9.30am
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I don't feel as though I have much to say. I had a meltdown last night. Probably because I drank some alcohol. Definitely avoiding it from now on. It caused me to also binge on biscuits and crisps. I feel ashamed. I even smoked and I don't know why. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better and I was running out of options. B ended up dragging me to bed at 3am where I cried in his arms. He was amazing. He tried taking my mind off it with questions unrelated to my depression and held my hand. I wasn't expecting any of that and I don't think he's ever been quite that attentive during meltdown in the night. It made me feel even more ashamed and guilty for smoking and drinking.
Here I sit at work, very tired, no motivation and depressed as hell. I really don't feel as though I should be at work today. I'm tossing up whether to take a load of codeine just to get me through the day. I need something.
Friday, 27 May 2016
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
Decapeptyl continued
11.10am
I have been putting off writing on my blog for ages. I guess I don't want to face how I'm feeling and so much has happened. The worse thing about putting off the blog is that I end up with so much to write or forget half the things I wanted to talk about.
One of the first things that is having a huge affect on me is the dreaded Decapeptyl injections. For the first 2 weeks after, I thought I had gotten away with the side effect of severe depression but 2 weeks in, it reared it's ugly head and surely over time has been seeping it's claws further and further in. I'm constantly over sensitive, I feel as though I'm wasting my life right now as I do everything I can to avoid thinking about it such as sleeping and binge watching tv shows (to the point where I've subscribed to Netflix!). But it's necessary just to get through each day right now. I was making improvements before the injections and I feel as though people will be disappointed that I've slipped back to the bottom. I know I'm disappointed to say the least. B has been getting daily migraines so I'm having to do my best to look after him too. I feel so helpless as a lot of the time, there isn't much I can do other than give him emotional support when I can't even support myself. I can't keep up with keeping the flat clean because of the depression and B can't do much because of his migraines. I'm not in floods of tears on the floor about it all like I used to be. I'm responding differently this time in that I can't bring myself to do anything, I feel like a depressed zombie. I enjoy work when I can get my head into getting off my ass and doing my job. But when I struggle to do anything at work, it gets me down. My boss asked me to do something for him and then he criticized me for the work I produced. This really upset me since I'm super sensitive and this makes me feel so totally pathetic. However, B took me out for dinner that evening to cheer me up and despite not wanting to go, I forced myself and ended up enjoying it.
Before, I though B had made his mind up about moving away for work. After days of me bottling up how I felt, and of him being totally insensitive to this, we talked about the options. I was afraid it would turn into an argument which was that last thing I could cope with but luckily we had a conversation and things turned out OK. I told him that it would be the worse possible time to think about working away and after I explained why (depression treatment, Decapeptyl injections, endometriosis surgery, my neice having a baby, enjoying my job), he agreed. How he couldn't work this out for himself, I don't know. Since then, our relationship has gotten so much better, we enjoy being together and we're being more open with each other. Although there are things I am keeping to myself which I will discuss further on.
A huge change to my life is about to happen. My best friend M is moving 200 miles away. I'm devastated and massively struggling to adjust. I'm not going to go into my true feelings as M may read this but lets just say I feel as though my life has been turned upside down but that's my problem, not hers. She is doing what is best for her which I expect of her. Her happiness is what is important to me. I can't come to terms with it. *Holds back tears*
My other best friend A has gone inpatient to an eating disorders centre. She's not doing well at all according to her mum. A isn't allowed outside communication so I haven't been able to speak to her in a week. It's so hard to know she's really struggling and there is literally nothing I can do. And I can't stop thinking about needing help myself for my depression but only having the limited CBT now and again. Makes me feel like the illness I have or just me myself isn't worthy enough of help. A has this great opportunity for all the help she needs and 2 years on, I'm still struggling. It feels like I'm never going to get better and the future terrifies me.
So with all of this plus other niggly bits, I can't say I'm coping well at all. I just can't bring myself to care about my wellbeing and I'm in self-destruct mode. My codeine addiction has spiralled out of control as it's the only thing that get's me through the day and I'm starving myself to feel like I have control over something in my life. I'm going to have to discuss with my doctor at my next Decapeptyl injection appointment of whether I'm going to have it or not. I can't deal with feeling like this again for another 2-3 months.
And with all this, B has bought me an engagement ring in readiness for a proposal but who the f*** would want to spend the rest of their lives with me? I don't deserve to have someone commit to me when I can't even commit to myself. Two best friends abandoned me, another is moving 200 miles away, another lives an hour and a half away and another is in a hospital. After CBT taught me to rely on my friends, they seem to be disappearing and now I don't know how to cope without them. It's one big mess and I'm going to end up alone at this rate and I don't know how to make things better. It feels as though no one is taking my depression seriously at the moment because it's Decapeptyl induced and therefore will only be temporary. But right now it feels like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be months until I'm back to normal - and in which time I'll be trying to recover from surgery. Depression is eating away at me and I'm starting to feel like an empty shell.
1.00pm
I made this blog so my friends could see how I'm feeling and getting on but by looking at my page views for past posts, doesn't look like many bother reading it. Which seems pointless in me writing it. Where do I go from here?
I have been putting off writing on my blog for ages. I guess I don't want to face how I'm feeling and so much has happened. The worse thing about putting off the blog is that I end up with so much to write or forget half the things I wanted to talk about.
One of the first things that is having a huge affect on me is the dreaded Decapeptyl injections. For the first 2 weeks after, I thought I had gotten away with the side effect of severe depression but 2 weeks in, it reared it's ugly head and surely over time has been seeping it's claws further and further in. I'm constantly over sensitive, I feel as though I'm wasting my life right now as I do everything I can to avoid thinking about it such as sleeping and binge watching tv shows (to the point where I've subscribed to Netflix!). But it's necessary just to get through each day right now. I was making improvements before the injections and I feel as though people will be disappointed that I've slipped back to the bottom. I know I'm disappointed to say the least. B has been getting daily migraines so I'm having to do my best to look after him too. I feel so helpless as a lot of the time, there isn't much I can do other than give him emotional support when I can't even support myself. I can't keep up with keeping the flat clean because of the depression and B can't do much because of his migraines. I'm not in floods of tears on the floor about it all like I used to be. I'm responding differently this time in that I can't bring myself to do anything, I feel like a depressed zombie. I enjoy work when I can get my head into getting off my ass and doing my job. But when I struggle to do anything at work, it gets me down. My boss asked me to do something for him and then he criticized me for the work I produced. This really upset me since I'm super sensitive and this makes me feel so totally pathetic. However, B took me out for dinner that evening to cheer me up and despite not wanting to go, I forced myself and ended up enjoying it.
Before, I though B had made his mind up about moving away for work. After days of me bottling up how I felt, and of him being totally insensitive to this, we talked about the options. I was afraid it would turn into an argument which was that last thing I could cope with but luckily we had a conversation and things turned out OK. I told him that it would be the worse possible time to think about working away and after I explained why (depression treatment, Decapeptyl injections, endometriosis surgery, my neice having a baby, enjoying my job), he agreed. How he couldn't work this out for himself, I don't know. Since then, our relationship has gotten so much better, we enjoy being together and we're being more open with each other. Although there are things I am keeping to myself which I will discuss further on.
A huge change to my life is about to happen. My best friend M is moving 200 miles away. I'm devastated and massively struggling to adjust. I'm not going to go into my true feelings as M may read this but lets just say I feel as though my life has been turned upside down but that's my problem, not hers. She is doing what is best for her which I expect of her. Her happiness is what is important to me. I can't come to terms with it. *Holds back tears*
My other best friend A has gone inpatient to an eating disorders centre. She's not doing well at all according to her mum. A isn't allowed outside communication so I haven't been able to speak to her in a week. It's so hard to know she's really struggling and there is literally nothing I can do. And I can't stop thinking about needing help myself for my depression but only having the limited CBT now and again. Makes me feel like the illness I have or just me myself isn't worthy enough of help. A has this great opportunity for all the help she needs and 2 years on, I'm still struggling. It feels like I'm never going to get better and the future terrifies me.
So with all of this plus other niggly bits, I can't say I'm coping well at all. I just can't bring myself to care about my wellbeing and I'm in self-destruct mode. My codeine addiction has spiralled out of control as it's the only thing that get's me through the day and I'm starving myself to feel like I have control over something in my life. I'm going to have to discuss with my doctor at my next Decapeptyl injection appointment of whether I'm going to have it or not. I can't deal with feeling like this again for another 2-3 months.
And with all this, B has bought me an engagement ring in readiness for a proposal but who the f*** would want to spend the rest of their lives with me? I don't deserve to have someone commit to me when I can't even commit to myself. Two best friends abandoned me, another is moving 200 miles away, another lives an hour and a half away and another is in a hospital. After CBT taught me to rely on my friends, they seem to be disappearing and now I don't know how to cope without them. It's one big mess and I'm going to end up alone at this rate and I don't know how to make things better. It feels as though no one is taking my depression seriously at the moment because it's Decapeptyl induced and therefore will only be temporary. But right now it feels like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be months until I'm back to normal - and in which time I'll be trying to recover from surgery. Depression is eating away at me and I'm starting to feel like an empty shell.
1.00pm
I made this blog so my friends could see how I'm feeling and getting on but by looking at my page views for past posts, doesn't look like many bother reading it. Which seems pointless in me writing it. Where do I go from here?
Wednesday, 13 April 2016
Resigned to feeling lonely and unwanted. And decapeptyl injections
12.00pm
I feel as though B has already made his mind up about moving away. His mum said that he wasn't happy with his day off yesterday (despite still being fully paid) as it was not enhancing his career. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday and asked him to help if he got bored but he said he wouldn't get bored and obviously didn't want to help. I found out later that he was doing some work at the cricket club instead. I asked what he was doing there and his reply was 'I don't want to talk about it!' Last time he was avoiding me (as he is now with going to the cricket ground, constantly playing on his xbox with headphones on and going out whenever he has an excuse) was because he wanted a break from my mental illness. I didn't think I'd been that bad recently but I can't blame him if he wants a break. So he's barely talking to me and isn't interested in trying to support me. All he wants to do it run 230 miles away.
This makes me feel so lonely and unworthy. I'm dealing with everything with a little help from M, A and L but the one who is supposed to be there the most, doesn't want to be. I get the feeling he's made his mind up to move but doesn't want to tell me until he finds out how I respond to the injections.
Started my Decapeptyl injections 2 days ago. It was excruciatingly painful and now I have a bubble of powder in my butt cheek muscle so I can't sit down properly. Yesterday while working a long day at work, I sobbed and sobbed because B doesn't seem to want to support me anymore. I also got VERY angry. I'm not usually like that but I'm glad I was on my own so I didn't take it out on anyone. I felt like punching walls! So I stomped around a lot instead. So the side effects I've found so far are anger, not being able to sleep and depression.
Since B's family are down this weekend, they'll probably let slip that he's talked to them about the move. I'm not looking forward to finding out for sure. I'm not sure he's matured enough to know how to handle these kind of situations and realise that now may not be the best time to be making big decisions like that. And if he really loved me and wanted what was best for me, was to start looking for other jobs once I'm a bit better.
But it's not for me to say. He just has to do what makes him happy or whats best for him. I couldn't do what was best for me like he is right now but that's where we differ.
I want to cry, scream and shout right now but I have to bottle things while at work and then bottle them again when I get home because of B. I'm terrified it'll make him back off more. So here I am internalising and making my depression worse to keep him happy. Or else lose him. I'm really really disappointed it's ended up here.
I feel as though B has already made his mind up about moving away. His mum said that he wasn't happy with his day off yesterday (despite still being fully paid) as it was not enhancing his career. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday and asked him to help if he got bored but he said he wouldn't get bored and obviously didn't want to help. I found out later that he was doing some work at the cricket club instead. I asked what he was doing there and his reply was 'I don't want to talk about it!' Last time he was avoiding me (as he is now with going to the cricket ground, constantly playing on his xbox with headphones on and going out whenever he has an excuse) was because he wanted a break from my mental illness. I didn't think I'd been that bad recently but I can't blame him if he wants a break. So he's barely talking to me and isn't interested in trying to support me. All he wants to do it run 230 miles away.
This makes me feel so lonely and unworthy. I'm dealing with everything with a little help from M, A and L but the one who is supposed to be there the most, doesn't want to be. I get the feeling he's made his mind up to move but doesn't want to tell me until he finds out how I respond to the injections.
Started my Decapeptyl injections 2 days ago. It was excruciatingly painful and now I have a bubble of powder in my butt cheek muscle so I can't sit down properly. Yesterday while working a long day at work, I sobbed and sobbed because B doesn't seem to want to support me anymore. I also got VERY angry. I'm not usually like that but I'm glad I was on my own so I didn't take it out on anyone. I felt like punching walls! So I stomped around a lot instead. So the side effects I've found so far are anger, not being able to sleep and depression.
Since B's family are down this weekend, they'll probably let slip that he's talked to them about the move. I'm not looking forward to finding out for sure. I'm not sure he's matured enough to know how to handle these kind of situations and realise that now may not be the best time to be making big decisions like that. And if he really loved me and wanted what was best for me, was to start looking for other jobs once I'm a bit better.
But it's not for me to say. He just has to do what makes him happy or whats best for him. I couldn't do what was best for me like he is right now but that's where we differ.
I want to cry, scream and shout right now but I have to bottle things while at work and then bottle them again when I get home because of B. I'm terrified it'll make him back off more. So here I am internalising and making my depression worse to keep him happy. Or else lose him. I'm really really disappointed it's ended up here.
Friday, 8 April 2016
Post holiday blues?
2.00pm
Over Easter, I had been to Portugal for 10 nights with my mum as my treat. We left for the airport at 6.30am and then our flight was delayed by an hour. Got to our hotel and it was vile. We got to our prison cell....I mean room and it was filthy everywhere. There was wires hanging out the heater which I didn't know until I plugged it in and it tripped the electric to our apartment. The main hotel part looked like it was the set from 'The Shining' and the food was horrible. The plates were covered in grease with a dirty residue on them and the glasses were so dirty that you couldn't see through them.
I complained the next day and I just got a rude response from the girl at the desk and she seemed as though she didn't give a crap. So, I looked online and found another hotel. It was basic and self catering but it was clean which is all we wanted. Now I have to fight to get my money back.
On the positive side, I visited Gibraltar, Lisbon, Albufeira, Lagos, Silves, Monchique mountains and Cape Vincente (the most south westerly part of the Iberian peninsula also known as the 'End of the World'). I really enjoyed the travelling around and seeing new places. Gibraltar was by far the best, it's beautiful out there.
While I was away, I found out all these things...
- The car I had given to B has died and is going to get scrapped
- The TV at home has died
- My gran is really ill
- The extent of my mums alcoholism became apparent
- B may be moving 230 miles away for his job so I don't know if our relationship of 5 years is going to hold up
- My sister isn't really talking to me since she found out about my niece being pregnant
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday because my CBT therapist made me list everything that was wrong in my life and instead of reassuring me that I'll get past it, she was more like - holy crap, you've got alot going on, on top of your mental illness and endometriosis. So it's hit home how hard my life is. I was meant to go to work yesterday and today but can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though I'm spiralling into depression again but I need to stay focussed and keep my spirits up with doing things I enjoy. I'm also sleeping alot more now which isn't a good sign. I'm always tired and it's making me miserable. I feel I'm starting to rely more and more on codeine and diazepam which is really dangerous and the last thing I should be doing but nothing else gives me release from the mental whirlwind in my head.
Any comments of encouragement on here would be great. Depression makes you appreciate the little things in life.
Over Easter, I had been to Portugal for 10 nights with my mum as my treat. We left for the airport at 6.30am and then our flight was delayed by an hour. Got to our hotel and it was vile. We got to our prison cell....I mean room and it was filthy everywhere. There was wires hanging out the heater which I didn't know until I plugged it in and it tripped the electric to our apartment. The main hotel part looked like it was the set from 'The Shining' and the food was horrible. The plates were covered in grease with a dirty residue on them and the glasses were so dirty that you couldn't see through them.
I complained the next day and I just got a rude response from the girl at the desk and she seemed as though she didn't give a crap. So, I looked online and found another hotel. It was basic and self catering but it was clean which is all we wanted. Now I have to fight to get my money back.
On the positive side, I visited Gibraltar, Lisbon, Albufeira, Lagos, Silves, Monchique mountains and Cape Vincente (the most south westerly part of the Iberian peninsula also known as the 'End of the World'). I really enjoyed the travelling around and seeing new places. Gibraltar was by far the best, it's beautiful out there.
While I was away, I found out all these things...
- The car I had given to B has died and is going to get scrapped
- The TV at home has died
- My gran is really ill
- The extent of my mums alcoholism became apparent
- B may be moving 230 miles away for his job so I don't know if our relationship of 5 years is going to hold up
- My sister isn't really talking to me since she found out about my niece being pregnant
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday because my CBT therapist made me list everything that was wrong in my life and instead of reassuring me that I'll get past it, she was more like - holy crap, you've got alot going on, on top of your mental illness and endometriosis. So it's hit home how hard my life is. I was meant to go to work yesterday and today but can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though I'm spiralling into depression again but I need to stay focussed and keep my spirits up with doing things I enjoy. I'm also sleeping alot more now which isn't a good sign. I'm always tired and it's making me miserable. I feel I'm starting to rely more and more on codeine and diazepam which is really dangerous and the last thing I should be doing but nothing else gives me release from the mental whirlwind in my head.
Any comments of encouragement on here would be great. Depression makes you appreciate the little things in life.
Thursday, 24 March 2016
Seeping in the cracks
8.00am
I feel depression seeping into the cracks. I'm not sure why though. Things are going ok. I'm off to Portugal on saturday and I don't want to go. It's just too much hassle. And the flat is a mess and I feel my mind is a mess but I don't have the time or energy to process things. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
To be continued.... I have to leave for work.
9.30am
I have horrible GORD again. Knew I shouldn't have had jalapenos last night. I'm going off my food which is great so it must have been the Gabapentin that caused the massive cravings and binge eating. I think the last time I took it was tuesday morning. I've been feeling horrible ever since but I didn't think there was supposed to be withdrawal from it. I've had headaches, severe tiredness and fatigue, depression, reflux, nausea, anxiety. I wasn't told gabapentin had withdrawal symptoms. I'm just hoping that because I was taking the lowest dose and wasn't taking it for very long that the withdrawal won't last.
I just need to keep thinking that I'm feeling mentally horrible because of withdrawal now, rather than it being for no reason. I had touble with thought processes on Gabapentin and was confused alot of the time with short term memory loss. This was disturbing in itself.
A friend is going IP to hospital to get the help she needs which is fantastic. I feel a little jealous that no one thinks I'm unwell enough to have some intensive treatment for my depression. I'm trying so hard but I'm still about to get shoved out the other side of the NHS with no support. I have my friends but they can only help so much and I feel as though B is getting fed up of me.
Feeling mentally and physically awful at the moment and I've started abusing my codeine again. I have tried so hard not to go down this road again but here I am. Misguided into the wrong direction by my own brain. If I can't even control my brain, how is someone else going to help?
I feel depression seeping into the cracks. I'm not sure why though. Things are going ok. I'm off to Portugal on saturday and I don't want to go. It's just too much hassle. And the flat is a mess and I feel my mind is a mess but I don't have the time or energy to process things. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
To be continued.... I have to leave for work.
9.30am
I have horrible GORD again. Knew I shouldn't have had jalapenos last night. I'm going off my food which is great so it must have been the Gabapentin that caused the massive cravings and binge eating. I think the last time I took it was tuesday morning. I've been feeling horrible ever since but I didn't think there was supposed to be withdrawal from it. I've had headaches, severe tiredness and fatigue, depression, reflux, nausea, anxiety. I wasn't told gabapentin had withdrawal symptoms. I'm just hoping that because I was taking the lowest dose and wasn't taking it for very long that the withdrawal won't last.
I just need to keep thinking that I'm feeling mentally horrible because of withdrawal now, rather than it being for no reason. I had touble with thought processes on Gabapentin and was confused alot of the time with short term memory loss. This was disturbing in itself.
A friend is going IP to hospital to get the help she needs which is fantastic. I feel a little jealous that no one thinks I'm unwell enough to have some intensive treatment for my depression. I'm trying so hard but I'm still about to get shoved out the other side of the NHS with no support. I have my friends but they can only help so much and I feel as though B is getting fed up of me.
Feeling mentally and physically awful at the moment and I've started abusing my codeine again. I have tried so hard not to go down this road again but here I am. Misguided into the wrong direction by my own brain. If I can't even control my brain, how is someone else going to help?
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