New day, same old depression and anxiety

I plan to do daily blogs when I can. They will probably be really long but the purpose of this is somewhere to relay all my thoughts. I will post updates and add on more to it as the day goes on.

7.00am

I had strange dreams last night, as I have most nights. I either really struggle to sleep, or have dreams all night that make me feel tired when I wake up. Being tired all the time is a constant battle which perpetuates the depression cycle.

I've been toying with the idea of trying to lose the 22lbs I have put on due to my anti-depressants. My best friend (who I will call M) has made a diet blog to encourage her weightloss. She wants to do it to look better but she's already beautiful as she is. However, it doesn't matter about her reasons, all that matters is that I'm there to support her. My reason for motivating her is her health. Life is so much easier when you have good health.

My reasons for weightloss is different. I use it as a form of control. Over the past 2 years, I have used it obsessively at times. I would go 1-2 days at a time without eating. This doesn't sound much but I have a very active job. Also, I think 'How can my boyfriend like me when I have put on this much weight?' He's already a bit more distant and my weight is obviously a problem for him. Even if he won't say so.

I just want to start off by eating a bit healthier. I don't want to be starving myself again. Although I have started taking 7 different diet pills again which may interfere with my anti-depressants. I will have to closely monitor it.

So here's to my breakfast of porridge.

Weight = 130.2lbs
BMI = 24.6

9.00am

Got to work and I'm feeling very very anxious. I have so much to do today and I don't know how I am going to do it all by 6.00pm when all my friends are coming around for food and a film. I forgot to mention earlier that I have a full time job and I'm doing a part time course on top for teacher training. I took my first lesson yesterday all by myself as my colleague was off sick and it went OK but the behaviour was an issue. I think I dealt with it OK though. Not amazing, but OK I delivered a good informative lesson.

10.45am

I feel sick and my stomach is rumbling. I'm sooo hungry so I'm having a graze snack of 'Vitamin C Crush' and a Muller Corner yoghurt. The anxiety is starting to get a little overwhelming. It's only because I haven't taken codeine since Wednesday. The withdrawal causes horrendous anxiety. I took 240mg on Wednesday night to cope with how I was feeling (twice the maximum dose). I try to take codeine as little as possible. Same goes for diazepam. Withdrawal from diazepam is really horrible and I don't want to go down that road. So I take about 5mg of Diazepam a week. I may take some over the counter co-codamol which only has 16mg of codeine in it and that can stave off the anxiety just enough to keep functioning at work.

3.45pm

So I did a bit of teaching today. That was fine. Although I have 20 assignments to mark this weekend. Lunch was a salad with pasta and feta. Anxiety has gone through the roof. Instead of doing work, I'm sat writing this when really I don't have the time. It's come out of nowhere and I feel as though there is a big weight on my chest and I'm struggling to breathe. No one really knows what anxiety like this is like unless they've experienced it for themselves.

5.00pm

I have so much to do that I feel overwhelmed. The anxiety is awful and I don't want to get on with the work I've got to do. I made a list so what I'm doing can be more structured but it still seems alot. I have so much washing up to do!

8.00pm

Had takeaway chips and Quorn chicken burgers for tea. Forgot to mention I have been a vegetarian for 18 years.