Feeling fat

11.40pm

I mentioned before that I went through a phase of starving myself as a form of control and to lose weight. My depression is getting worse and with that, my control over food usually ensues. I feel so fat, I'm restricting the amount of food I'm eating and finding it relatively easy to distract myself from hunger. I need to be thinner. I don't want to be anorexic or emaciated and I don't have an eating disorder but it's still self destructive behaviour. But I need to hold on to the weightloss. I need to hold on to something. 

When I get like this, I go on to the 'myproana' website alot. It's designed to be a forum of support for eating disorders but it helps fuel my thinking that I'm too fat and need to lose weight. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

It also fuels my anxiety. At the moment, I worry about everything. The hardest thing with depression, anxiety and endometriosis is that it's very unpredictable and if you have something planned, it may be that I don't feel up to doing it and have to force myself. This heightens the anxiety further. Like this weekend, I have committed to seeing my friend in a different city but I don't know how bad I will be feeling that day even if I'm looking forward to it now. If I don't feel up to something that is planned, I force myself to do it because I don't want to let people down. This gets me down and then I don't enjoy it but put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine. 

I want to be able to feel comfortable having plans and not worry about if I'll be in pain or feeling depressed. No one knows how difficult this makes my life. I feel trapped in this cycle. I can't look forward to anything because I worry about it. One exception to this is going to the Lodge for christmas. Only 2 weeks to go.