A lot to say

2.00am

So I have a lot to say at 2am and what better time to tell it all when I've had 4 shots of spirits in the space of 1-2 hours which is a lot for me. Time for honesty I guess. 

So much has been going on in the past 24 hours but I will summarise it the best I can. So yesterday I mentioned about the whole 'Lodge' issue with my mum not coping with the cat coming too. Tonight it escalated to my sister being pissed (both emotionally and with alcohol) and saying some awful things to me and mum (when it's not even my fault). I felt incredibly hurt by that and by the situation in that it leads to mum spending christmas on her own and me spending christmas on my own in my flat 40 miles away from mum. The reason for this is that I cannot bear to spend christmas in the same room that dad died in. I'd rather spend christmas alone (my boyfriend B is going to spend christmas with his family). 

I've just lost of track of where I was going with this as the rats just spilt the contents of B's glass of red wine all over the floor of a carpet we'll end up having to pay for to the landlord. B should know better that to leave a glass of wine on the windowsill. 

Anyway.... My sister has been acting like a complete child saying:

 'For suck sake, this is absolutely pathetic. I cannot believe it has come to this. Right, we will leave cat at home and pick So and Si (my neice and her boyfriend) up and that way we can feed the cat. The dog is fine and the cat (the insignificant one) will have to make do. Happy Christmas one and all. The season of goodwill!!!'

She is unwilling to see anyone else's point of view. It's not that mum just doesn't want the cat there, it's just that it has a horrible psychological effect on mum as the dog is constantly wanting to eat the cat and it puts mum on edge. Therefore she will not be able to enjoy christmas. I'm in no way saying the cat should stay at home, I'm all for the cat coming but Mum and my sister hadn't even discussed to come to some compromise as they're not considerate to anyone else. They're so similar in that respect but they themselves cannot see it as they are too stubborn. It breaks my heart. I spend my entire life trying to make everyone else happy but all the rest of the family do is do what's best for themselves. I'm unable to do that and it saddens me to the core as all my effort on others is wasted. What's the point in me living if no one appreciates that I try my best for everyone else and the reason I'm battling severe depression now is because I never put myself first. But if I do put myself first then I run the risk of losing family. 

It doesn't help that on wednesday, I found out that next week is my last week of CBT as my therapist is going on maternity leave. My options now are being transferred to the Psychological Assessment Team who are unlikely to decide I would benefit from a different form of treatment (in which case I will be on a waiting list of a year) or to carry on CBT with another therapist and go over everything I have spent 12 weeks going over with my current therapist, wait for CBT in the future and start from scratch or try depression counselling. I feel completely lost. CBT was just starting to help in the last couple of weeks and now it's been put all up in the air and I have no idea what's going to happen. I can't stop therapy as I will relapse and I have told my therapist this. I feel so let down that I'm seriously considering ending my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I barely eat or binge eat, I can't work, I'm struggling to hold down a relationship. I wish I was dead. This pain is too much to handle, even after 4 shots and 20mg diazepam. I feel like doing something stupid. I feel completely broken. 

However, I have to give credit to B who has provided a hug when needed but he's been working so hard, I barely see him as he's sleeping alot. R has been amazing even though he's 120 miles away. He's provided as much support as he can. And M has been fantastic, she's my voice of reason. But still now, at 2.30am, I feel so lonely as there is no one to talk to, I'm having a massive break down and want to end my life.

I'm sick of living this way. Something needs to change. I've put others first so much but not been put first myself very often. Maybe I should put myself first and do what I want to do and end my life. I've had enough. I don't want to live anymore.

3.45am

I rang the CRISIS team as I couldn't cope. They couldn't offer much help. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. M and B are next door but I can't bear to wake them. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I fucking hate my life. I want to feel numb but I have nothing to make me feel that way. Can anyone help me with that?

9.25pm

I'm still as depressed, spent another half the day crying. Had 3 hours sleep so went back to bed this afternoon. I'm so tired of life. I feel the impulsive need to get control back. So I've started controlling my food intake again. Yesterday I binged and ended up at nearly 2000 calories. Today, just 700. And I have promised myself that I will exercise more. Lots of walking tomorrow with shopping and I'm going to go climbing on Monday. I'm really excited to be spending the day with my best friend R. I'm hoping it will distract me from the reality of everything. Yesterday's situation isn't really better. My sister is still making things extremely difficult and still hates me for it when it's not my fault. It's mum that doesn't want the cat there, not me. But she needs to be angry at everyone else to make herself feel better I guess. Mum has been really supportive and said she'll give in to the cat being there for the sake of the family but my sister is still making a huge problem out of it. It's all gotten out of hand because 2 adults threw their toys out the pram. Food is all I have control over now. It's not a weight issue, it's a control issue. Everything revolves around Jo, she doesn't care how I feel so maybe if she see's how depressed I am via weightloss, she may give a damn.