Seeping in the cracks

8.00am

I feel depression seeping into the cracks. I'm not sure why though. Things are going ok. I'm off to Portugal on saturday and I don't want to go. It's just too much hassle. And the flat is a mess and I feel my mind is a mess but I don't have the time or energy to process things. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

To be continued.... I have to leave for work.


9.30am
I have horrible GORD again. Knew I shouldn't have had jalapenos last night. I'm going off my food which is great so it must have been the Gabapentin that caused the massive cravings and binge eating. I think the last time I took it was tuesday morning. I've been feeling horrible ever since but I didn't think there was supposed to be withdrawal from it. I've had headaches, severe tiredness and fatigue, depression, reflux, nausea, anxiety. I wasn't told gabapentin had withdrawal symptoms. I'm just hoping that because I was taking the lowest dose and wasn't taking it for very long that the withdrawal won't last.


I just need to keep thinking that I'm feeling mentally horrible because of withdrawal now, rather than it being for no reason. I had touble with thought processes on Gabapentin and was confused alot of the time with short term memory loss. This was disturbing in itself.


A friend is going IP to hospital to get the help she needs which is fantastic. I feel a little jealous that no one thinks I'm unwell enough to have some intensive treatment for my depression. I'm trying so hard but I'm still about to get shoved out the other side of the NHS with no support. I have my friends but they can only help so much and I feel as though B is getting fed up of me.


Feeling mentally and physically awful at the moment and I've started abusing my codeine again. I have tried so hard not to go down this road again but here I am. Misguided into the wrong direction by my own brain. If I can't even control my brain, how is someone else going to help?