Stabilising and TOM

7.30pm

Doesn't feel like a whole week since I last blogged. I've been busy seeing a friend at a seaside town, I love spending time with her, everything is so easy and understanding. There's no judging so I feel free to be myself. I'm glad I've made a new friend (called A).

I've been spending time with M as usual which never disappoints. I've been helping mum move, setting up her internet, tv account, organising for the telephone engineer to sort her phone line, sorting a mobile phone that has signal in her village and driving her to hand her keys in to the old house, just to name a few. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. This was my childhood home that I grew up in and it holds so many good and bad memories. The house signifies all the bad memories in my life but I'm still finding it so hard to let go. My beloved dog, my best friend was buried in that garden and we're leaving her behind. I feel so damn guilty. Not to mention my hamsters, guinea pig, mouse, rabbit, cat, budgie, stick insects, fish and various wild animals were buried there. When I used to visit my parents, I would say I'm going 'home'. Now I'm going to 'mums' as its a new building and not my home. My home isn't there for me now. It's hard to find closure on this. But on the positive side, the dog (that is alive) is happy in the new house which surprised everyone as she's usually extremely sensitive but she's acting like she's always lived there. This takes away my worry. Mum's happier now she's moved but she always has something to complain about. First it was 'I'll be happy once I know I'll be moving' then 'I'll be happy once I've been given a date to move' then 'I'll be happy once I've moved' then 'I'll be happy once I've given the keys in so I can get closure' then 'I'll be happy when everything is properly unpacked'. Each of these statements were accompanied by her saying that she'll get her drinking under control but then there was always another excuse. This will just keep going on and on. She's an alcoholic and she doesn't want to stop. 

I've noticed my mood is much more stable now. *Touch wood* I don't seem to have meltdowns anymore. Things which would get me really down before, I would constantly think about, making it 100 times worse but now I'm better at brushing it off. I'm not better by any means and as I said before, I'm never going to be the same again, always terrified that I'm going to go back to how I was. I'm still depressed but medicated enough to function better. I'm still struggling with constant fatigue which there is no medical explanation for. Makes me feel like I'm just lazy but I get unbelievably drowsy where I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days. 

My endo has been worse and I was in horrible pain for 5 days and then on wednesday, I started my first proper TOM in 3 and a half years. It's slowing down now and it wasn't horrendous like they used to be. I know this is TMI but I've added it in for my own reference.

I'm still addicted to codeine. I still feel shit because of that. I keep getting pain where my liver is. When I had gastric reflux, the doctor said it could be an indication of gall stones but I'm just going to ignore it. It's probably nothing. I'm just worried I may be damaging my liver with all the medication I'm on. I'm starting to look more towards the future and I want it to be drug free. I'm still alcohol free and I'm feeling amazingly proud of myself and B. I'm not going to lie, I have wanted a drink at times but I just distract myself and it goes away. I'm not even sure I want to start drinking again after dry january.

I also feel good about starting a 'Help to Buy ISA'. I have to borrow £1000 of B to put in it and then pay in £200 a month. This will leave me £250 a month to live off once I take out bills and direct debits. So things will be tight but I'm excited that it's a proper start to saving for a mortgage. We plan in 2 years times to have a mortgage. 

So as you can see, 14 months on from the diagnosis (not even then start of the depression), I'm starting to get better. My sleep patterns are getting better, making myself go to bed earlier. I have amazing friends, an amazing (pain in the ass) boyfriend even if I don't have a supportive family. I can pick my friends so I don't need my family. I've learned from therapy that I can't keep holding on, hoping for something that won't happen so I've let them go.