11.20pm
The neighbour kept me awake last night and again tonight and I have the inlaws down to stay that get up early. I've had my first week back at work and now I'm tired and crying. I just want to get a good nights sleep. It's hard enough trying to go back to work with depression and grieving without being exhausted from lack of sleep. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep in the car cos it's too cold and I can't sleep in the spare room cos B's Dad is in there.
I took a sleeping tablet last night just to sleep and I shouldn't be taking them cos they're highly addictive. I'm already battling an addiction to codeine, I can't cope with one with sleeping tablets too. I've been feeling a bit better recently but lack of sleep has made be go back into the abyss of depression. I feel so lonely and frustrated. No one cares or will listen that I need to sleep. No one understands.
Saturday 27 February 2016
Thursday 18 February 2016
First day back at work
4.00pm
So my first day went OK, I think over half of it was spent chatting and catching up with people which was nice but felt like I had achieved nothing. All I did was make up a litre of Magnesium Sulphate and 5 litres of lime water.
Tomorrow will be different though as I won't be working with anyone, I'll be on my own to get done as much as I can. There is still so much to get done after moving faculties and it is over-whelming but I'm taking it in my stride. I'm on 4 hour days today and tomorrow and then next week is 5 hour days.
Although I'm not totally ready to be back at work, I feel as though I have accomplished something and was relieved to see that I hadn't forgotten how to make up chemical solutions.
Tonight is slimming world and I do NOT want to weigh in after I had been to Butlins, eating pasties, pancakes, pizza, cookie dough, pot noodles and nachos to name a few. Trying a new technique to shift weightloss. Combining calorie counting with slimming world syns. Up to 15 syns a day as normal but up to 1400cals for the whole day. With my job and exercise, this (according to myfitnesspal) will lead to a loss of 1 lb per week.
I have a friend who is going through an incredibly difficult time and a friend that seems like she is happy and falling in love. Two different ends of the spectrum, very bitter sweet. I'm hoping that soon they'll both be happy. I miss R, I haven't seen him in months. I am skint so can't travel to see him or even go to see my mum and dog.
I feel a bit 'blank' at the moment, it's the only way I can describe it. A bit numb but in a good way. Not too much anxiety and feeling more relaxed. My mind isn't overloaded with thoughts for once so I don't really know what else to say! I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy. Maybe I'm close to content. I know it won't last but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
So my first day went OK, I think over half of it was spent chatting and catching up with people which was nice but felt like I had achieved nothing. All I did was make up a litre of Magnesium Sulphate and 5 litres of lime water.
Tomorrow will be different though as I won't be working with anyone, I'll be on my own to get done as much as I can. There is still so much to get done after moving faculties and it is over-whelming but I'm taking it in my stride. I'm on 4 hour days today and tomorrow and then next week is 5 hour days.
Although I'm not totally ready to be back at work, I feel as though I have accomplished something and was relieved to see that I hadn't forgotten how to make up chemical solutions.
Tonight is slimming world and I do NOT want to weigh in after I had been to Butlins, eating pasties, pancakes, pizza, cookie dough, pot noodles and nachos to name a few. Trying a new technique to shift weightloss. Combining calorie counting with slimming world syns. Up to 15 syns a day as normal but up to 1400cals for the whole day. With my job and exercise, this (according to myfitnesspal) will lead to a loss of 1 lb per week.
I have a friend who is going through an incredibly difficult time and a friend that seems like she is happy and falling in love. Two different ends of the spectrum, very bitter sweet. I'm hoping that soon they'll both be happy. I miss R, I haven't seen him in months. I am skint so can't travel to see him or even go to see my mum and dog.
I feel a bit 'blank' at the moment, it's the only way I can describe it. A bit numb but in a good way. Not too much anxiety and feeling more relaxed. My mind isn't overloaded with thoughts for once so I don't really know what else to say! I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy. Maybe I'm close to content. I know it won't last but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
Tuesday 16 February 2016
Hard times and good times
11.00am
I've been putting off posting out of partly laziness and partly avoiding writing down my feelings. It's just easier to suppress everything. I've come to realise that I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. I'm just leading this sad existence that seems like it'll go on until the day I die. Feels like it would be easier to just cut my losses now and end it all. I'm trying so hard and although I have improved, I'm no where near being happy. I'm running out of options to try to be happy. I still partly blame myself for dad's death, I miss his so so much and I just want to know that he's ok. Although I was on the phone to him while he died, we never got a proper goodbye.
NEWS FLASH - I'm going to be a Great Auntie in July. My niece is pregnant but didn't know. Part of me think it's a gift from Dad but at the same time, I think Dad is gone so that's not possible. I'm happy for her but I think it may well end up putting a strain on the family.
B and I went to Butlins at the weekend. We had a great time. Watched Dick and Dom live on stage, played loads of games at the arcade, did the high ropes, climbing wall, 50ft free fall and went to the water park.
I've seen M and A a couple times which always lifts my moods. Although I worry so much about A who is unwell and I really really hope she gets better. I want to be supportive but I don't want to encourage it. I won't go into detail as it's not for me to say but if she stays ill, it's going to change her life forever and not for the better. Nothing good is going to come from it and if she does get better, she'll look back and regret all the times she lost from the illness. But at the same time, it is an illness so I am compassionate when it comes to it.
I start back on work on thursday. I'm doing 4 hours on Thursday and Friday and next week I'll be doing 5 hours a day. I'm excited but nervous. It could go 1 of 2 ways. It could create a routine to ease me back into a normal life or it could make me feel out of control and worsen the depression. In which case, I cannot take any more time off because I have to save the rest of my paid sick leave until the summer when I have my surgery.
Feeling quite down and out of control at the moment. Of course this leads me to having control over food. I ate so much at Butlins that I put on 3-4 lbs. Some of which will be food weight but now I'm going to be back at work with a routine, I can start working on a strick eating routine. I will struggle because I'm so weak with no willpower. This also lowers my mood but when I succeed in losing weight, my mood lifts.
I forgot to take codeine to Butlins with me so I'm currently 3.5 days off of codeine. The withdrawal is really draining but I want to keep it going. From Saturday, I should be feeling much better from the withdrawal. Days 3-5 are supposed to be the worst so I'm going to be gentle with myself.
My CBT therapy is going well. I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, I just struggle implementing what I've learned. They say to force myself to do things that I don't want to, but then I do it and feel miserable after because I really didn't want to do it. One example was rock climbing. I love climbing!! But I really didn't feel like going, forced myself and came back feeling worse.
I need to keep up with the blogging more instead of avoiding it. I need to get my emotions out instead of bottling it up like I used to.
I've been putting off posting out of partly laziness and partly avoiding writing down my feelings. It's just easier to suppress everything. I've come to realise that I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. I'm just leading this sad existence that seems like it'll go on until the day I die. Feels like it would be easier to just cut my losses now and end it all. I'm trying so hard and although I have improved, I'm no where near being happy. I'm running out of options to try to be happy. I still partly blame myself for dad's death, I miss his so so much and I just want to know that he's ok. Although I was on the phone to him while he died, we never got a proper goodbye.
NEWS FLASH - I'm going to be a Great Auntie in July. My niece is pregnant but didn't know. Part of me think it's a gift from Dad but at the same time, I think Dad is gone so that's not possible. I'm happy for her but I think it may well end up putting a strain on the family.
B and I went to Butlins at the weekend. We had a great time. Watched Dick and Dom live on stage, played loads of games at the arcade, did the high ropes, climbing wall, 50ft free fall and went to the water park.
I've seen M and A a couple times which always lifts my moods. Although I worry so much about A who is unwell and I really really hope she gets better. I want to be supportive but I don't want to encourage it. I won't go into detail as it's not for me to say but if she stays ill, it's going to change her life forever and not for the better. Nothing good is going to come from it and if she does get better, she'll look back and regret all the times she lost from the illness. But at the same time, it is an illness so I am compassionate when it comes to it.
I start back on work on thursday. I'm doing 4 hours on Thursday and Friday and next week I'll be doing 5 hours a day. I'm excited but nervous. It could go 1 of 2 ways. It could create a routine to ease me back into a normal life or it could make me feel out of control and worsen the depression. In which case, I cannot take any more time off because I have to save the rest of my paid sick leave until the summer when I have my surgery.
Feeling quite down and out of control at the moment. Of course this leads me to having control over food. I ate so much at Butlins that I put on 3-4 lbs. Some of which will be food weight but now I'm going to be back at work with a routine, I can start working on a strick eating routine. I will struggle because I'm so weak with no willpower. This also lowers my mood but when I succeed in losing weight, my mood lifts.
I forgot to take codeine to Butlins with me so I'm currently 3.5 days off of codeine. The withdrawal is really draining but I want to keep it going. From Saturday, I should be feeling much better from the withdrawal. Days 3-5 are supposed to be the worst so I'm going to be gentle with myself.
My CBT therapy is going well. I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, I just struggle implementing what I've learned. They say to force myself to do things that I don't want to, but then I do it and feel miserable after because I really didn't want to do it. One example was rock climbing. I love climbing!! But I really didn't feel like going, forced myself and came back feeling worse.
I need to keep up with the blogging more instead of avoiding it. I need to get my emotions out instead of bottling it up like I used to.
Tuesday 2 February 2016
Avoiding emotions
11.30pm (1st February, post writing went past midnight)
I haven't been blogging because I've been avoiding my emotions rather than dealing with them. I thought I was doing ok, them I made myself think everything was fine and now tonight after having some alcohol and remembering it's been 6 months to the day since dad died, I'm a mess again. There's so much bad emotion pent up inside that I honestly just want to go take an overdose. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want B having to deal with Timmy on his own as it's alot of pressure.
Timmy is one of my 3 rats who I have grown to love like family. Each has their own personality and are so sweet in every way, even when trying to steal food off your dinner plate. On Saturday 23rd January, I accidentally stood on Timmy while he was roaming around. He squealed and ran away in shock but seemed to be fine until the following wednesday night when he was squealing in agony. The next day, I made an appointment where he was given a quick check over and some painkillers. I waited 2 days but he was still squealing in pain so I took him back to the vet on Sunday. They booked him in for an x-ray and an ultrasound which he had today. They found he had chipped a bone in his shoulder and has a small mass on his liver which is either a tumour or trauma from me stepping on him. He's now on the equivalent of morphine and if he doesn't improve in the next week, he'll have to be euthanised and it;s all my fault.
B is very down at the moment about various things so I'm doing my utmost to support him. The flat is a mess and I'm eating far too much of all the wrong things. Just when I started feeling like I had a hold on things, they're starting to slip from my grasp.
I keep remembering dad, laying dead on the floor with gunked eyes, grey, and clammy with the blank expression in his eyes. Then him being wheeled away on the morgue trolley. Then going to see him in the chapel of rest, feeling where he had been cut open for his autopsy, putting the fathers day card under his hand which he had kept for years. Then burying him. It's all stuff I try to suppress. I imagine hugging him again and feel the pain that it's never going to happen again. I'm terrified of forgetting what he looks like and his mannerisms and character. I can't talk to B about any of it as he's preoccupied with his own things.
On the plus side, I had a great weekend with A. It was refreshing to forget about everything else and just have some girly time. Kind of therapeutic in a way. I just wish there was more I could do to help her. She's very supportive and it's great I can add another friend to my list.
I've got so much going on in my head that I'm forgetting it all. I still find the blog refreshing but I'm not sure if anyone is reading it. In which case, it's completely pointless. I set it up so my friends could see how I was feeling without me feeling like a plonker talking about it and it all coming out wrong. But saying that, I literally just type whatever comes into my head and I don't even proof read it.
It's going to be past midnight by the time I finish this post but I'm still writing for 1st February.
I guess I have a lot to get off my chest. I've just taken codeine, tramadol, diazepam and zopiclone to calm me down and get me to sleep. I was doing so well at getting to bed at a reasonable time and getting up at an ok-ish time. I was trying to train myself ready for going back to work. I was also on top on the flat tidying and cleaning. That's all gone out of the window now along with my diet. I've not given up on my diet, there are just too many temptations in the way and I've not been in contact or seen M as much. She always seems to keep me on track. So all in all, my life feels more out of control. Why can't I just be ok with that? Life in unplanned and unpredictable. I know this, yet I feel like I need to be in control of every part of it. Maybe it's something I need to bring up with my therapist but everytime I go, I forget to talk about important things I've thought about. I know I should write them down but I'd feel like a right idiot going in there and getting out a list and going through it. Just like I feel like am idiot writing all of this down on the internet for all to see.
I need guidance and reassurance from friends but since I was feeling a bit better, I think they assume that I'm just on the mend. I still have troughs where I feel as though I can't cope. They pop up randomly and unexpectedly. That's something else I can't cope with, more unpredictability I don't need. Just like endometriosis pain.
I know everyone feels like this at times but I just need a break from my own mind. It's CONSTANTLY overloaded with thoughts, mostly negative that I fight but I have no control over them popping up in the first place. Every minute of every day is a constant battle and I'm getting so tired. It's exhausting. I'm not a fighter, never have been. But I'm also not a quitter. I'm torn between quitting and fighting, as at the end of the day, that's what my life is about. At the moment I'm having no choice but to fight. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying life and everyday is a struggle. At what point do I stop fighting and quit?
I haven't been blogging because I've been avoiding my emotions rather than dealing with them. I thought I was doing ok, them I made myself think everything was fine and now tonight after having some alcohol and remembering it's been 6 months to the day since dad died, I'm a mess again. There's so much bad emotion pent up inside that I honestly just want to go take an overdose. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want B having to deal with Timmy on his own as it's alot of pressure.
Timmy is one of my 3 rats who I have grown to love like family. Each has their own personality and are so sweet in every way, even when trying to steal food off your dinner plate. On Saturday 23rd January, I accidentally stood on Timmy while he was roaming around. He squealed and ran away in shock but seemed to be fine until the following wednesday night when he was squealing in agony. The next day, I made an appointment where he was given a quick check over and some painkillers. I waited 2 days but he was still squealing in pain so I took him back to the vet on Sunday. They booked him in for an x-ray and an ultrasound which he had today. They found he had chipped a bone in his shoulder and has a small mass on his liver which is either a tumour or trauma from me stepping on him. He's now on the equivalent of morphine and if he doesn't improve in the next week, he'll have to be euthanised and it;s all my fault.
B is very down at the moment about various things so I'm doing my utmost to support him. The flat is a mess and I'm eating far too much of all the wrong things. Just when I started feeling like I had a hold on things, they're starting to slip from my grasp.
I keep remembering dad, laying dead on the floor with gunked eyes, grey, and clammy with the blank expression in his eyes. Then him being wheeled away on the morgue trolley. Then going to see him in the chapel of rest, feeling where he had been cut open for his autopsy, putting the fathers day card under his hand which he had kept for years. Then burying him. It's all stuff I try to suppress. I imagine hugging him again and feel the pain that it's never going to happen again. I'm terrified of forgetting what he looks like and his mannerisms and character. I can't talk to B about any of it as he's preoccupied with his own things.
On the plus side, I had a great weekend with A. It was refreshing to forget about everything else and just have some girly time. Kind of therapeutic in a way. I just wish there was more I could do to help her. She's very supportive and it's great I can add another friend to my list.
I've got so much going on in my head that I'm forgetting it all. I still find the blog refreshing but I'm not sure if anyone is reading it. In which case, it's completely pointless. I set it up so my friends could see how I was feeling without me feeling like a plonker talking about it and it all coming out wrong. But saying that, I literally just type whatever comes into my head and I don't even proof read it.
It's going to be past midnight by the time I finish this post but I'm still writing for 1st February.
I guess I have a lot to get off my chest. I've just taken codeine, tramadol, diazepam and zopiclone to calm me down and get me to sleep. I was doing so well at getting to bed at a reasonable time and getting up at an ok-ish time. I was trying to train myself ready for going back to work. I was also on top on the flat tidying and cleaning. That's all gone out of the window now along with my diet. I've not given up on my diet, there are just too many temptations in the way and I've not been in contact or seen M as much. She always seems to keep me on track. So all in all, my life feels more out of control. Why can't I just be ok with that? Life in unplanned and unpredictable. I know this, yet I feel like I need to be in control of every part of it. Maybe it's something I need to bring up with my therapist but everytime I go, I forget to talk about important things I've thought about. I know I should write them down but I'd feel like a right idiot going in there and getting out a list and going through it. Just like I feel like am idiot writing all of this down on the internet for all to see.
I need guidance and reassurance from friends but since I was feeling a bit better, I think they assume that I'm just on the mend. I still have troughs where I feel as though I can't cope. They pop up randomly and unexpectedly. That's something else I can't cope with, more unpredictability I don't need. Just like endometriosis pain.
I know everyone feels like this at times but I just need a break from my own mind. It's CONSTANTLY overloaded with thoughts, mostly negative that I fight but I have no control over them popping up in the first place. Every minute of every day is a constant battle and I'm getting so tired. It's exhausting. I'm not a fighter, never have been. But I'm also not a quitter. I'm torn between quitting and fighting, as at the end of the day, that's what my life is about. At the moment I'm having no choice but to fight. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying life and everyday is a struggle. At what point do I stop fighting and quit?
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