8.30pm
R has encouraged me to blog again. I think there are a number of reasons why I've been avoiding it...
1) It makes it hit home how badly I'm coping.
2) I've had 3 jobs and working 6-7 days a week (60-70 hrs a week) to run away from my mental health but ruined my physical health in the process so dropped one of my jobs which was 15-20 hrs a week.
3) It makes me think about the issues I'm trying to run away from or bottle up.
I'm currently going through a group DBT therapy which lasts 14 weeks and is 2 hours per week. It is helping a little but there are certain aspects which I feel that I'm able to deal well with already such as interpersonal skills. That part of therapy is more geared at the angry and aggressive and I'm not like that at all. And I feel as though I already have a good way of communicating with people if I'm not happy with something. I'm just not good at communicating what I emotionally need unless it's my fiance. And on the whole, he's great but sometimes he feels unable to help me and pushes me aside. Completely understandable so DBT therapy need to understand that people can't be there for you 24/7. My other friends have their own issues or are very busy and I don't want to be burdening them. They encourage you to call the CRISIS team or the Samaritans but who wants to bare their soul and deepest darkest feelings with a stranger???
9.20pm
This will have to be continued another time. R is drunk and entering a deep conversation so will be off for now.
Saturday 20 May 2017
Sunday 5 March 2017
9 months in the future
So it's been 9 months since I last posted. I've had a lot going on in that time. I had surgery for my endometriosis scheduled in mid-July but it was cancelled due to my Gynae surgeon being off sick. It was rescheduled for mid-October but that was cancelled due to my colorectal surgeon being off sick. By this point I had hit a low point and so had B. He went on a weeks bender as he wasn't able to cope with it. We've had some very rocky times and I think a lot of it has stemmed from my surgeries being cancelled. He thought after my surgery, everything would be fine and we could start leading a normal life. I, however, was not getting my hopes up as knowing my luck, the surgery wouldn't do anything.
Surgery got rescheduled after I wrote an official letter of complaint to the hospital Chief Executive for 25th January. It went without a hitch, they removed 3cm of endometriosis from both of my uterosacral ligaments. I was up and about nearly as normal the day after, I was just tired for a couple of weeks after and had to nap every day. Mum was supportive and wanted to be there so she was there on the day of my surgery along with B. I spent one night in hospital then was sent home with a little Oramorph. Recovery has been plain sailing apart from occasional acute endo pain.
The endo hasn't gone away completely but it is better than it was. But that may be due to me resting a lot. I have taken nearly 6 weeks off work and I feel well rested. I have one more week before I go back to my main job on a phased return and my 2 other part time jobs as normal.
I started working for Lidl on 8th November so I can pay for Skye to have walks while mum's at work. It comes to between £112 - £163 per month and I had vet bills of £90 for her too so the extra income is much needed. I work 60-70hrs a week over 6-7 days which is tough but it keeps my mind active and stops the negative thoughts coming in. It's also good to be out socialising rather than being a hermit in the flat because of the anxiety which stops me from doing so much in life.
On a positive note, I have booked a holiday to Prague with R, A and B in July. I'm also going to the Isle of Mull in Scotland in August. I really want to travel while I have the chance and I think it is well deserved with all the hours I work.
With my medications, a lot has changed. The Pregabalin has made me put on so much weight, I now weigh 134lbs! I gave it up a couple weeks ago but it's made me ill. Definitely never going on it again. A week ago, I came down on my Sertraline from 200mg to 150mg and I'm feeling less zombie like now, I think it's having a positive impact. I'm also down to only 90mg a day of Codeine now but the doctor has added a low dose of slow release Tramadol to help with the pain. I can't take NSAIDS because of the Pregabalin withdrawal making my stomach poorly. May have to give a stool sample and blood test. Off to the doctors tomorrow so will find out more then. Been having a lot of nausea where I was living off mashed potato for a week too so the doctor has given me Cyclizine. I'm trying out new herbal supplements like Evening Primrose Oil, Cramp Bark, Spirulina Chlorophyll and Magnesium Citrate. Not sure if they're helping but I doubt it'll do much harm to keep trying them.
After being celibate for over a year, B and I decided that we would try intimacy to see if I would get pain. So far I am in pain but not as bad as I would have been pre-surgery. This is good news. I had the Mirena coil replaced during surgery to stop my periods. The surgeon said that when I have the coil removed, I'll be fertile again within a month if I wanted to try for children.
I need to try and start blogging again as I'm starting to feel a bit mentally bogged down with things all building up inside my head.
Surgery got rescheduled after I wrote an official letter of complaint to the hospital Chief Executive for 25th January. It went without a hitch, they removed 3cm of endometriosis from both of my uterosacral ligaments. I was up and about nearly as normal the day after, I was just tired for a couple of weeks after and had to nap every day. Mum was supportive and wanted to be there so she was there on the day of my surgery along with B. I spent one night in hospital then was sent home with a little Oramorph. Recovery has been plain sailing apart from occasional acute endo pain.
The endo hasn't gone away completely but it is better than it was. But that may be due to me resting a lot. I have taken nearly 6 weeks off work and I feel well rested. I have one more week before I go back to my main job on a phased return and my 2 other part time jobs as normal.
I started working for Lidl on 8th November so I can pay for Skye to have walks while mum's at work. It comes to between £112 - £163 per month and I had vet bills of £90 for her too so the extra income is much needed. I work 60-70hrs a week over 6-7 days which is tough but it keeps my mind active and stops the negative thoughts coming in. It's also good to be out socialising rather than being a hermit in the flat because of the anxiety which stops me from doing so much in life.
On a positive note, I have booked a holiday to Prague with R, A and B in July. I'm also going to the Isle of Mull in Scotland in August. I really want to travel while I have the chance and I think it is well deserved with all the hours I work.
With my medications, a lot has changed. The Pregabalin has made me put on so much weight, I now weigh 134lbs! I gave it up a couple weeks ago but it's made me ill. Definitely never going on it again. A week ago, I came down on my Sertraline from 200mg to 150mg and I'm feeling less zombie like now, I think it's having a positive impact. I'm also down to only 90mg a day of Codeine now but the doctor has added a low dose of slow release Tramadol to help with the pain. I can't take NSAIDS because of the Pregabalin withdrawal making my stomach poorly. May have to give a stool sample and blood test. Off to the doctors tomorrow so will find out more then. Been having a lot of nausea where I was living off mashed potato for a week too so the doctor has given me Cyclizine. I'm trying out new herbal supplements like Evening Primrose Oil, Cramp Bark, Spirulina Chlorophyll and Magnesium Citrate. Not sure if they're helping but I doubt it'll do much harm to keep trying them.
After being celibate for over a year, B and I decided that we would try intimacy to see if I would get pain. So far I am in pain but not as bad as I would have been pre-surgery. This is good news. I had the Mirena coil replaced during surgery to stop my periods. The surgeon said that when I have the coil removed, I'll be fertile again within a month if I wanted to try for children.
I need to try and start blogging again as I'm starting to feel a bit mentally bogged down with things all building up inside my head.
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