Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 3 weeks since my last blog.

7.45pm

I'm hiding from my emotions again. Things were going well. I have been put on a new drug called Gabapentin. Normally used to treat epilepsy but in smaller doses is supposed to work for pain. Not sure I've noticed a big difference but I'm only on a small dose. I'm too scared to up the dose incase I put on weight. My appetite has increased and I'm craving sugar all the time. It's getting disheartening and making me miserable as all I can think about are the cravings. I try everything I can to stop it but then I end up binging on a bucket load of sugar. I'm also back at work full time. And I've found out a date for my surgery in July. 

This has hit me hard. From the 11th April, I'm on Decapeptyl injections as preparation for my surgery to shrink the endometriosis (also used for prostate cancer) so there is less to cut away. But it means I will be in a menopausal state for 4 months. The first side effect of this drug is severe depression, another is pelvic pain, another is painful bleeding etc etc....all the stuff I'm supposed to be getting treated for!!! I am beyond terrified that it's going to cause depression, anxiety is eating away at me and it's affecting my day to day life. R came to visit for the weekend and I just couldn't enjoy it as I couldn't stop thinking about these damn injections and what it's going to do to me. It's making me miserable and I feel like I'm slipping back into depression again. I'm tired all the time, probably from the Gabapentin and this is dragging my mood down. I feel at a loss of what to do as I feel like I'm stuck in a corner with no choice. There's no running away because not having the surgery may mean I can't have children.

I've got so many thoughts running around my head again that I need to get them down to get rid of them. I'm supposed to be taking mum to Portugal on saturday and I haven't even had chance to think about it. I should be excited but I don't want to go. 

Trying to think of some positives.... The rats cheer me up and my friends have rallied around me for my surgery.