Frodo goes to the vet

10.00am

Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)

I took Frodo to the vet this morning to have his teeth filed down. It was so sad. He was obviously in destress because he was away from his brothers for the first time ever. I'm feeling really bad that I had to take him but he needs the procedure done. I'm just worried he will be in pain afterwards even though it's not an invasive procedure.

Ben toook out the binbag this morning without asking! And did part of the washing up last night without asking! We are getting somewhere but it took me cutting my wrist for him to do it. And it'll only last so long. I just hope he'll make the effort to pick up after himself. He left things on the window sill last night so it's going to be a long road.

I'm still very tired today so I will ring the doctor on friday and request the blood test.

Snack = Green tea, fruit and veg smoothie (147 cals)

Lunch = Lentil soup and Nakd bar (327 cals)

Dinner = Mexican pizza and quavers (513 cals)

Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine (370 cals)

8.45pm

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head so I'll try and write coherently. Firstly, Frodo is back from the vets but he's so withdrawn, I feel so damn guilty. I'm trying to give him some tasty foods to gain the trust back but he's not biting (pardon the pun). Secondly, I had my CBT appointment today and she didn't look at my questionnaire until right at the end of the session which indicates my moods for the past week. She's meant to look at it at the start. It asks on there if you plan on harming yourself and asks if you have harmed yourself. I was honest and said yes to the fact that I have harmed myself so she made me explain what happened. She seemed frustrated that I didn't mention it at the beginning but the moment never arose. I was too busy telling her about what a great time I had on Sunday with my best friend. She seemed quite disappointed and I came away feeling more shit about myself than I had before. At the end of each session, she gives me thing to work on. Last week was to start making time for myself and stop making all my time about putting other people first. This week is to evaluate before I think about putting others first. Will putting myself first be to the detriment of someone else in that particular scenario? Hopefully this analysis will help me to spend more time looking after me and hopefully I can start to get better. But......tonight I'm finding that a huge challenge. I called my mum to say I had bought some medication for the dog. The conversation was fine until she said 'It doesn't matter anyway as I don't feel like I'll be here much longer with the way I'm feeling'. This hit me like a brick in the chest. I hurt that she's hurting so much. I may give her another call soon to check on her. I feel as though I'm not doing enough for her as I'm 40 miles away and I don't have the time or the money to keep seeing her on a regular basis. As a result, my sister is having to pick up the pieces. Mum is obviously very clingy and spending a lot of time with them when they have busy lives themselves. I don't know what to do. I feel very hopeless tonight. I'm so worried about my family. I know I'm struggling but it never escapes my mind that they are too.

Total calories = 1681

Not in the right mind to tell you all about it tonight but the CRISIS team were called because I've been in an absolute state. Might talk more about it tomorrow.