Making decisions

10.30am

I haven't blogged in ages because I have been so busy and feeling so down trodden. The depression has hit an all time low to the point where my CBT therapist and family are very concerned. And they don't even know everything that I'm feeling but I couldn't stop crying and beating myself up about things that weren't even my fault. I have had to up my dose of Diazepam at times just to get through difficult times.

Sunday night I ended up in hospital due to stress related gastric-oesophageal reflux and I lost 4.5lbs this week as a result. It also led me to take most of the week off work too. I am feeling so incredibly guilty about taking the time off but I know that if I continue to work through the illnesses and depression, there is no hope of being able to get better. This has led me to make the conscious decision to take next week off work and possibly the week after too. This leads to repercussions on my team at work which I feel awful about and makes me more depressed. But I am going to use the week to catch up on my teaching course, spend time with my beloved border collie and hopefully start enjoying life and working through my demons. I need to learn to take the pressure off myself and stop worrying about everyone else.

Yesterday was the tree planting for dads grave at the woodland burial site. It was hard, especially with all the family there but my best friend made an appearance which was really supportive. 

Slimming World has been going great. I really enjoy it and look forward to it each week. 

The weather is getting me down. I want to be able to go out and enjoy walks but its not great when it's blowing a gale and raining most of the time.