11.40pm
I mentioned before that I went through a phase of starving myself as a form of control and to lose weight. My depression is getting worse and with that, my control over food usually ensues. I feel so fat, I'm restricting the amount of food I'm eating and finding it relatively easy to distract myself from hunger. I need to be thinner. I don't want to be anorexic or emaciated and I don't have an eating disorder but it's still self destructive behaviour. But I need to hold on to the weightloss. I need to hold on to something.
When I get like this, I go on to the 'myproana' website alot. It's designed to be a forum of support for eating disorders but it helps fuel my thinking that I'm too fat and need to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
It also fuels my anxiety. At the moment, I worry about everything. The hardest thing with depression, anxiety and endometriosis is that it's very unpredictable and if you have something planned, it may be that I don't feel up to doing it and have to force myself. This heightens the anxiety further. Like this weekend, I have committed to seeing my friend in a different city but I don't know how bad I will be feeling that day even if I'm looking forward to it now. If I don't feel up to something that is planned, I force myself to do it because I don't want to let people down. This gets me down and then I don't enjoy it but put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine.
I want to be able to feel comfortable having plans and not worry about if I'll be in pain or feeling depressed. No one knows how difficult this makes my life. I feel trapped in this cycle. I can't look forward to anything because I worry about it. One exception to this is going to the Lodge for christmas. Only 2 weeks to go.
Monday, 7 December 2015
Meltdowns - PLEASE READ
12.50am
So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):
So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):
- I feel that all control over my life is lost.
- I'd rather die than live with this pain (hence I don't think twice about taking all these drugs and alcohol).
- The last time I saw dad alive was on Father's Day, when we had an altercation over something unreasonable he said.
- My heart and the pit of my stomach feel pain, but it's not physical. It feels like it wants to be ripped out.
- I feel hopeless and helpless. No one can help me and there's no hope of a better life. It sounds materialistic but money makes life easier. I don't have that. I don't want to be rich, I just want to live comfortably. Dad wanted that for me. If he had lived a month longer, I would have had a £10000 pay out. I would be living comfortably with a mortgage. I don't blame him in the slightest for that though, It was just misfortune.
- Dad was very supportive of all the things in my life that he thought were positive. Although I had a very abusive childhood from him due to alcohol, I couldn't fault him as a father in the past few years that he was alive. He made up for all the bad things that happened. I couldn't fault him apart from that last Father's Day. I feel I was robbed of that Father-Daughter relationship that I had never had before the few years prior to his death. At 25, I was too young to have lost my father who finally stepped up to how I thought a father should be.
- He wasn't boring. He was such a character that even his cardiac nurse decided to make a case study on him. He's not an ordinary man that is easy to forget. Yes, he moaned all the time about things that he had no control over (so to me seemed like a waste of breath) but they were important to him so I always took the time to listen.
- In the past few years, I went from resenting him to loving him dearly. I loved him dearly for such a short time and then it was stripped from me. I did everything I could for him in his last couple of years but it wasn't enough. He died on the phone to me and I couldn't even recognise that. Even though it is very unlikely, I still feel like there was a chance I could have saved him.
- The complexity of all this is difficult for someone like me who may not be academically intelligent but socially intelligent. I am extremely good at reading people. I was the toddler cowering in the corner, waiting for something to happen while the domestic abuse happened every single night of my life until I left home. As my counsellor called me.....'the little professor'. It's why I'm so reserved and great at picking my friends. I judge what everyone does. Now I realise it's to judge whether I am likely to be hurt by it. I've been deeply hurt by Ryan and Charlotte but I knew that would come. Doesn't make it hurt any less. For those I call my best friends now, in particular B, R and M, you are lucky to survive my choosing of friends, I don't take it lightly after all the hurt I've been though in my life; Domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, violence, verbal abuse, mental abuse - every single day of my life. Inescapable. No one to turn to. My best friends didn't even know. The first person I told was my first boyfriend Ryan at 16 years old. He made me feel like I was over-reacting. Easy to say when he grew up in the 'perfect' middle class, stable parent household. It made me feel worthless, just like I do now. I even got bullied for being 'miserable' by my best friends at 14 years old even though I was suffering from depression (not that I was going to tell them). They had no idea what I was going through every day of my entire life and they made my life even more miserable. I ended up having to change friends group but that didn't stop them.
Looking at my past and present, I see nothing worth living for. I have spent my whole life trying to give to other people, make their lives better but what is there for me? I really appreciate all my friends do for me but sometimes when I'm alone, it doesn't feel enough, and that makes me feel attention seeking. It's not their fault they can't be there 24/7 to give me the hug and the shoulder to cry on when I've hit the bottomless pit of depression.
I feel as though depression is something brought from hell and therefore all that is left for me is hell. I do my best for everyone around me but it's not good enough. I NEED STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET IT! There isn't the funding for resources out there that I need, CBT is helping a little and my therapist is much better than the last one by taking a more gentle approach and explaining things in detail.
The thing is, I don't even know if having my friends rallying around me will help. I feel so selfish being wrapped up in myself. But putting everyone else first all the time has put me in this position. What am I supposed to do? Be selfish (which I fucking hate) or make time for others which creates satisfaction for me but doesn't help me long term.
My problem is that I'm too giving. My counsellor said it was because I was always trying to win my parents affection so that they wouldn't have an alcohol fueled domestic argument and fight that night (in which at 6 years old, would have to get involved when the knives were pulled out).
I feel completely lost on this planet. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Even with regards to my loved ones, They'd be better off without me.
I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.
I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.
THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG OF MY MELTDOWNS. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS THAT LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING.
Sunday, 6 December 2015
Friends make the world go around
11.30am
Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.
I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.
But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.
I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.
Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.
I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.
But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.
I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.
Saturday, 5 December 2015
Withdrawal.....again
11.30am
Opiate withdrawal sucks. I can have anything up to 500mg codeine a day and I've had about 130mg since Tuesday (around 45mg a day). I'm trying to taper myself off but I'm still withdrawing. I am so tired today from insomnia last night. I don't feel like doing anything today but I have the responsibility of walking the dog and getting the shopping. I just feel completely drained.
I have next week off sick and I'm going to get the following week (last week of term) off too. But that means I miss out on 2 work christmas meals. Kind of feel like it's discrimination because if I had a broken leg, they would allow me to come along but because it's mental health, they won't let me.
I'm thinking the medications may have damaged my liver or gall bladder as I get daily pain in that area and the doctor indicated I could have something wrong with my gall bladder after the acid reflux.
I had my appointment yesterday with the consultant about my endometriosis surgery. I have to have hormone blocker injections for 3 months before so it's going to worsen my depression for that time. I'm gutted. All this hard work I'm putting in now may be for nothing when I go back down hill in those 3 months. And then after that, I have to recover from surgery, possibly a bowel resection and if I'm unlucky, I will have to have a stoma fitted. I have a creepy consultant too, he keeps staring at my chest so I zipped my fleece up to my neck. Turns out, he's the one doing the surgery. I'll be naked and I can just see him taking a sneaky peek under the operating cloth. Not only that, he'll have access to my downstairs region! Every time I sit in the waiting room to see the consultant, everyone is always there with their partners. I'm always sat alone and it makes me feel lonely. People look at me as if they feel sorry for me because they think I'm pregnant with no father around or that I got pregnant from a one night stand. (The waiting room is also for prenatal women).
Opiate withdrawal sucks. I can have anything up to 500mg codeine a day and I've had about 130mg since Tuesday (around 45mg a day). I'm trying to taper myself off but I'm still withdrawing. I am so tired today from insomnia last night. I don't feel like doing anything today but I have the responsibility of walking the dog and getting the shopping. I just feel completely drained.
I have next week off sick and I'm going to get the following week (last week of term) off too. But that means I miss out on 2 work christmas meals. Kind of feel like it's discrimination because if I had a broken leg, they would allow me to come along but because it's mental health, they won't let me.
I'm thinking the medications may have damaged my liver or gall bladder as I get daily pain in that area and the doctor indicated I could have something wrong with my gall bladder after the acid reflux.
I had my appointment yesterday with the consultant about my endometriosis surgery. I have to have hormone blocker injections for 3 months before so it's going to worsen my depression for that time. I'm gutted. All this hard work I'm putting in now may be for nothing when I go back down hill in those 3 months. And then after that, I have to recover from surgery, possibly a bowel resection and if I'm unlucky, I will have to have a stoma fitted. I have a creepy consultant too, he keeps staring at my chest so I zipped my fleece up to my neck. Turns out, he's the one doing the surgery. I'll be naked and I can just see him taking a sneaky peek under the operating cloth. Not only that, he'll have access to my downstairs region! Every time I sit in the waiting room to see the consultant, everyone is always there with their partners. I'm always sat alone and it makes me feel lonely. People look at me as if they feel sorry for me because they think I'm pregnant with no father around or that I got pregnant from a one night stand. (The waiting room is also for prenatal women).
Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Slow start
1.45pm
I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.
Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.
Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.
So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.
I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.
Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.
3.20pm
I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it.
Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.
10.15pm
I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.
I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.
Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.
Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.
So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.
I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.
Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.
3.20pm
I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it.
Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.
10.15pm
I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.
I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.
I don't know how much more I can take.
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