7.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supp, 1 x adios
12.30pm
Went to weigh in at a morning group this morning as the evening group won't be running for NYE. I lost 3 lbs but this may just be that I've weighed in the morning instead of the evening. I'm surprised as I'm bloated from endometriosis. I got about 3 hours sleep due to pain and I'm still in pain today but I've refused to take the strong painkillers. Looks like the food restriction may be working. Since I've only had one meal a day for the past 3-4 days, I'm going to have porridge for lunch today and have dinner later.
I had a dream last night that I was preparing to have a binge on food. I woke up panicking and then was relieved that I was still hungry and that it was only a dream.
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
136mg codeine
100mg tramadol
alcohol
So yeah - I relapsed and overdosed on codeine. It's now 1.30am and I'm about to take more as it hasn't had the affect I've wanted. But this is in response to the new start and new year resolutions of getting better and getting off the drugs. Last night of overdosing (i say over dosing but it's not to harm myself, it's just I've built up a tolerance). I will take 3 more codeine (90mg) and some more alcohol and then that will be it. 2016 means getting my shit together.
1.30am
90mg codeine
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Diet pills begin again
12.00pm
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supplement, 1 x adios, 1 x thermosurge, 1 x fat metaboliser
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
Found out a friends mum has been hospitalised with pneumonia and a heart attack just after christmas. How awful. I'm going to offer any help I can.
Feeling more well rested and relaxed now I'm at home. Going to watch Hannibal series 3, tv, films etc since storm Frank is here and the weather is awful. Can't wait to see M this evening - a breath of fresh air.
6.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Feeling veryyyyy shakey and jittery. Not sure why. Maybe something to do with the caffeine in the diet pills? But I took them 11 hours ago? Maybe codeine withdrawal? I don't know but it's making me feel awful and my endometriosis pain has flared up. Trying to combat it with heat at the moment, trying not to take anymore drugs for it.
Found out M may not be able to join us for new years eve =( I hope for my sake and hers that she's not made to work on new years day so she can come to stay.
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supplement, 1 x adios, 1 x thermosurge, 1 x fat metaboliser
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
Found out a friends mum has been hospitalised with pneumonia and a heart attack just after christmas. How awful. I'm going to offer any help I can.
Feeling more well rested and relaxed now I'm at home. Going to watch Hannibal series 3, tv, films etc since storm Frank is here and the weather is awful. Can't wait to see M this evening - a breath of fresh air.
6.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Feeling veryyyyy shakey and jittery. Not sure why. Maybe something to do with the caffeine in the diet pills? But I took them 11 hours ago? Maybe codeine withdrawal? I don't know but it's making me feel awful and my endometriosis pain has flared up. Trying to combat it with heat at the moment, trying not to take anymore drugs for it.
Found out M may not be able to join us for new years eve =( I hope for my sake and hers that she's not made to work on new years day so she can come to stay.
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
My niece gets engaged before I do??
9.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
10.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
20mg omeprazole
There's only 6 years between us but I've been with B 3 years longer. So me being me, automatically thinks there's something wrong with me. Then I think -
'Wait a minute, there is! My depression and endometriosis ruins everything, no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. He wants to give it time to see if I get better first. If I don't then I'm not a keeper.'
I'm happy for my niece, she's lovely and I love her dearly but her (now) fiance can be horrible to her. The other night I heard him calling her 'a fucking cunt'. There was a lot more that was said too in that kind of manner but I couldn't quite hear it.
I'm getting tired and grumpy. I've been averaging 400-600 cals a day for the past 3 days just to maintain control. I was going to have another bag of popcorn tonight at 64 cals and an apple but I don't want it after finding out my niece has got engaged. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that it makes me feel not good enough.
The lack of food is punishment for not being good enough. Hopefully, it'll start giving me that control to make me feel like I'm starting to be good enough.
On the other hand, I'm so glad to be home away from family. They were getting INCREDIBLY drunk every single night and I couldn't handle it anymore. After seeing a lifetime of what alcohol can do to a person and the family, it's made me realise I can't keep drinking like I do, even if it is secretly and doesn't affect anyone else. I had to stay away from them once they started drinking. They become self righteous after all the wrong they were doing and think their needs are so important while I sit silently suffering too.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
10.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
20mg omeprazole
There's only 6 years between us but I've been with B 3 years longer. So me being me, automatically thinks there's something wrong with me. Then I think -
'Wait a minute, there is! My depression and endometriosis ruins everything, no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. He wants to give it time to see if I get better first. If I don't then I'm not a keeper.'
I'm happy for my niece, she's lovely and I love her dearly but her (now) fiance can be horrible to her. The other night I heard him calling her 'a fucking cunt'. There was a lot more that was said too in that kind of manner but I couldn't quite hear it.
I'm getting tired and grumpy. I've been averaging 400-600 cals a day for the past 3 days just to maintain control. I was going to have another bag of popcorn tonight at 64 cals and an apple but I don't want it after finding out my niece has got engaged. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that it makes me feel not good enough.
The lack of food is punishment for not being good enough. Hopefully, it'll start giving me that control to make me feel like I'm starting to be good enough.
On the other hand, I'm so glad to be home away from family. They were getting INCREDIBLY drunk every single night and I couldn't handle it anymore. After seeing a lifetime of what alcohol can do to a person and the family, it's made me realise I can't keep drinking like I do, even if it is secretly and doesn't affect anyone else. I had to stay away from them once they started drinking. They become self righteous after all the wrong they were doing and think their needs are so important while I sit silently suffering too.
Monday, 28 December 2015
Getting obsessional
2.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
9.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
20mg Omeprazole
Dulcoease
7.10pm
When my depression spirals out of control, I get obsessional over things. At the moment it is food and my weight. I want people to see how vulnerable I am on the outside rather than feeling like I have this clandestine issue that no one knows about. Sounds attention seeking but if I don't make it apparent some how, I'm never going to get the support and help. New years resolution is to lose weight and hopefully get down to 7 stone. Everything else in my life is chaotic, so this is something to keep me on track and focused rather than thinking about all the crap.
The past 2 days I've had one meal a day. But the calories in the alcohol will have counteracted that so that's a fail. For new year, I also want to be getting myself off codeine and diazepam and only take it when absolutely essential. Will go tits up knowing me but I need to try.
11.30pm
Everyone is so incredibly drunk and I can't tolerate them. Everything is about them and I can't stand to be around them. They go on about wanting best for their kids but how is damaging your liver, causing an ugly death going to help the kids? It's all getting out of control and if they don't sort their shit out then I want no part of it. I know I have my own issues but at least I'm trying to do something about it.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
9.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
20mg Omeprazole
Dulcoease
7.10pm
When my depression spirals out of control, I get obsessional over things. At the moment it is food and my weight. I want people to see how vulnerable I am on the outside rather than feeling like I have this clandestine issue that no one knows about. Sounds attention seeking but if I don't make it apparent some how, I'm never going to get the support and help. New years resolution is to lose weight and hopefully get down to 7 stone. Everything else in my life is chaotic, so this is something to keep me on track and focused rather than thinking about all the crap.
The past 2 days I've had one meal a day. But the calories in the alcohol will have counteracted that so that's a fail. For new year, I also want to be getting myself off codeine and diazepam and only take it when absolutely essential. Will go tits up knowing me but I need to try.
11.30pm
Everyone is so incredibly drunk and I can't tolerate them. Everything is about them and I can't stand to be around them. They go on about wanting best for their kids but how is damaging your liver, causing an ugly death going to help the kids? It's all getting out of control and if they don't sort their shit out then I want no part of it. I know I have my own issues but at least I'm trying to do something about it.
Had enough of family
2.45am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol
3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone
I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....
Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol
3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone
I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....
Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.
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