CBT and exercise

8.30pm

I had my CBT session and it went OK. Although the new therapist had barely looked at my notes and didn't know anything about me. It was just a session on her to find out about me which seems a big waste when there are notes she could have studied beforehand. I wasn't impressed. And she's supposed to be a really good according to my last therapist. And I'm only supposed to have 6 sessions apparently. If I'm not well after the 6th session, surely they can't ditch me, can they?

I went to see my doctor today and she signed me off for another 4 weeks which is fantastic. Such a relief. But I still haven't heard back of whether I am allowed to submit my assignment. There's no way I'll be able to do it in time now. 

Mum rang today to say she's really stressed out and really struggling with the move. So I had no choice but to say that I'll come down to help. It's the last thing I need right now, I need my own space. So, tomorrow will be slogging my guts out while she's at work. 

Today I decided to be proactive. I cycled 21 miles. I thought before I started that if I only make it half way and turn back then that's fine but I will see it as a failure. Then I thought, I have to get to my destination to get to the beach, sit there and think about dad. So I said to myself that I will do it for dad. AND I DID IT!! I'm really proud of myself and I found it really difficult on the way back, struggling to get my legs to work. Came home suffering with a bit of low blood sugar but I feel as though I have accomplished something. I can do things if I put my mind to it.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a reoccurring dream about dad. I had another where I knew he was supposed to be dead. But I sat him down and explained that I had booked a holiday for mum and I while he was gone, but now he was back, I gave him the tickets so he could go with mum instead. 

And I had another dream where he came back. I asked where he had been and he said he had been working at sea as a trawlerman (which was his occupation most of his life), but he seemed really sheepish about it after he made me believe he was dead. I felt like things didn't add up and kept probing him for where he really was. He came out with the truth and said he had actually been in prison and I cried because I felt so hurt and betrayed. Then the next part of the dream was that I was in a car chase against someone (possibly dad) and the person driving the car I was in was a friend of dads (no one I knew). I woke up crying from this dream, still feeling the hurt and betrayal that he had lied about being dead because he was in prison. Then realised it was only a dream. But it didn't take long for the reality to hit me that he was actually dead. 

The dreams get more frequent, more complicated and more bizarre, the less I think about dad. It's a subject that upsets me and sets back my depression so I try not to think about it. It's making my quality of sleep bad and that makes me feel tired and depressed.

But on the whole, I think I'm doing ok. I'm not as bad as I was. 

My eating has also improved. Rather than eating once a day, I've decided to go back whole heartedly on the slimming world diet and have been eating 3 meals a day. I only lost 1lb this week so maybe starving myself doesn't work. If I don't lose weight next week after doing the proper SW diet then I'm not sure what to do. I'm adding in exercise now too. Wednesday I cycled about 4 miles and today 21 miles. Tomorrow I'll be packing and lifting heavy boxes all day. I will do another long-ish cycle next week, but not 21 miles. Maybe 10 miles, that will be nice and easy.

I've realised recently that I can now look back and see how truly ill I was. I was extremely poorly but I was in denial and refused to see it and tried to soldier on. I know now it was a mistake. But if I had gone off work earlier then I wouldn't have thought I was poorly enough to be taking the time off.