Wish you were here Dad

9.50am


I keep thinking of writing 'Happy Birthday Dad' but it doesn't sound right. It's not a 'happy' birthday or even a birthday really as he won't turn a year older, just dead longer. I spent the morning crying and wishing so badly that I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday since he would have been on his way home from work. We would likely have had a BBQ this evening to make the most of the nice weather and I would have got him another year subscription to his favourite magazine. I always made the effort to make him a nice cake, something he's never reallt had in his life and I liked to make him feel special.


I've told people on my team at work that I would be finding today difficult via an email:

'It would have been Dad’s 66th birthday tomorrow so if I look blotchy faced and teary eyed, just ignore it. It’s just a difficult month to get through with his birthday, father’s day and anniversary.

Give me a kick if I’m away with the fairies.'

Their replies were:
'No problem, I quite understand about your dad...  I've been there so know how you feel!'
'You spelt kick wrong - it should be HUG!'
'I can't believe that its been a year! I am planning to work from home today so will send you positive vibes from here. Lots of love coming your way.'

I don't know what I've done for my colleagues to be so nice and supportive after I screwed them over by having 3 months off work for depression and not working to the best of my ability like I used to. I don't feel like I deserve it. And B has been supportive being there for me when I need hugs and telling me he loves me. On the down side, he's agreed to play cricket tonight so I won't see him all day - half a day alone with my thoughts, not good. I also have CBT which always screws with my head. Spent hours crying yesterday, cried this morning so I expect I'll be crying all evening today too. The only thing getting me through is codeine and I'm massively overdosing on it. The pharmacy screwed up my order. Instead of giving me 100 of the 8mg tablets, they gave me 100 of the 30mg tablets. I'm not going to go back and correct them.


I'm not sleeping very well and I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to be in bed.

Dad's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary

6.15pm
I'd appreciate if anyone reading this can comment below, even if it's just your initials. I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading my blog. Thanks.


I need to get this out in the open before I explode (or implode and internalise it all in my case).


I saw my consultant yesterday for my pre-op assessment before my surgery in July. It was a lot to take in but not stuff I didn't already know. Just having a professional say it to you turns it into reality and now I'm scared. The surgery is looming closer and I keep asking myself - what am I scared of? I think about it and I'm not scared of dying or having particular complications such as infection. What I'm scared of is the pain I will be in and not being given enough pain relief which happened last time. I'm scared that because I'm not as mobile or as healthy, I will slip into deep depression. I don't want to be in physical pain AND mental pain. And you may think 'Well you deal with endometriosis pain all the time'. Surgery pain is a completely different type of pain that I'm not used to and the consultant said this will exaggerate the pain, making it feel more painful. There's a slight chance I could end up with a stoma which is a concern in itself. And if endometriosis is affecting my lower bowel, this leads to huge complications and possible permament and irreversible damage to my digestive system. I hate that I can't move after the surgery without being in monumentous pain, and the lethargy and helplessness you feel from every movement feeling like a painful marathon. And I HAVE to keep moving about in order to recover faster. You don't move when you feel ready to, they force you to move about. I was crying and in agony last time and they were forcing me to walk around the ward. I will be in hospital for atleast one night for this procedure. I have spent a night in hospital before when I was 12 and it was the loneliest night of my entire life. I was in soooo much pain and the nurses refused to give me pain relief and then ignored me for the rest of the night, so I spent the night silently crying until morning. I'll never forget how I felt and I'm worried I'm going to feel like that again.


I'm at work doing overtime today to try and take my mind off things. Yesterday, on top of the information overload from nurses and consultants, I decided to visit A who is staying in the same hospital for her eating disorder. I went there at 12.30pm and was told it was lunchtime there and to come back at 1.45pm. So I went home and then went back to the hospital for a nurse to tell me that A doesn't want to see me and hasn't given a reason. Although I'm very proud of A for doing what's best for herself in order to get better, it still really stung and I left crying. I don't know if she's done it for her recovery or if I've done something wrong or if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. It was a huge feeling of rejection after all the help I've offered her. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied for 3 weeks now and I miss her so much and I miss the support we gave each other. But to reiterate, I don't blame her at all, she needs to do what she thinks is right to get better. I really want her better, she doesn't deserve this awful disease.


Moving on, tomorrow would have been dad's birthday. Then 11 days later is Father's Day and then 12 days after that is the first anniversary of his death and B's birthday. Within this will also be my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday. So all these days within 1 month is a lot to handle. I've been crying for the past hour because it's all too over-whelming. I was messaging B and M about stuff, to which they were replying but then when I send a message about how I'm feeling with all these things coming up, they don't reply. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't sure what to say. Although M is most likely driving at the moment.


There have been some positives though....
I spent 2 days and 2 nights with my lovely nephew and dog. He came to stay and he loves it. He really picked me up out of the depression but since he went home, I've been divebombing back down to the dark pits. The other positive is that I spoke to my consultant about the Decapetyl injections making me really depressed again and he agreed that I can skip the last injection.