Wish you were here Dad

9.50am


I keep thinking of writing 'Happy Birthday Dad' but it doesn't sound right. It's not a 'happy' birthday or even a birthday really as he won't turn a year older, just dead longer. I spent the morning crying and wishing so badly that I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday since he would have been on his way home from work. We would likely have had a BBQ this evening to make the most of the nice weather and I would have got him another year subscription to his favourite magazine. I always made the effort to make him a nice cake, something he's never reallt had in his life and I liked to make him feel special.


I've told people on my team at work that I would be finding today difficult via an email:

'It would have been Dad’s 66th birthday tomorrow so if I look blotchy faced and teary eyed, just ignore it. It’s just a difficult month to get through with his birthday, father’s day and anniversary.

Give me a kick if I’m away with the fairies.'

Their replies were:
'No problem, I quite understand about your dad...  I've been there so know how you feel!'
'You spelt kick wrong - it should be HUG!'
'I can't believe that its been a year! I am planning to work from home today so will send you positive vibes from here. Lots of love coming your way.'

I don't know what I've done for my colleagues to be so nice and supportive after I screwed them over by having 3 months off work for depression and not working to the best of my ability like I used to. I don't feel like I deserve it. And B has been supportive being there for me when I need hugs and telling me he loves me. On the down side, he's agreed to play cricket tonight so I won't see him all day - half a day alone with my thoughts, not good. I also have CBT which always screws with my head. Spent hours crying yesterday, cried this morning so I expect I'll be crying all evening today too. The only thing getting me through is codeine and I'm massively overdosing on it. The pharmacy screwed up my order. Instead of giving me 100 of the 8mg tablets, they gave me 100 of the 30mg tablets. I'm not going to go back and correct them.


I'm not sleeping very well and I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I just want to be in bed.

Dad's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary

6.15pm
I'd appreciate if anyone reading this can comment below, even if it's just your initials. I'd like to know if anyone is actually reading my blog. Thanks.


I need to get this out in the open before I explode (or implode and internalise it all in my case).


I saw my consultant yesterday for my pre-op assessment before my surgery in July. It was a lot to take in but not stuff I didn't already know. Just having a professional say it to you turns it into reality and now I'm scared. The surgery is looming closer and I keep asking myself - what am I scared of? I think about it and I'm not scared of dying or having particular complications such as infection. What I'm scared of is the pain I will be in and not being given enough pain relief which happened last time. I'm scared that because I'm not as mobile or as healthy, I will slip into deep depression. I don't want to be in physical pain AND mental pain. And you may think 'Well you deal with endometriosis pain all the time'. Surgery pain is a completely different type of pain that I'm not used to and the consultant said this will exaggerate the pain, making it feel more painful. There's a slight chance I could end up with a stoma which is a concern in itself. And if endometriosis is affecting my lower bowel, this leads to huge complications and possible permament and irreversible damage to my digestive system. I hate that I can't move after the surgery without being in monumentous pain, and the lethargy and helplessness you feel from every movement feeling like a painful marathon. And I HAVE to keep moving about in order to recover faster. You don't move when you feel ready to, they force you to move about. I was crying and in agony last time and they were forcing me to walk around the ward. I will be in hospital for atleast one night for this procedure. I have spent a night in hospital before when I was 12 and it was the loneliest night of my entire life. I was in soooo much pain and the nurses refused to give me pain relief and then ignored me for the rest of the night, so I spent the night silently crying until morning. I'll never forget how I felt and I'm worried I'm going to feel like that again.


I'm at work doing overtime today to try and take my mind off things. Yesterday, on top of the information overload from nurses and consultants, I decided to visit A who is staying in the same hospital for her eating disorder. I went there at 12.30pm and was told it was lunchtime there and to come back at 1.45pm. So I went home and then went back to the hospital for a nurse to tell me that A doesn't want to see me and hasn't given a reason. Although I'm very proud of A for doing what's best for herself in order to get better, it still really stung and I left crying. I don't know if she's done it for her recovery or if I've done something wrong or if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. It was a huge feeling of rejection after all the help I've offered her. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied for 3 weeks now and I miss her so much and I miss the support we gave each other. But to reiterate, I don't blame her at all, she needs to do what she thinks is right to get better. I really want her better, she doesn't deserve this awful disease.


Moving on, tomorrow would have been dad's birthday. Then 11 days later is Father's Day and then 12 days after that is the first anniversary of his death and B's birthday. Within this will also be my sister's birthday and my nephew's birthday. So all these days within 1 month is a lot to handle. I've been crying for the past hour because it's all too over-whelming. I was messaging B and M about stuff, to which they were replying but then when I send a message about how I'm feeling with all these things coming up, they don't reply. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't sure what to say. Although M is most likely driving at the moment.


There have been some positives though....
I spent 2 days and 2 nights with my lovely nephew and dog. He came to stay and he loves it. He really picked me up out of the depression but since he went home, I've been divebombing back down to the dark pits. The other positive is that I spoke to my consultant about the Decapetyl injections making me really depressed again and he agreed that I can skip the last injection.

Out of options

11.30am

I'm supposed to be at work today but I can't seem to drag myself out of the flat. I'm not functioning AT ALL. It's such a nice day outside and I can't make myself go out. I try to think of things to make myself feel better - codeine, watching tv, colouring, puzzles, sleeping - but I can't enjoy it or I can't focus on it. I've hit rock bottom again. I had a nice weekend as R came to stay and we hung out watching Netflix, then went to a BBQ and then went to lunch and the beach. It was really nice and I started to feel vaguely normal. But now the depression is back to the point where I'll be sobbing on the floor, unable to move. I've slipped back to comfort eating - Fatty, we meet again! The emotional pain is unbearable. I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to save me because I don't have the first clue on how to save myself.

Upside down and topsy turvy

9.30am


I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I don't feel as though I have much to say. I had a meltdown last night. Probably because I drank some alcohol. Definitely avoiding it from now on. It caused me to also binge on biscuits and crisps. I feel ashamed. I even smoked and I don't know why. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better and I was running out of options. B ended up dragging me to bed at 3am where I cried in his arms. He was amazing. He tried taking my mind off it with questions unrelated to my depression and held my hand. I wasn't expecting any of that and I don't think he's ever been quite that attentive during meltdown in the night. It made me feel even more ashamed and guilty for smoking and drinking.


Here I sit at work, very tired, no motivation and depressed as hell. I really don't feel as though I should be at work today. I'm tossing up whether to take a load of codeine just to get me through the day. I need something.

Decapeptyl continued

11.10am


I have been putting off writing on my blog for ages. I guess I don't want to face how I'm feeling and so much has happened. The worse thing about putting off the blog is that I end up with so much to write or forget half the things I wanted to talk about.


One of the first things that is having a huge affect on me is the dreaded Decapeptyl injections. For the first 2 weeks after, I thought I had gotten away with the side effect of severe depression but 2 weeks in, it reared it's ugly head and surely over time has been seeping it's claws further and further in. I'm constantly over sensitive, I feel as though I'm wasting my life right now as I do everything I can to avoid thinking about it such as sleeping and binge watching tv shows (to the point where I've subscribed to Netflix!). But it's necessary just to get through each day right now. I was making improvements before the injections and I feel as though people will be disappointed that I've slipped back to the bottom. I know I'm disappointed to say the least. B has been getting daily migraines so I'm having to do my best to look after him too. I feel so helpless as a lot of the time, there isn't much I can do other than give him emotional support when I can't even support myself. I can't keep up with keeping the flat clean because of the depression and B can't do much because of his migraines. I'm not in floods of tears on the floor about it all like I used to be. I'm responding differently this time in that I can't bring myself to do anything, I feel like a depressed zombie. I enjoy work when I can get my head into getting off my ass and doing my job. But when I struggle to do anything at work, it gets me down. My boss asked me to do something for him and then he criticized me for the work I produced. This really upset me since I'm super sensitive and this makes me feel so totally pathetic. However, B took me out for dinner that evening to cheer me up and despite not wanting to go, I forced myself and ended up enjoying it.


Before, I though B had made his mind up about moving away for work. After days of me bottling up how I felt, and of him being totally insensitive to this, we talked about the options. I was afraid it would turn into an argument which was that last thing I could cope with but luckily we had a conversation and things turned out OK. I told him that it would be the worse possible time to think about working away and after I explained why (depression treatment, Decapeptyl injections, endometriosis surgery, my neice having a baby, enjoying my job), he agreed. How he couldn't work this out for himself, I don't know. Since then, our relationship has gotten so much better, we enjoy being together and we're being more open with each other. Although there are things I am keeping to myself which I will discuss further on.


A huge change to my life is about to happen. My best friend M is moving 200 miles away. I'm devastated and massively struggling to adjust. I'm not going to go into my true feelings as M may read this but lets just say I feel as though my life has been turned upside down but that's my problem, not hers. She is doing what is best for her which I expect of her. Her happiness is what is important to me. I can't come to terms with it. *Holds back tears*


My other best friend A has gone inpatient to an eating disorders centre. She's not doing well at all according to her mum. A isn't allowed outside communication so I haven't been able to speak to her in a week. It's so hard to know she's really struggling and there is literally nothing I can do. And I can't stop thinking about needing help myself for my depression but only having the limited CBT now and again. Makes me feel like the illness I have or just me myself isn't worthy enough of help. A has this great opportunity for all the help she needs and 2 years on, I'm still struggling. It feels like I'm never going to get better and the future terrifies me.


So with all of this plus other niggly bits, I can't say I'm coping well at all. I just can't bring myself to care about my wellbeing and I'm in self-destruct mode. My codeine addiction has spiralled out of control as it's the only thing that get's me through the day and I'm starving myself to feel like I have control over something in my life. I'm going to have to discuss with my doctor at my next Decapeptyl injection appointment of whether I'm going to have it or not. I can't deal with feeling like this again for another 2-3 months.


And with all this, B has bought me an engagement ring in readiness for a proposal but who the f*** would want to spend the rest of their lives with me? I don't deserve to have someone commit to me when I can't even commit to myself. Two best friends abandoned me, another is moving 200 miles away, another lives an hour and a half away and another is in a hospital. After CBT taught me to rely on my friends, they seem to be disappearing and now I don't know how to cope without them. It's one big mess and I'm going to end up alone at this rate and I don't know how to make things better. It feels as though no one is taking my depression seriously at the moment because it's Decapeptyl induced and therefore will only be temporary. But right now it feels like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be months until I'm back to normal - and in which time I'll be trying to recover from surgery. Depression is eating away at me and I'm starting to feel like an empty shell.


1.00pm


I made this blog so my friends could see how I'm feeling and getting on but by looking at my page views for past posts, doesn't look like many bother reading it. Which seems pointless in me writing it. Where do I go from here?

Resigned to feeling lonely and unwanted. And decapeptyl injections

12.00pm


I feel as though B has already made his mind up about moving away. His mum said that he wasn't happy with his day off yesterday (despite still being fully paid) as it was not enhancing his career. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday and asked him to help if he got bored but he said he wouldn't get bored and obviously didn't want to help. I found out later that he was doing some work at the cricket club instead. I asked what he was doing there and his reply was 'I don't want to talk about it!' Last time he was avoiding me (as he is now with going to the cricket ground, constantly playing on his xbox with headphones on and going out whenever he has an excuse) was because he wanted a break from my mental illness. I didn't think I'd been that bad recently but I can't blame him if he wants a break. So he's barely talking to me and isn't interested in trying to support me. All he wants to do it run 230 miles away.


This makes me feel so lonely and unworthy. I'm dealing with everything with a little help from M, A and L but the one who is supposed to be there the most, doesn't want to be. I get the feeling he's made his mind up to move but doesn't want to tell me until he finds out how I respond to the injections.


Started my Decapeptyl injections 2 days ago. It was excruciatingly painful and now I have a bubble of powder in my butt cheek muscle so I can't sit down properly. Yesterday while working a long day at work, I sobbed and sobbed because B doesn't seem to want to support me anymore. I also got VERY angry. I'm not usually like that but I'm glad I was on my own so I didn't take it out on anyone. I felt like punching walls! So I stomped around a lot instead. So the side effects I've found so far are anger, not being able to sleep and depression.


Since B's family are down this weekend, they'll probably let slip that he's talked to them about the move. I'm not looking forward to finding out for sure. I'm not sure he's matured enough to know how to handle these kind of situations and realise that now may not be the best time to be making big decisions like that. And if he really loved me and wanted what was best for me, was to start looking for other jobs once I'm a bit better.


But it's not for me to say. He just has to do what makes him happy or whats best for him. I couldn't do what was best for me like he is right now but that's where we differ.


I want to cry, scream and shout right now but I have to bottle things while at work and then bottle them again when I get home because of B. I'm terrified it'll make him back off more. So here I am internalising and making my depression worse to keep him happy. Or else lose him. I'm really really disappointed it's ended up here.

Post holiday blues?

2.00pm

Over Easter, I had been to Portugal for 10 nights with my mum as my treat. We left for the airport at 6.30am and then our flight was delayed by an hour. Got to our hotel and it was vile. We got to our prison cell....I mean room and it was filthy everywhere. There was wires hanging out the heater which I didn't know until I plugged it in and it tripped the electric to our apartment. The main hotel part looked like it was the set from 'The Shining' and the food was horrible. The plates were covered in grease with a dirty residue on them and the glasses were so dirty that you couldn't see through them.

I complained the next day and I just got a rude response from the girl at the desk and she seemed as though she didn't give a crap. So, I looked online and found another hotel. It was basic and self catering but it was clean which is all we wanted. Now I have to fight to get my money back.

On the positive side, I visited Gibraltar, Lisbon, Albufeira, Lagos, Silves, Monchique mountains and Cape Vincente (the most south westerly part of the Iberian peninsula also known as the 'End of the World'). I really enjoyed the travelling around and seeing new places. Gibraltar was by far the best, it's beautiful out there.

While I was away, I found out all these things...

- The car I had given to B has died and is going to get scrapped
- The TV at home has died
- My gran is really ill
- The extent of my mums alcoholism became apparent
- B may be moving 230 miles away for his job so I don't know if our relationship of 5 years is going to hold up
- My sister isn't really talking to me since she found out about my niece being pregnant

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday because my CBT therapist made me list everything that was wrong in my life and instead of reassuring me that I'll get past it, she was more like - holy crap, you've got alot going on, on top of your mental illness and endometriosis. So it's hit home how hard my life is. I was meant to go to work yesterday and today but can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though I'm spiralling into depression again but I need to stay focussed and keep my spirits up with doing things I enjoy. I'm also sleeping alot more now which isn't a good sign. I'm always tired and it's making me miserable. I feel I'm starting to rely more and more on codeine and diazepam which is really dangerous and the last thing I should be doing but nothing else gives me release from the mental whirlwind in my head.

Any comments of encouragement on here would be great. Depression makes you appreciate the little things in life.

Seeping in the cracks

8.00am

I feel depression seeping into the cracks. I'm not sure why though. Things are going ok. I'm off to Portugal on saturday and I don't want to go. It's just too much hassle. And the flat is a mess and I feel my mind is a mess but I don't have the time or energy to process things. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

To be continued.... I have to leave for work.


9.30am
I have horrible GORD again. Knew I shouldn't have had jalapenos last night. I'm going off my food which is great so it must have been the Gabapentin that caused the massive cravings and binge eating. I think the last time I took it was tuesday morning. I've been feeling horrible ever since but I didn't think there was supposed to be withdrawal from it. I've had headaches, severe tiredness and fatigue, depression, reflux, nausea, anxiety. I wasn't told gabapentin had withdrawal symptoms. I'm just hoping that because I was taking the lowest dose and wasn't taking it for very long that the withdrawal won't last.


I just need to keep thinking that I'm feeling mentally horrible because of withdrawal now, rather than it being for no reason. I had touble with thought processes on Gabapentin and was confused alot of the time with short term memory loss. This was disturbing in itself.


A friend is going IP to hospital to get the help she needs which is fantastic. I feel a little jealous that no one thinks I'm unwell enough to have some intensive treatment for my depression. I'm trying so hard but I'm still about to get shoved out the other side of the NHS with no support. I have my friends but they can only help so much and I feel as though B is getting fed up of me.


Feeling mentally and physically awful at the moment and I've started abusing my codeine again. I have tried so hard not to go down this road again but here I am. Misguided into the wrong direction by my own brain. If I can't even control my brain, how is someone else going to help?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 3 weeks since my last blog.

7.45pm

I'm hiding from my emotions again. Things were going well. I have been put on a new drug called Gabapentin. Normally used to treat epilepsy but in smaller doses is supposed to work for pain. Not sure I've noticed a big difference but I'm only on a small dose. I'm too scared to up the dose incase I put on weight. My appetite has increased and I'm craving sugar all the time. It's getting disheartening and making me miserable as all I can think about are the cravings. I try everything I can to stop it but then I end up binging on a bucket load of sugar. I'm also back at work full time. And I've found out a date for my surgery in July. 

This has hit me hard. From the 11th April, I'm on Decapeptyl injections as preparation for my surgery to shrink the endometriosis (also used for prostate cancer) so there is less to cut away. But it means I will be in a menopausal state for 4 months. The first side effect of this drug is severe depression, another is pelvic pain, another is painful bleeding etc etc....all the stuff I'm supposed to be getting treated for!!! I am beyond terrified that it's going to cause depression, anxiety is eating away at me and it's affecting my day to day life. R came to visit for the weekend and I just couldn't enjoy it as I couldn't stop thinking about these damn injections and what it's going to do to me. It's making me miserable and I feel like I'm slipping back into depression again. I'm tired all the time, probably from the Gabapentin and this is dragging my mood down. I feel at a loss of what to do as I feel like I'm stuck in a corner with no choice. There's no running away because not having the surgery may mean I can't have children.

I've got so many thoughts running around my head again that I need to get them down to get rid of them. I'm supposed to be taking mum to Portugal on saturday and I haven't even had chance to think about it. I should be excited but I don't want to go. 

Trying to think of some positives.... The rats cheer me up and my friends have rallied around me for my surgery. 

Lack of sleep

11.20pm


The neighbour kept me awake last night and again tonight and I have the inlaws down to stay that get up early. I've had my first week back at work and now I'm tired and crying. I just want to get a good nights sleep. It's hard enough trying to go back to work with depression and grieving without being exhausted from lack of sleep. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep in the car cos it's too cold and I can't sleep in the spare room cos B's Dad is in there.


I took a sleeping tablet last night just to sleep and I shouldn't be taking them cos they're highly addictive. I'm already battling an addiction to codeine, I can't cope with one with sleeping tablets too. I've been feeling a bit better recently but lack of sleep has made be go back into the abyss of depression. I feel so lonely and frustrated. No one cares or will listen that I need to sleep. No one understands.

First day back at work

4.00pm

So my first day went OK, I think over half of it was spent chatting and catching up with people which was nice but felt like I had achieved nothing. All I did was make up a litre of Magnesium Sulphate and 5 litres of lime water.

Tomorrow will be different though as I won't be working with anyone, I'll be on my own to get done as much as I can. There is still so much to get done after moving faculties and it is over-whelming but I'm taking it in my stride. I'm on 4 hour days today and tomorrow and then next week is 5 hour days.

Although I'm not totally ready to be back at work, I feel as though I have accomplished something and was relieved to see that I hadn't forgotten how to make up chemical solutions.

Tonight is slimming world and I do NOT want to weigh in after I had been to Butlins, eating pasties, pancakes, pizza, cookie dough, pot noodles and nachos to name a few. Trying a new technique to shift weightloss. Combining calorie counting with slimming world syns. Up to 15 syns a day as normal but up to 1400cals for the whole day. With my job and exercise, this (according to myfitnesspal) will lead to a loss of 1 lb per week.

I have a friend who is going through an incredibly difficult time and a friend that seems like she is happy and falling in love. Two different ends of the spectrum, very bitter sweet. I'm hoping that soon they'll both be happy. I miss R, I haven't seen him in months. I am skint so can't travel to see him or even go to see my mum and dog.

I feel a bit 'blank' at the moment, it's the only way I can describe it. A bit numb but in a good way. Not too much anxiety and feeling more relaxed. My mind isn't overloaded with thoughts for once so I don't really know what else to say! I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy. Maybe I'm close to content. I know it won't last but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Hard times and good times

11.00am

I've been putting off posting out of partly laziness and partly avoiding writing down my feelings. It's just easier to suppress everything. I've come to realise that I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. I'm just leading this sad existence that seems like it'll go on until the day I die. Feels like it would be easier to just cut my losses now and end it all. I'm trying so hard and although I have improved, I'm no where near being happy. I'm running out of options to try to be happy. I still partly blame myself for dad's death, I miss his so so much and I just want to know that he's ok. Although I was on the phone to him while he died, we never got a proper goodbye. 

NEWS FLASH - I'm going to be a Great Auntie in July. My niece is pregnant but didn't know. Part of me think it's a gift from Dad but at the same time, I think Dad is gone so that's not possible. I'm happy for her but I think it may well end up putting a strain on the family. 

B and I went to Butlins at the weekend. We had a great time. Watched Dick and Dom live on stage, played loads of games at the arcade, did the high ropes, climbing wall, 50ft free fall and went to the water park. 

I've seen M and A a couple times which always lifts my moods. Although I worry so much about A who is unwell and I really really hope she gets better. I want to be supportive but I don't want to encourage it. I won't go into detail as it's not for me to say but if she stays ill, it's going to change her life forever and not for the better. Nothing good is going to come from it and if she does get better, she'll look back and regret all the times she lost from the illness. But at the same time, it is an illness so I am compassionate when it comes to it. 

I start back on work on thursday. I'm doing 4 hours on Thursday and Friday and next week I'll be doing 5 hours a day. I'm excited but nervous. It could go 1 of 2 ways. It could create a routine to ease me back into a normal life or it could make me feel out of control and worsen the depression. In which case, I cannot take any more time off because I have to save the rest of my paid sick leave until the summer when I have my surgery. 

Feeling quite down and out of control at the moment. Of course this leads me to having control over food. I ate so much at Butlins that I put on 3-4 lbs. Some of which will be food weight but now I'm going to be back at work with a routine, I can start working on a strick eating routine. I will struggle because I'm so weak with no willpower. This also lowers my mood but when I succeed in losing weight, my mood lifts. 

I forgot to take codeine to Butlins with me so I'm currently 3.5 days off of codeine. The withdrawal is really draining but I want to keep it going. From Saturday, I should be feeling much better from the withdrawal. Days 3-5 are supposed to be the worst so I'm going to be gentle with myself.

My CBT therapy is going well. I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, I just struggle implementing what I've learned. They say to force myself to do things that I don't want to, but then I do it and feel miserable after because I really didn't want to do it. One example was rock climbing. I love climbing!! But I really didn't feel like going, forced myself and came back feeling worse. 

I need to keep up with the blogging more instead of avoiding it. I need to get my emotions out instead of bottling it up like I used to.

Avoiding emotions

11.30pm (1st February, post writing went past midnight)

I haven't been blogging because I've been avoiding my emotions rather than dealing with them. I thought I was doing ok, them I made myself think everything was fine and now tonight after having some alcohol and remembering it's been 6 months to the day since dad died, I'm a mess again. There's so much bad emotion pent up inside that I honestly just want to go take an overdose. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want B having to deal with Timmy on his own as it's alot of pressure. 

Timmy is one of my 3 rats who I have grown to love like family. Each has their own personality and are so sweet in every way, even when trying to steal food off your dinner plate. On Saturday 23rd January, I accidentally stood on Timmy while he was roaming around. He squealed and ran away in shock but seemed to be fine until the following wednesday night when he was squealing in agony. The next day, I made an appointment where he was given a quick check over and some painkillers. I waited 2 days but he was still squealing in pain so I took him back to the vet on Sunday. They booked him in for an x-ray and an ultrasound which he had today. They found he had chipped a bone in his shoulder and has a small mass on his liver which is either a tumour or trauma from me stepping on him. He's now on the equivalent of morphine and if he doesn't improve in the next week, he'll have to be euthanised and it;s all my fault. 

B is very down at the moment about various things so I'm doing my utmost to support him. The flat is a mess and I'm eating far too much of all the wrong things. Just when I started feeling like I had a hold on things, they're starting to slip from my grasp. 

I keep remembering dad, laying dead on the floor with gunked eyes, grey, and clammy with the blank expression in his eyes. Then him being wheeled away on the morgue trolley. Then going to see him in the chapel of rest, feeling where he had been cut open for his autopsy, putting the fathers day card under his hand which he had kept for years. Then burying him. It's all stuff I try to suppress. I imagine hugging him again and feel the pain that it's never going to happen again. I'm terrified of forgetting what he looks like and his mannerisms and character. I can't talk to B about any of it as he's preoccupied with his own things.

On the plus side, I had a great weekend with A. It was refreshing to forget about everything else and just have some girly time. Kind of therapeutic in a way. I just wish there was more I could do to help her. She's very supportive and it's great I can add another friend to my list.

I've got so much going on in my head that I'm forgetting it all. I still find the blog refreshing but I'm not sure if anyone is reading it. In which case, it's completely pointless. I set it up so my friends could see how I was feeling without me feeling like a plonker talking about it and it all coming out wrong. But saying that, I literally just type whatever comes into my head and I don't even proof read it. 

It's going to be past midnight by the time I finish this post but I'm still writing for 1st February.

I guess I have a lot to get off my chest. I've just taken codeine, tramadol, diazepam and zopiclone to calm me down and get me to sleep. I was doing so well at getting to bed at a reasonable time and getting up at an ok-ish time. I was trying to train myself ready for going back to work. I was also on top on the flat tidying and cleaning. That's all gone out of the window now along with my diet. I've not given up on my diet, there are just too many temptations in the way and I've not been in contact or seen M as much. She always seems to keep me on track. So all in all, my life feels more out of control. Why can't I just be ok with that? Life in unplanned and unpredictable. I know this, yet I feel like I need to be in control of every part of it. Maybe it's something I need to bring up with my therapist but everytime I go, I forget to talk about important things I've thought about. I know I should write them down but I'd feel like a right idiot going in there and getting out a list and going through it. Just like I feel like am idiot writing all of this down on the internet for all to see.

I need guidance and reassurance from friends but since I was feeling a bit better, I think they assume that I'm just on the mend. I still have troughs where I feel as though I can't cope. They pop up randomly and unexpectedly. That's something else I can't cope with, more unpredictability I don't need. Just like endometriosis pain. 

I know everyone feels like this at times but I just need a break from my own mind. It's CONSTANTLY overloaded with thoughts, mostly negative that I fight but I have no control over them popping up in the first place. Every minute of every day is a constant battle and I'm getting so tired. It's exhausting. I'm not a fighter, never have been. But I'm also not a quitter. I'm torn between quitting and fighting, as at the end of the day, that's what my life is about. At the moment I'm having no choice but to fight. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying life and everyday is a struggle. At what point do I stop fighting and quit?

So. Much. Pain

3.30pm

I was kept up until 5am yesterday morning due to a neighbour having friends round. I took a sleeping pill to try and sleep but it didn't work and took another at 3am. This led me to not waking up until B got home from work at 4.30pm. I felt so out of sorts and I'm not sure if it's related but last night I was in so much pain from the endo. This has carried on today. I'm feeling so down and fed up of it now. I'd say my mood is still stable but it doesn't stop me from feeling down. 

My diet has been really unhealthy the past few days so I'm limiting my intake until weigh in. I had a bad day on sunday and so I turned to food. Then the pain last night made me turn to food again. I'm so disappointed in myself. Due to the pain, my painkiller intake has sky rocketed. I'm sick of taking them but I have no choice. I've made a doctors appointment for friday but I don't think there is anything I can do.

I need some serious cheering up. 

Stabilising and TOM

7.30pm

Doesn't feel like a whole week since I last blogged. I've been busy seeing a friend at a seaside town, I love spending time with her, everything is so easy and understanding. There's no judging so I feel free to be myself. I'm glad I've made a new friend (called A).

I've been spending time with M as usual which never disappoints. I've been helping mum move, setting up her internet, tv account, organising for the telephone engineer to sort her phone line, sorting a mobile phone that has signal in her village and driving her to hand her keys in to the old house, just to name a few. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. This was my childhood home that I grew up in and it holds so many good and bad memories. The house signifies all the bad memories in my life but I'm still finding it so hard to let go. My beloved dog, my best friend was buried in that garden and we're leaving her behind. I feel so damn guilty. Not to mention my hamsters, guinea pig, mouse, rabbit, cat, budgie, stick insects, fish and various wild animals were buried there. When I used to visit my parents, I would say I'm going 'home'. Now I'm going to 'mums' as its a new building and not my home. My home isn't there for me now. It's hard to find closure on this. But on the positive side, the dog (that is alive) is happy in the new house which surprised everyone as she's usually extremely sensitive but she's acting like she's always lived there. This takes away my worry. Mum's happier now she's moved but she always has something to complain about. First it was 'I'll be happy once I know I'll be moving' then 'I'll be happy once I've been given a date to move' then 'I'll be happy once I've moved' then 'I'll be happy once I've given the keys in so I can get closure' then 'I'll be happy when everything is properly unpacked'. Each of these statements were accompanied by her saying that she'll get her drinking under control but then there was always another excuse. This will just keep going on and on. She's an alcoholic and she doesn't want to stop. 

I've noticed my mood is much more stable now. *Touch wood* I don't seem to have meltdowns anymore. Things which would get me really down before, I would constantly think about, making it 100 times worse but now I'm better at brushing it off. I'm not better by any means and as I said before, I'm never going to be the same again, always terrified that I'm going to go back to how I was. I'm still depressed but medicated enough to function better. I'm still struggling with constant fatigue which there is no medical explanation for. Makes me feel like I'm just lazy but I get unbelievably drowsy where I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days. 

My endo has been worse and I was in horrible pain for 5 days and then on wednesday, I started my first proper TOM in 3 and a half years. It's slowing down now and it wasn't horrendous like they used to be. I know this is TMI but I've added it in for my own reference.

I'm still addicted to codeine. I still feel shit because of that. I keep getting pain where my liver is. When I had gastric reflux, the doctor said it could be an indication of gall stones but I'm just going to ignore it. It's probably nothing. I'm just worried I may be damaging my liver with all the medication I'm on. I'm starting to look more towards the future and I want it to be drug free. I'm still alcohol free and I'm feeling amazingly proud of myself and B. I'm not going to lie, I have wanted a drink at times but I just distract myself and it goes away. I'm not even sure I want to start drinking again after dry january.

I also feel good about starting a 'Help to Buy ISA'. I have to borrow £1000 of B to put in it and then pay in £200 a month. This will leave me £250 a month to live off once I take out bills and direct debits. So things will be tight but I'm excited that it's a proper start to saving for a mortgage. We plan in 2 years times to have a mortgage. 

So as you can see, 14 months on from the diagnosis (not even then start of the depression), I'm starting to get better. My sleep patterns are getting better, making myself go to bed earlier. I have amazing friends, an amazing (pain in the ass) boyfriend even if I don't have a supportive family. I can pick my friends so I don't need my family. I've learned from therapy that I can't keep holding on, hoping for something that won't happen so I've let them go.

Life is never going to be the same

1.30pm

I've started feeling as though with this bought of depression, that my life will never be the same again. I'm always going to be battling and straining to get through everyday which is going to be exhausting. Makes me not look forward to life. This makes me really sad. I want to be happy and I want to enjoy life. 

Yesterday I started thinking about the past and why certain things happened and wondering why. I feel awful for plastering things over the internet about my family and the past that happened so I don't think I'll mention specifics. I feel locked up in this sense as I can't talk about it and try to resolve it. 

I know I need to work more on my routine. I'm going to start using a diary from my CBT sessions to plan out my days. I was hoping to go for a long cycle today but we had a physiotherapist come around for B's back which he told me nothing about. So we had a mad clear up of the flat for 20 minutes before he arrived. Tomorrow the weather isn't looking great for a cycle and the next day is going to be tipping it down with rain. Not sure what to do, I'm so limited with the lack of daylight. Plus I just randomly started feeling sick today after breakfast.

I'm having real trouble sleeping recently. The past couple nights I've had to take sleeping tablets but I'm not allowed to take it more than twice in a row or 3 times in a week or it loses it's effectiveness. It gets to the evening and I'm tired but I feel wired physically. Feels like anxiety but I don't have a raise heart rate which is odd. I barely drink caffeine so I'm not sure what it is, it's like I'm scared of going to sleep or something. It gets to 12.00-2.00am and I force myself to sleep but it takes 2-3 hours and then I wake up late and it's a perpetual cycle. The plan is to force myself to try to sleep at 11.00pm at the latest and force myself up at the latest of 8.00am, regardless of how I have slept. Didn't get to sleep last night until about 4-4.30am and I was so ravenous!!! I ate 2 big handfuls of carrot sticks and was still too hungry to sleep but I know I can't eat in the middle of the night. And it doesn't help that I'm constantly cold at night. Managed to finally warm up after putting on my fluffy onesie with a hood, blanket, quilt, another blanket and then my dressing gown. 

I know I'm thinking about and worrying about too many things. And it's silly things I can't do anything about like worrying about the homeless people on the streets in this cold weather. 

So all in all, I'm anxious because I can't exercise, I have no routine and I'm not getting enough sleep. I want to try and get off the codeine (again) but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. I will see if I can go without until the end of dry january - which is still going well. I'm feeling quite chuffed that I've stuck to it. I'm having that feeling on being on edge still so I am going to test out if it is actually anxiety and take some diazepam. If it doesn't take the edge off then it's just all in my head.

Last night I didn't sleep much, but when I was asleep, I was having very strange dreams again. I had a dream with dad in it but this time, there was nothing about his death. It was as if he had never died but he wasn't his usual self, he was happier but in a slightly manic way doing things he wouldn't usually do (in this case, sign up for the primark newsletter!!). And we went with heroin addicts, one of which vomited on the floor. Dad laughed and said it must have been the mineral water he drank. I wish I knew how my mind worked. 

Bad mood

3.00pm

I cycled 9.5 miles yesterday which I really enjoyed. Then I had a sleep and woke up in a really foul mood for no reason. This carried on the whole evening and I still have it today. It's driving me nuts which is making me go into an even worse foul mood. I had anxiety dreams that woke me up this morning. I usually have those when I have codeine withdrawal. I haven't had codeine in a couple of days so would make sense. So I'm taking low doses of co-codamol today to dampen down the anxiety and foul mood. B was very sweet last night and cooked me dinner so I've done all the cleaning today.

I can't stop eating today!! I had overnight oats for breakfast at 9.00am, then vegetable stew at 12.00pm and then a whole packet of pasta 'n' sauce at 2.30pm and I'm still hungry!! I can only put it down to the exercise I've been doing and the lack of codeine clogging me up. 

I'm proud of myself for not wallowing in my foul mood today. I got myself out to the local supermarket to get the new limited edition muller light peanut and caramel yoghurts. And then came back and cleaned. 

Found out yesterday I'm no longer allowed to continue with my teaching course since I've had too much time off work. I don't know why, but it doesn't bother me. I'm gutted because I'm going to miss my course friends but it's pressure that I don't need at the moment. I'm quite happy just to focus on my job and myself for now. I feel as though I have a better chance of making time for myself to get better. I think I may be feeling a little optimistic, although I have been feeling more depressed the past couple days. But I just need to take one day at a time. I've come so far and I can see it.

Feeling a little better

4.00pm

I have been feeling a little better which I am putting down to the lack of alcohol and more exercise. I can't really explain it but I'm smiling more and things that usually get me down, I am able to deal with.

I've been sad about dad and feeling stressed about various things but I haven't been having meltdowns like I would have done. I'm definitely going to cut down the amount I drink after dry january. This is thanks to T who lives downstairs persuading B to take part. So I did it too.

Yesterday I helped mum with her move. Then in the evening as a family, they got fish and chips from the local takeaway. I just sat there and ate some mushy peas and a carrot to keep to the SW diet. The greasy fatty fast food didn't even appeal to me. Now I've been eating cleaner due to SW, I don't like the idea of fast food and takeaways. This makes me feel good.

Having a chilled day today and then hopefully I can get out cycling a couple of times next week. Looking forward to it.

CBT and exercise

8.30pm

I had my CBT session and it went OK. Although the new therapist had barely looked at my notes and didn't know anything about me. It was just a session on her to find out about me which seems a big waste when there are notes she could have studied beforehand. I wasn't impressed. And she's supposed to be a really good according to my last therapist. And I'm only supposed to have 6 sessions apparently. If I'm not well after the 6th session, surely they can't ditch me, can they?

I went to see my doctor today and she signed me off for another 4 weeks which is fantastic. Such a relief. But I still haven't heard back of whether I am allowed to submit my assignment. There's no way I'll be able to do it in time now. 

Mum rang today to say she's really stressed out and really struggling with the move. So I had no choice but to say that I'll come down to help. It's the last thing I need right now, I need my own space. So, tomorrow will be slogging my guts out while she's at work. 

Today I decided to be proactive. I cycled 21 miles. I thought before I started that if I only make it half way and turn back then that's fine but I will see it as a failure. Then I thought, I have to get to my destination to get to the beach, sit there and think about dad. So I said to myself that I will do it for dad. AND I DID IT!! I'm really proud of myself and I found it really difficult on the way back, struggling to get my legs to work. Came home suffering with a bit of low blood sugar but I feel as though I have accomplished something. I can do things if I put my mind to it.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a reoccurring dream about dad. I had another where I knew he was supposed to be dead. But I sat him down and explained that I had booked a holiday for mum and I while he was gone, but now he was back, I gave him the tickets so he could go with mum instead. 

And I had another dream where he came back. I asked where he had been and he said he had been working at sea as a trawlerman (which was his occupation most of his life), but he seemed really sheepish about it after he made me believe he was dead. I felt like things didn't add up and kept probing him for where he really was. He came out with the truth and said he had actually been in prison and I cried because I felt so hurt and betrayed. Then the next part of the dream was that I was in a car chase against someone (possibly dad) and the person driving the car I was in was a friend of dads (no one I knew). I woke up crying from this dream, still feeling the hurt and betrayal that he had lied about being dead because he was in prison. Then realised it was only a dream. But it didn't take long for the reality to hit me that he was actually dead. 

The dreams get more frequent, more complicated and more bizarre, the less I think about dad. It's a subject that upsets me and sets back my depression so I try not to think about it. It's making my quality of sleep bad and that makes me feel tired and depressed.

But on the whole, I think I'm doing ok. I'm not as bad as I was. 

My eating has also improved. Rather than eating once a day, I've decided to go back whole heartedly on the slimming world diet and have been eating 3 meals a day. I only lost 1lb this week so maybe starving myself doesn't work. If I don't lose weight next week after doing the proper SW diet then I'm not sure what to do. I'm adding in exercise now too. Wednesday I cycled about 4 miles and today 21 miles. Tomorrow I'll be packing and lifting heavy boxes all day. I will do another long-ish cycle next week, but not 21 miles. Maybe 10 miles, that will be nice and easy.

I've realised recently that I can now look back and see how truly ill I was. I was extremely poorly but I was in denial and refused to see it and tried to soldier on. I know now it was a mistake. But if I had gone off work earlier then I wouldn't have thought I was poorly enough to be taking the time off.

Down day

12.00am

I've been getting depressed today over my assignment. I have so much to do and it's due on the 18th. And I emailed my tutor asking if I am even allowed to submit it because I'm off sick and not allowed to attend classes. In which case, there would be no point worrying or starting it. So this has kicked off anxiety and has led to me taking:
150mg tramadol
90mg codeine
15mg diazepam
So I relapsed in a time of weakness and this makes me feel like a failure. But at the same time, I am in pain, just not enough to constitute taking those many painkillers. It doesn't help that I've been using CBT techniques to plan things to do for the day but haven't been able to stick to them and spend the whole day watching tv and being on MPA. It's a very sad existence.

Not leaving the flat is definitely not helping so tomorrow I plan to cycle to town to pick up my prescriptions and then cycle to my CBT session. I miss exercising so badly but I fear it because it sets off my Endometriosis which leads to more painkillers. But once I'm under 8st (which I may change to 7st 12, I will definitely be treating myself to a months climbing membership. But at the moment, money is extremely tight and I've had to borrow money off B to get through this month. And with B going self employed, finances are rocky as it is. I know we'll get through but we just had a food shop of £120 which was mainly down to the amount of meat B eats. I've been trying to get him to keep the costs of food down but he loves his food so I can't deny him that.

Feeling very angered at the moment as my best friend is really unhappy. A friend of hers constantly belittles her, knocking the confidence of a beautiful, talented and loyal young lady (although maybe 'lady' can be debatable at times hehe - only kidding 😉). I don't know why bad things happen to such good people and I defend my friends to the hilt. I never stand up for myself but will always stand up to my friends. I really want to say something to the kniving cow but I know it wouldn't help M. But one day, I'll slip in some clever snide remark that will take her down a peg or two because M deserves so much better.

On a happier note, R has 2 dates in the pipeline, I'm super excited for him and have all fingers crossed that it works out. Although he can be a drunken idiot at times, he has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys I know. Such a gentleman, I don't know how he doesn't ensnare the hearts of many other ladies. I think his confidence knocks him back. If he acted on a date how he acts around me, there would be no problem.

Along with B, I am so lucky to have these people in my life. Makes me feel like I must be doing something right. I just wish depression wasn't sitting on my mind like a rotting corpse. 'Pain demands to be felt.' Hell yes it does! And I'm sick of it. The only things healing me are B, M and R <3

Not really thinking

4.20pm

I met up with a friend today that I don't see very often. It really helps to talk to someone who suffers with similar difficulties. Although I've come away feeling more anxious because it's brought up things I tried to forget, it's allowed me to talk and get it out of my system. And I hope she felt the same. We had coffee, went to a museum and book shop. Sounds lame but it was fun. And I have this evening to look forward to as M is staying.

I am also feeling a little anxious because I just ate lunch for the first time in 9 days even though it was only 243 calories. But it will do me good and I need to get over it. Considered taking diazepam but it never does anything so I don't think there's much point. Plus I'm trying to get off the stuff.

I'm doing well so far this year. Watching my spending, had no alcohol, really cut down on codeine and had no tramadol or diazepam. 

My depression has also improved :)

11.50pm

7.00pm 
20mg Omeprazole
100mg tramadol

8.00pm
60mg codeine

I think because I ate lunch for the first time in 9 days, my stomach rebelled and my gastric reflux started so I had to take these pain killers. So this time I needed them and wasn't abusing them. The tramadol didn't work so used codeine as well. Still feeling uncomfortable with the reflux now. Going to take more paracetamol and Gaviscon now to hopefully curb it. 

Plan tomorrow is to be up by 10am and then by 11am, start my essay. This scares me but I need to atleast try it.

Had a great time with M and B tonight playing heads up and Havana. Can't wait for next time. For once I look forward to things and M says I seem more myself. And I'm not hiding and pretending things are fine anymore, so I must be getting a little better. But part of me thinks the control from restricting food is giving me a bit of happiness back. Had 2 small meals today and still hungry (maybe 600 cals?) but I'm feeling good. I'll revert back to normal slimming world eating soon, just want a weightloss boost at the moment to get under 8st (112lbs).