Avoiding emotions

11.30pm (1st February, post writing went past midnight)

I haven't been blogging because I've been avoiding my emotions rather than dealing with them. I thought I was doing ok, them I made myself think everything was fine and now tonight after having some alcohol and remembering it's been 6 months to the day since dad died, I'm a mess again. There's so much bad emotion pent up inside that I honestly just want to go take an overdose. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want B having to deal with Timmy on his own as it's alot of pressure. 

Timmy is one of my 3 rats who I have grown to love like family. Each has their own personality and are so sweet in every way, even when trying to steal food off your dinner plate. On Saturday 23rd January, I accidentally stood on Timmy while he was roaming around. He squealed and ran away in shock but seemed to be fine until the following wednesday night when he was squealing in agony. The next day, I made an appointment where he was given a quick check over and some painkillers. I waited 2 days but he was still squealing in pain so I took him back to the vet on Sunday. They booked him in for an x-ray and an ultrasound which he had today. They found he had chipped a bone in his shoulder and has a small mass on his liver which is either a tumour or trauma from me stepping on him. He's now on the equivalent of morphine and if he doesn't improve in the next week, he'll have to be euthanised and it;s all my fault. 

B is very down at the moment about various things so I'm doing my utmost to support him. The flat is a mess and I'm eating far too much of all the wrong things. Just when I started feeling like I had a hold on things, they're starting to slip from my grasp. 

I keep remembering dad, laying dead on the floor with gunked eyes, grey, and clammy with the blank expression in his eyes. Then him being wheeled away on the morgue trolley. Then going to see him in the chapel of rest, feeling where he had been cut open for his autopsy, putting the fathers day card under his hand which he had kept for years. Then burying him. It's all stuff I try to suppress. I imagine hugging him again and feel the pain that it's never going to happen again. I'm terrified of forgetting what he looks like and his mannerisms and character. I can't talk to B about any of it as he's preoccupied with his own things.

On the plus side, I had a great weekend with A. It was refreshing to forget about everything else and just have some girly time. Kind of therapeutic in a way. I just wish there was more I could do to help her. She's very supportive and it's great I can add another friend to my list.

I've got so much going on in my head that I'm forgetting it all. I still find the blog refreshing but I'm not sure if anyone is reading it. In which case, it's completely pointless. I set it up so my friends could see how I was feeling without me feeling like a plonker talking about it and it all coming out wrong. But saying that, I literally just type whatever comes into my head and I don't even proof read it. 

It's going to be past midnight by the time I finish this post but I'm still writing for 1st February.

I guess I have a lot to get off my chest. I've just taken codeine, tramadol, diazepam and zopiclone to calm me down and get me to sleep. I was doing so well at getting to bed at a reasonable time and getting up at an ok-ish time. I was trying to train myself ready for going back to work. I was also on top on the flat tidying and cleaning. That's all gone out of the window now along with my diet. I've not given up on my diet, there are just too many temptations in the way and I've not been in contact or seen M as much. She always seems to keep me on track. So all in all, my life feels more out of control. Why can't I just be ok with that? Life in unplanned and unpredictable. I know this, yet I feel like I need to be in control of every part of it. Maybe it's something I need to bring up with my therapist but everytime I go, I forget to talk about important things I've thought about. I know I should write them down but I'd feel like a right idiot going in there and getting out a list and going through it. Just like I feel like am idiot writing all of this down on the internet for all to see.

I need guidance and reassurance from friends but since I was feeling a bit better, I think they assume that I'm just on the mend. I still have troughs where I feel as though I can't cope. They pop up randomly and unexpectedly. That's something else I can't cope with, more unpredictability I don't need. Just like endometriosis pain. 

I know everyone feels like this at times but I just need a break from my own mind. It's CONSTANTLY overloaded with thoughts, mostly negative that I fight but I have no control over them popping up in the first place. Every minute of every day is a constant battle and I'm getting so tired. It's exhausting. I'm not a fighter, never have been. But I'm also not a quitter. I'm torn between quitting and fighting, as at the end of the day, that's what my life is about. At the moment I'm having no choice but to fight. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying life and everyday is a struggle. At what point do I stop fighting and quit?