It's a new dawn

6.30pm

I haven't blogged in the past 2 days. I have been unbelievably busy. On Monday I did a 10 hour day at work, yesterday I did a 14 hour day. Within that was 3 hours for my teaching course and 2 hours for seeing someone at the bereavement service. I have so much going on this week that yesterday I felt as though I was never going to cope and the fear set in that I was going to fail at the tasks ahead. From CBT and counselling, I have learned to be more proactive in dealing with situations like these. I decided to call the vets and postpone my rat's treatment for another week (he just needs his teeth filing down a bit) and postponed a flat inspection for another week. I just didn't have the time and energy to clear up the flat, especially since I asked B to clean the kitchen (of which he did half) and now it's twice as messy as it was before he started cleaning it! I'm trying to focus on planning this weekend. I need to make sure I have time for myself to relax but also to clean the flat as well as start my assignment for my teaching course.

I feel at the moment that with everything that has been going on, I just need to relax. So this lead to me taking 5 codeine an hour ago. I know I really shouldn't as it will end up getting out of control and I won't have enough to treat my pain of endometriosis. I feel like I'm juggling addiction, depression and anxiety and it is so hard. I spent most of today and yesterday with anxiety to the point where I couldn't sit still and my teeth were chattering. I seem to be coping so much better on codeine. I'm going to ask my doctor to have a bigger prescription because my endometriosis has been getting worse and the Naproxen doesn't do anything.

Something that has come out of this blog so far is that I was surprised by how sweet my best friend has been, She texted me yesterday as she was concerned that I hadn't blogged in 2 days. If it wasn't for the blog, she may not have thought to text me and ask. I was very touched. And she's coming round tomorrow and I cannot wait! I love spending time with M, it kind of takes me away from reality for a little while. I actually relax. If you're reading this M, you're good therapy for me <3

My healthy diet has gone out the window a bit. I haven't had the time to prepare food and I put on 3lbs over night despite not eating that much? I just assume it's from the codeine and that I'm bunged up. It's still playing around in my head that I really need to lose the weight though. It never goes. 

With my long days at work, it has meant leaving the flat at 6.40am. I have realised that dawn is my favourite time of day. The word I will use to describe it is 'docile'. Everything is so gentle and relaxing. It's nice that the day has ended but the next hasn't yet begun. I don't want the next one to begin. Everyone is so different at that time of day. So on my early cycles to work, I drink in the darkness and purity of the dawn.

I'm too tired to type anymore.