8.00am
I feel depression seeping into the cracks. I'm not sure why though. Things are going ok. I'm off to Portugal on saturday and I don't want to go. It's just too much hassle. And the flat is a mess and I feel my mind is a mess but I don't have the time or energy to process things. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
To be continued.... I have to leave for work.
9.30am
I have horrible GORD again. Knew I shouldn't have had jalapenos last night. I'm going off my food which is great so it must have been the Gabapentin that caused the massive cravings and binge eating. I think the last time I took it was tuesday morning. I've been feeling horrible ever since but I didn't think there was supposed to be withdrawal from it. I've had headaches, severe tiredness and fatigue, depression, reflux, nausea, anxiety. I wasn't told gabapentin had withdrawal symptoms. I'm just hoping that because I was taking the lowest dose and wasn't taking it for very long that the withdrawal won't last.
I just need to keep thinking that I'm feeling mentally horrible because of withdrawal now, rather than it being for no reason. I had touble with thought processes on Gabapentin and was confused alot of the time with short term memory loss. This was disturbing in itself.
A friend is going IP to hospital to get the help she needs which is fantastic. I feel a little jealous that no one thinks I'm unwell enough to have some intensive treatment for my depression. I'm trying so hard but I'm still about to get shoved out the other side of the NHS with no support. I have my friends but they can only help so much and I feel as though B is getting fed up of me.
Feeling mentally and physically awful at the moment and I've started abusing my codeine again. I have tried so hard not to go down this road again but here I am. Misguided into the wrong direction by my own brain. If I can't even control my brain, how is someone else going to help?
Thursday 24 March 2016
Sunday 20 March 2016
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 3 weeks since my last blog.
7.45pm
I'm hiding from my emotions again. Things were going well. I have been put on a new drug called Gabapentin. Normally used to treat epilepsy but in smaller doses is supposed to work for pain. Not sure I've noticed a big difference but I'm only on a small dose. I'm too scared to up the dose incase I put on weight. My appetite has increased and I'm craving sugar all the time. It's getting disheartening and making me miserable as all I can think about are the cravings. I try everything I can to stop it but then I end up binging on a bucket load of sugar. I'm also back at work full time. And I've found out a date for my surgery in July.
This has hit me hard. From the 11th April, I'm on Decapeptyl injections as preparation for my surgery to shrink the endometriosis (also used for prostate cancer) so there is less to cut away. But it means I will be in a menopausal state for 4 months. The first side effect of this drug is severe depression, another is pelvic pain, another is painful bleeding etc etc....all the stuff I'm supposed to be getting treated for!!! I am beyond terrified that it's going to cause depression, anxiety is eating away at me and it's affecting my day to day life. R came to visit for the weekend and I just couldn't enjoy it as I couldn't stop thinking about these damn injections and what it's going to do to me. It's making me miserable and I feel like I'm slipping back into depression again. I'm tired all the time, probably from the Gabapentin and this is dragging my mood down. I feel at a loss of what to do as I feel like I'm stuck in a corner with no choice. There's no running away because not having the surgery may mean I can't have children.
I've got so many thoughts running around my head again that I need to get them down to get rid of them. I'm supposed to be taking mum to Portugal on saturday and I haven't even had chance to think about it. I should be excited but I don't want to go.
Trying to think of some positives.... The rats cheer me up and my friends have rallied around me for my surgery.
I'm hiding from my emotions again. Things were going well. I have been put on a new drug called Gabapentin. Normally used to treat epilepsy but in smaller doses is supposed to work for pain. Not sure I've noticed a big difference but I'm only on a small dose. I'm too scared to up the dose incase I put on weight. My appetite has increased and I'm craving sugar all the time. It's getting disheartening and making me miserable as all I can think about are the cravings. I try everything I can to stop it but then I end up binging on a bucket load of sugar. I'm also back at work full time. And I've found out a date for my surgery in July.
This has hit me hard. From the 11th April, I'm on Decapeptyl injections as preparation for my surgery to shrink the endometriosis (also used for prostate cancer) so there is less to cut away. But it means I will be in a menopausal state for 4 months. The first side effect of this drug is severe depression, another is pelvic pain, another is painful bleeding etc etc....all the stuff I'm supposed to be getting treated for!!! I am beyond terrified that it's going to cause depression, anxiety is eating away at me and it's affecting my day to day life. R came to visit for the weekend and I just couldn't enjoy it as I couldn't stop thinking about these damn injections and what it's going to do to me. It's making me miserable and I feel like I'm slipping back into depression again. I'm tired all the time, probably from the Gabapentin and this is dragging my mood down. I feel at a loss of what to do as I feel like I'm stuck in a corner with no choice. There's no running away because not having the surgery may mean I can't have children.
I've got so many thoughts running around my head again that I need to get them down to get rid of them. I'm supposed to be taking mum to Portugal on saturday and I haven't even had chance to think about it. I should be excited but I don't want to go.
Trying to think of some positives.... The rats cheer me up and my friends have rallied around me for my surgery.
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