NYE

7.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supp, 1 x adios

12.30pm

Went to weigh in at a morning group this morning as the evening group won't be running for NYE. I lost 3 lbs but this may just be that I've weighed in the morning instead of the evening. I'm surprised as I'm bloated from endometriosis. I got about 3 hours sleep due to pain and I'm still in pain today but I've refused to take the strong painkillers. Looks like the food restriction may be working. Since I've only had one meal a day for the past 3-4 days, I'm going to have porridge for lunch today and have dinner later. 

I had a dream last night that I was preparing to have a binge on food. I woke up panicking and then was relieved that I was still hungry and that it was only a dream. 

11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
136mg codeine
100mg tramadol
alcohol

So yeah - I relapsed and overdosed on codeine. It's now 1.30am and I'm about to take more as it hasn't had the affect I've wanted. But this is in response to the new start and new year resolutions of getting better and getting off the drugs. Last night of overdosing (i say over dosing but it's not to harm myself, it's just I've built up a tolerance). I will take 3 more codeine (90mg) and some more alcohol and then that will be it. 2016 means getting my shit together. 

1.30am 
90mg codeine

Diet pills begin again

12.00pm
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supplement, 1 x adios, 1 x thermosurge, 1 x fat metaboliser
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed

Found out a friends mum has been hospitalised with pneumonia and a heart attack just after christmas. How awful. I'm going to offer any help I can.

Feeling more well rested and relaxed now I'm at home. Going to watch Hannibal series 3, tv, films etc since storm Frank is here and the weather is awful. Can't wait to see M this evening - a breath of fresh air.

6.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine

11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine

Feeling veryyyyy shakey and jittery. Not sure why. Maybe something to do with the caffeine in the diet pills? But I took them 11 hours ago? Maybe codeine withdrawal? I don't know but it's making me feel awful and my endometriosis pain has flared up. Trying to combat it with heat at the moment, trying not to take anymore drugs for it.

Found out M may not be able to join us for new years eve =( I hope for my sake and hers that she's not made to work on new years day so she can come to stay.

My niece gets engaged before I do??

9.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed

10.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
20mg omeprazole

There's only 6 years between us but I've been with B 3 years longer. So me being me, automatically thinks there's something wrong with me. Then I think -

'Wait a minute, there is! My depression and endometriosis ruins everything, no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. He wants to give it time to see if I get better first. If I don't then I'm not a keeper.'

I'm happy for my niece, she's lovely and I love her dearly but her (now) fiance can be horrible to her. The other night I heard him calling her 'a fucking cunt'. There was a lot more that was said too in that kind of manner but I couldn't quite hear it.

I'm getting tired and grumpy. I've been averaging 400-600 cals a day for the past 3 days just to maintain control. I was going to have another bag of popcorn tonight at 64 cals and an apple but I don't want it after finding out my niece has got engaged. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that it makes me feel not good enough.

The lack of food is punishment for not being good enough. Hopefully, it'll start giving me that control to make me feel like I'm starting to be good enough.

On the other hand, I'm so glad to be home away from family. They were getting INCREDIBLY drunk every single night and I couldn't handle it anymore. After seeing a lifetime of what alcohol can do to a person and the family, it's made me realise I can't keep drinking like I do, even if it is secretly and doesn't affect anyone else. I had to stay away from them once they started drinking. They become self righteous after all the wrong they were doing and think their needs are so important while I sit silently suffering too.

Getting obsessional

2.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed

9.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
20mg Omeprazole
Dulcoease

7.10pm

When my depression spirals out of control, I get obsessional over things. At the moment it is food and my weight. I want people to see how vulnerable I am on the outside rather than feeling like I have this clandestine issue that no one knows about. Sounds attention seeking but if I don't make it apparent some how, I'm never going to get the support and help. New years resolution is to lose weight and hopefully get down to 7 stone. Everything else in my life is chaotic, so this is something to keep me on track and focused rather than thinking about all the crap. 

The past 2 days I've had one meal a day. But the calories in the alcohol will have counteracted that so that's a fail. For new year, I also want to be getting myself off codeine and diazepam and only take it when absolutely essential. Will go tits up knowing me but I need to try. 

11.30pm

Everyone is so incredibly drunk and I can't tolerate them. Everything is about them and I can't stand to be around them. They go on about wanting best for their kids but how is damaging your liver, causing an ugly death going to help the kids? It's all getting out of control and if they don't sort their shit out then I want no part of it. I know I have my own issues but at least I'm trying to do something about it.

Had enough of family

2.45am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol

3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone

I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....

Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.

I hate christmas

12.00pm 
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed

4.30pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed

12.10pm

Since what happened at christmas, I have been getting more and more depressed and isolating myself more and more. I am sick of the whole family constantly drinking themselves into oblivion everyday and turn into these selfish monsters. I try to stay out of the way but then they talk behind my back saying that they're worried about me. But they don't do anything to help. I just want some peace and quiet but there is just constant screaming and shouting from people playing games, which is great for them but I'm tired and ill and just want to relax. Been trying to drown it out with my earphones but people keep disturbing me. 

The only control I have at the moment is food. I'm ill so don't feel much like eating but I feel nauseous from lack of food. I'm sick of being at the lodge now, I just want to go home. Even the dog isn't liking it and mum doesn't seem to be overly enjoying it. Everything is all about the rest of the family. I suggest a game, they say they want to play but then we'll get towards the end and start doing stuff they want to do to ruin the game and so I'll sit there patiently waiting to continue the game. I just have to give up and go watch a movie on my laptop or something. 

The alcohol drinking and selfishness astounds me in this family. It never ends. 

8.00pm

Mum made me eat. I feel like I've been stripped of control. My new years resolution is to save as much money as possible - another form of control. I've offered to help mum moving house but I'm in no fit state to do that. I don't know how to tell her. And if I don't lose 1.5lbs by Thursday, then I'm going to be really pissed off and upset. Part of me is thinking of leaving Ben, just to save him from all this hardship. He's finding things extremely difficult after leaving his job and I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough. I'm hell bent on getting some sort of control to help this depression go away. It's too much. I need to keep track of what medication I'm taking as it's getting out of control.

Christmas is ruined

4.45am

So my niece and her boyfriend S came to the lodge today for christmas. Mum previously said that S annoys her because he doesn't 'shut up'. After a few hours of him being here and making an effort for everyone to like him, mum came out of her room and says in a malicious way: 'Can't you just keep the noise down! There's a little boy (my nephew) in there trying to sleep!'

Rather than her saying it in such a way that was gently asking people to be quieter, she said it down right maliciously. We were all shell shocked. It soon became apparent that she was trying to get to sleep but none of us knew as we were under the impression from her that she was watching tv in her room. My niece tried to knock on the door to try and sort things out but mum locked it. Then I got everyone to go outside to talk so it wouldn't disturb mum. And I took the dog for a 10 minute walk to cool off.

By the time I came back, there was a full blown argument between everyone. Mum wanted to call a taxi to get home which is over 100 miles away. I took her to the local town and paid for her to stay a night in a hotel, which she then refused to stay in. So this resulted in her coming back and staying in her room. I asked her to stay for my nephew to open his presents and then I'll drive her home and then drive myself home where I will be spending christmas alone in my flat. If mum's not happy, she has to ruin it for everyone else. I feel physically sick. Mum's snoring away, she only went to bed 10 minutes ago.

Christmas is ruined because of mum selfishness.....well that was predictable.

Merry christmas everyone.

P.S. My laptop screen got broken in the process of all this - fucking fantastic.

Positivity through negativity

11.30pm

I've just had a lovely evening with M. Enjoyed her company as usual. Overall, I've had a good week, socialising and mingling with colleagues and friends. Usually I wouldn't have coped with this but I have and that's a break through.

However, I still feel the need to take codeine as a release and to starve myself to make myself feel better after all the food I have been eating. Doesn't help that my gastric reflux has reared it's ugly head the past few days. Not as bad though. I'm back on the slimming world diet plan which makes me feel more in control. I have seen colleagues at christmas parties and they haven't been judgemental after being signed off work. I feel slightly more secure in that I can take off the time that I need to.

I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to christmas as Dad won't be there and I've been dreaming about him a lot recently but I not thinking of it negatively. Just need to remember I'm there for my nephew and some quality family time. I'm not sure my christmas' will ever be the same now. But that's life and I have to accept it.

I know I'm not going to sleep well tonight so will take a sleeping tablet. Instead of fighting the depression now, I'm riding with it, taking the medication before I have a meltdown.

P.S. One of the rats is shoving as many rat biscuits in his mouth as he can and distributing them into their sleeping place. Very funny. I think he think's he's a hamster. He's fat and lazy so I'm assuming it'll be so he doesn't have to get out of bed for a midnight snack.

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas....

8.30pm

Tuesday - Meal out with a friend
Wednesday - work christmas meal
Thursday - Slimming World christmas meal
Friday - Work christmas lunch followed by a close colleague/friend social gathering with gift exchanges.

Although we have no christmas decorations in the flat, I have hung the cards up and after all the festivities recently, I'm starting to feel more festive. I've been using CBT techniques to try and remain positive. I've enjoyed the busy week even though usually I would have dreaded it.

I have a wedding to go to tomorrow evening. I've eaten so much today, I'm determined to spend the rest of the week focussing on the weightloss and I'm aiming for 1.5lbs to reach 1 stone.

Disappointed weightloss

12.05am

I went to slimming world tonight and after losing 0.5lbs, I am really disappointed after my best friend lost 3 lbs after eating a lot this week. I know she has more to lose and I don't blame her at all but I feel disappointed after I didn't eat all day to try and see a bigger difference on the scale. It's not surprising after the all the christmas meal's out but I would have expected a bit of a different change. 

On the other hand, my CBT therapist has decided that I've improved enough over the past couple of weeks that I can carry on with CBT with another therapist while she goes on maternity leave. It's not her fault she's leaving but I feel disappointed as now I have to give my story to another therapist and go through the process of trust and adjusting again in therapy. I'm more disappointed in that I'm losing a good therapist that was good for me. 

After the family dispute, we seem to be going to The Lodge for christmas now but I have a feeling that after a few drinks which my mum and sister seem to enjoy every night, there will be a dispute while we're there. I'm really worried about this and it plays on my mind everyday. I've asked for my sister's help with my mental health but she hasn't given it. I feel let down and disappointed. Mum, on the other hand, has been wonderful and really stepped up to the mothering role. I've never had this experience before so it moved me to tears. This is the first time where I feel like the child that is supported rather than being the one that has supported my mum. 

I'm hoping to soon start seeing my best friend twice a week and she feels like therapy to me. But I don't want her feeling used. I worry I'm putting too much pressure on her. And R has been incredibly supportive which I didn't expect. He's warmed my heart in a way and restored my faith in humanity a little. M has just been there constantly. I lucky to have these two. And I'm lucky to have B although he has been severely testing my patience recently. I feel like I've been going out of my way to help him such as getting up at 6.30am to run his bath and help him get ready for work but then doing a couple of small things I asked of him were too much and didn't do it. One of which he said he forgot so will give him the benefit of the doubt. Generally, even though he's been there now and again, I don't feel like I've been given the support I need. But I understand he has his own problems that he's wrapped up in and I help where I can. But with his memory, he forgets everything I do for him and thinks I don't do much as a result, whereas I've put myself out so much that I feel miserable. This is hard to convey to my best friends as they aren't here to see it. I've done the entire christmas shopping AGAIN this year. But I've refused to do his family again. I've left that to him and he hasn't started. I worry that they will think little of me because I haven't ensured it's been done. But I need to give him SOME sort of responsibility. 

My lovely rats are keeping my spirits up when they're awake. They sleep so much! Too much in my opinion =P Unfortunately, because I've been feeding them too many treats, they've become a bit fat so I have to limit their diet, therefore, they are less interested in me. Such are animals but I love them. It's one thing I am selfish about, I need them in my life to help me function. 

I'm trying to establish a routine now I'm off work since work provided the routine before. It has gone OK the past couple nights but tonight has gone out the window since I'm writing the blog to get everything out of my system. I've done well the past couple of days and it's made a difference. I've made more progress and slowly started cleaning the flat, paying bills and chores since it is all down to me. B would rather sit at his laptop or xbox and get drunk than help me out. I can understand this because he works long days but the odd 30 mins here and there would help a lot. He's been really difficult recently, challenging everything I say. Bottling things up causes my depression but if I express my emotions to B, it's a constant battle so I have to bottle it all. I will give it until New Year and hope things change. I feel really lonely when it comes to B, but I don't want to put pressure on him.

12.50am

I'm starting to feel panicky so I'm going to take 10mg Diazepam and hope for the best. It's usually having a good night and forgetting reality that triggers the panicky feeling. But the more good nights I have, hopefully the less panicky I will feel afterwards. The reason for this is that every time I went out to the local park or went to a party as a teenager, EVERY SINGLE TIME I went home, there would be insane domestic violence between my parents. Before, I saw it as bad luck that everytime I was happy, there was a balance and that I had to be unhappy in some way and this would happen. But now I realise it was probably because me not being in the house meant that my parents felt free to be as violent as they wanted to be. But for years I felt like I had deserved it. I felt like I deserved to be unhappy and this is why it was happening. Everytime I had a good time, to balance it out, I had to be depressed. At this moment in time, it's very hard to come to terms with as I believed this for so many years. 

Right now, I don't feel worthy to be loved. But I have to let my CBT kick in and realise it's just circumstance. Times are hard at times and sometimes it's not my fault. I just fear that CBT will be drilled in to me so much that I may not be able to admit blame that is mine and say sorry. CBT can only do so much. I need B and my best friends there to fill in the other 167 hours of the week. And as most of my melt downs happen after 11pm, everyone is in bed and aren't awake when I need them most. But I do appreciate this as they have their own lives to lead. So last week I took it upon myself to ring the CRISIS team. But their response was 'I don't know what else to suggest'. This didn't help. 

I still feel so incredibly alone because what I'm going through isn't what anyone else is experiencing. I don't blame them in any way at all. But I just want to feel normal. I went for dinner with L on Tuesday and she was a massive help. She's knows exactly what I'm going through and gave me some advice. For the first time (after talking about my feelings), I came away feeling better, rather than wishing I could crawl under a rock. Thank you L! Your words keep resounding in my head. I appreciate it more than you know. And I hope this gives you an ego boost. You deserve it <3 

If you're a dog lover, watch this. It cheered me up

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3327352/Hilarious-pictures-dogs-no-concept-personal-space.html 

2.45am

I can't believe it's this time and I'm sat watching Justin Bieber complete a rubik's cube with James Corden in a car while listening to his own records.....bizarre. What has my life come to??? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx06c0ZEBMk 

3.30am

It's 3.30am and I feel depressed and alone with no one to talk to. I've taken 10mg diazepam which has kicked in but not helped. I feel really tearful and no one can help. This is constantly my life right now. I'm fed up of it.

A lot to say

2.00am

So I have a lot to say at 2am and what better time to tell it all when I've had 4 shots of spirits in the space of 1-2 hours which is a lot for me. Time for honesty I guess. 

So much has been going on in the past 24 hours but I will summarise it the best I can. So yesterday I mentioned about the whole 'Lodge' issue with my mum not coping with the cat coming too. Tonight it escalated to my sister being pissed (both emotionally and with alcohol) and saying some awful things to me and mum (when it's not even my fault). I felt incredibly hurt by that and by the situation in that it leads to mum spending christmas on her own and me spending christmas on my own in my flat 40 miles away from mum. The reason for this is that I cannot bear to spend christmas in the same room that dad died in. I'd rather spend christmas alone (my boyfriend B is going to spend christmas with his family). 

I've just lost of track of where I was going with this as the rats just spilt the contents of B's glass of red wine all over the floor of a carpet we'll end up having to pay for to the landlord. B should know better that to leave a glass of wine on the windowsill. 

Anyway.... My sister has been acting like a complete child saying:

 'For suck sake, this is absolutely pathetic. I cannot believe it has come to this. Right, we will leave cat at home and pick So and Si (my neice and her boyfriend) up and that way we can feed the cat. The dog is fine and the cat (the insignificant one) will have to make do. Happy Christmas one and all. The season of goodwill!!!'

She is unwilling to see anyone else's point of view. It's not that mum just doesn't want the cat there, it's just that it has a horrible psychological effect on mum as the dog is constantly wanting to eat the cat and it puts mum on edge. Therefore she will not be able to enjoy christmas. I'm in no way saying the cat should stay at home, I'm all for the cat coming but Mum and my sister hadn't even discussed to come to some compromise as they're not considerate to anyone else. They're so similar in that respect but they themselves cannot see it as they are too stubborn. It breaks my heart. I spend my entire life trying to make everyone else happy but all the rest of the family do is do what's best for themselves. I'm unable to do that and it saddens me to the core as all my effort on others is wasted. What's the point in me living if no one appreciates that I try my best for everyone else and the reason I'm battling severe depression now is because I never put myself first. But if I do put myself first then I run the risk of losing family. 

It doesn't help that on wednesday, I found out that next week is my last week of CBT as my therapist is going on maternity leave. My options now are being transferred to the Psychological Assessment Team who are unlikely to decide I would benefit from a different form of treatment (in which case I will be on a waiting list of a year) or to carry on CBT with another therapist and go over everything I have spent 12 weeks going over with my current therapist, wait for CBT in the future and start from scratch or try depression counselling. I feel completely lost. CBT was just starting to help in the last couple of weeks and now it's been put all up in the air and I have no idea what's going to happen. I can't stop therapy as I will relapse and I have told my therapist this. I feel so let down that I'm seriously considering ending my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I barely eat or binge eat, I can't work, I'm struggling to hold down a relationship. I wish I was dead. This pain is too much to handle, even after 4 shots and 20mg diazepam. I feel like doing something stupid. I feel completely broken. 

However, I have to give credit to B who has provided a hug when needed but he's been working so hard, I barely see him as he's sleeping alot. R has been amazing even though he's 120 miles away. He's provided as much support as he can. And M has been fantastic, she's my voice of reason. But still now, at 2.30am, I feel so lonely as there is no one to talk to, I'm having a massive break down and want to end my life.

I'm sick of living this way. Something needs to change. I've put others first so much but not been put first myself very often. Maybe I should put myself first and do what I want to do and end my life. I've had enough. I don't want to live anymore.

3.45am

I rang the CRISIS team as I couldn't cope. They couldn't offer much help. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. M and B are next door but I can't bear to wake them. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I fucking hate my life. I want to feel numb but I have nothing to make me feel that way. Can anyone help me with that?

9.25pm

I'm still as depressed, spent another half the day crying. Had 3 hours sleep so went back to bed this afternoon. I'm so tired of life. I feel the impulsive need to get control back. So I've started controlling my food intake again. Yesterday I binged and ended up at nearly 2000 calories. Today, just 700. And I have promised myself that I will exercise more. Lots of walking tomorrow with shopping and I'm going to go climbing on Monday. I'm really excited to be spending the day with my best friend R. I'm hoping it will distract me from the reality of everything. Yesterday's situation isn't really better. My sister is still making things extremely difficult and still hates me for it when it's not my fault. It's mum that doesn't want the cat there, not me. But she needs to be angry at everyone else to make herself feel better I guess. Mum has been really supportive and said she'll give in to the cat being there for the sake of the family but my sister is still making a huge problem out of it. It's all gotten out of hand because 2 adults threw their toys out the pram. Food is all I have control over now. It's not a weight issue, it's a control issue. Everything revolves around Jo, she doesn't care how I feel so maybe if she see's how depressed I am via weightloss, she may give a damn. 

Christmas is ruined

12.10am

Last year, my family and myself spent a week in a rented lodge over christmas. Everyone was the happiest I had ever seen them and we made such amazing memories. It was the happiest I had seen dad in a long time and so I have fond memories of being there with dad for my last christmas with him. So this year the lodge has been booked again (was booked before dad died and he was so looking forward to going). Unfortunately he won't be with us this year but I was comforted by the fact we were going back to somewhere where we had such amazing memories.

Mum has ruined all of that now. She sent a text to say that my sister is bringing her cat for christmas. The dog and the cat don't get along and it severely annoys mum to the point where she cannot cope with it. So now she is refusing to go to the lodge. So we're at home for christmas in the same room where dad died, rather than spending it at the lodge where we have so many good memories.

I feel so disheartened. I'd rather spend christmas alone than not be at the lodge. I am in floods of tears, I am so upset. I suffer with severe anxiety but I'm not selfish enough to let it get in the way of other people. Everything is always about mum.

The situation could easily be resolved by my sister agreeing to leave the cat at home. When I expressed my concerns about Skye being looked after properly, my sister agreed with mum in that Skye is 'just a dog' and has no rights. But she'll be to stubborn to allow her opinion that Tilly is 'just a cat' who will be fine on her own for a week with plenty of food and water put out for her, plus she has a cat flap. It all rides on whether my sister is going to be her stubborn self or try to help out the family. I can see this will be causing a family rift which I really don't need at this time of year. She'll complain that if my rats and the dog is there, it is unfair to exclude the cat. But the dog and the rats get along, but the cat gets along with neither the dog or the rats. I hope my sister makes the right choice for the family. If not, I'm spending christmas on my own. And if no one else is going, me, Skye and the rats will stay in the lodge on our own for christmas.

I shouldn't have to be this upset over christmas when it's going to be hard enough as it is. I seriously feel like self harming (which I know is stupid and seems attention seeking) but I don't know what other release there is. I've already taken 15mg diazepam over the space of 6 hours and a sleeping tablet that has not yet kicked in. I'm hurting so much, I need a hug and there's no one around to hug and give a shoulder to cry on.

3.30am

It's 3.30am and I'm still not asleep. I feel like such a failure that I fail to keep a routine in my life to get through chores. Instead, I will be asleep until at least 12pm, wasting a huge portion of the day. I'm sick of living like this. I need routine and normality.

Feeling fat

11.40pm

I mentioned before that I went through a phase of starving myself as a form of control and to lose weight. My depression is getting worse and with that, my control over food usually ensues. I feel so fat, I'm restricting the amount of food I'm eating and finding it relatively easy to distract myself from hunger. I need to be thinner. I don't want to be anorexic or emaciated and I don't have an eating disorder but it's still self destructive behaviour. But I need to hold on to the weightloss. I need to hold on to something. 

When I get like this, I go on to the 'myproana' website alot. It's designed to be a forum of support for eating disorders but it helps fuel my thinking that I'm too fat and need to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

It also fuels my anxiety. At the moment, I worry about everything. The hardest thing with depression, anxiety and endometriosis is that it's very unpredictable and if you have something planned, it may be that I don't feel up to doing it and have to force myself. This heightens the anxiety further. Like this weekend, I have committed to seeing my friend in a different city but I don't know how bad I will be feeling that day even if I'm looking forward to it now. If I don't feel up to something that is planned, I force myself to do it because I don't want to let people down. This gets me down and then I don't enjoy it but put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine. 

I want to be able to feel comfortable having plans and not worry about if I'll be in pain or feeling depressed. No one knows how difficult this makes my life. I feel trapped in this cycle. I can't look forward to anything because I worry about it. One exception to this is going to the Lodge for christmas. Only 2 weeks to go.

Meltdowns - PLEASE READ

12.50am

So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):

• I feel that all control over my life is lost.
• I'd rather die than live with this pain (hence I don't think twice about taking all these drugs and alcohol).
• The last time I saw dad alive was on Father's Day, when we had an altercation over something unreasonable he said.
• My heart and the pit of my stomach feel pain, but it's not physical. It feels like it wants to be ripped out.
• I feel hopeless and helpless. No one can help me and there's no hope of a better life. It sounds materialistic but money makes life easier. I don't have that. I don't want to be rich, I just want to live comfortably. Dad wanted that for me. If he had lived a month longer, I would have had a £10000 pay out. I would be living comfortably with a mortgage. I don't blame him in the slightest for that though, It was just misfortune.
• Dad was very supportive of all the things in my life that he thought were positive. Although I had a very abusive childhood from him due to alcohol, I couldn't fault him as a father in the past few years that he was alive. He made up for all the bad things that happened. I couldn't fault him apart from that last Father's Day. I feel I was robbed of that Father-Daughter relationship that I had never had before the few years prior to his death. At 25, I was too young to have lost my father who finally stepped up to how I thought a father should be.
• He wasn't boring. He was such a character that even his cardiac nurse decided to make a case study on him. He's not an ordinary man that is easy to forget. Yes, he moaned all the time about things that he had no control over (so to me seemed like a waste of breath) but they were important to him so I always took the time to listen. 
• In the past few years, I went from resenting him to loving him dearly. I loved him dearly for such a short time and then it was stripped from me. I did everything I could for him in his last couple of years but it wasn't enough. He died on the phone to me and I couldn't even recognise that. Even though it is very unlikely, I still feel like there was a chance I could have saved him.
• The complexity of all this is difficult for someone like me who may not be academically intelligent but socially intelligent. I am extremely good at reading people. I was the toddler cowering in the corner, waiting for something to happen while the domestic abuse happened every single night of my life until I left home. As my counsellor called me.....'the little professor'. It's why I'm so reserved and great at picking my friends. I judge what everyone does. Now I realise it's to judge whether I am likely to be hurt by it. I've been deeply hurt by Ryan and Charlotte but I knew that would come. Doesn't make it hurt any less. For those I call my best friends now, in particular B, R and M, you are lucky to survive my choosing of friends, I don't take it lightly after all the hurt I've been though in my life; Domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, violence, verbal abuse, mental abuse - every single day of my life. Inescapable. No one to turn to. My best friends didn't even know. The first person I told was my first boyfriend Ryan at 16 years old. He made me feel like I was over-reacting. Easy to say when he grew up in the 'perfect' middle class, stable parent household. It made me feel worthless, just like I do now. I even got bullied for being 'miserable' by my best friends at 14 years old even though I was suffering from depression (not that I was going to tell them). They had no idea what I was going through every day of my entire life and they made my life even more miserable. I ended up having to change friends group but that didn't stop them.

Looking at my past and present, I see nothing worth living for. I have spent my whole life trying to give to other people, make their lives better but what is there for me? I really appreciate all my friends do for me but sometimes when I'm alone, it doesn't feel enough, and that makes me feel attention seeking. It's not their fault they can't be there 24/7 to give me the hug and the shoulder to cry on when I've hit the bottomless pit of depression. 

I feel as though depression is something brought from hell and therefore all that is left for me is hell. I do my best for everyone around me but it's not good enough. I NEED STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET IT! There isn't the funding for resources out there that I need, CBT is helping a little and my therapist is much better than the last one by taking a more gentle approach and explaining things in detail.

The thing is, I don't even know if having my friends rallying around me will help. I feel so selfish being wrapped up in myself. But putting everyone else first all the time has put me in this position. What am I supposed to do? Be selfish (which I fucking hate) or make time for others which creates satisfaction for me but doesn't help me long term.

My problem is that I'm too giving. My counsellor said it was because I was always trying to win my parents affection so that they wouldn't have an alcohol fueled domestic argument and fight that night (in which at 6 years old, would have to get involved when the knives were pulled out).

I feel completely lost on this planet. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Even with regards to my loved ones, They'd be better off without me.

I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.

THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG OF MY MELTDOWNS. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS THAT LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING.

Friends make the world go around

11.30am

Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.

I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.

But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.

I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.

Withdrawal.....again

11.30am

Opiate withdrawal sucks. I can have anything up to 500mg codeine a day and I've had about 130mg since Tuesday (around 45mg a day). I'm trying to taper myself off but I'm still withdrawing. I am so tired today from insomnia last night. I don't feel like doing anything today but I have the responsibility of walking the dog and getting the shopping. I just feel completely drained.

I have next week off sick and I'm going to get the following week (last week of term) off too. But that means I miss out on 2 work christmas meals. Kind of feel like it's discrimination because if I had a broken leg, they would allow me to come along but because it's mental health, they won't let me.

I'm thinking the medications may have damaged my liver or gall bladder as I get daily pain in that area and the doctor indicated I could have something wrong with my gall bladder after the acid reflux.

I had my appointment yesterday with the consultant about my endometriosis surgery. I have to have hormone blocker injections for 3 months before so it's going to worsen my depression for that time. I'm gutted. All this hard work I'm putting in now may be for nothing when I go back down hill in those 3 months. And then after that, I have to recover from surgery, possibly a bowel resection and if I'm unlucky, I will have to have a stoma fitted. I have a creepy consultant too, he keeps staring at my chest so I zipped my fleece up to my neck. Turns out, he's the one doing the surgery. I'll be naked and I can just see him taking a sneaky peek under the operating cloth. Not only that, he'll have access to my downstairs region! Every time I sit in the waiting room to see the consultant, everyone is always there with their partners. I'm always sat alone and it makes me feel lonely. People look at me as if they feel sorry for me because they think I'm pregnant with no father around or that I got pregnant from a one night stand. (The waiting room is also for prenatal women).

Slow start

1.45pm

I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.

Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.

Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.

So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.

I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.

Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.

3.20pm

I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it. 

Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.

10.15pm

I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.

I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.

I don't know how much more I can take. 

Making decisions

10.30am

I haven't blogged in ages because I have been so busy and feeling so down trodden. The depression has hit an all time low to the point where my CBT therapist and family are very concerned. And they don't even know everything that I'm feeling but I couldn't stop crying and beating myself up about things that weren't even my fault. I have had to up my dose of Diazepam at times just to get through difficult times.

Sunday night I ended up in hospital due to stress related gastric-oesophageal reflux and I lost 4.5lbs this week as a result. It also led me to take most of the week off work too. I am feeling so incredibly guilty about taking the time off but I know that if I continue to work through the illnesses and depression, there is no hope of being able to get better. This has led me to make the conscious decision to take next week off work and possibly the week after too. This leads to repercussions on my team at work which I feel awful about and makes me more depressed. But I am going to use the week to catch up on my teaching course, spend time with my beloved border collie and hopefully start enjoying life and working through my demons. I need to learn to take the pressure off myself and stop worrying about everyone else.

Yesterday was the tree planting for dads grave at the woodland burial site. It was hard, especially with all the family there but my best friend made an appearance which was really supportive. 

Slimming World has been going great. I really enjoy it and look forward to it each week. 

The weather is getting me down. I want to be able to go out and enjoy walks but its not great when it's blowing a gale and raining most of the time. 

Just a short one

Life is so hectic and busy right now that I want to scream. But I just want to say that I am so lucky to have my best friend in my life. I love her so much and she's a light that shines through my darkness.

It's been a while

7.15am

It's been a while since my last blog - a whole week. My last post was trying to turn things around. But then I plunged deep into depression again. I've been super busy and the next few weeks don't hold out much hope for rest and relaxation. 

At the moment, I am just trying to get through one day at a time and be more gentle with myself. Although I worked a 12 hour day yesterday but that was my teaching course stuff too.

Everything is still majorly getting on top of me but I'm trying to make lists to itemise things and make it more bearable. I have CBT today which is always a trigger for my depression but it has to be done. 

Away to the in-laws this weekend. Not great timing at all as I have so much to do and it always tires me out being there. I use the weekends to catch up on sleep but there will be no chance. 

I'm finding life hard but I just have to keep picking myself up. Difficult when I'm tired and run down. Think I may go back to bed for half an hour. 

Trying to turn things around

10.10pm

In short, I'm hoping that today is the day that I start to turn things around. I told mum that I have slogged my guts out trying to help her but she is doing nothing to help herself. Therefore I am done trying to help and feeling responsible for her. The pressure is now off me. I've also been trying to lower my hours to my normal contracted hours although yesterday I worked 11.5 hours.

Went to CBT today and then came home and had a 2 hour nap in response to trying to listen to my body's needs. Going to bed soon now too. I am going to be very gentle with myself this week and not put too much pressure on.

Although, I haven't prepped a lesson for tomorrow in any way, shape, or form so I will have to do some on the spot teaching. And I was supposed to mark 20 assignments tonight but I'm too tired and in ALOT of pain from my endometriosis. I'm not beating myself up about it. Found out today that my gran has been hospitalised after having a fall and is being diagnosed with dementia. This is throwing a spanner in the works.

B has been fantastic and has been helping more. I just hope it continues as it has made such a difference. My colleagues and friends have all been rallying around me too which makes me feel worth something. 

Weigh day tomorrow! Hoping for 2lbs this week! Then just 1 lb a week until christmas until I lose 10% of my body weight. I can do this! I don't feel like I've lost much weight at all this week though. Very nervous.

The forecast isn't looking good

5.00pm

I haven't had time to blog. I've been so exhausted and busy. At home looking after mum right now. Walking the dog and taking her to a meeting with a woman that can potentially help with walking the dog. I've had barely any time to recuperate. EVERYTHING is so pressurised right now. My course, teaching, my family life and my job. I'm in a black pit and I don't know which way is up. I am struggling so badly, especially when I'm having to support mum. I can't even support myself.

I feel like giving up

12.30am

Once again, I have broken down into a complete state. I am exhausted and I have so much whizzing around my head that I can't even begin to cope,

M has been beyond reproach. She is amazing and has done so much for me, especially tonight. I appreciate it more than she'll ever know but yet here I am having a melt down.

It's late, I don't want to wake her and make her sleep deprived, that's not fair. So it's my own decision but I feel soooo lonely right now despite her being one room away. B is asleep so I don't want to wake him either. I feel as though life isn't worth living with how I feel and I feel so guilty that M has made so much effort and yet I still feel like this.

I have too much to cope with. I have hit rock bottom and quite frankly, right now, I'd rather be dead. I can't support mum, myself, B AND a full time job that has serious demands at the moment AND a part time course of which I have assessments for next week that I have no time to prepare for.

I want to drop dead, I even asked for God to take me (if there even is one). I'm so desperate and I feel like I'm losing a losing battle. I'm not coping at all.

12.50am

DEPRESSION RUINS YOUR LIFE. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I can say on here that it's 'unbearable' but until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea. Suicide is such an ugly word but I can see why people do it. What's the point in living if you're never happy and you're just making the people around you unhappy? My life is one big lie. "I'm fine" and "I'll be OK"' are all lies. I know that these feelings will come back and that once again for the millionth time I will be contemplating suicide. With pain from something physical, you can scream and shout to convey how you feel in an acceptable way. With mental illness, you feel as though you have a silencer on you. Doesn't matter how much pain you're going through, you can't let people know. It's too embarrassing, humiliating and damaging to your reputation that you'd rather it get to the point where you commit suicide than affect those that are important around you.

This is the deepest I've ever conveyed my emotions of depression. I just hope it can give an insight of what it can be like. It's a living hell.

Weigh day

7.30am

Today is weigh day at Slimming World. I am so nervous. It'll be a miracle if I haven't gained this week. Any loss at all I will be absolutely ecstatic about.

Feeling crap today, had 5 and half hours sleep and still feeling really depressed.

No quality of life

7.15am

Another quick post. I don't have time for anything at the moment. It's all work work work. I've been working my ass off and seem to be getting nowhere, it's so depressing. I worked 11.5 hours yesterday and each day I'm getting dragged down more and more physically and emotionally. After all those hours, I came home and cleaned the kitchen and cooked. I needed to unwind so I did a crossword and read my book but that took me until nearly midnight as I didn't get home until around 8pm. So I've had only 6 hours sleep.

According to my scales, I have put on 2lbs. Very disappointing. I didn't regret before that I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted around my birthday but now I do. It's going to be so humiliating at the Slimming World meeting tomorrow. CBT today. May have to go back to work afterwards as I have so much to do. I somehow need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too. Everything is stacking up and it's suffocating.

6.00pm

My CBT therapist took an hour to make me realise that my workload is too much for one person, let alone for one person suffering with severe depression, anxiety and endometriosis. I went back to work after, picked up my belongings and left at 5pm instead of 8pm. I will speak to my manager tomorrow to get help with my workload. My teaching course is really suffering. I am suffering. I got home and sat in the car and sobbed for half an hour. I'm missing dad so much. It's times like these when I could call him and talk to him about it all. He would give me advice and be the fantastic father he had been for the past couple of years. I haven't been able to talk to him for 4 months and 3 days and it feels like forever. I miss him so much and there is NOTHING I can do to feel better about it. It's like my heart has been ripped out and shredded to pieces. I am finding it so hard to convey my emotions and how bad I am feeling. Part of me wants to die just so that I can get to see him again. I miss his wisdom, his crassness, sense of humour, strong presence, quick wittiness, his passion for the things he believed in, his love of nature, his reliableness and most of all, his pure character. There are obviously things about him that I don't miss but I don't want to think about them, I want to remember all the good things but all the good things are the things that make me miss him so damn much. I am hurting so much on the inside and no one can see it on the outside. I feel invisible.

11.10pm

Email sent to therapist as I don't know what else to do:

Tried to find my Line Manager today but he wasn't in. Will try again tomorrow. I left work at 5pm but got home and sat in the car and just cried about everything but mainly about missing Dad. I haven't managed to stop all evening apart from when my mum sent a text to say she'd had a bad day. 

I called to see if she was OK and it led to a 60 minute conversation about how she's not coping and finding it extremely difficult. I'm offering her loads of advice and ideas but she refuses to do anything to help herself which in turn will help me. 

So now I have to go home this weekend to help her out with the dog because she can't cope and it means I'm going to be more exhausted and even more behind on my teaching course. I can't not go if she's so upset she's sobbing down the phone to me. I try to talk to her about how I feel but she says that what she's going through is worse and that with my mental health, it makes her worry about me which increases her problems.

So with trying to support my mum when I can't even support myself right now on top of everything else, I feel like I'm in a crisis again where I can't calm down and it's too late in the evening to call my friends. Ben is asleep so I can't talk to him.

Taken diazepam and going to try to do a crossword but to be honest, I really don't feel like living right now. Everything is unbearable. I was supposed to get an early night at 9pm to make up for all the lack of sleep. It's now gone 11pm and I'm still in a state. I don't know what to do.

Holly.

So much to do, so little time

7.00pm

I am so tired. I fell asleep very late last night so I haven't had much sleep. Work is taking it's toll on me with extreme physical labour which sets off my endometriosis. I have so much work for my teaching course to do and everything is starting to get to me.

I have had a fantastic weekend but it was extremely busy. I have the best friends ever and they made my first birthday without dad a bearable one. The halloween party was so much fun and I cannot wait until next year. I'm so frustrated that I was on a high all weekend as I was having such a great time but depression is creeping up on me and I can start to feel the spiral downwards. I just want to be able to feel normal and be able to enjoy things like everyone else. My diet has gone out the window as Friday, I had a surprise meal out, Saturday was my party, Sunday I was tired and just ate whatever was around and today I had a birthday meal with work colleagues. I'm sure this week I will have gained =(

Short posts for now as I have too much work to do. I just hope it doesn't all get too much and I end up crashing and burning.

Codeine withdrawal

8.30am

I haven't taken codeine in 2 and half days. Yesterday I was woken up by terrible anxiety and today was 10 times worse. Once it wakes you up, it's so intense that you have no hope of getting back to sleep. To help this, I could either take more codeine or take diazepam. I'm going to try the lesser of 2 evils and go and buy over the counter co-codamol which is a quarter of the strength of what I usually take and hopefully wean myself off instead of going cold turkey like last time. I've been taking my codeine as prescribed for pain, it's so unfair that I have to go through this. Also, it gives me an upset stomach which is good for tonight's weigh in at slimming world but won't be representative.

It's freakin' tipping it down with rain!! I have to cycle to my blood test, then cycle to the pharmacy and then cycle to work!! Dampner on an already crappy day.

Feeling annoyed

11.15am

Today I'm pissed off. My department is moving to a new building. I spent last Friday working stupidly hard to get everything packed for the department which set off my endometriosos pain. I was told I could go into the new building to start unpacking the department on Tuesday but then was told the lift wasn't working so couldn't. Then told the lift was fixed and I could go in Wednesday morning. Turned up and the site manager knew nothing about staff arriving today. I'm having to use up my holiday entitlement for this and drove an hour home from mums yesterday to go back to work. Instead, I cycle to work, get sent away and told that some stuff still needs packing in the old building. Go back to the old building, get everything packed and now I'm home and my back is hurting. 

Also, woke up with horrendous anxiety this morning. I think it's because I haven't taken codeine in a day or two. Going to continue to try and stay off it and just use over the counter co-codamol unless I'm in bad pain. I have diazepam to help me through.

However, on a positive note, I'm now under 9st according to my scales.

8.30pm

I think my posts are going to be short and sweet for the rest of the week as it will be very busy with my halloween party and work. Tonight I have done an online shop to order all the food. Yesterday morning was great, took my nephew to watch Hotel Transylvania 2. Had my CBT session today. She told me to work on communicating with B over things that get to me. Tried the discussion tonight but it didn't go overly well....he still thinks it's perfectly acceptable to start eating makerel in bed next to me while I'm sleeping. Would any of you feel like this is ok? So once again, at logger heads. It's so frustrating. Not really had much to eat today, just don't feel like it. Not sure if it's the depression. I'm struggling a bit at the moment.

Feeling exhausted

12.00pm

I've slept quite well the past couple nights but I'm still exhausted to the point where I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. It's a constant battle to ever be able to do anything. I should be doing my teaching stuff but I'm just too tired. I'm crossing all my fingers that the blood test shows up something. 

I'm struggling being at mums. Everything reminds me of dad but I can't show how I feel because mum struggles enough as it is. I know bottling it up for 3-4 days is going to have its repercussions. 

8.30pm

I went to dads grave and sobbed my heart out. I came back and had to take diazepam so I didn't turn into a state in front of mum. Now I'm in a lot of pain with my endometriosis so I'm sofa bound with a hot water bottle, my beautiful border collie Skye that never leaves my side (unless she see's a squirrel, in which case, the dog knows no bounds!) and just taken tramadol and codeine. Counting down the seconds until the painkillers kick in. I'd say the pain is a constant 6-7 out of 10 at the moment. I feel completely miserable =(


10.30pm


It's been 2 hours since I took a max dose of painkillers and I'm still in pain of 4-5 out of 10. I just hope I can get to sleep with it.

Birthday meal with family

6.00pm

Had a birthday meal out with family today and that included M. Having M there is a great boost and since she is also doing slimming world, it made it very easy to choose the right options. I went food shopping after to get lots of food for this diet. I have soooo much fruit, veg and low fat dairy that I will never go hungry. I just don't understand how I will be able to eat so muc (I'm never hungry) and still lose weight. I guess the scales will tell. I'm not even close to giving up yet as it's so easy. And in a week or two, I'm hoping I feel healthier too. I haven't had alcohol since wednesday night so I'm going to treat myself tonight to a few rum and cokes. 

I slept for 12 hours last night and I'm feeling much better for it today. I must have been very exhausted. Going for another early and chilled night tonight I think. Then hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to get into the groove of doing a day of my teaching stuff. Spent time with my lovely nephew this afternoon and played rugby. He had such fun and he's such a lovely boy. I'm proud to be his aunty. Same goes for my niece even though she's so grown up. 

At the moment, on the whole, I'm feeling ok but that could quickly change. 

Busy days - good or bad?

9.15am

I have been so busy that once again I haven't been able to blog. It's not that I'm getting bored of blogging (I'm still enjoying it and finding it helpful), but finding the time is tough as my job is very busy at the moment. Yesterday was spent packing like crazy as it was the last day we were able to pack up the entire department, ready for the removal men on Monday. The physical activity set off my endometriosis so I was once again on codeine and tramadol. I went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 9am this morning. I very much needed that sleep after the really rough week I had of very little sleep. Still feeling as though I could sleep more though, but I can't. I have to get to mums today to help her out for the next 3 days. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I'm feeling so exhausted. Exhaustion definitely makes my depression worse and causes the meltdowns. Went to the doctors yesterday and they gave me more diazepam to get me through and I booked myself in for a blood test. Hopefully something will show on the blood test that is causing my fatigue and is easily treatable. I also have loads and loads of my teaching stuff to catch up on and I don't know how I'm going to do that at mums as she's quite clingy and wants help with things all the time.

I started Slimming World on Thursday and I love doing something with my best friend. We'll be able to motivate each other. I found yesterday hard as I woke up, realising there were no 'free' foods in the house! So I had to take an impromptu trip to tesco's on my way back from the doctors. It's strange that I'm able to eat as much as I want of the 'free' foods and that I don't have to count calories. I'm skeptical as to whether it's going to work for me as I'm not technically overweight.

7.10pm

This morning was spent going to pick up a second hand fridge freezer. This involved getting it up 3 floors to our flat. Now we have enough fridge and freezer space to store lots of fruit, veg and meals for the week. This is going to make SW so much easier. I then drove to mums and pretty much immediately fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling so exhausted today. I don't know if it's the last week catching up on me because I slept 11 hours last night. When I fell asleep on the sofa today, it was awful. I was dreaming that I could barely move and was trying to get help. I got so distressed and has caused my anxiety to increase. I'm in a lot of pain from my endometriosis, taken codeine but it hasn't work. And I'm lightly bleeding too which only happens when I get really stressed. I didn't eat today until 4pm, I just wasn't hungry and so far I've only had 2 syns. There's nothing in mums house that are syns that I want and I haven't had a healthy B option yet either. I'll go shopping tomorrow and try to get some low syn treats. I have my birthday meal tomorrow with the family so I can go all out on syns as I've only had 7 in two days.

Tough day

10.00am


So after last night, I feel like I'm in a pit of darkness. I feel so depressed. I am very busy today so I don't have time to write this morning but hopefully I'll be able to catch up later. I'm feeling very fragile. Just trying to keep living is sapping all my energy. However, I am feeling a tiny bit better after the Health and Safety Manager came to have a chat. He's a really lovely guy and we get on really well. I have to take any positives from today that I can.