Life is never going to be the same

1.30pm

I've started feeling as though with this bought of depression, that my life will never be the same again. I'm always going to be battling and straining to get through everyday which is going to be exhausting. Makes me not look forward to life. This makes me really sad. I want to be happy and I want to enjoy life. 

Yesterday I started thinking about the past and why certain things happened and wondering why. I feel awful for plastering things over the internet about my family and the past that happened so I don't think I'll mention specifics. I feel locked up in this sense as I can't talk about it and try to resolve it. 

I know I need to work more on my routine. I'm going to start using a diary from my CBT sessions to plan out my days. I was hoping to go for a long cycle today but we had a physiotherapist come around for B's back which he told me nothing about. So we had a mad clear up of the flat for 20 minutes before he arrived. Tomorrow the weather isn't looking great for a cycle and the next day is going to be tipping it down with rain. Not sure what to do, I'm so limited with the lack of daylight. Plus I just randomly started feeling sick today after breakfast.

I'm having real trouble sleeping recently. The past couple nights I've had to take sleeping tablets but I'm not allowed to take it more than twice in a row or 3 times in a week or it loses it's effectiveness. It gets to the evening and I'm tired but I feel wired physically. Feels like anxiety but I don't have a raise heart rate which is odd. I barely drink caffeine so I'm not sure what it is, it's like I'm scared of going to sleep or something. It gets to 12.00-2.00am and I force myself to sleep but it takes 2-3 hours and then I wake up late and it's a perpetual cycle. The plan is to force myself to try to sleep at 11.00pm at the latest and force myself up at the latest of 8.00am, regardless of how I have slept. Didn't get to sleep last night until about 4-4.30am and I was so ravenous!!! I ate 2 big handfuls of carrot sticks and was still too hungry to sleep but I know I can't eat in the middle of the night. And it doesn't help that I'm constantly cold at night. Managed to finally warm up after putting on my fluffy onesie with a hood, blanket, quilt, another blanket and then my dressing gown. 

I know I'm thinking about and worrying about too many things. And it's silly things I can't do anything about like worrying about the homeless people on the streets in this cold weather. 

So all in all, I'm anxious because I can't exercise, I have no routine and I'm not getting enough sleep. I want to try and get off the codeine (again) but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. I will see if I can go without until the end of dry january - which is still going well. I'm feeling quite chuffed that I've stuck to it. I'm having that feeling on being on edge still so I am going to test out if it is actually anxiety and take some diazepam. If it doesn't take the edge off then it's just all in my head.

Last night I didn't sleep much, but when I was asleep, I was having very strange dreams again. I had a dream with dad in it but this time, there was nothing about his death. It was as if he had never died but he wasn't his usual self, he was happier but in a slightly manic way doing things he wouldn't usually do (in this case, sign up for the primark newsletter!!). And we went with heroin addicts, one of which vomited on the floor. Dad laughed and said it must have been the mineral water he drank. I wish I knew how my mind worked.