Positivity through negativity

11.30pm

I've just had a lovely evening with M. Enjoyed her company as usual. Overall, I've had a good week, socialising and mingling with colleagues and friends. Usually I wouldn't have coped with this but I have and that's a break through.

However, I still feel the need to take codeine as a release and to starve myself to make myself feel better after all the food I have been eating. Doesn't help that my gastric reflux has reared it's ugly head the past few days. Not as bad though. I'm back on the slimming world diet plan which makes me feel more in control. I have seen colleagues at christmas parties and they haven't been judgemental after being signed off work. I feel slightly more secure in that I can take off the time that I need to.

I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to christmas as Dad won't be there and I've been dreaming about him a lot recently but I not thinking of it negatively. Just need to remember I'm there for my nephew and some quality family time. I'm not sure my christmas' will ever be the same now. But that's life and I have to accept it.

I know I'm not going to sleep well tonight so will take a sleeping tablet. Instead of fighting the depression now, I'm riding with it, taking the medication before I have a meltdown.

P.S. One of the rats is shoving as many rat biscuits in his mouth as he can and distributing them into their sleeping place. Very funny. I think he think's he's a hamster. He's fat and lazy so I'm assuming it'll be so he doesn't have to get out of bed for a midnight snack.