Hard times and good times

11.00am

I've been putting off posting out of partly laziness and partly avoiding writing down my feelings. It's just easier to suppress everything. I've come to realise that I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. I'm just leading this sad existence that seems like it'll go on until the day I die. Feels like it would be easier to just cut my losses now and end it all. I'm trying so hard and although I have improved, I'm no where near being happy. I'm running out of options to try to be happy. I still partly blame myself for dad's death, I miss his so so much and I just want to know that he's ok. Although I was on the phone to him while he died, we never got a proper goodbye. 

NEWS FLASH - I'm going to be a Great Auntie in July. My niece is pregnant but didn't know. Part of me think it's a gift from Dad but at the same time, I think Dad is gone so that's not possible. I'm happy for her but I think it may well end up putting a strain on the family. 

B and I went to Butlins at the weekend. We had a great time. Watched Dick and Dom live on stage, played loads of games at the arcade, did the high ropes, climbing wall, 50ft free fall and went to the water park. 

I've seen M and A a couple times which always lifts my moods. Although I worry so much about A who is unwell and I really really hope she gets better. I want to be supportive but I don't want to encourage it. I won't go into detail as it's not for me to say but if she stays ill, it's going to change her life forever and not for the better. Nothing good is going to come from it and if she does get better, she'll look back and regret all the times she lost from the illness. But at the same time, it is an illness so I am compassionate when it comes to it. 

I start back on work on thursday. I'm doing 4 hours on Thursday and Friday and next week I'll be doing 5 hours a day. I'm excited but nervous. It could go 1 of 2 ways. It could create a routine to ease me back into a normal life or it could make me feel out of control and worsen the depression. In which case, I cannot take any more time off because I have to save the rest of my paid sick leave until the summer when I have my surgery. 

Feeling quite down and out of control at the moment. Of course this leads me to having control over food. I ate so much at Butlins that I put on 3-4 lbs. Some of which will be food weight but now I'm going to be back at work with a routine, I can start working on a strick eating routine. I will struggle because I'm so weak with no willpower. This also lowers my mood but when I succeed in losing weight, my mood lifts. 

I forgot to take codeine to Butlins with me so I'm currently 3.5 days off of codeine. The withdrawal is really draining but I want to keep it going. From Saturday, I should be feeling much better from the withdrawal. Days 3-5 are supposed to be the worst so I'm going to be gentle with myself.

My CBT therapy is going well. I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, I just struggle implementing what I've learned. They say to force myself to do things that I don't want to, but then I do it and feel miserable after because I really didn't want to do it. One example was rock climbing. I love climbing!! But I really didn't feel like going, forced myself and came back feeling worse. 

I need to keep up with the blogging more instead of avoiding it. I need to get my emotions out instead of bottling it up like I used to.