Down day

12.00am

I've been getting depressed today over my assignment. I have so much to do and it's due on the 18th. And I emailed my tutor asking if I am even allowed to submit it because I'm off sick and not allowed to attend classes. In which case, there would be no point worrying or starting it. So this has kicked off anxiety and has led to me taking:
150mg tramadol
90mg codeine
15mg diazepam
So I relapsed in a time of weakness and this makes me feel like a failure. But at the same time, I am in pain, just not enough to constitute taking those many painkillers. It doesn't help that I've been using CBT techniques to plan things to do for the day but haven't been able to stick to them and spend the whole day watching tv and being on MPA. It's a very sad existence.

Not leaving the flat is definitely not helping so tomorrow I plan to cycle to town to pick up my prescriptions and then cycle to my CBT session. I miss exercising so badly but I fear it because it sets off my Endometriosis which leads to more painkillers. But once I'm under 8st (which I may change to 7st 12, I will definitely be treating myself to a months climbing membership. But at the moment, money is extremely tight and I've had to borrow money off B to get through this month. And with B going self employed, finances are rocky as it is. I know we'll get through but we just had a food shop of £120 which was mainly down to the amount of meat B eats. I've been trying to get him to keep the costs of food down but he loves his food so I can't deny him that.

Feeling very angered at the moment as my best friend is really unhappy. A friend of hers constantly belittles her, knocking the confidence of a beautiful, talented and loyal young lady (although maybe 'lady' can be debatable at times hehe - only kidding 😉). I don't know why bad things happen to such good people and I defend my friends to the hilt. I never stand up for myself but will always stand up to my friends. I really want to say something to the kniving cow but I know it wouldn't help M. But one day, I'll slip in some clever snide remark that will take her down a peg or two because M deserves so much better.

On a happier note, R has 2 dates in the pipeline, I'm super excited for him and have all fingers crossed that it works out. Although he can be a drunken idiot at times, he has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys I know. Such a gentleman, I don't know how he doesn't ensnare the hearts of many other ladies. I think his confidence knocks him back. If he acted on a date how he acts around me, there would be no problem.

Along with B, I am so lucky to have these people in my life. Makes me feel like I must be doing something right. I just wish depression wasn't sitting on my mind like a rotting corpse. 'Pain demands to be felt.' Hell yes it does! And I'm sick of it. The only things healing me are B, M and R <3