Christmas is ruined

12.10am

Last year, my family and myself spent a week in a rented lodge over christmas. Everyone was the happiest I had ever seen them and we made such amazing memories. It was the happiest I had seen dad in a long time and so I have fond memories of being there with dad for my last christmas with him. So this year the lodge has been booked again (was booked before dad died and he was so looking forward to going). Unfortunately he won't be with us this year but I was comforted by the fact we were going back to somewhere where we had such amazing memories.

Mum has ruined all of that now. She sent a text to say that my sister is bringing her cat for christmas. The dog and the cat don't get along and it severely annoys mum to the point where she cannot cope with it. So now she is refusing to go to the lodge. So we're at home for christmas in the same room where dad died, rather than spending it at the lodge where we have so many good memories.

I feel so disheartened. I'd rather spend christmas alone than not be at the lodge. I am in floods of tears, I am so upset. I suffer with severe anxiety but I'm not selfish enough to let it get in the way of other people. Everything is always about mum.

The situation could easily be resolved by my sister agreeing to leave the cat at home. When I expressed my concerns about Skye being looked after properly, my sister agreed with mum in that Skye is 'just a dog' and has no rights. But she'll be to stubborn to allow her opinion that Tilly is 'just a cat' who will be fine on her own for a week with plenty of food and water put out for her, plus she has a cat flap. It all rides on whether my sister is going to be her stubborn self or try to help out the family. I can see this will be causing a family rift which I really don't need at this time of year. She'll complain that if my rats and the dog is there, it is unfair to exclude the cat. But the dog and the rats get along, but the cat gets along with neither the dog or the rats. I hope my sister makes the right choice for the family. If not, I'm spending christmas on my own. And if no one else is going, me, Skye and the rats will stay in the lodge on our own for christmas.

I shouldn't have to be this upset over christmas when it's going to be hard enough as it is. I seriously feel like self harming (which I know is stupid and seems attention seeking) but I don't know what other release there is. I've already taken 15mg diazepam over the space of 6 hours and a sleeping tablet that has not yet kicked in. I'm hurting so much, I need a hug and there's no one around to hug and give a shoulder to cry on.

3.30am

It's 3.30am and I'm still not asleep. I feel like such a failure that I fail to keep a routine in my life to get through chores. Instead, I will be asleep until at least 12pm, wasting a huge portion of the day. I'm sick of living like this. I need routine and normality.