3.30pm
I was kept up until 5am yesterday morning due to a neighbour having friends round. I took a sleeping pill to try and sleep but it didn't work and took another at 3am. This led me to not waking up until B got home from work at 4.30pm. I felt so out of sorts and I'm not sure if it's related but last night I was in so much pain from the endo. This has carried on today. I'm feeling so down and fed up of it now. I'd say my mood is still stable but it doesn't stop me from feeling down.
My diet has been really unhealthy the past few days so I'm limiting my intake until weigh in. I had a bad day on sunday and so I turned to food. Then the pain last night made me turn to food again. I'm so disappointed in myself. Due to the pain, my painkiller intake has sky rocketed. I'm sick of taking them but I have no choice. I've made a doctors appointment for friday but I don't think there is anything I can do.
I need some serious cheering up.
Tuesday 26 January 2016
Saturday 23 January 2016
Stabilising and TOM
7.30pm
Doesn't feel like a whole week since I last blogged. I've been busy seeing a friend at a seaside town, I love spending time with her, everything is so easy and understanding. There's no judging so I feel free to be myself. I'm glad I've made a new friend (called A).
I've been spending time with M as usual which never disappoints. I've been helping mum move, setting up her internet, tv account, organising for the telephone engineer to sort her phone line, sorting a mobile phone that has signal in her village and driving her to hand her keys in to the old house, just to name a few. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. This was my childhood home that I grew up in and it holds so many good and bad memories. The house signifies all the bad memories in my life but I'm still finding it so hard to let go. My beloved dog, my best friend was buried in that garden and we're leaving her behind. I feel so damn guilty. Not to mention my hamsters, guinea pig, mouse, rabbit, cat, budgie, stick insects, fish and various wild animals were buried there. When I used to visit my parents, I would say I'm going 'home'. Now I'm going to 'mums' as its a new building and not my home. My home isn't there for me now. It's hard to find closure on this. But on the positive side, the dog (that is alive) is happy in the new house which surprised everyone as she's usually extremely sensitive but she's acting like she's always lived there. This takes away my worry. Mum's happier now she's moved but she always has something to complain about. First it was 'I'll be happy once I know I'll be moving' then 'I'll be happy once I've been given a date to move' then 'I'll be happy once I've moved' then 'I'll be happy once I've given the keys in so I can get closure' then 'I'll be happy when everything is properly unpacked'. Each of these statements were accompanied by her saying that she'll get her drinking under control but then there was always another excuse. This will just keep going on and on. She's an alcoholic and she doesn't want to stop.
I've noticed my mood is much more stable now. *Touch wood* I don't seem to have meltdowns anymore. Things which would get me really down before, I would constantly think about, making it 100 times worse but now I'm better at brushing it off. I'm not better by any means and as I said before, I'm never going to be the same again, always terrified that I'm going to go back to how I was. I'm still depressed but medicated enough to function better. I'm still struggling with constant fatigue which there is no medical explanation for. Makes me feel like I'm just lazy but I get unbelievably drowsy where I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days.
My endo has been worse and I was in horrible pain for 5 days and then on wednesday, I started my first proper TOM in 3 and a half years. It's slowing down now and it wasn't horrendous like they used to be. I know this is TMI but I've added it in for my own reference.
I'm still addicted to codeine. I still feel shit because of that. I keep getting pain where my liver is. When I had gastric reflux, the doctor said it could be an indication of gall stones but I'm just going to ignore it. It's probably nothing. I'm just worried I may be damaging my liver with all the medication I'm on. I'm starting to look more towards the future and I want it to be drug free. I'm still alcohol free and I'm feeling amazingly proud of myself and B. I'm not going to lie, I have wanted a drink at times but I just distract myself and it goes away. I'm not even sure I want to start drinking again after dry january.
I also feel good about starting a 'Help to Buy ISA'. I have to borrow £1000 of B to put in it and then pay in £200 a month. This will leave me £250 a month to live off once I take out bills and direct debits. So things will be tight but I'm excited that it's a proper start to saving for a mortgage. We plan in 2 years times to have a mortgage.
So as you can see, 14 months on from the diagnosis (not even then start of the depression), I'm starting to get better. My sleep patterns are getting better, making myself go to bed earlier. I have amazing friends, an amazing (pain in the ass) boyfriend even if I don't have a supportive family. I can pick my friends so I don't need my family. I've learned from therapy that I can't keep holding on, hoping for something that won't happen so I've let them go.
Doesn't feel like a whole week since I last blogged. I've been busy seeing a friend at a seaside town, I love spending time with her, everything is so easy and understanding. There's no judging so I feel free to be myself. I'm glad I've made a new friend (called A).
I've been spending time with M as usual which never disappoints. I've been helping mum move, setting up her internet, tv account, organising for the telephone engineer to sort her phone line, sorting a mobile phone that has signal in her village and driving her to hand her keys in to the old house, just to name a few. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. This was my childhood home that I grew up in and it holds so many good and bad memories. The house signifies all the bad memories in my life but I'm still finding it so hard to let go. My beloved dog, my best friend was buried in that garden and we're leaving her behind. I feel so damn guilty. Not to mention my hamsters, guinea pig, mouse, rabbit, cat, budgie, stick insects, fish and various wild animals were buried there. When I used to visit my parents, I would say I'm going 'home'. Now I'm going to 'mums' as its a new building and not my home. My home isn't there for me now. It's hard to find closure on this. But on the positive side, the dog (that is alive) is happy in the new house which surprised everyone as she's usually extremely sensitive but she's acting like she's always lived there. This takes away my worry. Mum's happier now she's moved but she always has something to complain about. First it was 'I'll be happy once I know I'll be moving' then 'I'll be happy once I've been given a date to move' then 'I'll be happy once I've moved' then 'I'll be happy once I've given the keys in so I can get closure' then 'I'll be happy when everything is properly unpacked'. Each of these statements were accompanied by her saying that she'll get her drinking under control but then there was always another excuse. This will just keep going on and on. She's an alcoholic and she doesn't want to stop.
I've noticed my mood is much more stable now. *Touch wood* I don't seem to have meltdowns anymore. Things which would get me really down before, I would constantly think about, making it 100 times worse but now I'm better at brushing it off. I'm not better by any means and as I said before, I'm never going to be the same again, always terrified that I'm going to go back to how I was. I'm still depressed but medicated enough to function better. I'm still struggling with constant fatigue which there is no medical explanation for. Makes me feel like I'm just lazy but I get unbelievably drowsy where I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days.
My endo has been worse and I was in horrible pain for 5 days and then on wednesday, I started my first proper TOM in 3 and a half years. It's slowing down now and it wasn't horrendous like they used to be. I know this is TMI but I've added it in for my own reference.
I'm still addicted to codeine. I still feel shit because of that. I keep getting pain where my liver is. When I had gastric reflux, the doctor said it could be an indication of gall stones but I'm just going to ignore it. It's probably nothing. I'm just worried I may be damaging my liver with all the medication I'm on. I'm starting to look more towards the future and I want it to be drug free. I'm still alcohol free and I'm feeling amazingly proud of myself and B. I'm not going to lie, I have wanted a drink at times but I just distract myself and it goes away. I'm not even sure I want to start drinking again after dry january.
I also feel good about starting a 'Help to Buy ISA'. I have to borrow £1000 of B to put in it and then pay in £200 a month. This will leave me £250 a month to live off once I take out bills and direct debits. So things will be tight but I'm excited that it's a proper start to saving for a mortgage. We plan in 2 years times to have a mortgage.
So as you can see, 14 months on from the diagnosis (not even then start of the depression), I'm starting to get better. My sleep patterns are getting better, making myself go to bed earlier. I have amazing friends, an amazing (pain in the ass) boyfriend even if I don't have a supportive family. I can pick my friends so I don't need my family. I've learned from therapy that I can't keep holding on, hoping for something that won't happen so I've let them go.
Saturday 16 January 2016
Life is never going to be the same
1.30pm
I've started feeling as though with this bought of depression, that my life will never be the same again. I'm always going to be battling and straining to get through everyday which is going to be exhausting. Makes me not look forward to life. This makes me really sad. I want to be happy and I want to enjoy life.
Yesterday I started thinking about the past and why certain things happened and wondering why. I feel awful for plastering things over the internet about my family and the past that happened so I don't think I'll mention specifics. I feel locked up in this sense as I can't talk about it and try to resolve it.
I know I need to work more on my routine. I'm going to start using a diary from my CBT sessions to plan out my days. I was hoping to go for a long cycle today but we had a physiotherapist come around for B's back which he told me nothing about. So we had a mad clear up of the flat for 20 minutes before he arrived. Tomorrow the weather isn't looking great for a cycle and the next day is going to be tipping it down with rain. Not sure what to do, I'm so limited with the lack of daylight. Plus I just randomly started feeling sick today after breakfast.
I'm having real trouble sleeping recently. The past couple nights I've had to take sleeping tablets but I'm not allowed to take it more than twice in a row or 3 times in a week or it loses it's effectiveness. It gets to the evening and I'm tired but I feel wired physically. Feels like anxiety but I don't have a raise heart rate which is odd. I barely drink caffeine so I'm not sure what it is, it's like I'm scared of going to sleep or something. It gets to 12.00-2.00am and I force myself to sleep but it takes 2-3 hours and then I wake up late and it's a perpetual cycle. The plan is to force myself to try to sleep at 11.00pm at the latest and force myself up at the latest of 8.00am, regardless of how I have slept. Didn't get to sleep last night until about 4-4.30am and I was so ravenous!!! I ate 2 big handfuls of carrot sticks and was still too hungry to sleep but I know I can't eat in the middle of the night. And it doesn't help that I'm constantly cold at night. Managed to finally warm up after putting on my fluffy onesie with a hood, blanket, quilt, another blanket and then my dressing gown.
I know I'm thinking about and worrying about too many things. And it's silly things I can't do anything about like worrying about the homeless people on the streets in this cold weather.
So all in all, I'm anxious because I can't exercise, I have no routine and I'm not getting enough sleep. I want to try and get off the codeine (again) but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. I will see if I can go without until the end of dry january - which is still going well. I'm feeling quite chuffed that I've stuck to it. I'm having that feeling on being on edge still so I am going to test out if it is actually anxiety and take some diazepam. If it doesn't take the edge off then it's just all in my head.
Last night I didn't sleep much, but when I was asleep, I was having very strange dreams again. I had a dream with dad in it but this time, there was nothing about his death. It was as if he had never died but he wasn't his usual self, he was happier but in a slightly manic way doing things he wouldn't usually do (in this case, sign up for the primark newsletter!!). And we went with heroin addicts, one of which vomited on the floor. Dad laughed and said it must have been the mineral water he drank. I wish I knew how my mind worked.
I've started feeling as though with this bought of depression, that my life will never be the same again. I'm always going to be battling and straining to get through everyday which is going to be exhausting. Makes me not look forward to life. This makes me really sad. I want to be happy and I want to enjoy life.
Yesterday I started thinking about the past and why certain things happened and wondering why. I feel awful for plastering things over the internet about my family and the past that happened so I don't think I'll mention specifics. I feel locked up in this sense as I can't talk about it and try to resolve it.
I know I need to work more on my routine. I'm going to start using a diary from my CBT sessions to plan out my days. I was hoping to go for a long cycle today but we had a physiotherapist come around for B's back which he told me nothing about. So we had a mad clear up of the flat for 20 minutes before he arrived. Tomorrow the weather isn't looking great for a cycle and the next day is going to be tipping it down with rain. Not sure what to do, I'm so limited with the lack of daylight. Plus I just randomly started feeling sick today after breakfast.
I'm having real trouble sleeping recently. The past couple nights I've had to take sleeping tablets but I'm not allowed to take it more than twice in a row or 3 times in a week or it loses it's effectiveness. It gets to the evening and I'm tired but I feel wired physically. Feels like anxiety but I don't have a raise heart rate which is odd. I barely drink caffeine so I'm not sure what it is, it's like I'm scared of going to sleep or something. It gets to 12.00-2.00am and I force myself to sleep but it takes 2-3 hours and then I wake up late and it's a perpetual cycle. The plan is to force myself to try to sleep at 11.00pm at the latest and force myself up at the latest of 8.00am, regardless of how I have slept. Didn't get to sleep last night until about 4-4.30am and I was so ravenous!!! I ate 2 big handfuls of carrot sticks and was still too hungry to sleep but I know I can't eat in the middle of the night. And it doesn't help that I'm constantly cold at night. Managed to finally warm up after putting on my fluffy onesie with a hood, blanket, quilt, another blanket and then my dressing gown.
I know I'm thinking about and worrying about too many things. And it's silly things I can't do anything about like worrying about the homeless people on the streets in this cold weather.
So all in all, I'm anxious because I can't exercise, I have no routine and I'm not getting enough sleep. I want to try and get off the codeine (again) but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. I will see if I can go without until the end of dry january - which is still going well. I'm feeling quite chuffed that I've stuck to it. I'm having that feeling on being on edge still so I am going to test out if it is actually anxiety and take some diazepam. If it doesn't take the edge off then it's just all in my head.
Last night I didn't sleep much, but when I was asleep, I was having very strange dreams again. I had a dream with dad in it but this time, there was nothing about his death. It was as if he had never died but he wasn't his usual self, he was happier but in a slightly manic way doing things he wouldn't usually do (in this case, sign up for the primark newsletter!!). And we went with heroin addicts, one of which vomited on the floor. Dad laughed and said it must have been the mineral water he drank. I wish I knew how my mind worked.
Tuesday 12 January 2016
Bad mood
3.00pm
I cycled 9.5 miles yesterday which I really enjoyed. Then I had a sleep and woke up in a really foul mood for no reason. This carried on the whole evening and I still have it today. It's driving me nuts which is making me go into an even worse foul mood. I had anxiety dreams that woke me up this morning. I usually have those when I have codeine withdrawal. I haven't had codeine in a couple of days so would make sense. So I'm taking low doses of co-codamol today to dampen down the anxiety and foul mood. B was very sweet last night and cooked me dinner so I've done all the cleaning today.
I can't stop eating today!! I had overnight oats for breakfast at 9.00am, then vegetable stew at 12.00pm and then a whole packet of pasta 'n' sauce at 2.30pm and I'm still hungry!! I can only put it down to the exercise I've been doing and the lack of codeine clogging me up.
I'm proud of myself for not wallowing in my foul mood today. I got myself out to the local supermarket to get the new limited edition muller light peanut and caramel yoghurts. And then came back and cleaned.
Found out yesterday I'm no longer allowed to continue with my teaching course since I've had too much time off work. I don't know why, but it doesn't bother me. I'm gutted because I'm going to miss my course friends but it's pressure that I don't need at the moment. I'm quite happy just to focus on my job and myself for now. I feel as though I have a better chance of making time for myself to get better. I think I may be feeling a little optimistic, although I have been feeling more depressed the past couple days. But I just need to take one day at a time. I've come so far and I can see it.
I cycled 9.5 miles yesterday which I really enjoyed. Then I had a sleep and woke up in a really foul mood for no reason. This carried on the whole evening and I still have it today. It's driving me nuts which is making me go into an even worse foul mood. I had anxiety dreams that woke me up this morning. I usually have those when I have codeine withdrawal. I haven't had codeine in a couple of days so would make sense. So I'm taking low doses of co-codamol today to dampen down the anxiety and foul mood. B was very sweet last night and cooked me dinner so I've done all the cleaning today.
I can't stop eating today!! I had overnight oats for breakfast at 9.00am, then vegetable stew at 12.00pm and then a whole packet of pasta 'n' sauce at 2.30pm and I'm still hungry!! I can only put it down to the exercise I've been doing and the lack of codeine clogging me up.
I'm proud of myself for not wallowing in my foul mood today. I got myself out to the local supermarket to get the new limited edition muller light peanut and caramel yoghurts. And then came back and cleaned.
Found out yesterday I'm no longer allowed to continue with my teaching course since I've had too much time off work. I don't know why, but it doesn't bother me. I'm gutted because I'm going to miss my course friends but it's pressure that I don't need at the moment. I'm quite happy just to focus on my job and myself for now. I feel as though I have a better chance of making time for myself to get better. I think I may be feeling a little optimistic, although I have been feeling more depressed the past couple days. But I just need to take one day at a time. I've come so far and I can see it.
Sunday 10 January 2016
Feeling a little better
4.00pm
I have been feeling a little better which I am putting down to the lack of alcohol and more exercise. I can't really explain it but I'm smiling more and things that usually get me down, I am able to deal with.
I've been sad about dad and feeling stressed about various things but I haven't been having meltdowns like I would have done. I'm definitely going to cut down the amount I drink after dry january. This is thanks to T who lives downstairs persuading B to take part. So I did it too.
Yesterday I helped mum with her move. Then in the evening as a family, they got fish and chips from the local takeaway. I just sat there and ate some mushy peas and a carrot to keep to the SW diet. The greasy fatty fast food didn't even appeal to me. Now I've been eating cleaner due to SW, I don't like the idea of fast food and takeaways. This makes me feel good.
Having a chilled day today and then hopefully I can get out cycling a couple of times next week. Looking forward to it.
I have been feeling a little better which I am putting down to the lack of alcohol and more exercise. I can't really explain it but I'm smiling more and things that usually get me down, I am able to deal with.
I've been sad about dad and feeling stressed about various things but I haven't been having meltdowns like I would have done. I'm definitely going to cut down the amount I drink after dry january. This is thanks to T who lives downstairs persuading B to take part. So I did it too.
Yesterday I helped mum with her move. Then in the evening as a family, they got fish and chips from the local takeaway. I just sat there and ate some mushy peas and a carrot to keep to the SW diet. The greasy fatty fast food didn't even appeal to me. Now I've been eating cleaner due to SW, I don't like the idea of fast food and takeaways. This makes me feel good.
Having a chilled day today and then hopefully I can get out cycling a couple of times next week. Looking forward to it.
Friday 8 January 2016
CBT and exercise
8.30pm
I had my CBT session and it went OK. Although the new therapist had barely looked at my notes and didn't know anything about me. It was just a session on her to find out about me which seems a big waste when there are notes she could have studied beforehand. I wasn't impressed. And she's supposed to be a really good according to my last therapist. And I'm only supposed to have 6 sessions apparently. If I'm not well after the 6th session, surely they can't ditch me, can they?
I went to see my doctor today and she signed me off for another 4 weeks which is fantastic. Such a relief. But I still haven't heard back of whether I am allowed to submit my assignment. There's no way I'll be able to do it in time now.
Mum rang today to say she's really stressed out and really struggling with the move. So I had no choice but to say that I'll come down to help. It's the last thing I need right now, I need my own space. So, tomorrow will be slogging my guts out while she's at work.
Today I decided to be proactive. I cycled 21 miles. I thought before I started that if I only make it half way and turn back then that's fine but I will see it as a failure. Then I thought, I have to get to my destination to get to the beach, sit there and think about dad. So I said to myself that I will do it for dad. AND I DID IT!! I'm really proud of myself and I found it really difficult on the way back, struggling to get my legs to work. Came home suffering with a bit of low blood sugar but I feel as though I have accomplished something. I can do things if I put my mind to it.
I mentioned in a previous post that I have a reoccurring dream about dad. I had another where I knew he was supposed to be dead. But I sat him down and explained that I had booked a holiday for mum and I while he was gone, but now he was back, I gave him the tickets so he could go with mum instead.
And I had another dream where he came back. I asked where he had been and he said he had been working at sea as a trawlerman (which was his occupation most of his life), but he seemed really sheepish about it after he made me believe he was dead. I felt like things didn't add up and kept probing him for where he really was. He came out with the truth and said he had actually been in prison and I cried because I felt so hurt and betrayed. Then the next part of the dream was that I was in a car chase against someone (possibly dad) and the person driving the car I was in was a friend of dads (no one I knew). I woke up crying from this dream, still feeling the hurt and betrayal that he had lied about being dead because he was in prison. Then realised it was only a dream. But it didn't take long for the reality to hit me that he was actually dead.
The dreams get more frequent, more complicated and more bizarre, the less I think about dad. It's a subject that upsets me and sets back my depression so I try not to think about it. It's making my quality of sleep bad and that makes me feel tired and depressed.
But on the whole, I think I'm doing ok. I'm not as bad as I was.
My eating has also improved. Rather than eating once a day, I've decided to go back whole heartedly on the slimming world diet and have been eating 3 meals a day. I only lost 1lb this week so maybe starving myself doesn't work. If I don't lose weight next week after doing the proper SW diet then I'm not sure what to do. I'm adding in exercise now too. Wednesday I cycled about 4 miles and today 21 miles. Tomorrow I'll be packing and lifting heavy boxes all day. I will do another long-ish cycle next week, but not 21 miles. Maybe 10 miles, that will be nice and easy.
I've realised recently that I can now look back and see how truly ill I was. I was extremely poorly but I was in denial and refused to see it and tried to soldier on. I know now it was a mistake. But if I had gone off work earlier then I wouldn't have thought I was poorly enough to be taking the time off.
I had my CBT session and it went OK. Although the new therapist had barely looked at my notes and didn't know anything about me. It was just a session on her to find out about me which seems a big waste when there are notes she could have studied beforehand. I wasn't impressed. And she's supposed to be a really good according to my last therapist. And I'm only supposed to have 6 sessions apparently. If I'm not well after the 6th session, surely they can't ditch me, can they?
I went to see my doctor today and she signed me off for another 4 weeks which is fantastic. Such a relief. But I still haven't heard back of whether I am allowed to submit my assignment. There's no way I'll be able to do it in time now.
Mum rang today to say she's really stressed out and really struggling with the move. So I had no choice but to say that I'll come down to help. It's the last thing I need right now, I need my own space. So, tomorrow will be slogging my guts out while she's at work.
Today I decided to be proactive. I cycled 21 miles. I thought before I started that if I only make it half way and turn back then that's fine but I will see it as a failure. Then I thought, I have to get to my destination to get to the beach, sit there and think about dad. So I said to myself that I will do it for dad. AND I DID IT!! I'm really proud of myself and I found it really difficult on the way back, struggling to get my legs to work. Came home suffering with a bit of low blood sugar but I feel as though I have accomplished something. I can do things if I put my mind to it.
I mentioned in a previous post that I have a reoccurring dream about dad. I had another where I knew he was supposed to be dead. But I sat him down and explained that I had booked a holiday for mum and I while he was gone, but now he was back, I gave him the tickets so he could go with mum instead.
And I had another dream where he came back. I asked where he had been and he said he had been working at sea as a trawlerman (which was his occupation most of his life), but he seemed really sheepish about it after he made me believe he was dead. I felt like things didn't add up and kept probing him for where he really was. He came out with the truth and said he had actually been in prison and I cried because I felt so hurt and betrayed. Then the next part of the dream was that I was in a car chase against someone (possibly dad) and the person driving the car I was in was a friend of dads (no one I knew). I woke up crying from this dream, still feeling the hurt and betrayal that he had lied about being dead because he was in prison. Then realised it was only a dream. But it didn't take long for the reality to hit me that he was actually dead.
The dreams get more frequent, more complicated and more bizarre, the less I think about dad. It's a subject that upsets me and sets back my depression so I try not to think about it. It's making my quality of sleep bad and that makes me feel tired and depressed.
But on the whole, I think I'm doing ok. I'm not as bad as I was.
My eating has also improved. Rather than eating once a day, I've decided to go back whole heartedly on the slimming world diet and have been eating 3 meals a day. I only lost 1lb this week so maybe starving myself doesn't work. If I don't lose weight next week after doing the proper SW diet then I'm not sure what to do. I'm adding in exercise now too. Wednesday I cycled about 4 miles and today 21 miles. Tomorrow I'll be packing and lifting heavy boxes all day. I will do another long-ish cycle next week, but not 21 miles. Maybe 10 miles, that will be nice and easy.
I've realised recently that I can now look back and see how truly ill I was. I was extremely poorly but I was in denial and refused to see it and tried to soldier on. I know now it was a mistake. But if I had gone off work earlier then I wouldn't have thought I was poorly enough to be taking the time off.
Wednesday 6 January 2016
Down day
12.00am
I've been getting depressed today over my assignment. I have so much to do and it's due on the 18th. And I emailed my tutor asking if I am even allowed to submit it because I'm off sick and not allowed to attend classes. In which case, there would be no point worrying or starting it. So this has kicked off anxiety and has led to me taking:
150mg tramadol
90mg codeine
15mg diazepam
So I relapsed in a time of weakness and this makes me feel like a failure. But at the same time, I am in pain, just not enough to constitute taking those many painkillers. It doesn't help that I've been using CBT techniques to plan things to do for the day but haven't been able to stick to them and spend the whole day watching tv and being on MPA. It's a very sad existence.
Not leaving the flat is definitely not helping so tomorrow I plan to cycle to town to pick up my prescriptions and then cycle to my CBT session. I miss exercising so badly but I fear it because it sets off my Endometriosis which leads to more painkillers. But once I'm under 8st (which I may change to 7st 12, I will definitely be treating myself to a months climbing membership. But at the moment, money is extremely tight and I've had to borrow money off B to get through this month. And with B going self employed, finances are rocky as it is. I know we'll get through but we just had a food shop of £120 which was mainly down to the amount of meat B eats. I've been trying to get him to keep the costs of food down but he loves his food so I can't deny him that.
Feeling very angered at the moment as my best friend is really unhappy. A friend of hers constantly belittles her, knocking the confidence of a beautiful, talented and loyal young lady (although maybe 'lady' can be debatable at times hehe - only kidding 😉). I don't know why bad things happen to such good people and I defend my friends to the hilt. I never stand up for myself but will always stand up to my friends. I really want to say something to the kniving cow but I know it wouldn't help M. But one day, I'll slip in some clever snide remark that will take her down a peg or two because M deserves so much better.
On a happier note, R has 2 dates in the pipeline, I'm super excited for him and have all fingers crossed that it works out. Although he can be a drunken idiot at times, he has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys I know. Such a gentleman, I don't know how he doesn't ensnare the hearts of many other ladies. I think his confidence knocks him back. If he acted on a date how he acts around me, there would be no problem.
Along with B, I am so lucky to have these people in my life. Makes me feel like I must be doing something right. I just wish depression wasn't sitting on my mind like a rotting corpse. 'Pain demands to be felt.' Hell yes it does! And I'm sick of it. The only things healing me are B, M and R <3
I've been getting depressed today over my assignment. I have so much to do and it's due on the 18th. And I emailed my tutor asking if I am even allowed to submit it because I'm off sick and not allowed to attend classes. In which case, there would be no point worrying or starting it. So this has kicked off anxiety and has led to me taking:
150mg tramadol
90mg codeine
15mg diazepam
So I relapsed in a time of weakness and this makes me feel like a failure. But at the same time, I am in pain, just not enough to constitute taking those many painkillers. It doesn't help that I've been using CBT techniques to plan things to do for the day but haven't been able to stick to them and spend the whole day watching tv and being on MPA. It's a very sad existence.
Not leaving the flat is definitely not helping so tomorrow I plan to cycle to town to pick up my prescriptions and then cycle to my CBT session. I miss exercising so badly but I fear it because it sets off my Endometriosis which leads to more painkillers. But once I'm under 8st (which I may change to 7st 12, I will definitely be treating myself to a months climbing membership. But at the moment, money is extremely tight and I've had to borrow money off B to get through this month. And with B going self employed, finances are rocky as it is. I know we'll get through but we just had a food shop of £120 which was mainly down to the amount of meat B eats. I've been trying to get him to keep the costs of food down but he loves his food so I can't deny him that.
Feeling very angered at the moment as my best friend is really unhappy. A friend of hers constantly belittles her, knocking the confidence of a beautiful, talented and loyal young lady (although maybe 'lady' can be debatable at times hehe - only kidding 😉). I don't know why bad things happen to such good people and I defend my friends to the hilt. I never stand up for myself but will always stand up to my friends. I really want to say something to the kniving cow but I know it wouldn't help M. But one day, I'll slip in some clever snide remark that will take her down a peg or two because M deserves so much better.
On a happier note, R has 2 dates in the pipeline, I'm super excited for him and have all fingers crossed that it works out. Although he can be a drunken idiot at times, he has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys I know. Such a gentleman, I don't know how he doesn't ensnare the hearts of many other ladies. I think his confidence knocks him back. If he acted on a date how he acts around me, there would be no problem.
Along with B, I am so lucky to have these people in my life. Makes me feel like I must be doing something right. I just wish depression wasn't sitting on my mind like a rotting corpse. 'Pain demands to be felt.' Hell yes it does! And I'm sick of it. The only things healing me are B, M and R <3
Sunday 3 January 2016
Not really thinking
4.20pm
I met up with a friend today that I don't see very often. It really helps to talk to someone who suffers with similar difficulties. Although I've come away feeling more anxious because it's brought up things I tried to forget, it's allowed me to talk and get it out of my system. And I hope she felt the same. We had coffee, went to a museum and book shop. Sounds lame but it was fun. And I have this evening to look forward to as M is staying.
I am also feeling a little anxious because I just ate lunch for the first time in 9 days even though it was only 243 calories. But it will do me good and I need to get over it. Considered taking diazepam but it never does anything so I don't think there's much point. Plus I'm trying to get off the stuff.
I'm doing well so far this year. Watching my spending, had no alcohol, really cut down on codeine and had no tramadol or diazepam.
My depression has also improved :)
11.50pm
7.00pm
20mg Omeprazole
100mg tramadol
8.00pm
60mg codeine
I think because I ate lunch for the first time in 9 days, my stomach rebelled and my gastric reflux started so I had to take these pain killers. So this time I needed them and wasn't abusing them. The tramadol didn't work so used codeine as well. Still feeling uncomfortable with the reflux now. Going to take more paracetamol and Gaviscon now to hopefully curb it.
Plan tomorrow is to be up by 10am and then by 11am, start my essay. This scares me but I need to atleast try it.
Had a great time with M and B tonight playing heads up and Havana. Can't wait for next time. For once I look forward to things and M says I seem more myself. And I'm not hiding and pretending things are fine anymore, so I must be getting a little better. But part of me thinks the control from restricting food is giving me a bit of happiness back. Had 2 small meals today and still hungry (maybe 600 cals?) but I'm feeling good. I'll revert back to normal slimming world eating soon, just want a weightloss boost at the moment to get under 8st (112lbs).
I met up with a friend today that I don't see very often. It really helps to talk to someone who suffers with similar difficulties. Although I've come away feeling more anxious because it's brought up things I tried to forget, it's allowed me to talk and get it out of my system. And I hope she felt the same. We had coffee, went to a museum and book shop. Sounds lame but it was fun. And I have this evening to look forward to as M is staying.
I am also feeling a little anxious because I just ate lunch for the first time in 9 days even though it was only 243 calories. But it will do me good and I need to get over it. Considered taking diazepam but it never does anything so I don't think there's much point. Plus I'm trying to get off the stuff.
I'm doing well so far this year. Watching my spending, had no alcohol, really cut down on codeine and had no tramadol or diazepam.
My depression has also improved :)
11.50pm
7.00pm
20mg Omeprazole
100mg tramadol
8.00pm
60mg codeine
I think because I ate lunch for the first time in 9 days, my stomach rebelled and my gastric reflux started so I had to take these pain killers. So this time I needed them and wasn't abusing them. The tramadol didn't work so used codeine as well. Still feeling uncomfortable with the reflux now. Going to take more paracetamol and Gaviscon now to hopefully curb it.
Plan tomorrow is to be up by 10am and then by 11am, start my essay. This scares me but I need to atleast try it.
Had a great time with M and B tonight playing heads up and Havana. Can't wait for next time. For once I look forward to things and M says I seem more myself. And I'm not hiding and pretending things are fine anymore, so I must be getting a little better. But part of me thinks the control from restricting food is giving me a bit of happiness back. Had 2 small meals today and still hungry (maybe 600 cals?) but I'm feeling good. I'll revert back to normal slimming world eating soon, just want a weightloss boost at the moment to get under 8st (112lbs).
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