Friends make the world go around

11.30am

Yesterday, I was really tired so took a nap. I had one of my reoccurring dreams that I can't wake up from and feels very real. The dream is always different but with the same theme. I'll be at home with mum and dad doing normal family things such as watching the tv and dad complains of chest pain. I advise he goes and gets it checked out but he says they won't find anything again. Then it dawns on me and I awkwardly ask him 'Why are you still here if you've died?' He'll either shrug or disappear. Then I ask mum 'How can it be that he's still here when he's dead?' Then I wake up thinking that dads death was all a bad dream and that he's still alive. A few seconds later, I remember the heart wrenching truth.

I woke up from it feeling extremely groggy and out of sorts. All my body wanted to do was go back to sleep but my mind didn't want to go back into that dream. So I got up, walked the dog then got in the car to go to the supermarket. I put the radio on and a christmas song came on. I burst into tears. It hit me like a breeze block to the chest that Dad won't be there for christmas. Especially at the Lodge we've rented for christmas where last year, he was the happiest I had seen him in a very long time. I couldn't stop crying all the way to the supermarket. I sat in the car in the car park shouting at myself to get my shit together, dad wouldn't want me like this. I put on my 'brave face' and walked into the supermarket and aimlessly walked around.

But there was something that did help. While I was walking the dog, I rang one of my best friends R. We talked it all through and it was good to get it all off my chest. He always gives me something to look forward to. And he does more than he knows. I couldn't imagine my life without him. So with the combined support of B, M and R, I'm not as lonely in this situation. They keep me from drowning. So thank you.

I had another bad nights' sleep last night and had the reoccurring dream of dad. Hoping for a relaxing day today.