Slow start

1.45pm

I have been signed off work for a minimum of 2 weeks, more if I need to. My dosage of anti-depressants has been upped to the maximum dosage now too. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm looking forward to looking after myself and finding enjoyment out of life again.

Today I made a big step. I was overwhelmed by how messy the flat is and got extremely stressed and anxious. But then I took a step back and tried to think of a different view on it. In the end, I said to myself that I will just tidy the living room where I will be spending most of my day and then do a different part of the flat when I feel ready to. Yes the mess is still there but I need to accept that everything can't be fixed straight away.

Over the past few nights, I feel as though I have been spiralling out of control with codeine, tramadol, diazepam and alcohol. I have been binging on them all which I feel awful about. Today I'm going to try and make the conscious decision to not drink and take the drugs as much. But I will take baby steps, I can't just cut them out completely, I need it to be a slower process.

So right now, I'm doing everything I can to help myself. I even missed my teacher training course this morning because I didn't feel as though I was up to it. Putting myself first is a strange experience.

I have dog-napped my beautiful border collie from mum for the week so that gives me the excuse to get out the flat and get some exercise. She's a great stress reliever. It's just annoying I live in a top floor flat so can't go out for play time whenever she feels like it.

Also, my slimming world diet has gone completely out the window but today is a new day.

3.20pm

I've done something bad. I've taken 136mg codeine (over double the maximum dose) with the maximum dose of diazepam. I just want to get away from the anxiety and feel numb. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think it was last christmas when we spent a week in a lodge as a family and had an amazing time. I'm looking forward to spending christmas at the lodge again with my family, everyone is so relaxed and carefree, it really is wonderful. The only elephant in the room will be the fact that Dad won't be with us. But we have the memory there that he was the happiest I had ever seen him while he was there. However, he did make things very awkward and usually was very pessimistic which I found extremely stressful. However, I would rather he was still here and deal with that than miss him like hell. With mum wrapped up in her own world back then, I didn't have any emotional support whereas dad was always telling me he loved me and was proud of me. I miss that and the absence of that has fueled the depression I think. All I wanted was to make him proud and I think I managed that. I'm grateful he recognised it. 

Most days, I try to stay busy and distract myself from the thought of dad not being here anymore, which is good in that I don't break down about it. But it is bad in the sense that it distracts me from dealing with the depression too. And now I'm here, drowning in a pit of depression, anxiety and stress which not only affects my health, but my relationships with my family, boyfriend and friends. My life is falling apart from from today, I need to recognise that it's not just shattered pieces lying on the ground, it's just a jigsaw that I need to slowly piece back together again. I'm going to need the support of my friends, boyfriend and family for that. My family have started providing support, my friends have been fantastic even if they've been busy and not been able to contact me much. I feel as though I've been selfishly so wrapped up in my own world that I haven't been there enough. I do try my hardest though but I need to stop at the detriment to myself and just support them when I can. When I'm better, I can help them more. As for B, although there have been ups and downs, he has been beyond reproach. Especially recently since I decided to take the time off work to try and get better. I think before, he was resentful that I was doing nothing to help myself and putting everyone else first, making my depression worse as a result. He is amazing and so supportive. He recognises it as an illness, rather than an inconvenience. He works extremely hard in his job and then comes home and has to deal with me. I must be making his life so hard but I have been trying extremely hard to get better for him. But then I do know that I also need to get better for me too. It's taken a rollercoaster of a year but I have finally accepted the depression, accepted that it's not going to get better unless I whole heartedly try to fight it by changing things in my life. Taking this time off work is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I won't go back until I know I am better. I can't take this depression any more. It has to go. It's an ugly and destructive disease.

10.15pm

I am feeling weak......again. I am about to take another 100mg tramadol, 10mg diazepam, 136mg codeine and 7.5mg zopiclone. I am hoping tomorrow, I will be stronger but with the flat in such a state, my mind is in chaos and the anxiety hits me. When the flat is clean and tidy, I am stronger. I can't carry on doing this. I think subconsciously, I'm scared of the road to recovery. It's going to be so difficult. It doesn't help that my boss at work is subtly making me feel guilty and inadequate for taking time off.

I just want to be happy and normal. Not constantly OVERTHINKING everything, ASSUMING the WORST, SCARED of living, SECOND GUESSING what is around the corner, DREADING another day - EVERYDAY, putting on an ACT all the time, feeling emotional and mental PAIN that has no painkiller, lack of CONFIDENCE, unable to SMILE and living in an OVERWHELMING DARKNESS. It's such a sad existence.

I don't know how much more I can take.