I feel like giving up

12.30am

Once again, I have broken down into a complete state. I am exhausted and I have so much whizzing around my head that I can't even begin to cope,

M has been beyond reproach. She is amazing and has done so much for me, especially tonight. I appreciate it more than she'll ever know but yet here I am having a melt down.

It's late, I don't want to wake her and make her sleep deprived, that's not fair. So it's my own decision but I feel soooo lonely right now despite her being one room away. B is asleep so I don't want to wake him either. I feel as though life isn't worth living with how I feel and I feel so guilty that M has made so much effort and yet I still feel like this.

I have too much to cope with. I have hit rock bottom and quite frankly, right now, I'd rather be dead. I can't support mum, myself, B AND a full time job that has serious demands at the moment AND a part time course of which I have assessments for next week that I have no time to prepare for.

I want to drop dead, I even asked for God to take me (if there even is one). I'm so desperate and I feel like I'm losing a losing battle. I'm not coping at all.

12.50am

DEPRESSION RUINS YOUR LIFE. I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I can say on here that it's 'unbearable' but until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea. Suicide is such an ugly word but I can see why people do it. What's the point in living if you're never happy and you're just making the people around you unhappy? My life is one big lie. "I'm fine" and "I'll be OK"' are all lies. I know that these feelings will come back and that once again for the millionth time I will be contemplating suicide. With pain from something physical, you can scream and shout to convey how you feel in an acceptable way. With mental illness, you feel as though you have a silencer on you. Doesn't matter how much pain you're going through, you can't let people know. It's too embarrassing, humiliating and damaging to your reputation that you'd rather it get to the point where you commit suicide than affect those that are important around you.

This is the deepest I've ever conveyed my emotions of depression. I just hope it can give an insight of what it can be like. It's a living hell.