Wish you were here Dad

9.50am


I keep thinking of writing 'Happy Birthday Dad' but it doesn't sound right. It's not a 'happy' birthday or even a birthday really as he won't turn a year older, just dead longer. I spent the morning crying and wishing so badly that I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday since he would have been on his way home from work. We would likely have had a BBQ this evening to make the most of the nice weather and I would have got him another year subscription to his favourite magazine. I always made the effort to make him a nice cake, something he's never reallt had in his life and I liked to make him feel special.


I've told people on my team at work that I would be finding today difficult via an email:

'It would have been Dad’s 66th birthday tomorrow so if I look blotchy faced and teary eyed, just ignore it. It’s just a difficult month to get through with his birthday, father’s day and anniversary.

Give me a kick if I’m away with the fairies.'

Their replies were:
'No problem, I quite understand about your dad...  I've been there so know how you feel!'
'You spelt kick wrong - it should be HUG!'
'I can't believe that its been a year! I am planning to work from home today so will send you positive vibes from here. Lots of love coming your way.'

I don't know what I've done for my colleagues to be so nice and supportive after I screwed them over by having 3 months off work for depression and not working to the best of my ability like I used to. I don't feel like I deserve it. And B has been supportive being there for me when I need hugs and telling me he loves me. On the down side, he's agreed to play cricket tonight so I won't see him all day - half a day alone with my thoughts, not good. I also have CBT which always screws with my head. Spent hours crying yesterday, cried this morning so I expect I'll be crying all evening today too. The only thing getting me through is codeine and I'm massively overdosing on it. The pharmacy screwed up my order. Instead of giving me 100 of the 8mg tablets, they gave me 100 of the 30mg tablets. I'm not going to go back and correct them.


I'm not sleeping very well and I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to be in bed.

Dad's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary

6.15pm
I'd appreciate if anyone reading this can comment below, even if it's just your initials. I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading my blog. Thanks.


I need to get this out in the open before I explode (or implode and internalise it all in my case).


I saw my consultant yesterday for my pre-op assessment before my surgery in July. It was a lot to take in but not stuff I didn't already know. Just having a professional say it to you turns it into reality and now I'm scared. The surgery is looming closer and I keep asking myself - what am I scared of? I think about it and I'm not scared of dying or having particular complications such as infection. What I'm scared of is the pain I will be in and not being given enough pain relief which happened last time. I'm scared that because I'm not as mobile or as healthy, I will slip into deep depression. I don't want to be in physical pain AND mental pain. And you may think 'Well you deal with endometriosis pain all the time'. Surgery pain is a completely different type of pain that I'm not used to and the consultant said this will exaggerate the pain, making it feel more painful. There's a slight chance I could end up with a stoma which is a concern in itself. And if endometriosis is affecting my lower bowel, this leads to huge complications and possible permament and irreversible damage to my digestive system. I hate that I can't move after the surgery without being in monumentous pain, and the lethargy and helplessness you feel from every movement feeling like a painful marathon. And I HAVE to keep moving about in order to recover faster. You don't move when you feel ready to, they force you to move about. I was crying and in agony last time and they were forcing me to walk around the ward. I will be in hospital for atleast one night for this procedure. I have spent a night in hospital before when I was 12 and it was the loneliest night of my entire life. I was in soooo much pain and the nurses refused to give me pain relief and then ignored me for the rest of the night, so I spent the night silently crying until morning. I'll never forget how I felt and I'm worried I'm going to feel like that again.


I'm at work doing overtime today to try and take my mind off things. Yesterday, on top of the information overload from nurses and consultants, I decided to visit A who is staying in the same hospital for her eating disorder. I went there at 12.30pm and was told it was lunchtime there and to come back at 1.45pm. So I went home and then went back to the hospital for a nurse to tell me that A doesn't want to see me and hasn't given a reason. Although I'm very proud of A for doing what's best for herself in order to get better, it still really stung and I left crying. I don't know if she's done it for her recovery or if I've done something wrong or if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. It was a huge feeling of rejection after all the help I've offered her. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied for 3 weeks now and I miss her so much and I miss the support we gave each other. But to reiterate, I don't blame her at all, she needs to do what she thinks is right to get better. I really want her better, she doesn't deserve this awful disease.


Moving on, tomorrow would have been dad's birthday. Then 11 days later is Father's Day and then 12 days after that is the first anniversary of his death and B's birthday. Within this will also be my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday. So all these days within 1 month is a lot to handle. I've been crying for the past hour because it's all too over-whelming. I was messaging B and M about stuff, to which they were replying but then when I send a message about how I'm feeling with all these things coming up, they don't reply. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't sure what to say. Although M is most likely driving at the moment.


There have been some positives though....
I spent 2 days and 2 nights with my lovely nephew and dog. He came to stay and he loves it. He really picked me up out of the depression but since he went home, I've been divebombing back down to the dark pits. The other positive is that I spoke to my consultant about the Decapetyl injections making me really depressed again and he agreed that I can skip the last injection.

Out of options

11.30am

I'm supposed to be at work today but I can't seem to drag myself out of the flat. I'm not functioning AT ALL. It's such a nice day outside and I can't make myself go out. I try to think of things to make myself feel better - codeine, watching tv, colouring, puzzles, sleeping - but I can't enjoy it or I can't focus on it. I've hit rock bottom again. I had a nice weekend as R came to stay and we hung out watching Netflix, then went to a BBQ and then went to lunch and the beach. It was really nice and I started to feel vaguely normal. But now the depression is back to the point where I'll be sobbing on the floor, unable to move. I've slipped back to comfort eating - Fatty, we meet again! The emotional pain is unbearable. I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to save me because I don't have the first clue on how to save myself.

Upside down and topsy turvy

9.30am


I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I don't feel as though I have much to say. I had a meltdown last night. Probably because I drank some alcohol. Definitely avoiding it from now on. It caused me to also binge on biscuits and crisps. I feel ashamed. I even smoked and I don't know why. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better and I was running out of options. B ended up dragging me to bed at 3am where I cried in his arms. He was amazing. He tried taking my mind off it with questions unrelated to my depression and held my hand. I wasn't expecting any of that and I don't think he's ever been quite that attentive during meltdown in the night. It made me feel even more ashamed and guilty for smoking and drinking.


Here I sit at work, very tired, no motivation and depressed as hell. I really don't feel as though I should be at work today. I'm tossing up whether to take a load of codeine just to get me through the day. I need something.

Decapeptyl continued

11.10am


I have been putting off writing on my blog for ages. I guess I don't want to face how I'm feeling and so much has happened. The worse thing about putting off the blog is that I end up with so much to write or forget half the things I wanted to talk about.


One of the first things that is having a huge affect on me is the dreaded Decapeptyl injections. For the first 2 weeks after, I thought I had gotten away with the side effect of severe depression but 2 weeks in, it reared it's ugly head and surely over time has been seeping it's claws further and further in. I'm constantly over sensitive, I feel as though I'm wasting my life right now as I do everything I can to avoid thinking about it such as sleeping and binge watching tv shows (to the point where I've subscribed to Netflix!). But it's necessary just to get through each day right now. I was making improvements before the injections and I feel as though people will be disappointed that I've slipped back to the bottom. I know I'm disappointed to say the least. B has been getting daily migraines so I'm having to do my best to look after him too. I feel so helpless as a lot of the time, there isn't much I can do other than give him emotional support when I can't even support myself. I can't keep up with keeping the flat clean because of the depression and B can't do much because of his migraines. I'm not in floods of tears on the floor about it all like I used to be. I'm responding differently this time in that I can't bring myself to do anything, I feel like a depressed zombie. I enjoy work when I can get my head into getting off my ass and doing my job. But when I struggle to do anything at work, it gets me down. My boss asked me to do something for him and then he criticized me for the work I produced. This really upset me since I'm super sensitive and this makes me feel so totally pathetic. However, B took me out for dinner that evening to cheer me up and despite not wanting to go, I forced myself and ended up enjoying it.


Before, I though B had made his mind up about moving away for work. After days of me bottling up how I felt, and of him being totally insensitive to this, we talked about the options. I was afraid it would turn into an argument which was that last thing I could cope with but luckily we had a conversation and things turned out OK. I told him that it would be the worse possible time to think about working away and after I explained why (depression treatment, Decapeptyl injections, endometriosis surgery, my neice having a baby, enjoying my job), he agreed. How he couldn't work this out for himself, I don't know. Since then, our relationship has gotten so much better, we enjoy being together and we're being more open with each other. Although there are things I am keeping to myself which I will discuss further on.


A huge change to my life is about to happen. My best friend M is moving 200 miles away. I'm devastated and massively struggling to adjust. I'm not going to go into my true feelings as M may read this but lets just say I feel as though my life has been turned upside down but that's my problem, not hers. She is doing what is best for her which I expect of her. Her happiness is what is important to me. I can't come to terms with it. *Holds back tears*


My other best friend A has gone inpatient to an eating disorders centre. She's not doing well at all according to her mum. A isn't allowed outside communication so I haven't been able to speak to her in a week. It's so hard to know she's really struggling and there is literally nothing I can do. And I can't stop thinking about needing help myself for my depression but only having the limited CBT now and again. Makes me feel like the illness I have or just me myself isn't worthy enough of help. A has this great opportunity for all the help she needs and 2 years on, I'm still struggling. It feels like I'm never going to get better and the future terrifies me.


So with all of this plus other niggly bits, I can't say I'm coping well at all. I just can't bring myself to care about my wellbeing and I'm in self-destruct mode. My codeine addiction has spiralled out of control as it's the only thing that get's me through the day and I'm starving myself to feel like I have control over something in my life. I'm going to have to discuss with my doctor at my next Decapeptyl injection appointment of whether I'm going to have it or not. I can't deal with feeling like this again for another 2-3 months.


And with all this, B has bought me an engagement ring in readiness for a proposal but who the f*** would want to spend the rest of their lives with me? I don't deserve to have someone commit to me when I can't even commit to myself. Two best friends abandoned me, another is moving 200 miles away, another lives an hour and a half away and another is in a hospital. After CBT taught me to rely on my friends, they seem to be disappearing and now I don't know how to cope without them. It's one big mess and I'm going to end up alone at this rate and I don't know how to make things better. It feels as though no one is taking my depression seriously at the moment because it's Decapeptyl induced and therefore will only be temporary. But right now it feels like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be months until I'm back to normal - and in which time I'll be trying to recover from surgery. Depression is eating away at me and I'm starting to feel like an empty shell.


1.00pm


I made this blog so my friends could see how I'm feeling and getting on but by looking at my page views for past posts, doesn't look like many bother reading it. Which seems pointless in me writing it. Where do I go from here?