Resigned to feeling lonely and unwanted. And decapeptyl injections

12.00pm


I feel as though B has already made his mind up about moving away. His mum said that he wasn't happy with his day off yesterday (despite still being fully paid) as it was not enhancing his career. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday and asked him to help if he got bored but he said he wouldn't get bored and obviously didn't want to help. I found out later that he was doing some work at the cricket club instead. I asked what he was doing there and his reply was 'I don't want to talk about it!' Last time he was avoiding me (as he is now with going to the cricket ground, constantly playing on his xbox with headphones on and going out whenever he has an excuse) was because he wanted a break from my mental illness. I didn't think I'd been that bad recently but I can't blame him if he wants a break. So he's barely talking to me and isn't interested in trying to support me. All he wants to do it run 230 miles away.


This makes me feel so lonely and unworthy. I'm dealing with everything with a little help from M, A and L but the one who is supposed to be there the most, doesn't want to be. I get the feeling he's made his mind up to move but doesn't want to tell me until he finds out how I respond to the injections.


Started my Decapeptyl injections 2 days ago. It was excruciatingly painful and now I have a bubble of powder in my butt cheek muscle so I can't sit down properly. Yesterday while working a long day at work, I sobbed and sobbed because B doesn't seem to want to support me anymore. I also got VERY angry. I'm not usually like that but I'm glad I was on my own so I didn't take it out on anyone. I felt like punching walls! So I stomped around a lot instead. So the side effects I've found so far are anger, not being able to sleep and depression.


Since B's family are down this weekend, they'll probably let slip that he's talked to them about the move. I'm not looking forward to finding out for sure. I'm not sure he's matured enough to know how to handle these kind of situations and realise that now may not be the best time to be making big decisions like that. And if he really loved me and wanted what was best for me, was to start looking for other jobs once I'm a bit better.


But it's not for me to say. He just has to do what makes him happy or whats best for him. I couldn't do what was best for me like he is right now but that's where we differ.


I want to cry, scream and shout right now but I have to bottle things while at work and then bottle them again when I get home because of B. I'm terrified it'll make him back off more. So here I am internalising and making my depression worse to keep him happy. Or else lose him. I'm really really disappointed it's ended up here.