that may be due to me resting a lot. I have taken nearly 6 weeks off work and I feel well rested. I have one more week before I go back to my main job on a phased return and my 2 other part time jobs as normal.
I started working for Lidl on 8th November so I can pay for Skye to have walks while mum's at work. It comes to between £112 - £163 per month and I had vet bills of £90 for her too so the extra income is much needed. I work 60-70hrs a week over 6-7 days which is tough but it keeps my mind active and stops the negative thoughts coming in. It's also good to be out socialising rather than being a hermit in the flat because of the anxiety which stops me from doing so much in life.
On a positive note, I have booked a holiday to Prague with R, A and B in July. I'm also going to the Isle of Mull in Scotland in August. I really want to travel while I have the chance and I think it is well deserved with all the hours I work.
With my medications, a lot has changed. The Pregabalin has made me put on so much weight, I now weigh 134lbs! I gave it up a couple weeks ago but it's made me ill. Definitely never going on it again. A week ago, I came down on my Sertraline from 200mg to 150mg and I'm feeling less zombie like now, I think it's having a positive impact. I'm also down to only 90mg a day of Codeine now but the doctor has added a low dose of slow release Tramadol to help with the pain. I can't take NSAIDS because of the Pregabalin withdrawal making my stomach poorly. May have to give a stool sample and blood test. Off to the doctors tomorrow so will find out more then. Been having a lot of nausea where I was living off mashed potato for a week too so the doctor has given me Cyclizine. I'm trying out new herbal supplements like Evening Primrose Oil, Cramp Bark, Spirulina Chlorophyll and Magnesium Citrate. Not sure if they're helping but I doubt it'll do much harm to keep trying them.
After being celibate for over a year, B and I decided that we would try intimacy to see if I would get pain. So far I am in pain but not as bad as I would have been pre-surgery. This is good news. I had the Mirena coil replaced during surgery to stop my periods. The surgeon said that when I have the coil removed, I'll be fertile again within a month if I wanted to try for children.
I need to try and start blogging again as I'm starting to feel a bit mentally bogged down with things all building up inside my head.
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Wish you were here Dad
9.50am
I keep thinking of writing 'Happy Birthday Dad' but it doesn't sound right. It's not a 'happy' birthday or even a birthday really as he won't turn a year older, just dead longer. I spent the morning crying and wishing so badly that I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday since he would have been on his way home from work. We would likely have had a BBQ this evening to make the most of the nice weather and I would have got him another year subscription to his favourite magazine. I always made the effort to make him a nice cake, something he's never reallt had in his life and I liked to make him feel special.
I've told people on my team at work that I would be finding today difficult via an email:
Their replies were:
'No problem, I quite understand about your dad... I've been there so know how you feel!'
'You spelt kick wrong - it should be HUG!'
'I can't believe that its been a year! I am planning to work from home today so will send you positive vibes from here. Lots of love coming your way.'
I don't know what I've done for my colleagues to be so nice and supportive after I screwed them over by having 3 months off work for depression and not working to the best of my ability like I used to. I don't feel like I deserve it. And B has been supportive being there for me when I need hugs and telling me he loves me. On the down side, he's agreed to play cricket tonight so I won't see him all day - half a day alone with my thoughts, not good. I also have CBT which always screws with my head. Spent hours crying yesterday, cried this morning so I expect I'll be crying all evening today too. The only thing getting me through is codeine and I'm massively overdosing on it. The pharmacy screwed up my order. Instead of giving me 100 of the 8mg tablets, they gave me 100 of the 30mg tablets. I'm not going to go back and correct them.
I'm not sleeping very well and I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to be in bed.
I keep thinking of writing 'Happy Birthday Dad' but it doesn't sound right. It's not a 'happy' birthday or even a birthday really as he won't turn a year older, just dead longer. I spent the morning crying and wishing so badly that I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday since he would have been on his way home from work. We would likely have had a BBQ this evening to make the most of the nice weather and I would have got him another year subscription to his favourite magazine. I always made the effort to make him a nice cake, something he's never reallt had in his life and I liked to make him feel special.
I've told people on my team at work that I would be finding today difficult via an email:
'It would have been
Dad’s 66th birthday tomorrow so if I look blotchy faced and teary eyed, just
ignore it. It’s just a difficult month to get through with his birthday,
father’s day and anniversary.
Give me a kick if I’m away with the fairies.'
Their replies were:
'No problem, I quite understand about your dad... I've been there so know how you feel!'
'You spelt kick wrong - it should be HUG!'
'I can't believe that its been a year! I am planning to work from home today so will send you positive vibes from here. Lots of love coming your way.'
I don't know what I've done for my colleagues to be so nice and supportive after I screwed them over by having 3 months off work for depression and not working to the best of my ability like I used to. I don't feel like I deserve it. And B has been supportive being there for me when I need hugs and telling me he loves me. On the down side, he's agreed to play cricket tonight so I won't see him all day - half a day alone with my thoughts, not good. I also have CBT which always screws with my head. Spent hours crying yesterday, cried this morning so I expect I'll be crying all evening today too. The only thing getting me through is codeine and I'm massively overdosing on it. The pharmacy screwed up my order. Instead of giving me 100 of the 8mg tablets, they gave me 100 of the 30mg tablets. I'm not going to go back and correct them.
I'm not sleeping very well and I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to be in bed.
Tuesday, 7 June 2016
Dad's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary
6.15pm
I'd appreciate if anyone reading this can comment below, even if it's just your initials. I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading my blog. Thanks.
I need to get this out in the open before I explode (or implode and internalise it all in my case).
I saw my consultant yesterday for my pre-op assessment before my surgery in July. It was a lot to take in but not stuff I didn't already know. Just having a professional say it to you turns it into reality and now I'm scared. The surgery is looming closer and I keep asking myself - what am I scared of? I think about it and I'm not scared of dying or having particular complications such as infection. What I'm scared of is the pain I will be in and not being given enough pain relief which happened last time. I'm scared that because I'm not as mobile or as healthy, I will slip into deep depression. I don't want to be in physical pain AND mental pain. And you may think 'Well you deal with endometriosis pain all the time'. Surgery pain is a completely different type of pain that I'm not used to and the consultant said this will exaggerate the pain, making it feel more painful. There's a slight chance I could end up with a stoma which is a concern in itself. And if endometriosis is affecting my lower bowel, this leads to huge complications and possible permament and irreversible damage to my digestive system. I hate that I can't move after the surgery without being in monumentous pain, and the lethargy and helplessness you feel from every movement feeling like a painful marathon. And I HAVE to keep moving about in order to recover faster. You don't move when you feel ready to, they force you to move about. I was crying and in agony last time and they were forcing me to walk around the ward. I will be in hospital for atleast one night for this procedure. I have spent a night in hospital before when I was 12 and it was the loneliest night of my entire life. I was in soooo much pain and the nurses refused to give me pain relief and then ignored me for the rest of the night, so I spent the night silently crying until morning. I'll never forget how I felt and I'm worried I'm going to feel like that again.
I'm at work doing overtime today to try and take my mind off things. Yesterday, on top of the information overload from nurses and consultants, I decided to visit A who is staying in the same hospital for her eating disorder. I went there at 12.30pm and was told it was lunchtime there and to come back at 1.45pm. So I went home and then went back to the hospital for a nurse to tell me that A doesn't want to see me and hasn't given a reason. Although I'm very proud of A for doing what's best for herself in order to get better, it still really stung and I left crying. I don't know if she's done it for her recovery or if I've done something wrong or if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. It was a huge feeling of rejection after all the help I've offered her. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied for 3 weeks now and I miss her so much and I miss the support we gave each other. But to reiterate, I don't blame her at all, she needs to do what she thinks is right to get better. I really want her better, she doesn't deserve this awful disease.
Moving on, tomorrow would have been dad's birthday. Then 11 days later is Father's Day and then 12 days after that is the first anniversary of his death and B's birthday. Within this will also be my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday. So all these days within 1 month is a lot to handle. I've been crying for the past hour because it's all too over-whelming. I was messaging B and M about stuff, to which they were replying but then when I send a message about how I'm feeling with all these things coming up, they don't reply. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't sure what to say. Although M is most likely driving at the moment.
There have been some positives though....
I spent 2 days and 2 nights with my lovely nephew and dog. He came to stay and he loves it. He really picked me up out of the depression but since he went home, I've been divebombing back down to the dark pits. The other positive is that I spoke to my consultant about the Decapetyl injections making me really depressed again and he agreed that I can skip the last injection.
I'd appreciate if anyone reading this can comment below, even if it's just your initials. I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading my blog. Thanks.
I need to get this out in the open before I explode (or implode and internalise it all in my case).
I saw my consultant yesterday for my pre-op assessment before my surgery in July. It was a lot to take in but not stuff I didn't already know. Just having a professional say it to you turns it into reality and now I'm scared. The surgery is looming closer and I keep asking myself - what am I scared of? I think about it and I'm not scared of dying or having particular complications such as infection. What I'm scared of is the pain I will be in and not being given enough pain relief which happened last time. I'm scared that because I'm not as mobile or as healthy, I will slip into deep depression. I don't want to be in physical pain AND mental pain. And you may think 'Well you deal with endometriosis pain all the time'. Surgery pain is a completely different type of pain that I'm not used to and the consultant said this will exaggerate the pain, making it feel more painful. There's a slight chance I could end up with a stoma which is a concern in itself. And if endometriosis is affecting my lower bowel, this leads to huge complications and possible permament and irreversible damage to my digestive system. I hate that I can't move after the surgery without being in monumentous pain, and the lethargy and helplessness you feel from every movement feeling like a painful marathon. And I HAVE to keep moving about in order to recover faster. You don't move when you feel ready to, they force you to move about. I was crying and in agony last time and they were forcing me to walk around the ward. I will be in hospital for atleast one night for this procedure. I have spent a night in hospital before when I was 12 and it was the loneliest night of my entire life. I was in soooo much pain and the nurses refused to give me pain relief and then ignored me for the rest of the night, so I spent the night silently crying until morning. I'll never forget how I felt and I'm worried I'm going to feel like that again.
I'm at work doing overtime today to try and take my mind off things. Yesterday, on top of the information overload from nurses and consultants, I decided to visit A who is staying in the same hospital for her eating disorder. I went there at 12.30pm and was told it was lunchtime there and to come back at 1.45pm. So I went home and then went back to the hospital for a nurse to tell me that A doesn't want to see me and hasn't given a reason. Although I'm very proud of A for doing what's best for herself in order to get better, it still really stung and I left crying. I don't know if she's done it for her recovery or if I've done something wrong or if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. It was a huge feeling of rejection after all the help I've offered her. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied for 3 weeks now and I miss her so much and I miss the support we gave each other. But to reiterate, I don't blame her at all, she needs to do what she thinks is right to get better. I really want her better, she doesn't deserve this awful disease.
Moving on, tomorrow would have been dad's birthday. Then 11 days later is Father's Day and then 12 days after that is the first anniversary of his death and B's birthday. Within this will also be my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday. So all these days within 1 month is a lot to handle. I've been crying for the past hour because it's all too over-whelming. I was messaging B and M about stuff, to which they were replying but then when I send a message about how I'm feeling with all these things coming up, they don't reply. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't sure what to say. Although M is most likely driving at the moment.
There have been some positives though....
I spent 2 days and 2 nights with my lovely nephew and dog. He came to stay and he loves it. He really picked me up out of the depression but since he went home, I've been divebombing back down to the dark pits. The other positive is that I spoke to my consultant about the Decapetyl injections making me really depressed again and he agreed that I can skip the last injection.
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Out of options
11.30am
I'm supposed to be at work today but I can't seem to drag myself out of the flat. I'm not functioning AT ALL. It's such a nice day outside and I can't make myself go out. I try to think of things to make myself feel better - codeine, watching tv, colouring, puzzles, sleeping - but I can't enjoy it or I can't focus on it. I've hit rock bottom again. I had a nice weekend as R came to stay and we hung out watching Netflix, then went to a BBQ and then went to lunch and the beach. It was really nice and I started to feel vaguely normal. But now the depression is back to the point where I'll be sobbing on the floor, unable to move. I've slipped back to comfort eating - Fatty, we meet again! The emotional pain is unbearable. I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to save me because I don't have the first clue on how to save myself.
I'm supposed to be at work today but I can't seem to drag myself out of the flat. I'm not functioning AT ALL. It's such a nice day outside and I can't make myself go out. I try to think of things to make myself feel better - codeine, watching tv, colouring, puzzles, sleeping - but I can't enjoy it or I can't focus on it. I've hit rock bottom again. I had a nice weekend as R came to stay and we hung out watching Netflix, then went to a BBQ and then went to lunch and the beach. It was really nice and I started to feel vaguely normal. But now the depression is back to the point where I'll be sobbing on the floor, unable to move. I've slipped back to comfort eating - Fatty, we meet again! The emotional pain is unbearable. I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to save me because I don't have the first clue on how to save myself.
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