I hate christmas

12.00pm 
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed

4.30pm
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
Sudafed

12.10pm

Since what happened at christmas, I have been getting more and more depressed and isolating myself more and more. I am sick of the whole family constantly drinking themselves into oblivion everyday and turn into these selfish monsters. I try to stay out of the way but then they talk behind my back saying that they're worried about me. But they don't do anything to help. I just want some peace and quiet but there is just constant screaming and shouting from people playing games, which is great for them but I'm tired and ill and just want to relax. Been trying to drown it out with my earphones but people keep disturbing me. 

The only control I have at the moment is food. I'm ill so don't feel much like eating but I feel nauseous from lack of food. I'm sick of being at the lodge now, I just want to go home. Even the dog isn't liking it and mum doesn't seem to be overly enjoying it. Everything is all about the rest of the family. I suggest a game, they say they want to play but then we'll get towards the end and start doing stuff they want to do to ruin the game and so I'll sit there patiently waiting to continue the game. I just have to give up and go watch a movie on my laptop or something. 

The alcohol drinking and selfishness astounds me in this family. It never ends. 

8.00pm

Mum made me eat. I feel like I've been stripped of control. My new years resolution is to save as much money as possible - another form of control. I've offered to help mum moving house but I'm in no fit state to do that. I don't know how to tell her. And if I don't lose 1.5lbs by Thursday, then I'm going to be really pissed off and upset. Part of me is thinking of leaving Ben, just to save him from all this hardship. He's finding things extremely difficult after leaving his job and I don't feel like I'm being supportive enough. I'm hell bent on getting some sort of control to help this depression go away. It's too much. I need to keep track of what medication I'm taking as it's getting out of control.