12.00pm
I feel as though B has already made his mind up about moving away. His mum said that he wasn't happy with his day off yesterday (despite still being fully paid) as it was not enhancing his career. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday and asked him to help if he got bored but he said he wouldn't get bored and obviously didn't want to help. I found out later that he was doing some work at the cricket club instead. I asked what he was doing there and his reply was 'I don't want to talk about it!' Last time he was avoiding me (as he is now with going to the cricket ground, constantly playing on his xbox with headphones on and going out whenever he has an excuse) was because he wanted a break from my mental illness. I didn't think I'd been that bad recently but I can't blame him if he wants a break. So he's barely talking to me and isn't interested in trying to support me. All he wants to do it run 230 miles away.
This makes me feel so lonely and unworthy. I'm dealing with everything with a little help from M, A and L but the one who is supposed to be there the most, doesn't want to be. I get the feeling he's made his mind up to move but doesn't want to tell me until he finds out how I respond to the injections.
Started my Decapeptyl injections 2 days ago. It was excruciatingly painful and now I have a bubble of powder in my butt cheek muscle so I can't sit down properly. Yesterday while working a long day at work, I sobbed and sobbed because B doesn't seem to want to support me anymore. I also got VERY angry. I'm not usually like that but I'm glad I was on my own so I didn't take it out on anyone. I felt like punching walls! So I stomped around a lot instead. So the side effects I've found so far are anger, not being able to sleep and depression.
Since B's family are down this weekend, they'll probably let slip that he's talked to them about the move. I'm not looking forward to finding out for sure. I'm not sure he's matured enough to know how to handle these kind of situations and realise that now may not be the best time to be making big decisions like that. And if he really loved me and wanted what was best for me, was to start looking for other jobs once I'm a bit better.
But it's not for me to say. He just has to do what makes him happy or whats best for him. I couldn't do what was best for me like he is right now but that's where we differ.
I want to cry, scream and shout right now but I have to bottle things while at work and then bottle them again when I get home because of B. I'm terrified it'll make him back off more. So here I am internalising and making my depression worse to keep him happy. Or else lose him. I'm really really disappointed it's ended up here.
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Friday 8 April 2016
Post holiday blues?
2.00pm
Over Easter, I had been to Portugal for 10 nights with my mum as my treat. We left for the airport at 6.30am and then our flight was delayed by an hour. Got to our hotel and it was vile. We got to our prison cell....I mean room and it was filthy everywhere. There was wires hanging out the heater which I didn't know until I plugged it in and it tripped the electric to our apartment. The main hotel part looked like it was the set from 'The Shining' and the food was horrible. The plates were covered in grease with a dirty residue on them and the glasses were so dirty that you couldn't see through them.
I complained the next day and I just got a rude response from the girl at the desk and she seemed as though she didn't give a crap. So, I looked online and found another hotel. It was basic and self catering but it was clean which is all we wanted. Now I have to fight to get my money back.
On the positive side, I visited Gibraltar, Lisbon, Albufeira, Lagos, Silves, Monchique mountains and Cape Vincente (the most south westerly part of the Iberian peninsula also known as the 'End of the World'). I really enjoyed the travelling around and seeing new places. Gibraltar was by far the best, it's beautiful out there.
While I was away, I found out all these things...
- The car I had given to B has died and is going to get scrapped
- The TV at home has died
- My gran is really ill
- The extent of my mums alcoholism became apparent
- B may be moving 230 miles away for his job so I don't know if our relationship of 5 years is going to hold up
- My sister isn't really talking to me since she found out about my niece being pregnant
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday because my CBT therapist made me list everything that was wrong in my life and instead of reassuring me that I'll get past it, she was more like - holy crap, you've got alot going on, on top of your mental illness and endometriosis. So it's hit home how hard my life is. I was meant to go to work yesterday and today but can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though I'm spiralling into depression again but I need to stay focussed and keep my spirits up with doing things I enjoy. I'm also sleeping alot more now which isn't a good sign. I'm always tired and it's making me miserable. I feel I'm starting to rely more and more on codeine and diazepam which is really dangerous and the last thing I should be doing but nothing else gives me release from the mental whirlwind in my head.
Any comments of encouragement on here would be great. Depression makes you appreciate the little things in life.
Over Easter, I had been to Portugal for 10 nights with my mum as my treat. We left for the airport at 6.30am and then our flight was delayed by an hour. Got to our hotel and it was vile. We got to our prison cell....I mean room and it was filthy everywhere. There was wires hanging out the heater which I didn't know until I plugged it in and it tripped the electric to our apartment. The main hotel part looked like it was the set from 'The Shining' and the food was horrible. The plates were covered in grease with a dirty residue on them and the glasses were so dirty that you couldn't see through them.
I complained the next day and I just got a rude response from the girl at the desk and she seemed as though she didn't give a crap. So, I looked online and found another hotel. It was basic and self catering but it was clean which is all we wanted. Now I have to fight to get my money back.
On the positive side, I visited Gibraltar, Lisbon, Albufeira, Lagos, Silves, Monchique mountains and Cape Vincente (the most south westerly part of the Iberian peninsula also known as the 'End of the World'). I really enjoyed the travelling around and seeing new places. Gibraltar was by far the best, it's beautiful out there.
While I was away, I found out all these things...
- The car I had given to B has died and is going to get scrapped
- The TV at home has died
- My gran is really ill
- The extent of my mums alcoholism became apparent
- B may be moving 230 miles away for his job so I don't know if our relationship of 5 years is going to hold up
- My sister isn't really talking to me since she found out about my niece being pregnant
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday because my CBT therapist made me list everything that was wrong in my life and instead of reassuring me that I'll get past it, she was more like - holy crap, you've got alot going on, on top of your mental illness and endometriosis. So it's hit home how hard my life is. I was meant to go to work yesterday and today but can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though I'm spiralling into depression again but I need to stay focussed and keep my spirits up with doing things I enjoy. I'm also sleeping alot more now which isn't a good sign. I'm always tired and it's making me miserable. I feel I'm starting to rely more and more on codeine and diazepam which is really dangerous and the last thing I should be doing but nothing else gives me release from the mental whirlwind in my head.
Any comments of encouragement on here would be great. Depression makes you appreciate the little things in life.
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