Hearing things in my head

7.15am

Woke up really not looking forward to today although I am very much enjoying the new clean flat. It makes such a difference to my mood. In the middle of the night, I woke up screaming because I thought I'd heard some sort of technology go off really loudly from my bedside table and I recoiled from it. Apparently it was all in my head but it was so loud! Such a strange experience. So now I kind feel like I'm going crazy.

I had really bad pain from my endometriosis that even a full dose of codeine couldn't help so I had 2 full doses of tramadol yesterday. The pain was still there, but not as bad. It's ok this morning but it could still flare up.

Breakfast = Porridge with seeds (324 cals)

Lunch = Salad a la M with brie and veggie gammon (536 cals)

12.00pm

Had a very busy morning at work. It seems as though whenever I am busy, I suddenly get really tired and can't function. I can't think why this is. I'm eating more healthily and despite waking up screaming, I slept quite well last night. I seem to have some sort of chronic fatigue going on. I'll mention it at the doctors next time I go. I also need to get her to book me into a blood test to check my thyroid. I've just had half a mocha to try and wake me up a bit. Can't have too much caffeine as I'm quite sensitive to it. I'll have some lunch now and then I'll get on with some of my teaching course stuff if I can. Should be able to leave work on time today which is great!

Snack = Banana and Muller rice corner (266 cals)

4.00pm

I have been so unbelievably tired. I am so sick of feeling tired all the damn time and I have no idea why it is. I'm in work desperately needing a nap to function. As a result, I've not been productive this afternoon and it stresses me out. Starting to think of dad a bit more today. I've been blocking it from my mind but I think I'll try and face it tonight.

7.45pm

Dinner = Homemade tomato soup and pitta (284 cals)

So I've been thinking lightly about dad tonight. Forcing myself to focus wholly on it would be detrimental. It's strange as usually I would be bawling my eyes out but I'm strangely calm and numb. Doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm worthless though. I feel like I deserve to be breaking down about it. I am also really craving unhealthy food but I'm not going to go over my allotted calories or that will make me feel more worthless. I want life to be over tonight. 

Tonight I feel as though I'm sick of living. 

Alcohol = 3 shots of vodka (207 cals)

9.40pm

B came back from the friends flat downstairs. I hid the fact that I had been crying. He really wanted a back massage to help with his sciatica so I obliged. Now he's asleep so he doesn't have to see my turmoil while I'm sat in the spare room. It's peaceful and neutral in here. Holds no memories. But here I am, sat feeling numb but also feeling like I need to cry but can't. I feel so confused. I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, unwinding with my book. But nights like these catch me unaware. My mind is all over the place and I feel lost. I don't know what I should be thinking. I feel like I should be thinking about dad but my head is so chaotic that I can't think of one thing for more than a second. B just came in as he noticed I was missing from the bed. I told him I needed some time to myself and he's gone. He'll be asleep in 2 minutes time. Doesn't bother him enough to stay awake for. I feel like I want to self harm again. I self harmed about 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I need to again to snap me out of this numbness. Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't self harmed since about 5 months ago. I feel ashamed to admit it but I need to be honest in this. I always hit the issue of where to do it. I always do it in places that look like an 'accident' or places that will never get seen by someone else. Taking codeine, tramadol and diazepam is also going around my head. What to do??.....

After thinking about things, I think about how many people I know are engaged and/or having kids. I'm not good enough for either of these things because I'm so fucked up. Or I've not earned enough income to deserve either of these things. For better or worse.....with me it's always worse so I can see why no one would want to tie the knot with me. I can't describe the feeling of being so worthless. All I can say is that it's so painful.