Had enough of family

2.45am
1000mg paracetamol
16mg codeine
sudafed
copious amounts of alcohol

3.15am
3.75mg Zopiclone

I've burned my hand on a lizard heat lamp - ouch! I'll explain later....

Had a heart to heart with my sister and brother in law (which means of course they will have similar biased views). Sister tried to make out what she went through was so much harder (which i don't doubt) but this shouldn't be making me feel like I've been through very little in comparison. My sister was forced out of the family home when I was 3 years old and I had to fend for myself. Yes I don't have a mother there for me (and obviously a father since he's dead) but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying to fight for a good life. They just kept going on and on and on that I should have had a mother figure in my life when my mother had enough crap to deal with. Yes I agree she should have been better and stepped up but I wouldn't go as far as to what my sis and bro-in-law were saying. Tonight has been well and truly fucked up with me crying my eyes out. It's been horrendous. But apart from alcohol, I haven't taken drugs to compensate. In the new year, hopefully I'll take the time to realise I need to start looking after myself and support B more. I'm so worried about B with his change in circumstances and it's affecting him so much but how am I supposed to help when I'm barely keeping my head above water - quite literally. I had a dream last night that I was drowning. I want to take an overdose, but I won't for the sake of everyone else. If I do end up ending my life, that will be the time that I actually think about myself for once and put myself out of my misery. I've had enough.