10.00am
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
I took Frodo to the vet this morning to have his teeth filed down. It was so sad. He was obviously in destress because he was away from his brothers for the first time ever. I'm feeling really bad that I had to take him but he needs the procedure done. I'm just worried he will be in pain afterwards even though it's not an invasive procedure.
Ben toook out the binbag this morning without asking! And did part of the washing up last night without asking! We are getting somewhere but it took me cutting my wrist for him to do it. And it'll only last so long. I just hope he'll make the effort to pick up after himself. He left things on the window sill last night so it's going to be a long road.
I'm still very tired today so I will ring the doctor on friday and request the blood test.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
Lunch = Lentil soup and Nakd bar (327 cals)
Dinner = Mexican pizza and quavers (513 cals)
Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine (370 cals)
8.45pm
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head so I'll try and write coherently. Firstly, Frodo is back from the vets but he's so withdrawn, I feel so damn guilty. I'm trying to give him some tasty foods to gain the trust back but he's not biting (pardon the pun). Secondly, I had my CBT appointment today and she didn't look at my questionnaire until right at the end of the session which indicates my moods for the past week. She's meant to look at it at the start. It asks on there if you plan on harming yourself and asks if you have harmed yourself. I was honest and said yes to the fact that I have harmed myself so she made me explain what happened. She seemed frustrated that I didn't mention it at the beginning but the moment never arose. I was too busy telling her about what a great time I had on Sunday with my best friend. She seemed quite disappointed and I came away feeling more shit about myself than I had before. At the end of each session, she gives me thing to work on. Last week was to start making time for myself and stop making all my time about putting other people first. This week is to evaluate before I think about putting others first. Will putting myself first be to the detriment of someone else in that particular scenario? Hopefully this analysis will help me to spend more time looking after me and hopefully I can start to get better. But......tonight I'm finding that a huge challenge. I called my mum to say I had bought some medication for the dog. The conversation was fine until she said 'It doesn't matter anyway as I don't feel like I'll be here much longer with the way I'm feeling'. This hit me like a brick in the chest. I hurt that she's hurting so much. I may give her another call soon to check on her. I feel as though I'm not doing enough for her as I'm 40 miles away and I don't have the time or the money to keep seeing her on a regular basis. As a result, my sister is having to pick up the pieces. Mum is obviously very clingy and spending a lot of time with them when they have busy lives themselves. I don't know what to do. I feel very hopeless tonight. I'm so worried about my family. I know I'm struggling but it never escapes my mind that they are too.
Total calories = 1681
Not in the right mind to tell you all about it tonight but the CRISIS team were called because I've been in an absolute state. Might talk more about it tomorrow.
Wednesday, 21 October 2015
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Hospital visit
7.00am
So last night at about 11.30pm, I took myself off to hospital. I self harmed. I cut deeper and deeper and then before I knew it, it looked like a cut that needed stitches. I was hoping they would just patch it up and let me go but I stupidly blurted out that I did it on purpose and that I had taken 10mg diazepam and 5 codeine tablets. So then I had to wait for the psychiatrist at 1.30am. She explained she was from the Crisis Team and that I should call her if I feel like that again. Well......I feel like a right twat so won't be doing that again. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself that I'm skipping breakfast and probably lunch too. I'm feeling so down trodden right now, spiraling down into an abyss. But I must dust myself off, get to work and pretend everything is fine. I've had 4 hours sleep. I feel terrible.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
2.30pm
Had a busy day today and now I am shattered after only 4 hours sleep. Got so many practicals going on but managed to come up with a diary for slimming world. I start it on Thursday but it seems so far away. I'm not going to give up my smoothies because they're low calorie and now I put green tea in it, they're super healthy too. Had 3 hours of my course this morning but I managed to get some work done. Should be doing more now but I'm so tired, I can't face it. Tomorrow, the packing up of the department starts again as we're moving to a new building. I have to pack up 3 labs. not looking forward to it but atleast I'll burn more calories.
Lunch = Jacket potato with baked beans (445 cals)
Dinner = Mexican refried bean pizza and chocolate (667 cals )
Alcohol = 4 shots of rum with coke (280 cals)
Total calories = 1609
So last night at about 11.30pm, I took myself off to hospital. I self harmed. I cut deeper and deeper and then before I knew it, it looked like a cut that needed stitches. I was hoping they would just patch it up and let me go but I stupidly blurted out that I did it on purpose and that I had taken 10mg diazepam and 5 codeine tablets. So then I had to wait for the psychiatrist at 1.30am. She explained she was from the Crisis Team and that I should call her if I feel like that again. Well......I feel like a right twat so won't be doing that again. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself that I'm skipping breakfast and probably lunch too. I'm feeling so down trodden right now, spiraling down into an abyss. But I must dust myself off, get to work and pretend everything is fine. I've had 4 hours sleep. I feel terrible.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
2.30pm
Had a busy day today and now I am shattered after only 4 hours sleep. Got so many practicals going on but managed to come up with a diary for slimming world. I start it on Thursday but it seems so far away. I'm not going to give up my smoothies because they're low calorie and now I put green tea in it, they're super healthy too. Had 3 hours of my course this morning but I managed to get some work done. Should be doing more now but I'm so tired, I can't face it. Tomorrow, the packing up of the department starts again as we're moving to a new building. I have to pack up 3 labs. not looking forward to it but atleast I'll burn more calories.
Lunch = Jacket potato with baked beans (445 cals)
Dinner = Mexican refried bean pizza and chocolate (667 cals )
Alcohol = 4 shots of rum with coke (280 cals)
Total calories = 1609
Monday, 19 October 2015
Hearing things in my head
7.15am
Woke up really not looking forward to today although I am very much enjoying the new clean flat. It makes such a difference to my mood. In the middle of the night, I woke up screaming because I thought I'd heard some sort of technology go off really loudly from my bedside table and I recoiled from it. Apparently it was all in my head but it was so loud! Such a strange experience. So now I kind feel like I'm going crazy.
I had really bad pain from my endometriosis that even a full dose of codeine couldn't help so I had 2 full doses of tramadol yesterday. The pain was still there, but not as bad. It's ok this morning but it could still flare up.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
Lunch = Salad a la M with brie and veggie gammon (536 cals)
12.00pm
Had a very busy morning at work. It seems as though whenever I am busy, I suddenly get really tired and can't function. I can't think why this is. I'm eating more healthily and despite waking up screaming, I slept quite well last night. I seem to have some sort of chronic fatigue going on. I'll mention it at the doctors next time I go. I also need to get her to book me into a blood test to check my thyroid. I've just had half a mocha to try and wake me up a bit. Can't have too much caffeine as I'm quite sensitive to it. I'll have some lunch now and then I'll get on with some of my teaching course stuff if I can. Should be able to leave work on time today which is great!
Snack = Banana and Muller rice corner (266 cals)
4.00pm
I have been so unbelievably tired. I am so sick of feeling tired all the damn time and I have no idea why it is. I'm in work desperately needing a nap to function. As a result, I've not been productive this afternoon and it stresses me out. Starting to think of dad a bit more today. I've been blocking it from my mind but I think I'll try and face it tonight.
7.45pm
Dinner = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
So I've been thinking lightly about dad tonight. Forcing myself to focus wholly on it would be detrimental. It's strange as usually I would be bawling my eyes out but I'm strangely calm and numb. Doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm worthless though. I feel like I deserve to be breaking down about it. I am also really craving unhealthy food but I'm not going to go over my allotted calories or that will make me feel more worthless. I want life to be over tonight.
Tonight I feel as though I'm sick of living.
Alcohol = 3 shots of vodka (207 cals)
9.40pm
B came back from the friends flat downstairs. I hid the fact that I had been crying. He really wanted a back massage to help with his sciatica so I obliged. Now he's asleep so he doesn't have to see my turmoil while I'm sat in the spare room. It's peaceful and neutral in here. Holds no memories. But here I am, sat feeling numb but also feeling like I need to cry but can't. I feel so confused. I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, unwinding with my book. But nights like these catch me unaware. My mind is all over the place and I feel lost. I don't know what I should be thinking. I feel like I should be thinking about dad but my head is so chaotic that I can't think of one thing for more than a second. B just came in as he noticed I was missing from the bed. I told him I needed some time to myself and he's gone. He'll be asleep in 2 minutes time. Doesn't bother him enough to stay awake for. I feel like I want to self harm again. I self harmed about 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I need to again to snap me out of this numbness. Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't self harmed since about 5 months ago. I feel ashamed to admit it but I need to be honest in this. I always hit the issue of where to do it. I always do it in places that look like an 'accident' or places that will never get seen by someone else. Taking codeine, tramadol and diazepam is also going around my head. What to do??.....
After thinking about things, I think about how many people I know are engaged and/or having kids. I'm not good enough for either of these things because I'm so fucked up. Or I've not earned enough income to deserve either of these things. For better or worse.....with me it's always worse so I can see why no one would want to tie the knot with me. I can't describe the feeling of being so worthless. All I can say is that it's so painful.
Woke up really not looking forward to today although I am very much enjoying the new clean flat. It makes such a difference to my mood. In the middle of the night, I woke up screaming because I thought I'd heard some sort of technology go off really loudly from my bedside table and I recoiled from it. Apparently it was all in my head but it was so loud! Such a strange experience. So now I kind feel like I'm going crazy.
I had really bad pain from my endometriosis that even a full dose of codeine couldn't help so I had 2 full doses of tramadol yesterday. The pain was still there, but not as bad. It's ok this morning but it could still flare up.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
Lunch = Salad a la M with brie and veggie gammon (536 cals)
12.00pm
Had a very busy morning at work. It seems as though whenever I am busy, I suddenly get really tired and can't function. I can't think why this is. I'm eating more healthily and despite waking up screaming, I slept quite well last night. I seem to have some sort of chronic fatigue going on. I'll mention it at the doctors next time I go. I also need to get her to book me into a blood test to check my thyroid. I've just had half a mocha to try and wake me up a bit. Can't have too much caffeine as I'm quite sensitive to it. I'll have some lunch now and then I'll get on with some of my teaching course stuff if I can. Should be able to leave work on time today which is great!
Snack = Banana and Muller rice corner (266 cals)
4.00pm
I have been so unbelievably tired. I am so sick of feeling tired all the damn time and I have no idea why it is. I'm in work desperately needing a nap to function. As a result, I've not been productive this afternoon and it stresses me out. Starting to think of dad a bit more today. I've been blocking it from my mind but I think I'll try and face it tonight.
7.45pm
Dinner = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
So I've been thinking lightly about dad tonight. Forcing myself to focus wholly on it would be detrimental. It's strange as usually I would be bawling my eyes out but I'm strangely calm and numb. Doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm worthless though. I feel like I deserve to be breaking down about it. I am also really craving unhealthy food but I'm not going to go over my allotted calories or that will make me feel more worthless. I want life to be over tonight.
Tonight I feel as though I'm sick of living.
Alcohol = 3 shots of vodka (207 cals)
9.40pm
B came back from the friends flat downstairs. I hid the fact that I had been crying. He really wanted a back massage to help with his sciatica so I obliged. Now he's asleep so he doesn't have to see my turmoil while I'm sat in the spare room. It's peaceful and neutral in here. Holds no memories. But here I am, sat feeling numb but also feeling like I need to cry but can't. I feel so confused. I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, unwinding with my book. But nights like these catch me unaware. My mind is all over the place and I feel lost. I don't know what I should be thinking. I feel like I should be thinking about dad but my head is so chaotic that I can't think of one thing for more than a second. B just came in as he noticed I was missing from the bed. I told him I needed some time to myself and he's gone. He'll be asleep in 2 minutes time. Doesn't bother him enough to stay awake for. I feel like I want to self harm again. I self harmed about 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I need to again to snap me out of this numbness. Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't self harmed since about 5 months ago. I feel ashamed to admit it but I need to be honest in this. I always hit the issue of where to do it. I always do it in places that look like an 'accident' or places that will never get seen by someone else. Taking codeine, tramadol and diazepam is also going around my head. What to do??.....
After thinking about things, I think about how many people I know are engaged and/or having kids. I'm not good enough for either of these things because I'm so fucked up. Or I've not earned enough income to deserve either of these things. For better or worse.....with me it's always worse so I can see why no one would want to tie the knot with me. I can't describe the feeling of being so worthless. All I can say is that it's so painful.
Sunday, 18 October 2015
Tidy home = tidy mind
9.00am
I have finished the last of the major cleaning today. HALLELUJAH!! I'm feeling a little better now, ready to get on with my teaching course assignment. Although B still hasn't done the kitchen. Hoping that he will once he gets out of bed.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
2.00pm
Had a nap at 11.15am and woke up at 12.45pm. I feel so much better that I'm looking after myself and listening to my body's needs. My endometriosis has been a bit more settled as a result. And I managed to get some of my teaching assignment done this morning. I have finished cleaning and B did end up finishing the washing up (although didn't extend to tidying the rest of the kitchen). He made up for that by coming to help me fold the washing without me asking. It's made such a difference but it makes it hard when he makes it clear that he'd really rather not be doing it - well I'd rather not either!! When he got up to help me fold the washing, I said 'You don't look like you want to be helping'. He replied 'Well, I'd rather you waited until I finished eating'. I never even asked him to help, let alone help while he was eating so I think that was unfair. It's a constant battle with the cleaning, and it sometimes makes me think that if it's going to be like this all the time, what's the point of staying together. He'd obviously rather have a girlfriend who did everything for him without question. Goes to show what happens when you grow up with cleaners all your life. There wouldn't be a battle if he tidied up after himself but he doesn't, just leaves all his rubbish lying around. It's really hard work.
But on a more positive note, M should be here soon. She was supposed to be here 35 minutes ago! M - get your ass here! She's going to help me sort the spare room and shift some of it to the garage. and then we'll have a chilled evening while I do some teaching work.
Lunch = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
6.50pm
M and I sorted out the spare room! I feel liberated and exercised - so many stairs! Now we're watching One Born Every Minute and waiting for our dinner. Good times.
Dinner = 2 Quorn gammon steaks, mash, 2 eggs and sweetcorn (587 cals)
Alcohol = Half a can of cider (80 cals)
Total calories = 1275
I have finished the last of the major cleaning today. HALLELUJAH!! I'm feeling a little better now, ready to get on with my teaching course assignment. Although B still hasn't done the kitchen. Hoping that he will once he gets out of bed.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
2.00pm
Had a nap at 11.15am and woke up at 12.45pm. I feel so much better that I'm looking after myself and listening to my body's needs. My endometriosis has been a bit more settled as a result. And I managed to get some of my teaching assignment done this morning. I have finished cleaning and B did end up finishing the washing up (although didn't extend to tidying the rest of the kitchen). He made up for that by coming to help me fold the washing without me asking. It's made such a difference but it makes it hard when he makes it clear that he'd really rather not be doing it - well I'd rather not either!! When he got up to help me fold the washing, I said 'You don't look like you want to be helping'. He replied 'Well, I'd rather you waited until I finished eating'. I never even asked him to help, let alone help while he was eating so I think that was unfair. It's a constant battle with the cleaning, and it sometimes makes me think that if it's going to be like this all the time, what's the point of staying together. He'd obviously rather have a girlfriend who did everything for him without question. Goes to show what happens when you grow up with cleaners all your life. There wouldn't be a battle if he tidied up after himself but he doesn't, just leaves all his rubbish lying around. It's really hard work.
But on a more positive note, M should be here soon. She was supposed to be here 35 minutes ago! M - get your ass here! She's going to help me sort the spare room and shift some of it to the garage. and then we'll have a chilled evening while I do some teaching work.
Lunch = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
6.50pm
M and I sorted out the spare room! I feel liberated and exercised - so many stairs! Now we're watching One Born Every Minute and waiting for our dinner. Good times.
Dinner = 2 Quorn gammon steaks, mash, 2 eggs and sweetcorn (587 cals)
Alcohol = Half a can of cider (80 cals)
Total calories = 1275
Saturday, 17 October 2015
Cleaning day
11.40am
Weight = 9st 2.4
BMI = 24.3
So today is a cleaning day. I've cleaned the rats and the bathroom so far but the rest of the flat is a tip. What was really great though was that I got up and started cleaning. Then without me even asking, B got up and started helping! This is a rare occurrence and it's made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside. Definitely takes away the stress of a cleaning day. I'm sat on the sofa now, having a break but I've suddenly gotten really tired, struggling to keep my eyes open so I will have to have a nap which is disappointing. It's such a waste of time. I am also VERY hungry today, just had a bacon sandwich and my stomach is still rumbling =(
Breakfast = Veggie bacon sandwich (472 cals)
7.30pm
I did end up having a nap from 12.30 - 2.30pm. I didn't feel much better when I woke up. After spending hours cleaning, I am now shattered and I'm panicking that I haven't been able to start my teaching course assignment. I've also been in pain from my endometriosis which saps me of energy. B said he would clean the kitchen but he hasn't so I'll have to do that too. I have done the spare room, bedroom and bathroom. Will need to do the kitchen and living room tomorrow. Feeling completely fed up that I'm struggling for time with my course and B is just sat watching tv.
Dinner = Pot noodle (433 cals)
Alcohol = 2 shots gin, 2 shots blue caracao, pink grapefruit juice (395 cals)
Snack = Muller rice corner, flapjack and quavers (334 cals)
Total calories = 1634
Weight = 9st 2.4
BMI = 24.3
So today is a cleaning day. I've cleaned the rats and the bathroom so far but the rest of the flat is a tip. What was really great though was that I got up and started cleaning. Then without me even asking, B got up and started helping! This is a rare occurrence and it's made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside. Definitely takes away the stress of a cleaning day. I'm sat on the sofa now, having a break but I've suddenly gotten really tired, struggling to keep my eyes open so I will have to have a nap which is disappointing. It's such a waste of time. I am also VERY hungry today, just had a bacon sandwich and my stomach is still rumbling =(
Breakfast = Veggie bacon sandwich (472 cals)
7.30pm
I did end up having a nap from 12.30 - 2.30pm. I didn't feel much better when I woke up. After spending hours cleaning, I am now shattered and I'm panicking that I haven't been able to start my teaching course assignment. I've also been in pain from my endometriosis which saps me of energy. B said he would clean the kitchen but he hasn't so I'll have to do that too. I have done the spare room, bedroom and bathroom. Will need to do the kitchen and living room tomorrow. Feeling completely fed up that I'm struggling for time with my course and B is just sat watching tv.
Dinner = Pot noodle (433 cals)
Alcohol = 2 shots gin, 2 shots blue caracao, pink grapefruit juice (395 cals)
Snack = Muller rice corner, flapjack and quavers (334 cals)
Total calories = 1634
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