No quality of life

7.15am

Another quick post. I don't have time for anything at the moment. It's all work work work. I've been working my ass off and seem to be getting nowhere, it's so depressing. I worked 11.5 hours yesterday and each day I'm getting dragged down more and more physically and emotionally. After all those hours, I came home and cleaned the kitchen and cooked. I needed to unwind so I did a crossword and read my book but that took me until nearly midnight as I didn't get home until around 8pm. So I've had only 6 hours sleep.

According to my scales, I have put on 2lbs. Very disappointing. I didn't regret before that I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted around my birthday but now I do. It's going to be so humiliating at the Slimming World meeting tomorrow. CBT today. May have to go back to work afterwards as I have so much to do. I somehow need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too. Everything is stacking up and it's suffocating.

6.00pm

My CBT therapist took an hour to make me realise that my workload is too much for one person, let alone for one person suffering with severe depression, anxiety and endometriosis. I went back to work after, picked up my belongings and left at 5pm instead of 8pm. I will speak to my manager tomorrow to get help with my workload. My teaching course is really suffering. I am suffering. I got home and sat in the car and sobbed for half an hour. I'm missing dad so much. It's times like these when I could call him and talk to him about it all. He would give me advice and be the fantastic father he had been for the past couple of years. I haven't been able to talk to him for 4 months and 3 days and it feels like forever. I miss him so much and there is NOTHING I can do to feel better about it. It's like my heart has been ripped out and shredded to pieces. I am finding it so hard to convey my emotions and how bad I am feeling. Part of me wants to die just so that I can get to see him again. I miss his wisdom, his crassness, sense of humour, strong presence, quick wittiness, his passion for the things he believed in, his love of nature, his reliableness and most of all, his pure character. There are obviously things about him that I don't miss but I don't want to think about them, I want to remember all the good things but all the good things are the things that make me miss him so damn much. I am hurting so much on the inside and no one can see it on the outside. I feel invisible.

11.10pm

Email sent to therapist as I don't know what else to do:

Tried to find my Line Manager today but he wasn't in. Will try again tomorrow. I left work at 5pm but got home and sat in the car and just cried about everything but mainly about missing Dad. I haven't managed to stop all evening apart from when my mum sent a text to say she'd had a bad day. 

I called to see if she was OK and it led to a 60 minute conversation about how she's not coping and finding it extremely difficult. I'm offering her loads of advice and ideas but she refuses to do anything to help herself which in turn will help me. 

So now I have to go home this weekend to help her out with the dog because she can't cope and it means I'm going to be more exhausted and even more behind on my teaching course. I can't not go if she's so upset she's sobbing down the phone to me. I try to talk to her about how I feel but she says that what she's going through is worse and that with my mental health, it makes her worry about me which increases her problems.

So with trying to support my mum when I can't even support myself right now on top of everything else, I feel like I'm in a crisis again where I can't calm down and it's too late in the evening to call my friends. Ben is asleep so I can't talk to him.

Taken diazepam and going to try to do a crossword but to be honest, I really don't feel like living right now. Everything is unbearable. I was supposed to get an early night at 9pm to make up for all the lack of sleep. It's now gone 11pm and I'm still in a state. I don't know what to do.

Holly.