7.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supp, 1 x adios
12.30pm
Went to weigh in at a morning group this morning as the evening group won't be running for NYE. I lost 3 lbs but this may just be that I've weighed in the morning instead of the evening. I'm surprised as I'm bloated from endometriosis. I got about 3 hours sleep due to pain and I'm still in pain today but I've refused to take the strong painkillers. Looks like the food restriction may be working. Since I've only had one meal a day for the past 3-4 days, I'm going to have porridge for lunch today and have dinner later.
I had a dream last night that I was preparing to have a binge on food. I woke up panicking and then was relieved that I was still hungry and that it was only a dream.
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
136mg codeine
100mg tramadol
alcohol
So yeah - I relapsed and overdosed on codeine. It's now 1.30am and I'm about to take more as it hasn't had the affect I've wanted. But this is in response to the new start and new year resolutions of getting better and getting off the drugs. Last night of overdosing (i say over dosing but it's not to harm myself, it's just I've built up a tolerance). I will take 3 more codeine (90mg) and some more alcohol and then that will be it. 2016 means getting my shit together.
1.30am
90mg codeine
Thursday 31 December 2015
Wednesday 30 December 2015
Diet pills begin again
12.00pm
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supplement, 1 x adios, 1 x thermosurge, 1 x fat metaboliser
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
Found out a friends mum has been hospitalised with pneumonia and a heart attack just after christmas. How awful. I'm going to offer any help I can.
Feeling more well rested and relaxed now I'm at home. Going to watch Hannibal series 3, tv, films etc since storm Frank is here and the weather is awful. Can't wait to see M this evening - a breath of fresh air.
6.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Feeling veryyyyy shakey and jittery. Not sure why. Maybe something to do with the caffeine in the diet pills? But I took them 11 hours ago? Maybe codeine withdrawal? I don't know but it's making me feel awful and my endometriosis pain has flared up. Trying to combat it with heat at the moment, trying not to take anymore drugs for it.
Found out M may not be able to join us for new years eve =( I hope for my sake and hers that she's not made to work on new years day so she can come to stay.
2 x omega 3, 1 x multivit, 1 x green tea supplement, 1 x adios, 1 x thermosurge, 1 x fat metaboliser
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
Found out a friends mum has been hospitalised with pneumonia and a heart attack just after christmas. How awful. I'm going to offer any help I can.
Feeling more well rested and relaxed now I'm at home. Going to watch Hannibal series 3, tv, films etc since storm Frank is here and the weather is awful. Can't wait to see M this evening - a breath of fresh air.
6.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
11.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Feeling veryyyyy shakey and jittery. Not sure why. Maybe something to do with the caffeine in the diet pills? But I took them 11 hours ago? Maybe codeine withdrawal? I don't know but it's making me feel awful and my endometriosis pain has flared up. Trying to combat it with heat at the moment, trying not to take anymore drugs for it.
Found out M may not be able to join us for new years eve =( I hope for my sake and hers that she's not made to work on new years day so she can come to stay.
Tuesday 29 December 2015
My niece gets engaged before I do??
9.00am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
10.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
20mg omeprazole
There's only 6 years between us but I've been with B 3 years longer. So me being me, automatically thinks there's something wrong with me. Then I think -
'Wait a minute, there is! My depression and endometriosis ruins everything, no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. He wants to give it time to see if I get better first. If I don't then I'm not a keeper.'
I'm happy for my niece, she's lovely and I love her dearly but her (now) fiance can be horrible to her. The other night I heard him calling her 'a fucking cunt'. There was a lot more that was said too in that kind of manner but I couldn't quite hear it.
I'm getting tired and grumpy. I've been averaging 400-600 cals a day for the past 3 days just to maintain control. I was going to have another bag of popcorn tonight at 64 cals and an apple but I don't want it after finding out my niece has got engaged. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that it makes me feel not good enough.
The lack of food is punishment for not being good enough. Hopefully, it'll start giving me that control to make me feel like I'm starting to be good enough.
On the other hand, I'm so glad to be home away from family. They were getting INCREDIBLY drunk every single night and I couldn't handle it anymore. After seeing a lifetime of what alcohol can do to a person and the family, it's made me realise I can't keep drinking like I do, even if it is secretly and doesn't affect anyone else. I had to stay away from them once they started drinking. They become self righteous after all the wrong they were doing and think their needs are so important while I sit silently suffering too.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
10.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
20mg omeprazole
There's only 6 years between us but I've been with B 3 years longer. So me being me, automatically thinks there's something wrong with me. Then I think -
'Wait a minute, there is! My depression and endometriosis ruins everything, no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. He wants to give it time to see if I get better first. If I don't then I'm not a keeper.'
I'm happy for my niece, she's lovely and I love her dearly but her (now) fiance can be horrible to her. The other night I heard him calling her 'a fucking cunt'. There was a lot more that was said too in that kind of manner but I couldn't quite hear it.
I'm getting tired and grumpy. I've been averaging 400-600 cals a day for the past 3 days just to maintain control. I was going to have another bag of popcorn tonight at 64 cals and an apple but I don't want it after finding out my niece has got engaged. It's not that I'm jealous, it's that it makes me feel not good enough.
The lack of food is punishment for not being good enough. Hopefully, it'll start giving me that control to make me feel like I'm starting to be good enough.
On the other hand, I'm so glad to be home away from family. They were getting INCREDIBLY drunk every single night and I couldn't handle it anymore. After seeing a lifetime of what alcohol can do to a person and the family, it's made me realise I can't keep drinking like I do, even if it is secretly and doesn't affect anyone else. I had to stay away from them once they started drinking. They become self righteous after all the wrong they were doing and think their needs are so important while I sit silently suffering too.
Monday 28 December 2015
Getting obsessional
2.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
9.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
20mg Omeprazole
Dulcoease
7.10pm
When my depression spirals out of control, I get obsessional over things. At the moment it is food and my weight. I want people to see how vulnerable I am on the outside rather than feeling like I have this clandestine issue that no one knows about. Sounds attention seeking but if I don't make it apparent some how, I'm never going to get the support and help. New years resolution is to lose weight and hopefully get down to 7 stone. Everything else in my life is chaotic, so this is something to keep me on track and focused rather than thinking about all the crap.
The past 2 days I've had one meal a day. But the calories in the alcohol will have counteracted that so that's a fail. For new year, I also want to be getting myself off codeine and diazepam and only take it when absolutely essential. Will go tits up knowing me but I need to try.
11.30pm
Everyone is so incredibly drunk and I can't tolerate them. Everything is about them and I can't stand to be around them. They go on about wanting best for their kids but how is damaging your liver, causing an ugly death going to help the kids? It's all getting out of control and if they don't sort their shit out then I want no part of it. I know I have my own issues but at least I'm trying to do something about it.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
9.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
20mg Omeprazole
Dulcoease
7.10pm
When my depression spirals out of control, I get obsessional over things. At the moment it is food and my weight. I want people to see how vulnerable I am on the outside rather than feeling like I have this clandestine issue that no one knows about. Sounds attention seeking but if I don't make it apparent some how, I'm never going to get the support and help. New years resolution is to lose weight and hopefully get down to 7 stone. Everything else in my life is chaotic, so this is something to keep me on track and focused rather than thinking about all the crap.
The past 2 days I've had one meal a day. But the calories in the alcohol will have counteracted that so that's a fail. For new year, I also want to be getting myself off codeine and diazepam and only take it when absolutely essential. Will go tits up knowing me but I need to try.
11.30pm
Everyone is so incredibly drunk and I can't tolerate them. Everything is about them and I can't stand to be around them. They go on about wanting best for their kids but how is damaging your liver, causing an ugly death going to help the kids? It's all getting out of control and if they don't sort their shit out then I want no part of it. I know I have my own issues but at least I'm trying to do something about it.
Had enough of family
2.45am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol
3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone
I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....
Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol
3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone
I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....
Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.
Sunday 27 December 2015
I hate christmas
12.00pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
4.30pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
12.10pm
Since what happened at christmas, I have been getting more and more depressed and isolating myself more and more. I am sick of the whole family constantly drinking themselves into oblivion everyday and turn into these selfish monsters. I try to stay out of the way but then they talk behind my back saying that they're worried about me. But they don't do anything to help. I just want some peace and quiet but there is just constant screaming and shouting from people playing games, which is great for them but I'm tired and ill and just want to relax. Been trying to drown it out with my earphones but people keep disturbing me.
The only control I have at the moment is food. I'm ill so don't feel much like eating but I feel nauseous from lack of food. I'm sick of being at the lodge now, I just want to go home. Even the dog isn't liking it and mum doesn't seem to be overly enjoying it. Everything is all about the rest of the family. I suggest a game, they say they want to play but then we'll get towards the end and start doing stuff they want to do to ruin the game and so I'll sit there patiently waiting to continue the game. I just have to give up and go watch a movie on my laptop or something.
The alcohol drinking and selfishness astounds me in this family. It never ends.
8.00pm
Mum made me eat. I feel like I've been stripped of control. My new years resolution is to save as much money as possible - another form of control. I've offered to help mum moving house but I'm in no fit state to do that. I don't know how to tell her. And if I don't lose 1.5lbs by Thursday, then I'm going to be really pissed off and upset. Part of me is thinking of leaving Ben, just to save him from all this hardship. He's finding things extremely difficult after leaving his job and I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough. I'm hell bent on getting some sort of control to help this depression go away. It's too much. I need to keep track of what medication I'm taking as it's getting out of control.
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
4.30pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed
12.10pm
Since what happened at christmas, I have been getting more and more depressed and isolating myself more and more. I am sick of the whole family constantly drinking themselves into oblivion everyday and turn into these selfish monsters. I try to stay out of the way but then they talk behind my back saying that they're worried about me. But they don't do anything to help. I just want some peace and quiet but there is just constant screaming and shouting from people playing games, which is great for them but I'm tired and ill and just want to relax. Been trying to drown it out with my earphones but people keep disturbing me.
The only control I have at the moment is food. I'm ill so don't feel much like eating but I feel nauseous from lack of food. I'm sick of being at the lodge now, I just want to go home. Even the dog isn't liking it and mum doesn't seem to be overly enjoying it. Everything is all about the rest of the family. I suggest a game, they say they want to play but then we'll get towards the end and start doing stuff they want to do to ruin the game and so I'll sit there patiently waiting to continue the game. I just have to give up and go watch a movie on my laptop or something.
The alcohol drinking and selfishness astounds me in this family. It never ends.
8.00pm
Mum made me eat. I feel like I've been stripped of control. My new years resolution is to save as much money as possible - another form of control. I've offered to help mum moving house but I'm in no fit state to do that. I don't know how to tell her. And if I don't lose 1.5lbs by Thursday, then I'm going to be really pissed off and upset. Part of me is thinking of leaving Ben, just to save him from all this hardship. He's finding things extremely difficult after leaving his job and I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough. I'm hell bent on getting some sort of control to help this depression go away. It's too much. I need to keep track of what medication I'm taking as it's getting out of control.
Friday 25 December 2015
Christmas is ruined
4.45am
So my niece and her boyfriend S came to the lodge today for christmas. Mum previously said that S annoys her because he doesn't 'shut up'. After a few hours of him being here and making an effort for everyone to like him, mum came out of her room and says in a malicious way: 'Can't you just keep the noise down! There's a little boy (my nephew) in there trying to sleep!'
Rather than her saying it in such a way that was gently asking people to be quieter, she said it down right maliciously. We were all shell shocked. It soon became apparent that she was trying to get to sleep but none of us knew as we were under the impression from her that she was watching tv in her room. My niece tried to knock on the door to try and sort things out but mum locked it. Then I got everyone to go outside to talk so it wouldn't disturb mum. And I took the dog for a 10 minute walk to cool off.
By the time I came back, there was a full blown argument between everyone. Mum wanted to call a taxi to get home which is over 100 miles away. I took her to the local town and paid for her to stay a night in a hotel, which she then refused to stay in. So this resulted in her coming back and staying in her room. I asked her to stay for my nephew to open his presents and then I'll drive her home and then drive myself home where I will be spending christmas alone in my flat. If mum's not happy, she has to ruin it for everyone else. I feel physically sick. Mum's snoring away, she only went to bed 10 minutes ago.
Christmas is ruined because of mum selfishness.....well that was predictable.
Merry christmas everyone.
P.S. My laptop screen got broken in the process of all this - fucking fantastic.
So my niece and her boyfriend S came to the lodge today for christmas. Mum previously said that S annoys her because he doesn't 'shut up'. After a few hours of him being here and making an effort for everyone to like him, mum came out of her room and says in a malicious way: 'Can't you just keep the noise down! There's a little boy (my nephew) in there trying to sleep!'
Rather than her saying it in such a way that was gently asking people to be quieter, she said it down right maliciously. We were all shell shocked. It soon became apparent that she was trying to get to sleep but none of us knew as we were under the impression from her that she was watching tv in her room. My niece tried to knock on the door to try and sort things out but mum locked it. Then I got everyone to go outside to talk so it wouldn't disturb mum. And I took the dog for a 10 minute walk to cool off.
By the time I came back, there was a full blown argument between everyone. Mum wanted to call a taxi to get home which is over 100 miles away. I took her to the local town and paid for her to stay a night in a hotel, which she then refused to stay in. So this resulted in her coming back and staying in her room. I asked her to stay for my nephew to open his presents and then I'll drive her home and then drive myself home where I will be spending christmas alone in my flat. If mum's not happy, she has to ruin it for everyone else. I feel physically sick. Mum's snoring away, she only went to bed 10 minutes ago.
Christmas is ruined because of mum selfishness.....well that was predictable.
Merry christmas everyone.
P.S. My laptop screen got broken in the process of all this - fucking fantastic.
Sunday 20 December 2015
Positivity through negativity
11.30pm
I've just had a lovely evening with M. Enjoyed her company as usual. Overall, I've had a good week, socialising and mingling with colleagues and friends. Usually I wouldn't have coped with this but I have and that's a break through.
However, I still feel the need to take codeine as a release and to starve myself to make myself feel better after all the food I have been eating. Doesn't help that my gastric reflux has reared it's ugly head the past few days. Not as bad though. I'm back on the slimming world diet plan which makes me feel more in control. I have seen colleagues at christmas parties and they haven't been judgemental after being signed off work. I feel slightly more secure in that I can take off the time that I need to.
I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to christmas as Dad won't be there and I've been dreaming about him a lot recently but I not thinking of it negatively. Just need to remember I'm there for my nephew and some quality family time. I'm not sure my christmas' will ever be the same now. But that's life and I have to accept it.
I know I'm not going to sleep well tonight so will take a sleeping tablet. Instead of fighting the depression now, I'm riding with it, taking the medication before I have a meltdown.
P.S. One of the rats is shoving as many rat biscuits in his mouth as he can and distributing them into their sleeping place. Very funny. I think he think's he's a hamster. He's fat and lazy so I'm assuming it'll be so he doesn't have to get out of bed for a midnight snack.
I've just had a lovely evening with M. Enjoyed her company as usual. Overall, I've had a good week, socialising and mingling with colleagues and friends. Usually I wouldn't have coped with this but I have and that's a break through.
However, I still feel the need to take codeine as a release and to starve myself to make myself feel better after all the food I have been eating. Doesn't help that my gastric reflux has reared it's ugly head the past few days. Not as bad though. I'm back on the slimming world diet plan which makes me feel more in control. I have seen colleagues at christmas parties and they haven't been judgemental after being signed off work. I feel slightly more secure in that I can take off the time that I need to.
I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to christmas as Dad won't be there and I've been dreaming about him a lot recently but I not thinking of it negatively. Just need to remember I'm there for my nephew and some quality family time. I'm not sure my christmas' will ever be the same now. But that's life and I have to accept it.
I know I'm not going to sleep well tonight so will take a sleeping tablet. Instead of fighting the depression now, I'm riding with it, taking the medication before I have a meltdown.
P.S. One of the rats is shoving as many rat biscuits in his mouth as he can and distributing them into their sleeping place. Very funny. I think he think's he's a hamster. He's fat and lazy so I'm assuming it'll be so he doesn't have to get out of bed for a midnight snack.
Friday 18 December 2015
It's beginning to look a lot like christmas....
8.30pm
Tuesday - Meal out with a friend
Wednesday - work christmas meal
Thursday - Slimming World christmas meal
Friday - Work christmas lunch followed by a close colleague/friend social gathering with gift exchanges.
Although we have no christmas decorations in the flat, I have hung the cards up and after all the festivities recently, I'm starting to feel more festive. I've been using CBT techniques to try and remain positive. I've enjoyed the busy week even though usually I would have dreaded it.
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow evening. I've eaten so much today, I'm determined to spend the rest of the week focussing on the weightloss and I'm aiming for 1.5lbs to reach 1 stone.
Tuesday - Meal out with a friend
Wednesday - work christmas meal
Thursday - Slimming World christmas meal
Friday - Work christmas lunch followed by a close colleague/friend social gathering with gift exchanges.
Although we have no christmas decorations in the flat, I have hung the cards up and after all the festivities recently, I'm starting to feel more festive. I've been using CBT techniques to try and remain positive. I've enjoyed the busy week even though usually I would have dreaded it.
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow evening. I've eaten so much today, I'm determined to spend the rest of the week focussing on the weightloss and I'm aiming for 1.5lbs to reach 1 stone.
Disappointed weightloss
12.05am
I went to slimming world tonight and after losing 0.5lbs, I am really disappointed after my best friend lost 3 lbs after eating a lot this week. I know she has more to lose and I don't blame her at all but I feel disappointed after I didn't eat all day to try and see a bigger difference on the scale. It's not surprising after the all the christmas meal's out but I would have expected a bit of a different change.
On the other hand, my CBT therapist has decided that I've improved enough over the past couple of weeks that I can carry on with CBT with another therapist while she goes on maternity leave. It's not her fault she's leaving but I feel disappointed as now I have to give my story to another therapist and go through the process of trust and adjusting again in therapy. I'm more disappointed in that I'm losing a good therapist that was good for me.
After the family dispute, we seem to be going to The Lodge for christmas now but I have a feeling that after a few drinks which my mum and sister seem to enjoy every night, there will be a dispute while we're there. I'm really worried about this and it plays on my mind everyday. I've asked for my sister's help with my mental health but she hasn't given it. I feel let down and disappointed. Mum, on the other hand, has been wonderful and really stepped up to the mothering role. I've never had this experience before so it moved me to tears. This is the first time where I feel like the child that is supported rather than being the one that has supported my mum.
I'm hoping to soon start seeing my best friend twice a week and she feels like therapy to me. But I don't want her feeling used. I worry I'm putting too much pressure on her. And R has been incredibly supportive which I didn't expect. He's warmed my heart in a way and restored my faith in humanity a little. M has just been there constantly. I lucky to have these two. And I'm lucky to have B although he has been severely testing my patience recently. I feel like I've been going out of my way to help him such as getting up at 6.30am to run his bath and help him get ready for work but then doing a couple of small things I asked of him were too much and didn't do it. One of which he said he forgot so will give him the benefit of the doubt. Generally, even though he's been there now and again, I don't feel like I've been given the support I need. But I understand he has his own problems that he's wrapped up in and I help where I can. But with his memory, he forgets everything I do for him and thinks I don't do much as a result, whereas I've put myself out so much that I feel miserable. This is hard to convey to my best friends as they aren't here to see it. I've done the entire christmas shopping AGAIN this year. But I've refused to do his family again. I've left that to him and he hasn't started. I worry that they will think little of me because I haven't ensured it's been done. But I need to give him SOME sort of responsibility.
My lovely rats are keeping my spirits up when they're awake. They sleep so much! Too much in my opinion =P Unfortunately, because I've been feeding them too many treats, they've become a bit fat so I have to limit their diet, therefore, they are less interested in me. Such are animals but I love them. It's one thing I am selfish about, I need them in my life to help me function.
I'm trying to establish a routine now I'm off work since work provided the routine before. It has gone OK the past couple nights but tonight has gone out the window since I'm writing the blog to get everything out of my system. I've done well the past couple of days and it's made a difference. I've made more progress and slowly started cleaning the flat, paying bills and chores since it is all down to me. B would rather sit at his laptop or xbox and get drunk than help me out. I can understand this because he works long days but the odd 30 mins here and there would help a lot. He's been really difficult recently, challenging everything I say. Bottling things up causes my depression but if I express my emotions to B, it's a constant battle so I have to bottle it all. I will give it until New Year and hope things change. I feel really lonely when it comes to B, but I don't want to put pressure on him.
12.50am
I'm starting to feel panicky so I'm going to take 10mg Diazepam and hope for the best. It's usually having a good night and forgetting reality that triggers the panicky feeling. But the more good nights I have, hopefully the less panicky I will feel afterwards. The reason for this is that every time I went out to the local park or went to a party as a teenager, EVERY SINGLE TIME I went home, there would be insane domestic violence between my parents. Before, I saw it as bad luck that everytime I was happy, there was a balance and that I had to be unhappy in some way and this would happen. But now I realise it was probably because me not being in the house meant that my parents felt free to be as violent as they wanted to be. But for years I felt like I had deserved it. I felt like I deserved to be unhappy and this is why it was happening. Everytime I had a good time, to balance it out, I had to be depressed. At this moment in time, it's very hard to come to terms with as I believed this for so many years.
Right now, I don't feel worthy to be loved. But I have to let my CBT kick in and realise it's just circumstance. Times are hard at times and sometimes it's not my fault. I just fear that CBT will be drilled in to me so much that I may not be able to admit blame that is mine and say sorry. CBT can only do so much. I need B and my best friends there to fill in the other 167 hours of the week. And as most of my melt downs happen after 11pm, everyone is in bed and aren't awake when I need them most. But I do appreciate this as they have their own lives to lead. So last week I took it upon myself to ring the CRISIS team. But their response was 'I don't know what else to suggest'. This didn't help.
I still feel so incredibly alone because what I'm going through isn't what anyone else is experiencing. I don't blame them in any way at all. But I just want to feel normal. I went for dinner with L on Tuesday and she was a massive help. She's knows exactly what I'm going through and gave me some advice. For the first time (after talking about my feelings), I came away feeling better, rather than wishing I could crawl under a rock. Thank you L! Your words keep resounding in my head. I appreciate it more than you know. And I hope this gives you an ego boost. You deserve it <3
If you're a dog lover, watch this. It cheered me up
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3327352/Hilarious-pictures-dogs-no-concept-personal-space.html
2.45am
I can't believe it's this time and I'm sat watching Justin Bieber complete a rubik's cube with James Corden in a car while listening to his own records.....bizarre. What has my life come to???
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx06c0ZEBMk
3.30am
It's 3.30am and I feel depressed and alone with no one to talk to. I've taken 10mg diazepam which has kicked in but not helped. I feel really tearful and no one can help. This is constantly my life right now. I'm fed up of it.
I went to slimming world tonight and after losing 0.5lbs, I am really disappointed after my best friend lost 3 lbs after eating a lot this week. I know she has more to lose and I don't blame her at all but I feel disappointed after I didn't eat all day to try and see a bigger difference on the scale. It's not surprising after the all the christmas meal's out but I would have expected a bit of a different change.
On the other hand, my CBT therapist has decided that I've improved enough over the past couple of weeks that I can carry on with CBT with another therapist while she goes on maternity leave. It's not her fault she's leaving but I feel disappointed as now I have to give my story to another therapist and go through the process of trust and adjusting again in therapy. I'm more disappointed in that I'm losing a good therapist that was good for me.
After the family dispute, we seem to be going to The Lodge for christmas now but I have a feeling that after a few drinks which my mum and sister seem to enjoy every night, there will be a dispute while we're there. I'm really worried about this and it plays on my mind everyday. I've asked for my sister's help with my mental health but she hasn't given it. I feel let down and disappointed. Mum, on the other hand, has been wonderful and really stepped up to the mothering role. I've never had this experience before so it moved me to tears. This is the first time where I feel like the child that is supported rather than being the one that has supported my mum.
I'm hoping to soon start seeing my best friend twice a week and she feels like therapy to me. But I don't want her feeling used. I worry I'm putting too much pressure on her. And R has been incredibly supportive which I didn't expect. He's warmed my heart in a way and restored my faith in humanity a little. M has just been there constantly. I lucky to have these two. And I'm lucky to have B although he has been severely testing my patience recently. I feel like I've been going out of my way to help him such as getting up at 6.30am to run his bath and help him get ready for work but then doing a couple of small things I asked of him were too much and didn't do it. One of which he said he forgot so will give him the benefit of the doubt. Generally, even though he's been there now and again, I don't feel like I've been given the support I need. But I understand he has his own problems that he's wrapped up in and I help where I can. But with his memory, he forgets everything I do for him and thinks I don't do much as a result, whereas I've put myself out so much that I feel miserable. This is hard to convey to my best friends as they aren't here to see it. I've done the entire christmas shopping AGAIN this year. But I've refused to do his family again. I've left that to him and he hasn't started. I worry that they will think little of me because I haven't ensured it's been done. But I need to give him SOME sort of responsibility.
My lovely rats are keeping my spirits up when they're awake. They sleep so much! Too much in my opinion =P Unfortunately, because I've been feeding them too many treats, they've become a bit fat so I have to limit their diet, therefore, they are less interested in me. Such are animals but I love them. It's one thing I am selfish about, I need them in my life to help me function.
I'm trying to establish a routine now I'm off work since work provided the routine before. It has gone OK the past couple nights but tonight has gone out the window since I'm writing the blog to get everything out of my system. I've done well the past couple of days and it's made a difference. I've made more progress and slowly started cleaning the flat, paying bills and chores since it is all down to me. B would rather sit at his laptop or xbox and get drunk than help me out. I can understand this because he works long days but the odd 30 mins here and there would help a lot. He's been really difficult recently, challenging everything I say. Bottling things up causes my depression but if I express my emotions to B, it's a constant battle so I have to bottle it all. I will give it until New Year and hope things change. I feel really lonely when it comes to B, but I don't want to put pressure on him.
12.50am
I'm starting to feel panicky so I'm going to take 10mg Diazepam and hope for the best. It's usually having a good night and forgetting reality that triggers the panicky feeling. But the more good nights I have, hopefully the less panicky I will feel afterwards. The reason for this is that every time I went out to the local park or went to a party as a teenager, EVERY SINGLE TIME I went home, there would be insane domestic violence between my parents. Before, I saw it as bad luck that everytime I was happy, there was a balance and that I had to be unhappy in some way and this would happen. But now I realise it was probably because me not being in the house meant that my parents felt free to be as violent as they wanted to be. But for years I felt like I had deserved it. I felt like I deserved to be unhappy and this is why it was happening. Everytime I had a good time, to balance it out, I had to be depressed. At this moment in time, it's very hard to come to terms with as I believed this for so many years.
Right now, I don't feel worthy to be loved. But I have to let my CBT kick in and realise it's just circumstance. Times are hard at times and sometimes it's not my fault. I just fear that CBT will be drilled in to me so much that I may not be able to admit blame that is mine and say sorry. CBT can only do so much. I need B and my best friends there to fill in the other 167 hours of the week. And as most of my melt downs happen after 11pm, everyone is in bed and aren't awake when I need them most. But I do appreciate this as they have their own lives to lead. So last week I took it upon myself to ring the CRISIS team. But their response was 'I don't know what else to suggest'. This didn't help.
I still feel so incredibly alone because what I'm going through isn't what anyone else is experiencing. I don't blame them in any way at all. But I just want to feel normal. I went for dinner with L on Tuesday and she was a massive help. She's knows exactly what I'm going through and gave me some advice. For the first time (after talking about my feelings), I came away feeling better, rather than wishing I could crawl under a rock. Thank you L! Your words keep resounding in my head. I appreciate it more than you know. And I hope this gives you an ego boost. You deserve it <3
If you're a dog lover, watch this. It cheered me up
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3327352/Hilarious-pictures-dogs-no-concept-personal-space.html
2.45am
I can't believe it's this time and I'm sat watching Justin Bieber complete a rubik's cube with James Corden in a car while listening to his own records.....bizarre. What has my life come to???
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx06c0ZEBMk
3.30am
It's 3.30am and I feel depressed and alone with no one to talk to. I've taken 10mg diazepam which has kicked in but not helped. I feel really tearful and no one can help. This is constantly my life right now. I'm fed up of it.
Saturday 12 December 2015
A lot to say
2.00am
So I have a lot to say at 2am and what better time to tell it all when I've had 4 shots of spirits in the space of 1-2 hours which is a lot for me. Time for honesty I guess.
So much has been going on in the past 24 hours but I will summarise it the best I can. So yesterday I mentioned about the whole 'Lodge' issue with my mum not coping with the cat coming too. Tonight it escalated to my sister being pissed (both emotionally and with alcohol) and saying some awful things to me and mum (when it's not even my fault). I felt incredibly hurt by that and by the situation in that it leads to mum spending christmas on her own and me spending christmas on my own in my flat 40 miles away from mum. The reason for this is that I cannot bear to spend christmas in the same room that dad died in. I'd rather spend christmas alone (my boyfriend B is going to spend christmas with his family).
I've just lost of track of where I was going with this as the rats just spilt the contents of B's glass of red wine all over the floor of a carpet we'll end up having to pay for to the landlord. B should know better that to leave a glass of wine on the windowsill.
Anyway.... My sister has been acting like a complete child saying:
'For suck sake, this is absolutely pathetic. I cannot believe it has come to this. Right, we will leave cat at home and pick So and Si (my neice and her boyfriend) up and that way we can feed the cat. The dog is fine and the cat (the insignificant one) will have to make do. Happy Christmas one and all. The season of goodwill!!!'
She is unwilling to see anyone else's point of view. It's not that mum just doesn't want the cat there, it's just that it has a horrible psychological effect on mum as the dog is constantly wanting to eat the cat and it puts mum on edge. Therefore she will not be able to enjoy christmas. I'm in no way saying the cat should stay at home, I'm all for the cat coming but Mum and my sister hadn't even discussed to come to some compromise as they're not considerate to anyone else. They're so similar in that respect but they themselves cannot see it as they are too stubborn. It breaks my heart. I spend my entire life trying to make everyone else happy but all the rest of the family do is do what's best for themselves. I'm unable to do that and it saddens me to the core as all my effort on others is wasted. What's the point in me living if no one appreciates that I try my best for everyone else and the reason I'm battling severe depression now is because I never put myself first. But if I do put myself first then I run the risk of losing family.
It doesn't help that on wednesday, I found out that next week is my last week of CBT as my therapist is going on maternity leave. My options now are being transferred to the Psychological Assessment Team who are unlikely to decide I would benefit from a different form of treatment (in which case I will be on a waiting list of a year) or to carry on CBT with another therapist and go over everything I have spent 12 weeks going over with my current therapist, wait for CBT in the future and start from scratch or try depression counselling. I feel completely lost. CBT was just starting to help in the last couple of weeks and now it's been put all up in the air and I have no idea what's going to happen. I can't stop therapy as I will relapse and I have told my therapist this. I feel so let down that I'm seriously considering ending my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I barely eat or binge eat, I can't work, I'm struggling to hold down a relationship. I wish I was dead. This pain is too much to handle, even after 4 shots and 20mg diazepam. I feel like doing something stupid. I feel completely broken.
However, I have to give credit to B who has provided a hug when needed but he's been working so hard, I barely see him as he's sleeping alot. R has been amazing even though he's 120 miles away. He's provided as much support as he can. And M has been fantastic, she's my voice of reason. But still now, at 2.30am, I feel so lonely as there is no one to talk to, I'm having a massive break down and want to end my life.
I'm sick of living this way. Something needs to change. I've put others first so much but not been put first myself very often. Maybe I should put myself first and do what I want to do and end my life. I've had enough. I don't want to live anymore.
3.45am
I rang the CRISIS team as I couldn't cope. They couldn't offer much help. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. M and B are next door but I can't bear to wake them. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I fucking hate my life. I want to feel numb but I have nothing to make me feel that way. Can anyone help me with that?
9.25pm
I'm still as depressed, spent another half the day crying. Had 3 hours sleep so went back to bed this afternoon. I'm so tired of life. I feel the impulsive need to get control back. So I've started controlling my food intake again. Yesterday I binged and ended up at nearly 2000 calories. Today, just 700. And I have promised myself that I will exercise more. Lots of walking tomorrow with shopping and I'm going to go climbing on Monday. I'm really excited to be spending the day with my best friend R. I'm hoping it will distract me from the reality of everything. Yesterday's situation isn't really better. My sister is still making things extremely difficult and still hates me for it when it's not my fault. It's mum that doesn't want the cat there, not me. But she needs to be angry at everyone else to make herself feel better I guess. Mum has been really supportive and said she'll give in to the cat being there for the sake of the family but my sister is still making a huge problem out of it. It's all gotten out of hand because 2 adults threw their toys out the pram. Food is all I have control over now. It's not a weight issue, it's a control issue. Everything revolves around Jo, she doesn't care how I feel so maybe if she see's how depressed I am via weightloss, she may give a damn.
So I have a lot to say at 2am and what better time to tell it all when I've had 4 shots of spirits in the space of 1-2 hours which is a lot for me. Time for honesty I guess.
So much has been going on in the past 24 hours but I will summarise it the best I can. So yesterday I mentioned about the whole 'Lodge' issue with my mum not coping with the cat coming too. Tonight it escalated to my sister being pissed (both emotionally and with alcohol) and saying some awful things to me and mum (when it's not even my fault). I felt incredibly hurt by that and by the situation in that it leads to mum spending christmas on her own and me spending christmas on my own in my flat 40 miles away from mum. The reason for this is that I cannot bear to spend christmas in the same room that dad died in. I'd rather spend christmas alone (my boyfriend B is going to spend christmas with his family).
I've just lost of track of where I was going with this as the rats just spilt the contents of B's glass of red wine all over the floor of a carpet we'll end up having to pay for to the landlord. B should know better that to leave a glass of wine on the windowsill.
Anyway.... My sister has been acting like a complete child saying:
'For suck sake, this is absolutely pathetic. I cannot believe it has come to this. Right, we will leave cat at home and pick So and Si (my neice and her boyfriend) up and that way we can feed the cat. The dog is fine and the cat (the insignificant one) will have to make do. Happy Christmas one and all. The season of goodwill!!!'
She is unwilling to see anyone else's point of view. It's not that mum just doesn't want the cat there, it's just that it has a horrible psychological effect on mum as the dog is constantly wanting to eat the cat and it puts mum on edge. Therefore she will not be able to enjoy christmas. I'm in no way saying the cat should stay at home, I'm all for the cat coming but Mum and my sister hadn't even discussed to come to some compromise as they're not considerate to anyone else. They're so similar in that respect but they themselves cannot see it as they are too stubborn. It breaks my heart. I spend my entire life trying to make everyone else happy but all the rest of the family do is do what's best for themselves. I'm unable to do that and it saddens me to the core as all my effort on others is wasted. What's the point in me living if no one appreciates that I try my best for everyone else and the reason I'm battling severe depression now is because I never put myself first. But if I do put myself first then I run the risk of losing family.
It doesn't help that on wednesday, I found out that next week is my last week of CBT as my therapist is going on maternity leave. My options now are being transferred to the Psychological Assessment Team who are unlikely to decide I would benefit from a different form of treatment (in which case I will be on a waiting list of a year) or to carry on CBT with another therapist and go over everything I have spent 12 weeks going over with my current therapist, wait for CBT in the future and start from scratch or try depression counselling. I feel completely lost. CBT was just starting to help in the last couple of weeks and now it's been put all up in the air and I have no idea what's going to happen. I can't stop therapy as I will relapse and I have told my therapist this. I feel so let down that I'm seriously considering ending my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I barely eat or binge eat, I can't work, I'm struggling to hold down a relationship. I wish I was dead. This pain is too much to handle, even after 4 shots and 20mg diazepam. I feel like doing something stupid. I feel completely broken.
However, I have to give credit to B who has provided a hug when needed but he's been working so hard, I barely see him as he's sleeping alot. R has been amazing even though he's 120 miles away. He's provided as much support as he can. And M has been fantastic, she's my voice of reason. But still now, at 2.30am, I feel so lonely as there is no one to talk to, I'm having a massive break down and want to end my life.
I'm sick of living this way. Something needs to change. I've put others first so much but not been put first myself very often. Maybe I should put myself first and do what I want to do and end my life. I've had enough. I don't want to live anymore.
3.45am
I rang the CRISIS team as I couldn't cope. They couldn't offer much help. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. M and B are next door but I can't bear to wake them. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I fucking hate my life. I want to feel numb but I have nothing to make me feel that way. Can anyone help me with that?
9.25pm
I'm still as depressed, spent another half the day crying. Had 3 hours sleep so went back to bed this afternoon. I'm so tired of life. I feel the impulsive need to get control back. So I've started controlling my food intake again. Yesterday I binged and ended up at nearly 2000 calories. Today, just 700. And I have promised myself that I will exercise more. Lots of walking tomorrow with shopping and I'm going to go climbing on Monday. I'm really excited to be spending the day with my best friend R. I'm hoping it will distract me from the reality of everything. Yesterday's situation isn't really better. My sister is still making things extremely difficult and still hates me for it when it's not my fault. It's mum that doesn't want the cat there, not me. But she needs to be angry at everyone else to make herself feel better I guess. Mum has been really supportive and said she'll give in to the cat being there for the sake of the family but my sister is still making a huge problem out of it. It's all gotten out of hand because 2 adults threw their toys out the pram. Food is all I have control over now. It's not a weight issue, it's a control issue. Everything revolves around Jo, she doesn't care how I feel so maybe if she see's how depressed I am via weightloss, she may give a damn.
Friday 11 December 2015
Christmas is ruined
12.10am
Last year, my family and myself spent a week in a rented lodge over christmas. Everyone was the happiest I had ever seen them and we made such amazing memories. It was the happiest I had seen dad in a long time and so I have fond memories of being there with dad for my last christmas with him. So this year the lodge has been booked again (was booked before dad died and he was so looking forward to going). Unfortunately he won't be with us this year but I was comforted by the fact we were going back to somewhere where we had such amazing memories.
Mum has ruined all of that now. She sent a text to say that my sister is bringing her cat for christmas. The dog and the cat don't get along and it severely annoys mum to the point where she cannot cope with it. So now she is refusing to go to the lodge. So we're at home for christmas in the same room where dad died, rather than spending it at the lodge where we have so many good memories.
I feel so disheartened. I'd rather spend christmas alone than not be at the lodge. I am in floods of tears, I am so upset. I suffer with severe anxiety but I'm not selfish enough to let it get in the way of other people. Everything is always about mum.
The situation could easily be resolved by my sister agreeing to leave the cat at home. When I expressed my concerns about Skye being looked after properly, my sister agreed with mum in that Skye is 'just a dog' and has no rights. But she'll be to stubborn to allow her opinion that Tilly is 'just a cat' who will be fine on her own for a week with plenty of food and water put out for her, plus she has a cat flap. It all rides on whether my sister is going to be her stubborn self or try to help out the family. I can see this will be causing a family rift which I really don't need at this time of year. She'll complain that if my rats and the dog is there, it is unfair to exclude the cat. But the dog and the rats get along, but the cat gets along with neither the dog or the rats. I hope my sister makes the right choice for the family. If not, I'm spending christmas on my own. And if no one else is going, me, Skye and the rats will stay in the lodge on our own for christmas.
I shouldn't have to be this upset over christmas when it's going to be hard enough as it is. I seriously feel like self harming (which I know is stupid and seems attention seeking) but I don't know what other release there is. I've already taken 15mg diazepam over the space of 6 hours and a sleeping tablet that has not yet kicked in. I'm hurting so much, I need a hug and there's no one around to hug and give a shoulder to cry on.
3.30am
It's 3.30am and I'm still not asleep. I feel like such a failure that I fail to keep a routine in my life to get through chores. Instead, I will be asleep until at least 12pm, wasting a huge portion of the day. I'm sick of living like this. I need routine and normality.
Last year, my family and myself spent a week in a rented lodge over christmas. Everyone was the happiest I had ever seen them and we made such amazing memories. It was the happiest I had seen dad in a long time and so I have fond memories of being there with dad for my last christmas with him. So this year the lodge has been booked again (was booked before dad died and he was so looking forward to going). Unfortunately he won't be with us this year but I was comforted by the fact we were going back to somewhere where we had such amazing memories.
Mum has ruined all of that now. She sent a text to say that my sister is bringing her cat for christmas. The dog and the cat don't get along and it severely annoys mum to the point where she cannot cope with it. So now she is refusing to go to the lodge. So we're at home for christmas in the same room where dad died, rather than spending it at the lodge where we have so many good memories.
I feel so disheartened. I'd rather spend christmas alone than not be at the lodge. I am in floods of tears, I am so upset. I suffer with severe anxiety but I'm not selfish enough to let it get in the way of other people. Everything is always about mum.
The situation could easily be resolved by my sister agreeing to leave the cat at home. When I expressed my concerns about Skye being looked after properly, my sister agreed with mum in that Skye is 'just a dog' and has no rights. But she'll be to stubborn to allow her opinion that Tilly is 'just a cat' who will be fine on her own for a week with plenty of food and water put out for her, plus she has a cat flap. It all rides on whether my sister is going to be her stubborn self or try to help out the family. I can see this will be causing a family rift which I really don't need at this time of year. She'll complain that if my rats and the dog is there, it is unfair to exclude the cat. But the dog and the rats get along, but the cat gets along with neither the dog or the rats. I hope my sister makes the right choice for the family. If not, I'm spending christmas on my own. And if no one else is going, me, Skye and the rats will stay in the lodge on our own for christmas.
I shouldn't have to be this upset over christmas when it's going to be hard enough as it is. I seriously feel like self harming (which I know is stupid and seems attention seeking) but I don't know what other release there is. I've already taken 15mg diazepam over the space of 6 hours and a sleeping tablet that has not yet kicked in. I'm hurting so much, I need a hug and there's no one around to hug and give a shoulder to cry on.
3.30am
It's 3.30am and I'm still not asleep. I feel like such a failure that I fail to keep a routine in my life to get through chores. Instead, I will be asleep until at least 12pm, wasting a huge portion of the day. I'm sick of living like this. I need routine and normality.
Monday 7 December 2015
Feeling fat
11.40pm
I mentioned before that I went through a phase of starving myself as a form of control and to lose weight. My depression is getting worse and with that, my control over food usually ensues. I feel so fat, I'm restricting the amount of food I'm eating and finding it relatively easy to distract myself from hunger. I need to be thinner. I don't want to be anorexic or emaciated and I don't have an eating disorder but it's still self destructive behaviour. But I need to hold on to the weightloss. I need to hold on to something.
When I get like this, I go on to the 'myproana' website alot. It's designed to be a forum of support for eating disorders but it helps fuel my thinking that I'm too fat and need to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
It also fuels my anxiety. At the moment, I worry about everything. The hardest thing with depression, anxiety and endometriosis is that it's very unpredictable and if you have something planned, it may be that I don't feel up to doing it and have to force myself. This heightens the anxiety further. Like this weekend, I have committed to seeing my friend in a different city but I don't know how bad I will be feeling that day even if I'm looking forward to it now. If I don't feel up to something that is planned, I force myself to do it because I don't want to let people down. This gets me down and then I don't enjoy it but put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine.
I want to be able to feel comfortable having plans and not worry about if I'll be in pain or feeling depressed. No one knows how difficult this makes my life. I feel trapped in this cycle. I can't look forward to anything because I worry about it. One exception to this is going to the Lodge for christmas. Only 2 weeks to go.
I mentioned before that I went through a phase of starving myself as a form of control and to lose weight. My depression is getting worse and with that, my control over food usually ensues. I feel so fat, I'm restricting the amount of food I'm eating and finding it relatively easy to distract myself from hunger. I need to be thinner. I don't want to be anorexic or emaciated and I don't have an eating disorder but it's still self destructive behaviour. But I need to hold on to the weightloss. I need to hold on to something.
When I get like this, I go on to the 'myproana' website alot. It's designed to be a forum of support for eating disorders but it helps fuel my thinking that I'm too fat and need to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
It also fuels my anxiety. At the moment, I worry about everything. The hardest thing with depression, anxiety and endometriosis is that it's very unpredictable and if you have something planned, it may be that I don't feel up to doing it and have to force myself. This heightens the anxiety further. Like this weekend, I have committed to seeing my friend in a different city but I don't know how bad I will be feeling that day even if I'm looking forward to it now. If I don't feel up to something that is planned, I force myself to do it because I don't want to let people down. This gets me down and then I don't enjoy it but put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine.
I want to be able to feel comfortable having plans and not worry about if I'll be in pain or feeling depressed. No one knows how difficult this makes my life. I feel trapped in this cycle. I can't look forward to anything because I worry about it. One exception to this is going to the Lodge for christmas. Only 2 weeks to go.
Meltdowns - PLEASE READ
12.50am
So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):
So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):
- I feel that all control over my life is lost.
- I'd rather die than live with this pain (hence I don't think twice about taking all these drugs and alcohol).
- The last time I saw dad alive was on Father's Day, when we had an altercation over something unreasonable he said.
- My heart and the pit of my stomach feel pain, but it's not physical. It feels like it wants to be ripped out.
- I feel hopeless and helpless. No one can help me and there's no hope of a better life. It sounds materialistic but money makes life easier. I don't have that. I don't want to be rich, I just want to live comfortably. Dad wanted that for me. If he had lived a month longer, I would have had a £10000 pay out. I would be living comfortably with a mortgage. I don't blame him in the slightest for that though, It was just misfortune.
- Dad was very supportive of all the things in my life that he thought were positive. Although I had a very abusive childhood from him due to alcohol, I couldn't fault him as a father in the past few years that he was alive. He made up for all the bad things that happened. I couldn't fault him apart from that last Father's Day. I feel I was robbed of that Father-Daughter relationship that I had never had before the few years prior to his death. At 25, I was too young to have lost my father who finally stepped up to how I thought a father should be.
- He wasn't boring. He was such a character that even his cardiac nurse decided to make a case study on him. He's not an ordinary man that is easy to forget. Yes, he moaned all the time about things that he had no control over (so to me seemed like a waste of breath) but they were important to him so I always took the time to listen.
- In the past few years, I went from resenting him to loving him dearly. I loved him dearly for such a short time and then it was stripped from me. I did everything I could for him in his last couple of years but it wasn't enough. He died on the phone to me and I couldn't even recognise that. Even though it is very unlikely, I still feel like there was a chance I could have saved him.
- The complexity of all this is difficult for someone like me who may not be academically intelligent but socially intelligent. I am extremely good at reading people. I was the toddler cowering in the corner, waiting for something to happen while the domestic abuse happened every single night of my life until I left home. As my counsellor called me.....'the little professor'. It's why I'm so reserved and great at picking my friends. I judge what everyone does. Now I realise it's to judge whether I am likely to be hurt by it. I've been deeply hurt by Ryan and Charlotte but I knew that would come. Doesn't make it hurt any less. For those I call my best friends now, in particular B, R and M, you are lucky to survive my choosing of friends, I don't take it lightly after all the hurt I've been though in my life; Domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, violence, verbal abuse, mental abuse - every single day of my life. Inescapable. No one to turn to. My best friends didn't even know. The first person I told was my first boyfriend Ryan at 16 years old. He made me feel like I was over-reacting. Easy to say when he grew up in the 'perfect' middle class, stable parent household. It made me feel worthless, just like I do now. I even got bullied for being 'miserable' by my best friends at 14 years old even though I was suffering from depression (not that I was going to tell them). They had no idea what I was going through every day of my entire life and they made my life even more miserable. I ended up having to change friends group but that didn't stop them.
Looking at my past and present, I see nothing worth living for. I have spent my whole life trying to give to other people, make their lives better but what is there for me? I really appreciate all my friends do for me but sometimes when I'm alone, it doesn't feel enough, and that makes me feel attention seeking. It's not their fault they can't be there 24/7 to give me the hug and the shoulder to cry on when I've hit the bottomless pit of depression.
I feel as though depression is something brought from hell and therefore all that is left for me is hell. I do my best for everyone around me but it's not good enough. I NEED STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET IT! There isn't the funding for resources out there that I need, CBT is helping a little and my therapist is much better than the last one by taking a more gentle approach and explaining things in detail.
The thing is, I don't even know if having my friends rallying around me will help. I feel so selfish being wrapped up in myself. But putting everyone else first all the time has put me in this position. What am I supposed to do? Be selfish (which I fucking hate) or make time for others which creates satisfaction for me but doesn't help me long term.
My problem is that I'm too giving. My counsellor said it was because I was always trying to win my parents affection so that they wouldn't have an alcohol fueled domestic argument and fight that night (in which at 6 years old, would have to get involved when the knives were pulled out).
I feel completely lost on this planet. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Even with regards to my loved ones, They'd be better off without me.
I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.
I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.
THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG OF MY MELTDOWNS. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS THAT LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING.
Sunday 6 December 2015
Friends make the world go around
11.30am
Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.
I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.
But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.
I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.
Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.
I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.
But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.
I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.
Saturday 5 December 2015
Withdrawal.....again
11.30am
Opiate withdrawal sucks. I can have anything up to 500mg codeine a day and I've had about 130mg since Tuesday (around 45mg a day). I'm trying to taper myself off but I'm still withdrawing. I am so tired today from insomnia last night. I don't feel like doing anything today but I have the responsibility of walking the dog and getting the shopping. I just feel completely drained.
I have next week off sick and I'm going to get the following week (last week of term) off too. But that means I miss out on 2 work christmas meals. Kind of feel like it's discrimination because if I had a broken leg, they would allow me to come along but because it's mental health, they won't let me.
I'm thinking the medications may have damaged my liver or gall bladder as I get daily pain in that area and the doctor indicated I could have something wrong with my gall bladder after the acid reflux.
I had my appointment yesterday with the consultant about my endometriosis surgery. I have to have hormone blocker injections for 3 months before so it's going to worsen my depression for that time. I'm gutted. All this hard work I'm putting in now may be for nothing when I go back down hill in those 3 months. And then after that, I have to recover from surgery, possibly a bowel resection and if I'm unlucky, I will have to have a stoma fitted. I have a creepy consultant too, he keeps staring at my chest so I zipped my fleece up to my neck. Turns out, he's the one doing the surgery. I'll be naked and I can just see him taking a sneaky peek under the operating cloth. Not only that, he'll have access to my downstairs region! Every time I sit in the waiting room to see the consultant, everyone is always there with their partners. I'm always sat alone and it makes me feel lonely. People look at me as if they feel sorry for me because they think I'm pregnant with no father around or that I got pregnant from a one night stand. (The waiting room is also for prenatal women).
Opiate withdrawal sucks. I can have anything up to 500mg codeine a day and I've had about 130mg since Tuesday (around 45mg a day). I'm trying to taper myself off but I'm still withdrawing. I am so tired today from insomnia last night. I don't feel like doing anything today but I have the responsibility of walking the dog and getting the shopping. I just feel completely drained.
I have next week off sick and I'm going to get the following week (last week of term) off too. But that means I miss out on 2 work christmas meals. Kind of feel like it's discrimination because if I had a broken leg, they would allow me to come along but because it's mental health, they won't let me.
I'm thinking the medications may have damaged my liver or gall bladder as I get daily pain in that area and the doctor indicated I could have something wrong with my gall bladder after the acid reflux.
I had my appointment yesterday with the consultant about my endometriosis surgery. I have to have hormone blocker injections for 3 months before so it's going to worsen my depression for that time. I'm gutted. All this hard work I'm putting in now may be for nothing when I go back down hill in those 3 months. And then after that, I have to recover from surgery, possibly a bowel resection and if I'm unlucky, I will have to have a stoma fitted. I have a creepy consultant too, he keeps staring at my chest so I zipped my fleece up to my neck. Turns out, he's the one doing the surgery. I'll be naked and I can just see him taking a sneaky peek under the operating cloth. Not only that, he'll have access to my downstairs region! Every time I sit in the waiting room to see the consultant, everyone is always there with their partners. I'm always sat alone and it makes me feel lonely. People look at me as if they feel sorry for me because they think I'm pregnant with no father around or that I got pregnant from a one night stand. (The waiting room is also for prenatal women).
Tuesday 1 December 2015
Slow start
1.45pm
I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.
Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.
Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.
So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.
I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.
Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.
3.20pm
I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it.
Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.
10.15pm
I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.
I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.
Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.
Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.
So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.
I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.
Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.
3.20pm
I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it.
Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.
10.15pm
I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.
I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.
I don't know how much more I can take.
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