Disappointed weightloss

12.05am

I went to slimming world tonight and after losing 0.5lbs, I am really disappointed after my best friend lost 3 lbs after eating a lot this week. I know she has more to lose and I don't blame her at all but I feel disappointed after I didn't eat all day to try and see a bigger difference on the scale. It's not surprising after the all the christmas meal's out but I would have expected a bit of a different change. 

On the other hand, my CBT therapist has decided that I've improved enough over the past couple of weeks that I can carry on with CBT with another therapist while she goes on maternity leave. It's not her fault she's leaving but I feel disappointed as now I have to give my story to another therapist and go through the process of trust and adjusting again in therapy. I'm more disappointed in that I'm losing a good therapist that was good for me. 

After the family dispute, we seem to be going to The Lodge for christmas now but I have a feeling that after a few drinks which my mum and sister seem to enjoy every night, there will be a dispute while we're there. I'm really worried about this and it plays on my mind everyday. I've asked for my sister's help with my mental health but she hasn't given it. I feel let down and disappointed. Mum, on the other hand, has been wonderful and really stepped up to the mothering role. I've never had this experience before so it moved me to tears. This is the first time where I feel like the child that is supported rather than being the one that has supported my mum. 

I'm hoping to soon start seeing my best friend twice a week and she feels like therapy to me. But I don't want her feeling used. I worry I'm putting too much pressure on her. And R has been incredibly supportive which I didn't expect. He's warmed my heart in a way and restored my faith in humanity a little. M has just been there constantly. I lucky to have these two. And I'm lucky to have B although he has been severely testing my patience recently. I feel like I've been going out of my way to help him such as getting up at 6.30am to run his bath and help him get ready for work but then doing a couple of small things I asked of him were too much and didn't do it. One of which he said he forgot so will give him the benefit of the doubt. Generally, even though he's been there now and again, I don't feel like I've been given the support I need. But I understand he has his own problems that he's wrapped up in and I help where I can. But with his memory, he forgets everything I do for him and thinks I don't do much as a result, whereas I've put myself out so much that I feel miserable. This is hard to convey to my best friends as they aren't here to see it. I've done the entire christmas shopping AGAIN this year. But I've refused to do his family again. I've left that to him and he hasn't started. I worry that they will think little of me because I haven't ensured it's been done. But I need to give him SOME sort of responsibility. 

My lovely rats are keeping my spirits up when they're awake. They sleep so much! Too much in my opinion =P Unfortunately, because I've been feeding them too many treats, they've become a bit fat so I have to limit their diet, therefore, they are less interested in me. Such are animals but I love them. It's one thing I am selfish about, I need them in my life to help me function. 

I'm trying to establish a routine now I'm off work since work provided the routine before. It has gone OK the past couple nights but tonight has gone out the window since I'm writing the blog to get everything out of my system. I've done well the past couple of days and it's made a difference. I've made more progress and slowly started cleaning the flat, paying bills and chores since it is all down to me. B would rather sit at his laptop or xbox and get drunk than help me out. I can understand this because he works long days but the odd 30 mins here and there would help a lot. He's been really difficult recently, challenging everything I say. Bottling things up causes my depression but if I express my emotions to B, it's a constant battle so I have to bottle it all. I will give it until New Year and hope things change. I feel really lonely when it comes to B, but I don't want to put pressure on him.

12.50am

I'm starting to feel panicky so I'm going to take 10mg Diazepam and hope for the best. It's usually having a good night and forgetting reality that triggers the panicky feeling. But the more good nights I have, hopefully the less panicky I will feel afterwards. The reason for this is that every time I went out to the local park or went to a party as a teenager, EVERY SINGLE TIME I went home, there would be insane domestic violence between my parents. Before, I saw it as bad luck that everytime I was happy, there was a balance and that I had to be unhappy in some way and this would happen. But now I realise it was probably because me not being in the house meant that my parents felt free to be as violent as they wanted to be. But for years I felt like I had deserved it. I felt like I deserved to be unhappy and this is why it was happening. Everytime I had a good time, to balance it out, I had to be depressed. At this moment in time, it's very hard to come to terms with as I believed this for so many years. 

Right now, I don't feel worthy to be loved. But I have to let my CBT kick in and realise it's just circumstance. Times are hard at times and sometimes it's not my fault. I just fear that CBT will be drilled in to me so much that I may not be able to admit blame that is mine and say sorry. CBT can only do so much. I need B and my best friends there to fill in the other 167 hours of the week. And as most of my melt downs happen after 11pm, everyone is in bed and aren't awake when I need them most. But I do appreciate this as they have their own lives to lead. So last week I took it upon myself to ring the CRISIS team. But their response was 'I don't know what else to suggest'. This didn't help. 

I still feel so incredibly alone because what I'm going through isn't what anyone else is experiencing. I don't blame them in any way at all. But I just want to feel normal. I went for dinner with L on Tuesday and she was a massive help. She's knows exactly what I'm going through and gave me some advice. For the first time (after talking about my feelings), I came away feeling better, rather than wishing I could crawl under a rock. Thank you L! Your words keep resounding in my head. I appreciate it more than you know. And I hope this gives you an ego boost. You deserve it <3 

If you're a dog lover, watch this. It cheered me up

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3327352/Hilarious-pictures-dogs-no-concept-personal-space.html 

2.45am

I can't believe it's this time and I'm sat watching Justin Bieber complete a rubik's cube with James Corden in a car while listening to his own records.....bizarre. What has my life come to??? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx06c0ZEBMk 

3.30am

It's 3.30am and I feel depressed and alone with no one to talk to. I've taken 10mg diazepam which has kicked in but not helped. I feel really tearful and no one can help. This is constantly my life right now. I'm fed up of it.