10.30am
I haven't blogged in ages because I have been so busy and feeling so down trodden. The depression has hit an all time low to the point where my CBT therapist and family are very concerned. And they don't even know everything that I'm feeling but I couldn't stop crying and beating myself up about things that weren't even my fault. I have had to up my dose of Diazepam at times just to get through difficult times.
Sunday night I ended up in hospital due to stress related gastric-oesophageal reflux and I lost 4.5lbs this week as a result. It also led me to take most of the week off work too. I am feeling so incredibly guilty about taking the time off but I know that if I continue to work through the illnesses and depression, there is no hope of being able to get better. This has led me to make the conscious decision to take next week off work and possibly the week after too. This leads to repercussions on my team at work which I feel awful about and makes me more depressed. But I am going to use the week to catch up on my teaching course, spend time with my beloved border collie and hopefully start enjoying life and working through my demons. I need to learn to take the pressure off myself and stop worrying about everyone else.
Yesterday was the tree planting for dads grave at the woodland burial site. It was hard, especially with all the family there but my best friend made an appearance which was really supportive.
Slimming World has been going great. I really enjoy it and look forward to it each week.
The weather is getting me down. I want to be able to go out and enjoy walks but its not great when it's blowing a gale and raining most of the time.
Sunday 29 November 2015
Thursday 19 November 2015
Just a short one
Life is so hectic and busy right now that I want to scream. But I just want to say that I am so lucky to have my best friend in my life. I love her so much and she's a light that shines through my darkness.
Wednesday 18 November 2015
It's been a while
7.15am
It's been a while since my last blog - a whole week. My last post was trying to turn things around. But then I plunged deep into depression again. I've been super busy and the next few weeks don't hold out much hope for rest and relaxation.
At the moment, I am just trying to get through one day at a time and be more gentle with myself. Although I worked a 12 hour day yesterday but that was my teaching course stuff too.
Everything is still majorly getting on top of me but I'm trying to make lists to itemise things and make it more bearable. I have CBT today which is always a trigger for my depression but it has to be done.
Away to the in-laws this weekend. Not great timing at all as I have so much to do and it always tires me out being there. I use the weekends to catch up on sleep but there will be no chance.
I'm finding life hard but I just have to keep picking myself up. Difficult when I'm tired and run down. Think I may go back to bed for half an hour.
It's been a while since my last blog - a whole week. My last post was trying to turn things around. But then I plunged deep into depression again. I've been super busy and the next few weeks don't hold out much hope for rest and relaxation.
At the moment, I am just trying to get through one day at a time and be more gentle with myself. Although I worked a 12 hour day yesterday but that was my teaching course stuff too.
Everything is still majorly getting on top of me but I'm trying to make lists to itemise things and make it more bearable. I have CBT today which is always a trigger for my depression but it has to be done.
Away to the in-laws this weekend. Not great timing at all as I have so much to do and it always tires me out being there. I use the weekends to catch up on sleep but there will be no chance.
I'm finding life hard but I just have to keep picking myself up. Difficult when I'm tired and run down. Think I may go back to bed for half an hour.
Wednesday 11 November 2015
Trying to turn things around
10.10pm
In short, I'm hoping that today is the day that I start to turn things around. I told mum that I have slogged my guts out trying to help her but she is doing nothing to help herself. Therefore I am done trying to help and feeling responsible for her. The pressure is now off me. I've also been trying to lower my hours to my normal contracted hours although yesterday I worked 11.5 hours.
Went to CBT today and then came home and had a 2 hour nap in response to trying to listen to my body's needs. Going to bed soon now too. I am going to be very gentle with myself this week and not put too much pressure on.
Although, I haven't prepped a lesson for tomorrow in any way, shape, or form so I will have to do some on the spot teaching. And I was supposed to mark 20 assignments tonight but I'm too tired and in ALOT of pain from my endometriosis. I'm not beating myself up about it. Found out today that my gran has been hospitalised after having a fall and is being diagnosed with dementia. This is throwing a spanner in the works.
B has been fantastic and has been helping more. I just hope it continues as it has made such a difference. My colleagues and friends have all been rallying around me too which makes me feel worth something.
Weigh day tomorrow! Hoping for 2lbs this week! Then just 1 lb a week until christmas until I lose 10% of my body weight. I can do this! I don't feel like I've lost much weight at all this week though. Very nervous.
In short, I'm hoping that today is the day that I start to turn things around. I told mum that I have slogged my guts out trying to help her but she is doing nothing to help herself. Therefore I am done trying to help and feeling responsible for her. The pressure is now off me. I've also been trying to lower my hours to my normal contracted hours although yesterday I worked 11.5 hours.
Went to CBT today and then came home and had a 2 hour nap in response to trying to listen to my body's needs. Going to bed soon now too. I am going to be very gentle with myself this week and not put too much pressure on.
Although, I haven't prepped a lesson for tomorrow in any way, shape, or form so I will have to do some on the spot teaching. And I was supposed to mark 20 assignments tonight but I'm too tired and in ALOT of pain from my endometriosis. I'm not beating myself up about it. Found out today that my gran has been hospitalised after having a fall and is being diagnosed with dementia. This is throwing a spanner in the works.
B has been fantastic and has been helping more. I just hope it continues as it has made such a difference. My colleagues and friends have all been rallying around me too which makes me feel worth something.
Weigh day tomorrow! Hoping for 2lbs this week! Then just 1 lb a week until christmas until I lose 10% of my body weight. I can do this! I don't feel like I've lost much weight at all this week though. Very nervous.
Sunday 8 November 2015
The forecast isn't looking good
5.00pm
I haven't had time to blog. I've been so exhausted and busy. At home looking after mum right now. Walking the dog and taking her to a meeting with a woman that can potentially help with walking the dog. I've had barely any time to recuperate. EVERYTHING is so pressurised right now. My course, teaching, my family life and my job. I'm in a black pit and I don't know which way is up. I am struggling so badly, especially when I'm having to support mum. I can't even support myself.
I haven't had time to blog. I've been so exhausted and busy. At home looking after mum right now. Walking the dog and taking her to a meeting with a woman that can potentially help with walking the dog. I've had barely any time to recuperate. EVERYTHING is so pressurised right now. My course, teaching, my family life and my job. I'm in a black pit and I don't know which way is up. I am struggling so badly, especially when I'm having to support mum. I can't even support myself.
Friday 6 November 2015
I feel like giving up
12.30am
Once again, I have broken down into a complete state. I am exhausted and I have so much whizzing around my head that I can't even begin to cope,
M has been beyond reproach. She is amazing and has done so much for me, especially tonight. I appreciate it more than she'll ever know but yet here I am having a melt down.
It's late, I don't want to wake her and make her sleep deprived, that's not fair. So it's my own decision but I feel soooo lonely right now despite her being one room away. B is asleep so I don't want to wake him either. I feel as though life isn't worth living with how I feel and I feel so guilty that M has made so much effort and yet I still feel like this.
I have too much to cope with. I have hit rock bottom and quite frankly, right now, I'd rather be dead. I can't support mum, myself, B AND a full time job that has serious demands at the moment AND a part time course of which I have assessments for next week that I have no time to prepare for.
I want to drop dead, I even asked for God to take me (if there even is one). I'm so desperate and I feel like I'm losing a losing battle. I'm not coping at all.
12.50am
DEPRESSION RUINS YOUR LIFE. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I can say on here that it's 'unbearable' but until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea. Suicide is such an ugly word but I can see why people do it. What's the point in living if you're never happy and you're just making the people around you unhappy? My life is one big lie. "I'm fine" and "I'll be OK"' are all lies. I know that these feelings will come back and that once again for the millionth time I will be contemplating suicide. With pain from something physical, you can scream and shout to convey how you feel in an acceptable way. With mental illness, you feel as though you have a silencer on you. Doesn't matter how much pain you're going through, you can't let people know. It's too embarrassing, humiliating and damaging to your reputation that you'd rather it get to the point where you commit suicide than affect those that are important around you.
This is the deepest I've ever conveyed my emotions of depression. I just hope it can give an insight of what it can be like. It's a living hell.
Once again, I have broken down into a complete state. I am exhausted and I have so much whizzing around my head that I can't even begin to cope,
M has been beyond reproach. She is amazing and has done so much for me, especially tonight. I appreciate it more than she'll ever know but yet here I am having a melt down.
It's late, I don't want to wake her and make her sleep deprived, that's not fair. So it's my own decision but I feel soooo lonely right now despite her being one room away. B is asleep so I don't want to wake him either. I feel as though life isn't worth living with how I feel and I feel so guilty that M has made so much effort and yet I still feel like this.
I have too much to cope with. I have hit rock bottom and quite frankly, right now, I'd rather be dead. I can't support mum, myself, B AND a full time job that has serious demands at the moment AND a part time course of which I have assessments for next week that I have no time to prepare for.
I want to drop dead, I even asked for God to take me (if there even is one). I'm so desperate and I feel like I'm losing a losing battle. I'm not coping at all.
12.50am
DEPRESSION RUINS YOUR LIFE. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I can say on here that it's 'unbearable' but until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea. Suicide is such an ugly word but I can see why people do it. What's the point in living if you're never happy and you're just making the people around you unhappy? My life is one big lie. "I'm fine" and "I'll be OK"' are all lies. I know that these feelings will come back and that once again for the millionth time I will be contemplating suicide. With pain from something physical, you can scream and shout to convey how you feel in an acceptable way. With mental illness, you feel as though you have a silencer on you. Doesn't matter how much pain you're going through, you can't let people know. It's too embarrassing, humiliating and damaging to your reputation that you'd rather it get to the point where you commit suicide than affect those that are important around you.
This is the deepest I've ever conveyed my emotions of depression. I just hope it can give an insight of what it can be like. It's a living hell.
Thursday 5 November 2015
Weigh day
7.30am
Today is weigh day at Slimming World. I am so nervous. It'll be a miracle if I haven't gained this week. Any loss at all I will be absolutely ecstatic about.
Feeling crap today, had 5 and half hours sleep and still feeling really depressed.
Today is weigh day at Slimming World. I am so nervous. It'll be a miracle if I haven't gained this week. Any loss at all I will be absolutely ecstatic about.
Feeling crap today, had 5 and half hours sleep and still feeling really depressed.
Wednesday 4 November 2015
No quality of life
7.15am
Another quick post. I don't have time for anything at the moment. It's all work work work. I've been working my ass off and seem to be getting nowhere, it's so depressing. I worked 11.5 hours yesterday and each day I'm getting dragged down more and more physically and emotionally. After all those hours, I came home and cleaned the kitchen and cooked. I needed to unwind so I did a crossword and read my book but that took me until nearly midnight as I didn't get home until around 8pm. So I've had only 6 hours sleep.
According to my scales, I have put on 2lbs. Very disappointing. I didn't regret before that I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted around my birthday but now I do. It's going to be so humiliating at the Slimming World meeting tomorrow. CBT today. May have to go back to work afterwards as I have so much to do. I somehow need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too. Everything is stacking up and it's suffocating.
6.00pm
My CBT therapist took an hour to make me realise that my workload is too much for one person, let alone for one person suffering with severe depression, anxiety and endometriosis. I went back to work after, picked up my belongings and left at 5pm instead of 8pm. I will speak to my manager tomorrow to get help with my workload. My teaching course is really suffering. I am suffering. I got home and sat in the car and sobbed for half an hour. I'm missing dad so much. It's times like these when I could call him and talk to him about it all. He would give me advice and be the fantastic father he had been for the past couple of years. I haven't been able to talk to him for 4 months and 3 days and it feels like forever. I miss him so much and there is NOTHING I can do to feel better about it. It's like my heart has been ripped out and shredded to pieces. I am finding it so hard to convey my emotions and how bad I am feeling. Part of me wants to die just so that I can get to see him again. I miss his wisdom, his crassness, sense of humour, strong presence, quick wittiness, his passion for the things he believed in, his love of nature, his reliableness and most of all, his pure character. There are obviously things about him that I don't miss but I don't want to think about them, I want to remember all the good things but all the good things are the things that make me miss him so damn much. I am hurting so much on the inside and no one can see it on the outside. I feel invisible.
11.10pm
Email sent to therapist as I don't know what else to do:
Another quick post. I don't have time for anything at the moment. It's all work work work. I've been working my ass off and seem to be getting nowhere, it's so depressing. I worked 11.5 hours yesterday and each day I'm getting dragged down more and more physically and emotionally. After all those hours, I came home and cleaned the kitchen and cooked. I needed to unwind so I did a crossword and read my book but that took me until nearly midnight as I didn't get home until around 8pm. So I've had only 6 hours sleep.
According to my scales, I have put on 2lbs. Very disappointing. I didn't regret before that I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted around my birthday but now I do. It's going to be so humiliating at the Slimming World meeting tomorrow. CBT today. May have to go back to work afterwards as I have so much to do. I somehow need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too. Everything is stacking up and it's suffocating.
6.00pm
My CBT therapist took an hour to make me realise that my workload is too much for one person, let alone for one person suffering with severe depression, anxiety and endometriosis. I went back to work after, picked up my belongings and left at 5pm instead of 8pm. I will speak to my manager tomorrow to get help with my workload. My teaching course is really suffering. I am suffering. I got home and sat in the car and sobbed for half an hour. I'm missing dad so much. It's times like these when I could call him and talk to him about it all. He would give me advice and be the fantastic father he had been for the past couple of years. I haven't been able to talk to him for 4 months and 3 days and it feels like forever. I miss him so much and there is NOTHING I can do to feel better about it. It's like my heart has been ripped out and shredded to pieces. I am finding it so hard to convey my emotions and how bad I am feeling. Part of me wants to die just so that I can get to see him again. I miss his wisdom, his crassness, sense of humour, strong presence, quick wittiness, his passion for the things he believed in, his love of nature, his reliableness and most of all, his pure character. There are obviously things about him that I don't miss but I don't want to think about them, I want to remember all the good things but all the good things are the things that make me miss him so damn much. I am hurting so much on the inside and no one can see it on the outside. I feel invisible.
11.10pm
Email sent to therapist as I don't know what else to do:
Tried to find my Line Manager today but he wasn't in. Will try again tomorrow. I left work at 5pm but got home and sat in the car and just cried about everything but mainly about missing Dad. I haven't managed to stop all evening apart from when my mum sent a text to say she'd had a bad day.
I called to see if she was OK and it led to a 60 minute conversation about how she's not coping and finding it extremely difficult. I'm offering her loads of advice and ideas but she refuses to do anything to help herself which in turn will help me.
So now I have to go home this weekend to help her out with the dog because she can't cope and it means I'm going to be more exhausted and even more behind on my teaching course. I can't not go if she's so upset she's sobbing down the phone to me. I try to talk to her about how I feel but she says that what she's going through is worse and that with my mental health, it makes her worry about me which increases her problems.
So with trying to support my mum when I can't even support myself right now on top of everything else, I feel like I'm in a crisis again where I can't calm down and it's too late in the evening to call my friends. Ben is asleep so I can't talk to him.
Taken diazepam and going to try to do a crossword but to be honest, I really don't feel like living right now. Everything is unbearable. I was supposed to get an early night at 9pm to make up for all the lack of sleep. It's now gone 11pm and I'm still in a state. I don't know what to do.
Holly.
Monday 2 November 2015
So much to do, so little time
7.00pm
I am so tired. I fell asleep very late last night so I haven't had much sleep. Work is taking it's toll on me with extreme physical labour which sets off my endometriosis. I have so much work for my teaching course to do and everything is starting to get to me.
I have had a fantastic weekend but it was extremely busy. I have the best friends ever and they made my first birthday without dad a bearable one. The halloween party was so much fun and I cannot wait until next year. I'm so frustrated that I was on a high all weekend as I was having such a great time but depression is creeping up on me and I can start to feel the spiral downwards. I just want to be able to feel normal and be able to enjoy things like everyone else. My diet has gone out the window as Friday, I had a surprise meal out, Saturday was my party, Sunday I was tired and just ate whatever was around and today I had a birthday meal with work colleagues. I'm sure this week I will have gained =(
Short posts for now as I have too much work to do. I just hope it doesn't all get too much and I end up crashing and burning.
I am so tired. I fell asleep very late last night so I haven't had much sleep. Work is taking it's toll on me with extreme physical labour which sets off my endometriosis. I have so much work for my teaching course to do and everything is starting to get to me.
I have had a fantastic weekend but it was extremely busy. I have the best friends ever and they made my first birthday without dad a bearable one. The halloween party was so much fun and I cannot wait until next year. I'm so frustrated that I was on a high all weekend as I was having such a great time but depression is creeping up on me and I can start to feel the spiral downwards. I just want to be able to feel normal and be able to enjoy things like everyone else. My diet has gone out the window as Friday, I had a surprise meal out, Saturday was my party, Sunday I was tired and just ate whatever was around and today I had a birthday meal with work colleagues. I'm sure this week I will have gained =(
Short posts for now as I have too much work to do. I just hope it doesn't all get too much and I end up crashing and burning.
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