Upside down and topsy turvy

9.30am


I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I don't feel as though I have much to say. I had a meltdown last night. Probably because I drank some alcohol. Definitely avoiding it from now on. It caused me to also binge on biscuits and crisps. I feel ashamed. I even smoked and I don't know why. I was desperate for anything to make me feel better and I was running out of options. B ended up dragging me to bed at 3am where I cried in his arms. He was amazing. He tried taking my mind off it with questions unrelated to my depression and held my hand. I wasn't expecting any of that and I don't think he's ever been quite that attentive during meltdown in the night. It made me feel even more ashamed and guilty for smoking and drinking.


Here I sit at work, very tired, no motivation and depressed as hell. I really don't feel as though I should be at work today. I'm tossing up whether to take a load of codeine just to get me through the day. I need something.