Meltdowns - PLEASE READ

12.50am

So I usually don't post during meltdowns but since there is no one here to help, I figured I better blog. Please excuse any spelling mistakes. I've had a bottle of wine, 100mg tramadol, 76mg, codeine, 10mg diazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone. Meltdowns can happen anywhere between 1 - 3 or 4 times a week, maybe 1-2 times a week on average. When they happen, it's beyond awful. To the point where I'd rather be dead. Since I'm at mum's tonight, I spent the evening trying to distract myself by watching tv on 4od while playing with my lovely rats. I still ended up putting the rats to bed after 2 and half hours playtime and then letting the dog into the garden for a wee. This led to me curled up in the doorway of the open back door for an hour sobbing my heart out because I miss Dad so much. Every evening, he would sit on the kitchen chair watching tv for hours so I rested my head on the chair and sobbed. I have no control over this. I sit here now in bed, sobbing my heart out. It's so hard to convey into words how I feel. The fact I suffer with severe depression plus grieving for my father in which I had a very complicated relationship with. I'm going to sit here and make the effort to convey how I feel (which may take some time so that some of you can understand each time I mention the word 'meltdown'):

• I feel that all control over my life is lost.
• I'd rather die than live with this pain (hence I don't think twice about taking all these drugs and alcohol).
• The last time I saw dad alive was on Father's Day, when we had an altercation over something unreasonable he said.
• My heart and the pit of my stomach feel pain, but it's not physical. It feels like it wants to be ripped out.
• I feel hopeless and helpless. No one can help me and there's no hope of a better life. It sounds materialistic but money makes life easier. I don't have that. I don't want to be rich, I just want to live comfortably. Dad wanted that for me. If he had lived a month longer, I would have had a £10000 pay out. I would be living comfortably with a mortgage. I don't blame him in the slightest for that though, It was just misfortune.
• Dad was very supportive of all the things in my life that he thought were positive. Although I had a very abusive childhood from him due to alcohol, I couldn't fault him as a father in the past few years that he was alive. He made up for all the bad things that happened. I couldn't fault him apart from that last Father's Day. I feel I was robbed of that Father-Daughter relationship that I had never had before the few years prior to his death. At 25, I was too young to have lost my father who finally stepped up to how I thought a father should be.
• He wasn't boring. He was such a character that even his cardiac nurse decided to make a case study on him. He's not an ordinary man that is easy to forget. Yes, he moaned all the time about things that he had no control over (so to me seemed like a waste of breath) but they were important to him so I always took the time to listen. 
• In the past few years, I went from resenting him to loving him dearly. I loved him dearly for such a short time and then it was stripped from me. I did everything I could for him in his last couple of years but it wasn't enough. He died on the phone to me and I couldn't even recognise that. Even though it is very unlikely, I still feel like there was a chance I could have saved him.
• The complexity of all this is difficult for someone like me who may not be academically intelligent but socially intelligent. I am extremely good at reading people. I was the toddler cowering in the corner, waiting for something to happen while the domestic abuse happened every single night of my life until I left home. As my counsellor called me.....'the little professor'. It's why I'm so reserved and great at picking my friends. I judge what everyone does. Now I realise it's to judge whether I am likely to be hurt by it. I've been deeply hurt by Ryan and Charlotte but I knew that would come. Doesn't make it hurt any less. For those I call my best friends now, in particular B, R and M, you are lucky to survive my choosing of friends, I don't take it lightly after all the hurt I've been though in my life; Domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, violence, verbal abuse, mental abuse - every single day of my life. Inescapable. No one to turn to. My best friends didn't even know. The first person I told was my first boyfriend Ryan at 16 years old. He made me feel like I was over-reacting. Easy to say when he grew up in the 'perfect' middle class, stable parent household. It made me feel worthless, just like I do now. I even got bullied for being 'miserable' by my best friends at 14 years old even though I was suffering from depression (not that I was going to tell them). They had no idea what I was going through every day of my entire life and they made my life even more miserable. I ended up having to change friends group but that didn't stop them.

Looking at my past and present, I see nothing worth living for. I have spent my whole life trying to give to other people, make their lives better but what is there for me? I really appreciate all my friends do for me but sometimes when I'm alone, it doesn't feel enough, and that makes me feel attention seeking. It's not their fault they can't be there 24/7 to give me the hug and the shoulder to cry on when I've hit the bottomless pit of depression. 

I feel as though depression is something brought from hell and therefore all that is left for me is hell. I do my best for everyone around me but it's not good enough. I NEED STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET IT! There isn't the funding for resources out there that I need, CBT is helping a little and my therapist is much better than the last one by taking a more gentle approach and explaining things in detail.

The thing is, I don't even know if having my friends rallying around me will help. I feel so selfish being wrapped up in myself. But putting everyone else first all the time has put me in this position. What am I supposed to do? Be selfish (which I fucking hate) or make time for others which creates satisfaction for me but doesn't help me long term.

My problem is that I'm too giving. My counsellor said it was because I was always trying to win my parents affection so that they wouldn't have an alcohol fueled domestic argument and fight that night (in which at 6 years old, would have to get involved when the knives were pulled out).

I feel completely lost on this planet. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Even with regards to my loved ones, They'd be better off without me.

I hope I go to sleep brain dead, I cant deal with more emotion or I may explode. I can't see straight right now because of the drugs and alcohol but I'm hoping this means a dreamless night sleep.

THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG OF MY MELTDOWNS. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS THAT LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING.