8.30am
I haven't taken codeine in 2 and half days. Yesterday I was woken up by terrible anxiety and today was 10 times worse. Once it wakes you up, it's so intense that you have no hope of getting back to sleep. To help this, I could either take more codeine or take diazepam. I'm going to try the lesser of 2 evils and go and buy over the counter co-codamol which is a quarter of the strength of what I usually take and hopefully wean myself off instead of going cold turkey like last time. I've been taking my codeine as prescribed for pain, it's so unfair that I have to go through this. Also, it gives me an upset stomach which is good for tonight's weigh in at slimming world but won't be representative.
It's freakin' tipping it down with rain!! I have to cycle to my blood test, then cycle to the pharmacy and then cycle to work!! Dampner on an already crappy day.
Thursday 29 October 2015
Wednesday 28 October 2015
Feeling annoyed
11.15am
Today I'm pissed off. My department is moving to a new building. I spent last Friday working stupidly hard to get everything packed for the department which set off my endometriosos pain. I was told I could go into the new building to start unpacking the department on Tuesday but then was told the lift wasn't working so couldn't. Then told the lift was fixed and I could go in Wednesday morning. Turned up and the site manager knew nothing about staff arriving today. I'm having to use up my holiday entitlement for this and drove an hour home from mums yesterday to go back to work. Instead, I cycle to work, get sent away and told that some stuff still needs packing in the old building. Go back to the old building, get everything packed and now I'm home and my back is hurting.
Also, woke up with horrendous anxiety this morning. I think it's because I haven't taken codeine in a day or two. Going to continue to try and stay off it and just use over the counter co-codamol unless I'm in bad pain. I have diazepam to help me through.
However, on a positive note, I'm now under 9st according to my scales.
8.30pm
I think my posts are going to be short and sweet for the rest of the week as it will be very busy with my halloween party and work. Tonight I have done an online shop to order all the food. Yesterday morning was great, took my nephew to watch Hotel Transylvania 2. Had my CBT session today. She told me to work on communicating with B over things that get to me. Tried the discussion tonight but it didn't go overly well....he still thinks it's perfectly acceptable to start eating makerel in bed next to me while I'm sleeping. Would any of you feel like this is ok? So once again, at logger heads. It's so frustrating. Not really had much to eat today, just don't feel like it. Not sure if it's the depression. I'm struggling a bit at the moment.
Today I'm pissed off. My department is moving to a new building. I spent last Friday working stupidly hard to get everything packed for the department which set off my endometriosos pain. I was told I could go into the new building to start unpacking the department on Tuesday but then was told the lift wasn't working so couldn't. Then told the lift was fixed and I could go in Wednesday morning. Turned up and the site manager knew nothing about staff arriving today. I'm having to use up my holiday entitlement for this and drove an hour home from mums yesterday to go back to work. Instead, I cycle to work, get sent away and told that some stuff still needs packing in the old building. Go back to the old building, get everything packed and now I'm home and my back is hurting.
Also, woke up with horrendous anxiety this morning. I think it's because I haven't taken codeine in a day or two. Going to continue to try and stay off it and just use over the counter co-codamol unless I'm in bad pain. I have diazepam to help me through.
However, on a positive note, I'm now under 9st according to my scales.
8.30pm
I think my posts are going to be short and sweet for the rest of the week as it will be very busy with my halloween party and work. Tonight I have done an online shop to order all the food. Yesterday morning was great, took my nephew to watch Hotel Transylvania 2. Had my CBT session today. She told me to work on communicating with B over things that get to me. Tried the discussion tonight but it didn't go overly well....he still thinks it's perfectly acceptable to start eating makerel in bed next to me while I'm sleeping. Would any of you feel like this is ok? So once again, at logger heads. It's so frustrating. Not really had much to eat today, just don't feel like it. Not sure if it's the depression. I'm struggling a bit at the moment.
Monday 26 October 2015
Feeling exhausted
12.00pm
I've slept quite well the past couple nights but I'm still exhausted to the point where I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. It's a constant battle to ever be able to do anything. I should be doing my teaching stuff but I'm just too tired. I'm crossing all my fingers that the blood test shows up something.
I'm struggling being at mums. Everything reminds me of dad but I can't show how I feel because mum struggles enough as it is. I know bottling it up for 3-4 days is going to have its repercussions.
8.30pm
I went to dads grave and sobbed my heart out. I came back and had to take diazepam so I didn't turn into a state in front of mum. Now I'm in a lot of pain with my endometriosis so I'm sofa bound with a hot water bottle, my beautiful border collie Skye that never leaves my side (unless she see's a squirrel, in which case, the dog knows no bounds!) and just taken tramadol and codeine. Counting down the seconds until the painkillers kick in. I'd say the pain is a constant 6-7 out of 10 at the moment. I feel completely miserable =(
10.30pm
It's been 2 hours since I took a max dose of painkillers and I'm still in pain of 4-5 out of 10. I just hope I can get to sleep with it.
I've slept quite well the past couple nights but I'm still exhausted to the point where I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. It's a constant battle to ever be able to do anything. I should be doing my teaching stuff but I'm just too tired. I'm crossing all my fingers that the blood test shows up something.
I'm struggling being at mums. Everything reminds me of dad but I can't show how I feel because mum struggles enough as it is. I know bottling it up for 3-4 days is going to have its repercussions.
8.30pm
I went to dads grave and sobbed my heart out. I came back and had to take diazepam so I didn't turn into a state in front of mum. Now I'm in a lot of pain with my endometriosis so I'm sofa bound with a hot water bottle, my beautiful border collie Skye that never leaves my side (unless she see's a squirrel, in which case, the dog knows no bounds!) and just taken tramadol and codeine. Counting down the seconds until the painkillers kick in. I'd say the pain is a constant 6-7 out of 10 at the moment. I feel completely miserable =(
10.30pm
It's been 2 hours since I took a max dose of painkillers and I'm still in pain of 4-5 out of 10. I just hope I can get to sleep with it.
Sunday 25 October 2015
Birthday meal with family
6.00pm
Had a birthday meal out with family today and that included M. Having M there is a great boost and since she is also doing slimming world, it made it very easy to choose the right options. I went food shopping after to get lots of food for this diet. I have soooo much fruit, veg and low fat dairy that I will never go hungry. I just don't understand how I will be able to eat so muc (I'm never hungry) and still lose weight. I guess the scales will tell. I'm not even close to giving up yet as it's so easy. And in a week or two, I'm hoping I feel healthier too. I haven't had alcohol since wednesday night so I'm going to treat myself tonight to a few rum and cokes.
I slept for 12 hours last night and I'm feeling much better for it today. I must have been very exhausted. Going for another early and chilled night tonight I think. Then hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to get into the groove of doing a day of my teaching stuff. Spent time with my lovely nephew this afternoon and played rugby. He had such fun and he's such a lovely boy. I'm proud to be his aunty. Same goes for my niece even though she's so grown up.
At the moment, on the whole, I'm feeling ok but that could quickly change.
Had a birthday meal out with family today and that included M. Having M there is a great boost and since she is also doing slimming world, it made it very easy to choose the right options. I went food shopping after to get lots of food for this diet. I have soooo much fruit, veg and low fat dairy that I will never go hungry. I just don't understand how I will be able to eat so muc (I'm never hungry) and still lose weight. I guess the scales will tell. I'm not even close to giving up yet as it's so easy. And in a week or two, I'm hoping I feel healthier too. I haven't had alcohol since wednesday night so I'm going to treat myself tonight to a few rum and cokes.
I slept for 12 hours last night and I'm feeling much better for it today. I must have been very exhausted. Going for another early and chilled night tonight I think. Then hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to get into the groove of doing a day of my teaching stuff. Spent time with my lovely nephew this afternoon and played rugby. He had such fun and he's such a lovely boy. I'm proud to be his aunty. Same goes for my niece even though she's so grown up.
At the moment, on the whole, I'm feeling ok but that could quickly change.
Saturday 24 October 2015
Busy days - good or bad?
9.15am
I have been so busy that once again I haven't been able to blog. It's not that I'm getting bored of blogging (I'm still enjoying it and finding it helpful), but finding the time is tough as my job is very busy at the moment. Yesterday was spent packing like crazy as it was the last day we were able to pack up the entire department, ready for the removal men on Monday. The physical activity set off my endometriosis so I was once again on codeine and tramadol. I went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 9am this morning. I very much needed that sleep after the really rough week I had of very little sleep. Still feeling as though I could sleep more though, but I can't. I have to get to mums today to help her out for the next 3 days. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I'm feeling so exhausted. Exhaustion definitely makes my depression worse and causes the meltdowns. Went to the doctors yesterday and they gave me more diazepam to get me through and I booked myself in for a blood test. Hopefully something will show on the blood test that is causing my fatigue and is easily treatable. I also have loads and loads of my teaching stuff to catch up on and I don't know how I'm going to do that at mums as she's quite clingy and wants help with things all the time.
I started Slimming World on Thursday and I love doing something with my best friend. We'll be able to motivate each other. I found yesterday hard as I woke up, realising there were no 'free' foods in the house! So I had to take an impromptu trip to tesco's on my way back from the doctors. It's strange that I'm able to eat as much as I want of the 'free' foods and that I don't have to count calories. I'm skeptical as to whether it's going to work for me as I'm not technically overweight.
7.10pm
This morning was spent going to pick up a second hand fridge freezer. This involved getting it up 3 floors to our flat. Now we have enough fridge and freezer space to store lots of fruit, veg and meals for the week. This is going to make SW so much easier. I then drove to mums and pretty much immediately fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling so exhausted today. I don't know if it's the last week catching up on me because I slept 11 hours last night. When I fell asleep on the sofa today, it was awful. I was dreaming that I could barely move and was trying to get help. I got so distressed and has caused my anxiety to increase. I'm in a lot of pain from my endometriosis, taken codeine but it hasn't work. And I'm lightly bleeding too which only happens when I get really stressed. I didn't eat today until 4pm, I just wasn't hungry and so far I've only had 2 syns. There's nothing in mums house that are syns that I want and I haven't had a healthy B option yet either. I'll go shopping tomorrow and try to get some low syn treats. I have my birthday meal tomorrow with the family so I can go all out on syns as I've only had 7 in two days.
I have been so busy that once again I haven't been able to blog. It's not that I'm getting bored of blogging (I'm still enjoying it and finding it helpful), but finding the time is tough as my job is very busy at the moment. Yesterday was spent packing like crazy as it was the last day we were able to pack up the entire department, ready for the removal men on Monday. The physical activity set off my endometriosis so I was once again on codeine and tramadol. I went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 9am this morning. I very much needed that sleep after the really rough week I had of very little sleep. Still feeling as though I could sleep more though, but I can't. I have to get to mums today to help her out for the next 3 days. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I'm feeling so exhausted. Exhaustion definitely makes my depression worse and causes the meltdowns. Went to the doctors yesterday and they gave me more diazepam to get me through and I booked myself in for a blood test. Hopefully something will show on the blood test that is causing my fatigue and is easily treatable. I also have loads and loads of my teaching stuff to catch up on and I don't know how I'm going to do that at mums as she's quite clingy and wants help with things all the time.
I started Slimming World on Thursday and I love doing something with my best friend. We'll be able to motivate each other. I found yesterday hard as I woke up, realising there were no 'free' foods in the house! So I had to take an impromptu trip to tesco's on my way back from the doctors. It's strange that I'm able to eat as much as I want of the 'free' foods and that I don't have to count calories. I'm skeptical as to whether it's going to work for me as I'm not technically overweight.
7.10pm
This morning was spent going to pick up a second hand fridge freezer. This involved getting it up 3 floors to our flat. Now we have enough fridge and freezer space to store lots of fruit, veg and meals for the week. This is going to make SW so much easier. I then drove to mums and pretty much immediately fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling so exhausted today. I don't know if it's the last week catching up on me because I slept 11 hours last night. When I fell asleep on the sofa today, it was awful. I was dreaming that I could barely move and was trying to get help. I got so distressed and has caused my anxiety to increase. I'm in a lot of pain from my endometriosis, taken codeine but it hasn't work. And I'm lightly bleeding too which only happens when I get really stressed. I didn't eat today until 4pm, I just wasn't hungry and so far I've only had 2 syns. There's nothing in mums house that are syns that I want and I haven't had a healthy B option yet either. I'll go shopping tomorrow and try to get some low syn treats. I have my birthday meal tomorrow with the family so I can go all out on syns as I've only had 7 in two days.
Thursday 22 October 2015
Tough day
10.00am
So after last night, I feel like I'm in a pit of darkness. I feel so depressed. I am very busy today so I don't have time to write this morning but hopefully I'll be able to catch up later. I'm feeling very fragile. Just trying to keep living is sapping all my energy. However, I am feeling a tiny bit better after the Health and Safety Manager came to have a chat. He's a really lovely guy and we get on really well. I have to take any positives from today that I can.
So after last night, I feel like I'm in a pit of darkness. I feel so depressed. I am very busy today so I don't have time to write this morning but hopefully I'll be able to catch up later. I'm feeling very fragile. Just trying to keep living is sapping all my energy. However, I am feeling a tiny bit better after the Health and Safety Manager came to have a chat. He's a really lovely guy and we get on really well. I have to take any positives from today that I can.
Wednesday 21 October 2015
Frodo goes to the vet
10.00am
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
I took Frodo to the vet this morning to have his teeth filed down. It was so sad. He was obviously in destress because he was away from his brothers for the first time ever. I'm feeling really bad that I had to take him but he needs the procedure done. I'm just worried he will be in pain afterwards even though it's not an invasive procedure.
Ben toook out the binbag this morning without asking! And did part of the washing up last night without asking! We are getting somewhere but it took me cutting my wrist for him to do it. And it'll only last so long. I just hope he'll make the effort to pick up after himself. He left things on the window sill last night so it's going to be a long road.
I'm still very tired today so I will ring the doctor on friday and request the blood test.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
Lunch = Lentil soup and Nakd bar (327 cals)
Dinner = Mexican pizza and quavers (513 cals)
Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine (370 cals)
8.45pm
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head so I'll try and write coherently. Firstly, Frodo is back from the vets but he's so withdrawn, I feel so damn guilty. I'm trying to give him some tasty foods to gain the trust back but he's not biting (pardon the pun). Secondly, I had my CBT appointment today and she didn't look at my questionnaire until right at the end of the session which indicates my moods for the past week. She's meant to look at it at the start. It asks on there if you plan on harming yourself and asks if you have harmed yourself. I was honest and said yes to the fact that I have harmed myself so she made me explain what happened. She seemed frustrated that I didn't mention it at the beginning but the moment never arose. I was too busy telling her about what a great time I had on Sunday with my best friend. She seemed quite disappointed and I came away feeling more shit about myself than I had before. At the end of each session, she gives me thing to work on. Last week was to start making time for myself and stop making all my time about putting other people first. This week is to evaluate before I think about putting others first. Will putting myself first be to the detriment of someone else in that particular scenario? Hopefully this analysis will help me to spend more time looking after me and hopefully I can start to get better. But......tonight I'm finding that a huge challenge. I called my mum to say I had bought some medication for the dog. The conversation was fine until she said 'It doesn't matter anyway as I don't feel like I'll be here much longer with the way I'm feeling'. This hit me like a brick in the chest. I hurt that she's hurting so much. I may give her another call soon to check on her. I feel as though I'm not doing enough for her as I'm 40 miles away and I don't have the time or the money to keep seeing her on a regular basis. As a result, my sister is having to pick up the pieces. Mum is obviously very clingy and spending a lot of time with them when they have busy lives themselves. I don't know what to do. I feel very hopeless tonight. I'm so worried about my family. I know I'm struggling but it never escapes my mind that they are too.
Total calories = 1681
Not in the right mind to tell you all about it tonight but the CRISIS team were called because I've been in an absolute state. Might talk more about it tomorrow.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
I took Frodo to the vet this morning to have his teeth filed down. It was so sad. He was obviously in destress because he was away from his brothers for the first time ever. I'm feeling really bad that I had to take him but he needs the procedure done. I'm just worried he will be in pain afterwards even though it's not an invasive procedure.
Ben toook out the binbag this morning without asking! And did part of the washing up last night without asking! We are getting somewhere but it took me cutting my wrist for him to do it. And it'll only last so long. I just hope he'll make the effort to pick up after himself. He left things on the window sill last night so it's going to be a long road.
I'm still very tired today so I will ring the doctor on friday and request the blood test.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
Lunch = Lentil soup and Nakd bar (327 cals)
Dinner = Mexican pizza and quavers (513 cals)
Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine (370 cals)
8.45pm
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head so I'll try and write coherently. Firstly, Frodo is back from the vets but he's so withdrawn, I feel so damn guilty. I'm trying to give him some tasty foods to gain the trust back but he's not biting (pardon the pun). Secondly, I had my CBT appointment today and she didn't look at my questionnaire until right at the end of the session which indicates my moods for the past week. She's meant to look at it at the start. It asks on there if you plan on harming yourself and asks if you have harmed yourself. I was honest and said yes to the fact that I have harmed myself so she made me explain what happened. She seemed frustrated that I didn't mention it at the beginning but the moment never arose. I was too busy telling her about what a great time I had on Sunday with my best friend. She seemed quite disappointed and I came away feeling more shit about myself than I had before. At the end of each session, she gives me thing to work on. Last week was to start making time for myself and stop making all my time about putting other people first. This week is to evaluate before I think about putting others first. Will putting myself first be to the detriment of someone else in that particular scenario? Hopefully this analysis will help me to spend more time looking after me and hopefully I can start to get better. But......tonight I'm finding that a huge challenge. I called my mum to say I had bought some medication for the dog. The conversation was fine until she said 'It doesn't matter anyway as I don't feel like I'll be here much longer with the way I'm feeling'. This hit me like a brick in the chest. I hurt that she's hurting so much. I may give her another call soon to check on her. I feel as though I'm not doing enough for her as I'm 40 miles away and I don't have the time or the money to keep seeing her on a regular basis. As a result, my sister is having to pick up the pieces. Mum is obviously very clingy and spending a lot of time with them when they have busy lives themselves. I don't know what to do. I feel very hopeless tonight. I'm so worried about my family. I know I'm struggling but it never escapes my mind that they are too.
Total calories = 1681
Not in the right mind to tell you all about it tonight but the CRISIS team were called because I've been in an absolute state. Might talk more about it tomorrow.
Tuesday 20 October 2015
Hospital visit
7.00am
So last night at about 11.30pm, I took myself off to hospital. I self harmed. I cut deeper and deeper and then before I knew it, it looked like a cut that needed stitches. I was hoping they would just patch it up and let me go but I stupidly blurted out that I did it on purpose and that I had taken 10mg diazepam and 5 codeine tablets. So then I had to wait for the psychiatrist at 1.30am. She explained she was from the Crisis Team and that I should call her if I feel like that again. Well......I feel like a right twat so won't be doing that again. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself that I'm skipping breakfast and probably lunch too. I'm feeling so down trodden right now, spiraling down into an abyss. But I must dust myself off, get to work and pretend everything is fine. I've had 4 hours sleep. I feel terrible.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
2.30pm
Had a busy day today and now I am shattered after only 4 hours sleep. Got so many practicals going on but managed to come up with a diary for slimming world. I start it on Thursday but it seems so far away. I'm not going to give up my smoothies because they're low calorie and now I put green tea in it, they're super healthy too. Had 3 hours of my course this morning but I managed to get some work done. Should be doing more now but I'm so tired, I can't face it. Tomorrow, the packing up of the department starts again as we're moving to a new building. I have to pack up 3 labs. not looking forward to it but atleast I'll burn more calories.
Lunch = Jacket potato with baked beans (445 cals)
Dinner = Mexican refried bean pizza and chocolate (667 cals )
Alcohol = 4 shots of rum with coke (280 cals)
Total calories = 1609
So last night at about 11.30pm, I took myself off to hospital. I self harmed. I cut deeper and deeper and then before I knew it, it looked like a cut that needed stitches. I was hoping they would just patch it up and let me go but I stupidly blurted out that I did it on purpose and that I had taken 10mg diazepam and 5 codeine tablets. So then I had to wait for the psychiatrist at 1.30am. She explained she was from the Crisis Team and that I should call her if I feel like that again. Well......I feel like a right twat so won't be doing that again. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself that I'm skipping breakfast and probably lunch too. I'm feeling so down trodden right now, spiraling down into an abyss. But I must dust myself off, get to work and pretend everything is fine. I've had 4 hours sleep. I feel terrible.
Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)
2.30pm
Had a busy day today and now I am shattered after only 4 hours sleep. Got so many practicals going on but managed to come up with a diary for slimming world. I start it on Thursday but it seems so far away. I'm not going to give up my smoothies because they're low calorie and now I put green tea in it, they're super healthy too. Had 3 hours of my course this morning but I managed to get some work done. Should be doing more now but I'm so tired, I can't face it. Tomorrow, the packing up of the department starts again as we're moving to a new building. I have to pack up 3 labs. not looking forward to it but atleast I'll burn more calories.
Lunch = Jacket potato with baked beans (445 cals)
Dinner = Mexican refried bean pizza and chocolate (667 cals )
Alcohol = 4 shots of rum with coke (280 cals)
Total calories = 1609
Monday 19 October 2015
Hearing things in my head
7.15am
Woke up really not looking forward to today although I am very much enjoying the new clean flat. It makes such a difference to my mood. In the middle of the night, I woke up screaming because I thought I'd heard some sort of technology go off really loudly from my bedside table and I recoiled from it. Apparently it was all in my head but it was so loud! Such a strange experience. So now I kind feel like I'm going crazy.
I had really bad pain from my endometriosis that even a full dose of codeine couldn't help so I had 2 full doses of tramadol yesterday. The pain was still there, but not as bad. It's ok this morning but it could still flare up.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
Lunch = Salad a la M with brie and veggie gammon (536 cals)
12.00pm
Had a very busy morning at work. It seems as though whenever I am busy, I suddenly get really tired and can't function. I can't think why this is. I'm eating more healthily and despite waking up screaming, I slept quite well last night. I seem to have some sort of chronic fatigue going on. I'll mention it at the doctors next time I go. I also need to get her to book me into a blood test to check my thyroid. I've just had half a mocha to try and wake me up a bit. Can't have too much caffeine as I'm quite sensitive to it. I'll have some lunch now and then I'll get on with some of my teaching course stuff if I can. Should be able to leave work on time today which is great!
Snack = Banana and Muller rice corner (266 cals)
4.00pm
I have been so unbelievably tired. I am so sick of feeling tired all the damn time and I have no idea why it is. I'm in work desperately needing a nap to function. As a result, I've not been productive this afternoon and it stresses me out. Starting to think of dad a bit more today. I've been blocking it from my mind but I think I'll try and face it tonight.
7.45pm
Dinner = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
So I've been thinking lightly about dad tonight. Forcing myself to focus wholly on it would be detrimental. It's strange as usually I would be bawling my eyes out but I'm strangely calm and numb. Doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm worthless though. I feel like I deserve to be breaking down about it. I am also really craving unhealthy food but I'm not going to go over my allotted calories or that will make me feel more worthless. I want life to be over tonight.
Tonight I feel as though I'm sick of living.
Alcohol = 3 shots of vodka (207 cals)
9.40pm
B came back from the friends flat downstairs. I hid the fact that I had been crying. He really wanted a back massage to help with his sciatica so I obliged. Now he's asleep so he doesn't have to see my turmoil while I'm sat in the spare room. It's peaceful and neutral in here. Holds no memories. But here I am, sat feeling numb but also feeling like I need to cry but can't. I feel so confused. I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, unwinding with my book. But nights like these catch me unaware. My mind is all over the place and I feel lost. I don't know what I should be thinking. I feel like I should be thinking about dad but my head is so chaotic that I can't think of one thing for more than a second. B just came in as he noticed I was missing from the bed. I told him I needed some time to myself and he's gone. He'll be asleep in 2 minutes time. Doesn't bother him enough to stay awake for. I feel like I want to self harm again. I self harmed about 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I need to again to snap me out of this numbness. Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't self harmed since about 5 months ago. I feel ashamed to admit it but I need to be honest in this. I always hit the issue of where to do it. I always do it in places that look like an 'accident' or places that will never get seen by someone else. Taking codeine, tramadol and diazepam is also going around my head. What to do??.....
After thinking about things, I think about how many people I know are engaged and/or having kids. I'm not good enough for either of these things because I'm so fucked up. Or I've not earned enough income to deserve either of these things. For better or worse.....with me it's always worse so I can see why no one would want to tie the knot with me. I can't describe the feeling of being so worthless. All I can say is that it's so painful.
Woke up really not looking forward to today although I am very much enjoying the new clean flat. It makes such a difference to my mood. In the middle of the night, I woke up screaming because I thought I'd heard some sort of technology go off really loudly from my bedside table and I recoiled from it. Apparently it was all in my head but it was so loud! Such a strange experience. So now I kind feel like I'm going crazy.
I had really bad pain from my endometriosis that even a full dose of codeine couldn't help so I had 2 full doses of tramadol yesterday. The pain was still there, but not as bad. It's ok this morning but it could still flare up.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
Lunch = Salad a la M with brie and veggie gammon (536 cals)
12.00pm
Had a very busy morning at work. It seems as though whenever I am busy, I suddenly get really tired and can't function. I can't think why this is. I'm eating more healthily and despite waking up screaming, I slept quite well last night. I seem to have some sort of chronic fatigue going on. I'll mention it at the doctors next time I go. I also need to get her to book me into a blood test to check my thyroid. I've just had half a mocha to try and wake me up a bit. Can't have too much caffeine as I'm quite sensitive to it. I'll have some lunch now and then I'll get on with some of my teaching course stuff if I can. Should be able to leave work on time today which is great!
Snack = Banana and Muller rice corner (266 cals)
4.00pm
I have been so unbelievably tired. I am so sick of feeling tired all the damn time and I have no idea why it is. I'm in work desperately needing a nap to function. As a result, I've not been productive this afternoon and it stresses me out. Starting to think of dad a bit more today. I've been blocking it from my mind but I think I'll try and face it tonight.
7.45pm
Dinner = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
So I've been thinking lightly about dad tonight. Forcing myself to focus wholly on it would be detrimental. It's strange as usually I would be bawling my eyes out but I'm strangely calm and numb. Doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm worthless though. I feel like I deserve to be breaking down about it. I am also really craving unhealthy food but I'm not going to go over my allotted calories or that will make me feel more worthless. I want life to be over tonight.
Tonight I feel as though I'm sick of living.
Alcohol = 3 shots of vodka (207 cals)
9.40pm
B came back from the friends flat downstairs. I hid the fact that I had been crying. He really wanted a back massage to help with his sciatica so I obliged. Now he's asleep so he doesn't have to see my turmoil while I'm sat in the spare room. It's peaceful and neutral in here. Holds no memories. But here I am, sat feeling numb but also feeling like I need to cry but can't. I feel so confused. I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, unwinding with my book. But nights like these catch me unaware. My mind is all over the place and I feel lost. I don't know what I should be thinking. I feel like I should be thinking about dad but my head is so chaotic that I can't think of one thing for more than a second. B just came in as he noticed I was missing from the bed. I told him I needed some time to myself and he's gone. He'll be asleep in 2 minutes time. Doesn't bother him enough to stay awake for. I feel like I want to self harm again. I self harmed about 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I need to again to snap me out of this numbness. Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't self harmed since about 5 months ago. I feel ashamed to admit it but I need to be honest in this. I always hit the issue of where to do it. I always do it in places that look like an 'accident' or places that will never get seen by someone else. Taking codeine, tramadol and diazepam is also going around my head. What to do??.....
After thinking about things, I think about how many people I know are engaged and/or having kids. I'm not good enough for either of these things because I'm so fucked up. Or I've not earned enough income to deserve either of these things. For better or worse.....with me it's always worse so I can see why no one would want to tie the knot with me. I can't describe the feeling of being so worthless. All I can say is that it's so painful.
Sunday 18 October 2015
Tidy home = tidy mind
9.00am
I have finished the last of the major cleaning today. HALLELUJAH!! I'm feeling a little better now, ready to get on with my teaching course assignment. Although B still hasn't done the kitchen. Hoping that he will once he gets out of bed.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
2.00pm
Had a nap at 11.15am and woke up at 12.45pm. I feel so much better that I'm looking after myself and listening to my body's needs. My endometriosis has been a bit more settled as a result. And I managed to get some of my teaching assignment done this morning. I have finished cleaning and B did end up finishing the washing up (although didn't extend to tidying the rest of the kitchen). He made up for that by coming to help me fold the washing without me asking. It's made such a difference but it makes it hard when he makes it clear that he'd really rather not be doing it - well I'd rather not either!! When he got up to help me fold the washing, I said 'You don't look like you want to be helping'. He replied 'Well, I'd rather you waited until I finished eating'. I never even asked him to help, let alone help while he was eating so I think that was unfair. It's a constant battle with the cleaning, and it sometimes makes me think that if it's going to be like this all the time, what's the point of staying together. He'd obviously rather have a girlfriend who did everything for him without question. Goes to show what happens when you grow up with cleaners all your life. There wouldn't be a battle if he tidied up after himself but he doesn't, just leaves all his rubbish lying around. It's really hard work.
But on a more positive note, M should be here soon. She was supposed to be here 35 minutes ago! M - get your ass here! She's going to help me sort the spare room and shift some of it to the garage. and then we'll have a chilled evening while I do some teaching work.
Lunch = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
6.50pm
M and I sorted out the spare room! I feel liberated and exercised - so many stairs! Now we're watching One Born Every Minute and waiting for our dinner. Good times.
Dinner = 2 Quorn gammon steaks, mash, 2 eggs and sweetcorn (587 cals)
Alcohol = Half a can of cider (80 cals)
Total calories = 1275
I have finished the last of the major cleaning today. HALLELUJAH!! I'm feeling a little better now, ready to get on with my teaching course assignment. Although B still hasn't done the kitchen. Hoping that he will once he gets out of bed.
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
2.00pm
Had a nap at 11.15am and woke up at 12.45pm. I feel so much better that I'm looking after myself and listening to my body's needs. My endometriosis has been a bit more settled as a result. And I managed to get some of my teaching assignment done this morning. I have finished cleaning and B did end up finishing the washing up (although didn't extend to tidying the rest of the kitchen). He made up for that by coming to help me fold the washing without me asking. It's made such a difference but it makes it hard when he makes it clear that he'd really rather not be doing it - well I'd rather not either!! When he got up to help me fold the washing, I said 'You don't look like you want to be helping'. He replied 'Well, I'd rather you waited until I finished eating'. I never even asked him to help, let alone help while he was eating so I think that was unfair. It's a constant battle with the cleaning, and it sometimes makes me think that if it's going to be like this all the time, what's the point of staying together. He'd obviously rather have a girlfriend who did everything for him without question. Goes to show what happens when you grow up with cleaners all your life. There wouldn't be a battle if he tidied up after himself but he doesn't, just leaves all his rubbish lying around. It's really hard work.
But on a more positive note, M should be here soon. She was supposed to be here 35 minutes ago! M - get your ass here! She's going to help me sort the spare room and shift some of it to the garage. and then we'll have a chilled evening while I do some teaching work.
Lunch = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)
6.50pm
M and I sorted out the spare room! I feel liberated and exercised - so many stairs! Now we're watching One Born Every Minute and waiting for our dinner. Good times.
Dinner = 2 Quorn gammon steaks, mash, 2 eggs and sweetcorn (587 cals)
Alcohol = Half a can of cider (80 cals)
Total calories = 1275
Saturday 17 October 2015
Cleaning day
11.40am
Weight = 9st 2.4
BMI = 24.3
So today is a cleaning day. I've cleaned the rats and the bathroom so far but the rest of the flat is a tip. What was really great though was that I got up and started cleaning. Then without me even asking, B got up and started helping! This is a rare occurrence and it's made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside. Definitely takes away the stress of a cleaning day. I'm sat on the sofa now, having a break but I've suddenly gotten really tired, struggling to keep my eyes open so I will have to have a nap which is disappointing. It's such a waste of time. I am also VERY hungry today, just had a bacon sandwich and my stomach is still rumbling =(
Breakfast = Veggie bacon sandwich (472 cals)
7.30pm
I did end up having a nap from 12.30 - 2.30pm. I didn't feel much better when I woke up. After spending hours cleaning, I am now shattered and I'm panicking that I haven't been able to start my teaching course assignment. I've also been in pain from my endometriosis which saps me of energy. B said he would clean the kitchen but he hasn't so I'll have to do that too. I have done the spare room, bedroom and bathroom. Will need to do the kitchen and living room tomorrow. Feeling completely fed up that I'm struggling for time with my course and B is just sat watching tv.
Dinner = Pot noodle (433 cals)
Alcohol = 2 shots gin, 2 shots blue caracao, pink grapefruit juice (395 cals)
Snack = Muller rice corner, flapjack and quavers (334 cals)
Total calories = 1634
Weight = 9st 2.4
BMI = 24.3
So today is a cleaning day. I've cleaned the rats and the bathroom so far but the rest of the flat is a tip. What was really great though was that I got up and started cleaning. Then without me even asking, B got up and started helping! This is a rare occurrence and it's made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside. Definitely takes away the stress of a cleaning day. I'm sat on the sofa now, having a break but I've suddenly gotten really tired, struggling to keep my eyes open so I will have to have a nap which is disappointing. It's such a waste of time. I am also VERY hungry today, just had a bacon sandwich and my stomach is still rumbling =(
Breakfast = Veggie bacon sandwich (472 cals)
7.30pm
I did end up having a nap from 12.30 - 2.30pm. I didn't feel much better when I woke up. After spending hours cleaning, I am now shattered and I'm panicking that I haven't been able to start my teaching course assignment. I've also been in pain from my endometriosis which saps me of energy. B said he would clean the kitchen but he hasn't so I'll have to do that too. I have done the spare room, bedroom and bathroom. Will need to do the kitchen and living room tomorrow. Feeling completely fed up that I'm struggling for time with my course and B is just sat watching tv.
Dinner = Pot noodle (433 cals)
Alcohol = 2 shots gin, 2 shots blue caracao, pink grapefruit juice (395 cals)
Snack = Muller rice corner, flapjack and quavers (334 cals)
Total calories = 1634
Friday 16 October 2015
Doctors today
Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)
Snack = Fruit and veg smoothie (200 cals)
Lunch = Salad, Brie and Muller corner yoghurt (337 cals)
1.00pm
Went to see the doctor this morning. Since my Endometriosis has gotten worse, I was hoping to be prescribed more painkillers but she didn't. I understand her reasons since they're strong opioid painkillers but if I'm in pain, surely I need them? I will have to talk to her again if they run out early.
Saw M last night, she's done amazing on her weightloss and I'm so proud of her. I'm in awe of how tenacious she is, not just with weightloss but with everything in life. She even just ate jelly for an entire week once to fit into a dress!! She has said that I help her but I don't see how that is. I don't do as much as I perhaps should. But if I help, then I am certainly not complaining. I feel as though me and M are on a journey to near perfection and I'm so comforted that I feel as though we are in the weightloss together. There is no competitiveness, just support.
Work and life are so busy. I'm struggling but not as much as I was. I've made sure I take time out for lunch today so I'm picking at my salad. I'm hungry but don't feel like eating. On the plus side, I've lost 1lb as of today. Still very tired so looking forward to the weekend even though I have so much to do.
Dinner = Quorn pie, mash, gravy and mushy peas (732 cals)
5.30pm
I haven't felt as many intrusive thoughts today which is good. Looking forward to dinner, very hungry today. I'm sure I'll end up having a few drinks tonight (probably on my own as B is off out for a night on the town). I really don't feel like going, I don't feel like I have the energy to socialise. Good news is that I'm going to go to a weightloss club with M. Although I'm worried I'm going to stand out like a sore thumb. Instead of feeling like the biggest one of the group, I may be one of the smaller ones as I'm not overweight. But we'll see. Off to watch a film with B and a friend downstairs soon.
Total calories before alcohol = 1594
(I didn't end up having any alcohol)
Snack = Fruit and veg smoothie (200 cals)
Lunch = Salad, Brie and Muller corner yoghurt (337 cals)
1.00pm
Went to see the doctor this morning. Since my Endometriosis has gotten worse, I was hoping to be prescribed more painkillers but she didn't. I understand her reasons since they're strong opioid painkillers but if I'm in pain, surely I need them? I will have to talk to her again if they run out early.
Saw M last night, she's done amazing on her weightloss and I'm so proud of her. I'm in awe of how tenacious she is, not just with weightloss but with everything in life. She even just ate jelly for an entire week once to fit into a dress!! She has said that I help her but I don't see how that is. I don't do as much as I perhaps should. But if I help, then I am certainly not complaining. I feel as though me and M are on a journey to near perfection and I'm so comforted that I feel as though we are in the weightloss together. There is no competitiveness, just support.
Work and life are so busy. I'm struggling but not as much as I was. I've made sure I take time out for lunch today so I'm picking at my salad. I'm hungry but don't feel like eating. On the plus side, I've lost 1lb as of today. Still very tired so looking forward to the weekend even though I have so much to do.
Dinner = Quorn pie, mash, gravy and mushy peas (732 cals)
5.30pm
I haven't felt as many intrusive thoughts today which is good. Looking forward to dinner, very hungry today. I'm sure I'll end up having a few drinks tonight (probably on my own as B is off out for a night on the town). I really don't feel like going, I don't feel like I have the energy to socialise. Good news is that I'm going to go to a weightloss club with M. Although I'm worried I'm going to stand out like a sore thumb. Instead of feeling like the biggest one of the group, I may be one of the smaller ones as I'm not overweight. But we'll see. Off to watch a film with B and a friend downstairs soon.
Total calories before alcohol = 1594
(I didn't end up having any alcohol)
Thursday 15 October 2015
Weightloss fail
7.30am
I took a sleeping tablet last night and slept very well. Unfortunately, I've woke up still feeling very tired. I should be on my way to work this very minute but I'm in my pyjama's writing this. This is important to me so I have to take SOME time out to do it or there is no point having it.
So my weight is still an issue. I admit I haven't been eating as healthy as I hoped, but I am eating much better that I was. I've had to take laxatives this morning to try and get 'unbunged'. I won't let you know how that goes later haha. Porridge I have been having comes to 324 calories which is alot but I have been topping it with chia, sunflower, sesame and pumpkin seeds to get some healthy fats into it. I looked into the smoothie I've been making everyday. It makes up 500ml and it has courgette, beetroot, spinach, carrot, banana, orange juice and ginger. And it only comes in at 200 calories. I haven' t lost any weight yet but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm bunged up. I am aiming for at least 1lbs a week.
Week 1 weight loss = 0lbs (FAIL)
However, I am really looking forward to M's success this evening. She can lose enough weight for the both of us.
1.00pm
I am really tired. This always brings my mood down. I've been thinking of skipping lunch but decided against it. I'm starting to use MyFitnessPal again. it won't last but i want to use it for the time being. It draws my attention to what I'm eating and if I really should be eating it. I feel like I've lost all control and I have a lack of caring about anything right now. I'm so tired and have so much to do that I keep making mistakes at work. I AM SO GRUMPY!! I just want to sleep. I have soooo much to do at work and it's really stressing me out.
Lunch = Left over vegetable pasty and a muller corner yoghurt (470 cals)
Trying so hard not to take diazepam or codeine just to get through the day.
Dinner = 1/3 of a Slimming World ready meal (111 cals)
Total cals = 1103
I took a sleeping tablet last night and slept very well. Unfortunately, I've woke up still feeling very tired. I should be on my way to work this very minute but I'm in my pyjama's writing this. This is important to me so I have to take SOME time out to do it or there is no point having it.
So my weight is still an issue. I admit I haven't been eating as healthy as I hoped, but I am eating much better that I was. I've had to take laxatives this morning to try and get 'unbunged'. I won't let you know how that goes later haha. Porridge I have been having comes to 324 calories which is alot but I have been topping it with chia, sunflower, sesame and pumpkin seeds to get some healthy fats into it. I looked into the smoothie I've been making everyday. It makes up 500ml and it has courgette, beetroot, spinach, carrot, banana, orange juice and ginger. And it only comes in at 200 calories. I haven' t lost any weight yet but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm bunged up. I am aiming for at least 1lbs a week.
Week 1 weight loss = 0lbs (FAIL)
However, I am really looking forward to M's success this evening. She can lose enough weight for the both of us.
1.00pm
I am really tired. This always brings my mood down. I've been thinking of skipping lunch but decided against it. I'm starting to use MyFitnessPal again. it won't last but i want to use it for the time being. It draws my attention to what I'm eating and if I really should be eating it. I feel like I've lost all control and I have a lack of caring about anything right now. I'm so tired and have so much to do that I keep making mistakes at work. I AM SO GRUMPY!! I just want to sleep. I have soooo much to do at work and it's really stressing me out.
Lunch = Left over vegetable pasty and a muller corner yoghurt (470 cals)
Trying so hard not to take diazepam or codeine just to get through the day.
Dinner = 1/3 of a Slimming World ready meal (111 cals)
Total cals = 1103
Wednesday 14 October 2015
It's a new dawn
6.30pm
I haven't blogged in the past 2 days. I have been unbelievably busy. On Monday I did a 10 hour day at work, yesterday I did a 14 hour day. Within that was 3 hours for my teaching course and 2 hours for seeing someone at the bereavement service. I have so much going on this week that yesterday I felt as though I was never going to cope and the fear set in that I was going to fail at the tasks ahead. From CBT and counselling, I have learned to be more proactive in dealing with situations like these. I decided to call the vets and postpone my rat's treatment for another week (he just needs his teeth filing down a bit) and postponed a flat inspection for another week. I just didn't have the time and energy to clear up the flat, especially since I asked B to clean the kitchen (of which he did half) and now it's twice as messy as it was before he started cleaning it! I'm trying to focus on planning this weekend. I need to make sure I have time for myself to relax but also to clean the flat as well as start my assignment for my teaching course.
I feel at the moment that with everything that has been going on, I just need to relax. So this lead to me taking 5 codeine an hour ago. I know I really shouldn't as it will end up getting out of control and I won't have enough to treat my pain of endometriosis. I feel like I'm juggling addiction, depression and anxiety and it is so hard. I spent most of today and yesterday with anxiety to the point where I couldn't sit still and my teeth were chattering. I seem to be coping so much better on codeine. I'm going to ask my doctor to have a bigger prescription because my endometriosis has been getting worse and the Naproxen doesn't do anything.
Something that has come out of this blog so far is that I was surprised by how sweet my best friend has been, She texted me yesterday as she was concerned that I hadn't blogged in 2 days. If it wasn't for the blog, she may not have thought to text me and ask. I was very touched. And she's coming round tomorrow and I cannot wait! I love spending time with M, it kind of takes me away from reality for a little while. I actually relax. If you're reading this M, you're good therapy for me <3
My healthy diet has gone out the window a bit. I haven't had the time to prepare food and I put on 3lbs over night despite not eating that much? I just assume it's from the codeine and that I'm bunged up. It's still playing around in my head that I really need to lose the weight though. It never goes.
With my long days at work, it has meant leaving the flat at 6.40am. I have realised that dawn is my favourite time of day. The word I will use to describe it is 'docile'. Everything is so gentle and relaxing. It's nice that the day has ended but the next hasn't yet begun. I don't want the next one to begin. Everyone is so different at that time of day. So on my early cycles to work, I drink in the darkness and purity of the dawn.
I'm too tired to type anymore.
I haven't blogged in the past 2 days. I have been unbelievably busy. On Monday I did a 10 hour day at work, yesterday I did a 14 hour day. Within that was 3 hours for my teaching course and 2 hours for seeing someone at the bereavement service. I have so much going on this week that yesterday I felt as though I was never going to cope and the fear set in that I was going to fail at the tasks ahead. From CBT and counselling, I have learned to be more proactive in dealing with situations like these. I decided to call the vets and postpone my rat's treatment for another week (he just needs his teeth filing down a bit) and postponed a flat inspection for another week. I just didn't have the time and energy to clear up the flat, especially since I asked B to clean the kitchen (of which he did half) and now it's twice as messy as it was before he started cleaning it! I'm trying to focus on planning this weekend. I need to make sure I have time for myself to relax but also to clean the flat as well as start my assignment for my teaching course.
I feel at the moment that with everything that has been going on, I just need to relax. So this lead to me taking 5 codeine an hour ago. I know I really shouldn't as it will end up getting out of control and I won't have enough to treat my pain of endometriosis. I feel like I'm juggling addiction, depression and anxiety and it is so hard. I spent most of today and yesterday with anxiety to the point where I couldn't sit still and my teeth were chattering. I seem to be coping so much better on codeine. I'm going to ask my doctor to have a bigger prescription because my endometriosis has been getting worse and the Naproxen doesn't do anything.
Something that has come out of this blog so far is that I was surprised by how sweet my best friend has been, She texted me yesterday as she was concerned that I hadn't blogged in 2 days. If it wasn't for the blog, she may not have thought to text me and ask. I was very touched. And she's coming round tomorrow and I cannot wait! I love spending time with M, it kind of takes me away from reality for a little while. I actually relax. If you're reading this M, you're good therapy for me <3
My healthy diet has gone out the window a bit. I haven't had the time to prepare food and I put on 3lbs over night despite not eating that much? I just assume it's from the codeine and that I'm bunged up. It's still playing around in my head that I really need to lose the weight though. It never goes.
With my long days at work, it has meant leaving the flat at 6.40am. I have realised that dawn is my favourite time of day. The word I will use to describe it is 'docile'. Everything is so gentle and relaxing. It's nice that the day has ended but the next hasn't yet begun. I don't want the next one to begin. Everyone is so different at that time of day. So on my early cycles to work, I drink in the darkness and purity of the dawn.
I'm too tired to type anymore.
Sunday 11 October 2015
A little bit of determination
10.30am
I live in a flat which is quite small so space is an issue. I get really anxious and irritable when the flat is untidy or unclean which is extremely difficult when living with my extremely untidy boyfriend. So yesterday I made a start into transforming it. I only sorted the bookcase and drawers in the living room but it's made such a difference. Next stop - the bedroom and spare bedroom. I want the spare bedroom to actually look like a bedroom rather than a dumping ground. We have a garage so much of it can be stored down there but it means carrying everything down three floors and across a courtyard. I guess keeping things tidied and ordered is another of my control issues to deal with depression and anxiety.
7.00pm
Took some advice from my therapist and decided to take some time out just for me. I snuggled up under the duvet with a hot water bottle and a horror movie. Evil Dead is scary! Doesn't take away the fact I have so much cleaning to do. This makes me sad =(
9.00pm
Some of you may be wondering why I put the times on when I blog. That is so that I can see a trend in my moods and when I feel the need to talk. I've been thinking about dad a lot today which isn't surprising. But what is now different is that instead of breaking down into a complete mess, I've been dealing with it. OK, maybe dealing with it isn't the right word, maybe avoiding the thought. Every time I think that he'd dead and how he got that way, it feels like I've been punched in the chest by Mike Tyson. It is really heart breaking. I fear that he knew what was happening, that he was in a great deal of pain (now I'm starting to cry) and that he was scared. I knew he was terrified of dying and he knew it was coming due to his heart condition but none of us knew it would be so soon. I feel so dysfunctional. I am the one dealing with depression, anxiety AND bereavement. I was just starting to get better before he died. Even in the phone call to me where he died, he asked how I was and I said 'much better'. His reply was 'that's really good, I'm so glad to hear that'. Just heart wrenching that I'm not happy, as that's all that he wanted of me. I'm terrified that he may be watching over me, seeing how weak I am and being guilt wracked because he's caused it (unintentionally of course). I would never blame him for the difficulties of bereavement - EVER. It happened and it was NOT his fault. I'm just sad I didn't know he was dying when he was on the phone to me. Something in the back of my head tells me that I should have known he was dying. Maybe I should explain -
Dad called me at work, he sometimes did this to have a chat as he preferred to call while mum was at work, then he could talk about how he was truly feeling. The marriage has always been rocky. In the phone call, he sounded happier than he had in a long time. He was cheerful that now he had just turned 65, he wouldn't have to pay national insurance and would be saving money due to it. He told me a funny story of work that morning (he worked 5am - 10am 5-7 days a week) and it really was very funny, made an impact on all the colleagues there, it's their last memory of him. Then we talked about other random stuff for a while and then he said 'I better let you go, I know you're at work' (I'm not sure if he said that because he knew something was wrong or not). I said 'OK, speak to you later, bye'. Then before he hung up, I quickly said 'how is the dog?'. His replied was 'yeah she's fine'. And that was the last words I ever heard from him. After that, I heard a clatter and some murmuring in the background. I assumed that he had tried putting the phone down but was having trouble with it. He wasn't the most apt with technology. I waited about 10 seconds and then hung up. I tried calling his mobile but there was no answer. Tried calling the home phone back but still no answer so I assumed he was using it. Turns out, he never ended the call to me which is why I couldn't get through. He was having a heart attack the second after he said 'yeah she's fine'. I had no idea, I didn't think it would be his time to go, i didn't believe it even though I felt something wasn't right. This was 1st July 2015 at 1.50pm. Mum got home around 3.45pm and found him on the living room floor. He was laid in an awkward angle as if he had collapsed while he tried to get up from the sofa. He still had his e-cigarette clenched in his hand which makes me think it may have been quick. The phone he was using to speak to me was underneath him. I got the call from mum to say she had found him. I was an hour away as I was at work. I didn't know what to do. Mum said there's no point coming back because my sister and brother in law were there. The police, ambulance and coroner were on their way. I spoke to a couple of colleagues and they suggested I go home to be with the family. I didn't want to. But I made a last minute decision after I got home, to go to my parents house an hour away.I'm glad I did...... It took the coroner over 3 hours to get there, which meant I arrived 30 minutes before they were about to take him away. I got to say goodbye. His eyes were full of gunk, he was staring blankly at the ceiling, he was grey and clammy and stiff. But he was still my dad. I kissed him on the head, squeezed his hand and told him I loved him. Then they took him away. Cause of death - a massive heart attack which we knew was coming. We didn't think it would be this soon. Even dad didn't know it was coming. Which is good for him, but it made it one hell of a shock for us.
I'm sat here now, blubbering like a baby, falling apart at the seams. Not knowing what to do with myself. The boyfriend is downstairs in a friends flat so I'm on my own. I'm drinking alcohol to try and numb the pain. I'll probably turn to codeine and diazepam later. I have to to up at 5.30am for work and here I am at 9.30pm, an absolute state.
I just want my dad back, just for 5 minutes so I can say goodbye and tell him how much I love him. Despite the past, he was the best father I could have asked for in the last couple of years. We were building our father/daughter relationship to how it should be. And then he cruelly got taken from me. Someone may as well rip my heart out and send it to hell via First Class post. I'm sick of feeling like this. I just want to say goodbye. If I can't (which is obviously the case) then I feel as though it would just be easier to say goodbye to this world. But I can't do that because I have friends and family that depend on me. As a result, I feel completely trapped. My friend said to talk to her about these things but what's the point? None of that will bring my dad back, crying isn't go to change anything. I hurt so damn much and I feel so lonely as no one can see how I'm truly feeling. I put up a front to the point that one of my best friends said 'you're one of the strongest people I know'. If only he knew....
I live in a flat which is quite small so space is an issue. I get really anxious and irritable when the flat is untidy or unclean which is extremely difficult when living with my extremely untidy boyfriend. So yesterday I made a start into transforming it. I only sorted the bookcase and drawers in the living room but it's made such a difference. Next stop - the bedroom and spare bedroom. I want the spare bedroom to actually look like a bedroom rather than a dumping ground. We have a garage so much of it can be stored down there but it means carrying everything down three floors and across a courtyard. I guess keeping things tidied and ordered is another of my control issues to deal with depression and anxiety.
7.00pm
Took some advice from my therapist and decided to take some time out just for me. I snuggled up under the duvet with a hot water bottle and a horror movie. Evil Dead is scary! Doesn't take away the fact I have so much cleaning to do. This makes me sad =(
9.00pm
Some of you may be wondering why I put the times on when I blog. That is so that I can see a trend in my moods and when I feel the need to talk. I've been thinking about dad a lot today which isn't surprising. But what is now different is that instead of breaking down into a complete mess, I've been dealing with it. OK, maybe dealing with it isn't the right word, maybe avoiding the thought. Every time I think that he'd dead and how he got that way, it feels like I've been punched in the chest by Mike Tyson. It is really heart breaking. I fear that he knew what was happening, that he was in a great deal of pain (now I'm starting to cry) and that he was scared. I knew he was terrified of dying and he knew it was coming due to his heart condition but none of us knew it would be so soon. I feel so dysfunctional. I am the one dealing with depression, anxiety AND bereavement. I was just starting to get better before he died. Even in the phone call to me where he died, he asked how I was and I said 'much better'. His reply was 'that's really good, I'm so glad to hear that'. Just heart wrenching that I'm not happy, as that's all that he wanted of me. I'm terrified that he may be watching over me, seeing how weak I am and being guilt wracked because he's caused it (unintentionally of course). I would never blame him for the difficulties of bereavement - EVER. It happened and it was NOT his fault. I'm just sad I didn't know he was dying when he was on the phone to me. Something in the back of my head tells me that I should have known he was dying. Maybe I should explain -
Dad called me at work, he sometimes did this to have a chat as he preferred to call while mum was at work, then he could talk about how he was truly feeling. The marriage has always been rocky. In the phone call, he sounded happier than he had in a long time. He was cheerful that now he had just turned 65, he wouldn't have to pay national insurance and would be saving money due to it. He told me a funny story of work that morning (he worked 5am - 10am 5-7 days a week) and it really was very funny, made an impact on all the colleagues there, it's their last memory of him. Then we talked about other random stuff for a while and then he said 'I better let you go, I know you're at work' (I'm not sure if he said that because he knew something was wrong or not). I said 'OK, speak to you later, bye'. Then before he hung up, I quickly said 'how is the dog?'. His replied was 'yeah she's fine'. And that was the last words I ever heard from him. After that, I heard a clatter and some murmuring in the background. I assumed that he had tried putting the phone down but was having trouble with it. He wasn't the most apt with technology. I waited about 10 seconds and then hung up. I tried calling his mobile but there was no answer. Tried calling the home phone back but still no answer so I assumed he was using it. Turns out, he never ended the call to me which is why I couldn't get through. He was having a heart attack the second after he said 'yeah she's fine'. I had no idea, I didn't think it would be his time to go, i didn't believe it even though I felt something wasn't right. This was 1st July 2015 at 1.50pm. Mum got home around 3.45pm and found him on the living room floor. He was laid in an awkward angle as if he had collapsed while he tried to get up from the sofa. He still had his e-cigarette clenched in his hand which makes me think it may have been quick. The phone he was using to speak to me was underneath him. I got the call from mum to say she had found him. I was an hour away as I was at work. I didn't know what to do. Mum said there's no point coming back because my sister and brother in law were there. The police, ambulance and coroner were on their way. I spoke to a couple of colleagues and they suggested I go home to be with the family. I didn't want to. But I made a last minute decision after I got home, to go to my parents house an hour away.I'm glad I did...... It took the coroner over 3 hours to get there, which meant I arrived 30 minutes before they were about to take him away. I got to say goodbye. His eyes were full of gunk, he was staring blankly at the ceiling, he was grey and clammy and stiff. But he was still my dad. I kissed him on the head, squeezed his hand and told him I loved him. Then they took him away. Cause of death - a massive heart attack which we knew was coming. We didn't think it would be this soon. Even dad didn't know it was coming. Which is good for him, but it made it one hell of a shock for us.
I'm sat here now, blubbering like a baby, falling apart at the seams. Not knowing what to do with myself. The boyfriend is downstairs in a friends flat so I'm on my own. I'm drinking alcohol to try and numb the pain. I'll probably turn to codeine and diazepam later. I have to to up at 5.30am for work and here I am at 9.30pm, an absolute state.
I just want my dad back, just for 5 minutes so I can say goodbye and tell him how much I love him. Despite the past, he was the best father I could have asked for in the last couple of years. We were building our father/daughter relationship to how it should be. And then he cruelly got taken from me. Someone may as well rip my heart out and send it to hell via First Class post. I'm sick of feeling like this. I just want to say goodbye. If I can't (which is obviously the case) then I feel as though it would just be easier to say goodbye to this world. But I can't do that because I have friends and family that depend on me. As a result, I feel completely trapped. My friend said to talk to her about these things but what's the point? None of that will bring my dad back, crying isn't go to change anything. I hurt so damn much and I feel so lonely as no one can see how I'm truly feeling. I put up a front to the point that one of my best friends said 'you're one of the strongest people I know'. If only he knew....
Saturday 10 October 2015
Weekends are different
9.00am
Porridge for breakfast
Last night with my friends was great fun. Only thing that ruined it for me was that I had this horrible uncomfortable pain in my stomach that radiated up to my left shoulder and down my left arm. I looked it up online and it could be another symptom of anxiety. Also, I had to take Naproxen and Codeine as I felt the endometriosis pain starting. I've realised now that I need to nip the pain in the bud quickly instead of soldiering on, as it only gets worse. I went to sleep last night thinking of dad. I was thinking; I can't have a meltdown as my friends are in the house so it was bottled up. I do bottling up alot, to the point where is comes out all in one angry mess that makes me feel suicidal. I'm working with my CBT therapist to try to not bottle things up and talk about it all more.
Crisps for lunch, cuppa soup and bread for snack. Due to have a 3 course meal this evening.
4.15pm
Just had to take one of my rats to the vet (I have 3 boys and i love them loads). One has racked up a £138 bill because he needs his teeth filing down. Who knew rats were so expensive! Wondering what my best friend is up to right now.
Midnight
Dinner = Soup, Quiche, Apple crumble and custard
I'm so tired. Just been to my boyfriends end of season cricket dinner. It's exhausting socialising with complete strangers when I'm socially inept. I find it so hard to hold conversations with people I don't know. It didn't help that, as usual, the pressure of socialising set off my endometriosis. I'm now at home curled up with a hot water bottle while he's out having a good time. He tends to go crazy on the alcohol at events like these and he acts quite selfish. He's allowed to have his fun but he has that stubborn look in his eye to say 'I'm going to do what I want tonight and I don't care what you think'. Especially when he's had a few where most would stop and he wants to carry on drinking. I guess it's his release from dealing with the depression crap that comes his way from me. I'm not horrible to him but he see's me feeling low and crying a lot of the time. I don't know why he puts up with it. So I've just let him go out and do his own thing and said I'd pick him up when he wants. Might have a nap as I'm so tired. The rats are running rings round me =)
Porridge for breakfast
Last night with my friends was great fun. Only thing that ruined it for me was that I had this horrible uncomfortable pain in my stomach that radiated up to my left shoulder and down my left arm. I looked it up online and it could be another symptom of anxiety. Also, I had to take Naproxen and Codeine as I felt the endometriosis pain starting. I've realised now that I need to nip the pain in the bud quickly instead of soldiering on, as it only gets worse. I went to sleep last night thinking of dad. I was thinking; I can't have a meltdown as my friends are in the house so it was bottled up. I do bottling up alot, to the point where is comes out all in one angry mess that makes me feel suicidal. I'm working with my CBT therapist to try to not bottle things up and talk about it all more.
Crisps for lunch, cuppa soup and bread for snack. Due to have a 3 course meal this evening.
4.15pm
Just had to take one of my rats to the vet (I have 3 boys and i love them loads). One has racked up a £138 bill because he needs his teeth filing down. Who knew rats were so expensive! Wondering what my best friend is up to right now.
Midnight
Dinner = Soup, Quiche, Apple crumble and custard
I'm so tired. Just been to my boyfriends end of season cricket dinner. It's exhausting socialising with complete strangers when I'm socially inept. I find it so hard to hold conversations with people I don't know. It didn't help that, as usual, the pressure of socialising set off my endometriosis. I'm now at home curled up with a hot water bottle while he's out having a good time. He tends to go crazy on the alcohol at events like these and he acts quite selfish. He's allowed to have his fun but he has that stubborn look in his eye to say 'I'm going to do what I want tonight and I don't care what you think'. Especially when he's had a few where most would stop and he wants to carry on drinking. I guess it's his release from dealing with the depression crap that comes his way from me. I'm not horrible to him but he see's me feeling low and crying a lot of the time. I don't know why he puts up with it. So I've just let him go out and do his own thing and said I'd pick him up when he wants. Might have a nap as I'm so tired. The rats are running rings round me =)
Friday 9 October 2015
New day, same old depression and anxiety
I plan to do daily blogs when I can. They will probably be really long but the purpose of this is somewhere to relay all my thoughts. I will post updates and add on more to it as the day goes on.
7.00am
I had strange dreams last night, as I have most nights. I either really struggle to sleep, or have dreams all night that make me feel tired when I wake up. Being tired all the time is a constant battle which perpetuates the depression cycle.
I've been toying with the idea of trying to lose the 22lbs I have put on due to my anti-depressants. My best friend (who I will call M) has made a diet blog to encourage her weightloss. She wants to do it to look better but she's already beautiful as she is. However, it doesn't matter about her reasons, all that matters is that I'm there to support her. My reason for motivating her is her health. Life is so much easier when you have good health.
My reasons for weightloss is different. I use it as a form of control. Over the past 2 years, I have used it obsessively at times. I would go 1-2 days at a time without eating. This doesn't sound much but I have a very active job. Also, I think 'How can my boyfriend like me when I have put on this much weight?' He's already a bit more distant and my weight is obviously a problem for him. Even if he won't say so.
I just want to start off by eating a bit healthier. I don't want to be starving myself again. Although I have started taking 7 different diet pills again which may interfere with my anti-depressants. I will have to closely monitor it.
So here's to my breakfast of porridge.
Weight = 130.2lbs
BMI = 24.6
9.00am
Got to work and I'm feeling very very anxious. I have so much to do today and I don't know how I am going to do it all by 6.00pm when all my friends are coming around for food and a film. I forgot to mention earlier that I have a full time job and I'm doing a part time course on top for teacher training. I took my first lesson yesterday all by myself as my colleague was off sick and it went OK but the behaviour was an issue. I think I dealt with it OK though. Not amazing, but OK I delivered a good informative lesson.
10.45am
I feel sick and my stomach is rumbling. I'm sooo hungry so I'm having a graze snack of 'Vitamin C Crush' and a Muller Corner yoghurt. The anxiety is starting to get a little overwhelming. It's only because I haven't taken codeine since Wednesday. The withdrawal causes horrendous anxiety. I took 240mg on Wednesday night to cope with how I was feeling (twice the maximum dose). I try to take codeine as little as possible. Same goes for diazepam. Withdrawal from diazepam is really horrible and I don't want to go down that road. So I take about 5mg of Diazepam a week. I may take some over the counter co-codamol which only has 16mg of codeine in it and that can stave off the anxiety just enough to keep functioning at work.
3.45pm
So I did a bit of teaching today. That was fine. Although I have 20 assignments to mark this weekend. Lunch was a salad with pasta and feta. Anxiety has gone through the roof. Instead of doing work, I'm sat writing this when really I don't have the time. It's come out of nowhere and I feel as though there is a big weight on my chest and I'm struggling to breathe. No one really knows what anxiety like this is like unless they've experienced it for themselves.
5.00pm
I have so much to do that I feel overwhelmed. The anxiety is awful and I don't want to get on with the work I've got to do. I made a list so what I'm doing can be more structured but it still seems alot. I have so much washing up to do!
8.00pm
Had takeaway chips and Quorn chicken burgers for tea. Forgot to mention I have been a vegetarian for 18 years.
7.00am
I had strange dreams last night, as I have most nights. I either really struggle to sleep, or have dreams all night that make me feel tired when I wake up. Being tired all the time is a constant battle which perpetuates the depression cycle.
I've been toying with the idea of trying to lose the 22lbs I have put on due to my anti-depressants. My best friend (who I will call M) has made a diet blog to encourage her weightloss. She wants to do it to look better but she's already beautiful as she is. However, it doesn't matter about her reasons, all that matters is that I'm there to support her. My reason for motivating her is her health. Life is so much easier when you have good health.
My reasons for weightloss is different. I use it as a form of control. Over the past 2 years, I have used it obsessively at times. I would go 1-2 days at a time without eating. This doesn't sound much but I have a very active job. Also, I think 'How can my boyfriend like me when I have put on this much weight?' He's already a bit more distant and my weight is obviously a problem for him. Even if he won't say so.
I just want to start off by eating a bit healthier. I don't want to be starving myself again. Although I have started taking 7 different diet pills again which may interfere with my anti-depressants. I will have to closely monitor it.
So here's to my breakfast of porridge.
Weight = 130.2lbs
BMI = 24.6
9.00am
Got to work and I'm feeling very very anxious. I have so much to do today and I don't know how I am going to do it all by 6.00pm when all my friends are coming around for food and a film. I forgot to mention earlier that I have a full time job and I'm doing a part time course on top for teacher training. I took my first lesson yesterday all by myself as my colleague was off sick and it went OK but the behaviour was an issue. I think I dealt with it OK though. Not amazing, but OK I delivered a good informative lesson.
10.45am
I feel sick and my stomach is rumbling. I'm sooo hungry so I'm having a graze snack of 'Vitamin C Crush' and a Muller Corner yoghurt. The anxiety is starting to get a little overwhelming. It's only because I haven't taken codeine since Wednesday. The withdrawal causes horrendous anxiety. I took 240mg on Wednesday night to cope with how I was feeling (twice the maximum dose). I try to take codeine as little as possible. Same goes for diazepam. Withdrawal from diazepam is really horrible and I don't want to go down that road. So I take about 5mg of Diazepam a week. I may take some over the counter co-codamol which only has 16mg of codeine in it and that can stave off the anxiety just enough to keep functioning at work.
3.45pm
So I did a bit of teaching today. That was fine. Although I have 20 assignments to mark this weekend. Lunch was a salad with pasta and feta. Anxiety has gone through the roof. Instead of doing work, I'm sat writing this when really I don't have the time. It's come out of nowhere and I feel as though there is a big weight on my chest and I'm struggling to breathe. No one really knows what anxiety like this is like unless they've experienced it for themselves.
5.00pm
I have so much to do that I feel overwhelmed. The anxiety is awful and I don't want to get on with the work I've got to do. I made a list so what I'm doing can be more structured but it still seems alot. I have so much washing up to do!
8.00pm
Had takeaway chips and Quorn chicken burgers for tea. Forgot to mention I have been a vegetarian for 18 years.
Thursday 8 October 2015
Where to start?
I really don't know where to begin....
I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember due to having a very difficult childhood. But it's made me the good person I am today so I wouldn't change it.
I'm hoping this blog will be somewhere to plant my thoughts instead of letting them whizz around my head constantly.
I got diagnosed with depression at the end of 2014 after many years of battling. I couldn't see any other way of dealing with it. I had low intensity CBT and then 6 sessions of counselling. I found the CBT was not helpful at all.
Then in July 2015, my whole world crashed around me when my dad died. My depression spiralled out of control and also turned into anxiety and addiction. I became addicted to codeine to deal with the depression and anxiety.
I will also incorporate a little of my struggles with endometriosis too. I was diagnosed with this in June 2012.
I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember due to having a very difficult childhood. But it's made me the good person I am today so I wouldn't change it.
I'm hoping this blog will be somewhere to plant my thoughts instead of letting them whizz around my head constantly.
I got diagnosed with depression at the end of 2014 after many years of battling. I couldn't see any other way of dealing with it. I had low intensity CBT and then 6 sessions of counselling. I found the CBT was not helpful at all.
Then in July 2015, my whole world crashed around me when my dad died. My depression spiralled out of control and also turned into anxiety and addiction. I became addicted to codeine to deal with the depression and anxiety.
I will also incorporate a little of my struggles with endometriosis too. I was diagnosed with this in June 2012.
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